Friday, August 28, 2015

Bitch Caesar

In the deepest jungles of Hungry, up the mysterious River Danube, down into the Black Forest, Donald Trump leads Middle Eastern refuges into the rectum of Europe. New York’s biggest billionaire developer, prime time television hit star and Presidential Primaries front runner hides in the world’s spotlight while running the global underground railroad providing escape routes for slaves the world over and sanctuary to war’s dispossessed. 

Donald (Gaelic for “honest”) Not To Be Trump(ed) was born Donald Trump to two parents. Accusations of natural insemination leading to his creation still abound. He grew in height and weight due to eating and breathing. Went to school somewhere. Probably graduated. He both inherited and made money and got laid, married, laid, divorced,  laid, married. Biologically contributed to the birth of offspring.

While rebuilding Wollman skating rink in Central Park in 1987, Donald was approached by three Wise Men who recruited him to spend his free weekends in the jungles of Thailand as a conductor in the SouthEast Asian underground railroad running prepubescent girls out of brothels to international adoption agencies set up in Singapore. Brandishing his organizational skills and fierce competitiveness, Donald soon was dubbed “Harry Tubman” in honor of legendary freedom smuggler Harriet Tubman of Maryland. Though his true identity wasn’t revealed until his recent appearance on Vietnam’s version of “What’s My Line” the price on the head of Harry T was valued at over 10 million dollars. 

“Chump change,” Trump told his Vietnamese audience. “A week’s paycheck for me.”

As the recent discovery of cancer in the brain of former president and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has led to a mass migration out of the Middle East into Europe, Harry Tub has been once again called in to save Midtown ice skating and the world. 

“I’ve got three months to build a skating path from Syria to Berlin,” T Rump bellowed. “If anyone can jimmy solar panels to freeze nonexistent water it is DT!”

German Fuhrerin Angel Faced Merkel praised Donny boy and chastised Europeans for their xenophobia and Americans for their persecution of Bill Belichick. “I find it hard to believe that after all Europe has been through in the last century that Americans would punish Tom and Billy for letting air out of their balls.”

Financial Markets across the globe reacted to Trump’s advise to China to devalue sex along with their currency. “Tell your daughters to put out. I’m talking to you, Lee and you too, Wu. It’s all made in China anyway.”

Hilary Clinton admitted in an interview on the Public Television News Hour that if the elections were held today she would vote for Trump. “I could just never get my hair to do that. He’s not without his talents.”

Don Arrup
Satire1




Saturday, August 22, 2015

Trump Citizen Test

1)  Did your ancestors come over on the Mayflower?
2)  Did your ancestors ever stay at the Mayflower Hotel?
3)  Are you the same gender as the Founding Fathers?
4)  Did you ever find your father?
5)  Do you have blond or dirty immigrant hair?
6)  Are you a millionaire, hillbilly or criminal?
7)  Did your ancestors swim over here from Africa 250 years ago to steal plantation jobs?
8)  Are you from a state that seceded from the Union in the 1860’s? (I’m not letting you back in)
9)  Were you born in the legal boundaries of a Trump property to rent paying parents?
10) Are you a voter registered in the party I’m in this month?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Trump Babel

After a dominant performance in the first Republican Presidential Debate, Donald Trump announced that he has completed a 204 story tower on the site of the original Tower of Babel in Babel, New Jersey where the human race first began to use spoken language.

“This will be- really- the first true World Trade and Terror Center in the world,” Trump said. “Over a hundred and fifty two suites are already rented taking up over half the floors. We have the World Bank, Al Qaeda and the United Nations Forgotten Celebrity Fund on the first floor alone- along with a McDonald’s and a Kosher tattoo parlor.”

“You see, I have a master plan. Right now, I’m getting at least half of America united in their hatred of me. Once that hatred is cemented then I betray the half that follows me and in one campaign I’ll unite the country.”

“With Trump Babel, I’m getting the entire United Nations, multinational corporations, terrorist groups, international charities and retired Deadheads together under one roof and then I’ll mess with the air conditioning. DT scores another TD with TB.”

Don Arrup

Satire1