I Don't Want Your Fat Vote

Former Miss Universe undatable according to Donald. Hillary puts her opponent’s supporters on the pillory. I don’t want their deplorable vote. Don’t sully my sanitary napkin campaign and presidency. I want Bernie’s votes. I want Obama’s.

Enough.

Following this election is like being spanked with a fish. The only reason Donald still has supporters is that he hasn’t had enough time to get to them with his insults. Hillary has support because lies take time to be discovered. 

Neither is as bad as their opponents make them out to be. Almost no one in the history of the species is as bad as their opponents make these two out to be. One is a friend of Putin. The other a friend of Pelosi. Tough call.

Trump and Clinton seem like such buffoons because they are the fun house mirrors of us. Trump’s angry. We’re angry. Clinton feels encroached upon. So do we. They tell us what we want to hear. We tell ourselves what we want to hear. Wall Street is the problem and half of us own stocks. Trade has destroyed us and we stand in line at Walmart. The government has taken us over so where’s my mother’s Social Security check?

In guns we trust. In green we trust. (Money green not sustainable environment. When is global warming going to reach my nuts?) In big houses, big cars, big wallets and breasts.

Hang in there. We’re still America. We’re just not in the pageant this year.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Battle Of The Blondes 2

Hofstra U. Auditorium, 9:26pm September 26 in the last year of the world

Hillary

That is not true. That is not true. I never said I would offer Ms. Lewinsky an ambassadorship if I became president. I said I would consider Monica for a- 

Trump

Is it true you said you do not want to be called Mrs. President?

Hillary

Sounds like the President’s wife.

Trump

And you do not want to be called Madame President?

Hillary

I am not running the White House as a brothel.

Trump

So Bill won’t be living with you?

Hillary

I have mentioned Ms. Monica Lewinsky as a possible candidate among many who I would consider for the new cabinet post I’m proposing, Secretary of Women and Minorities.

Trump

How many white men do you have on your list for that secretaryship?

Hillary

Last time I checked white men were not a minority.

Trump

Thirty one per cent is not a majority.

Hillary

They are the majority of the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court-

Trump

How can you tell? They’re all wearing moo moos. It’s the Transgender Court.

Hillary

And transracial. Justice Kennedy is a black man. Justice Thomas is not.

Trump

So, tell us about this department of bitches and whiners.

Hillary

I’m going to get Monica a job anywhere away from my husband if I have to promote her to Admiral of the furthest fleet. That, or keep her right under my heel.

Trump

Sounds like a plan. Okay, forget the lesbian man moderator. We didn’t come here to be moderate. Nobody wants moderation. Everybody wants more. We’re all pissed off. Rich and poor. Black, Red, Yellow, Brown and White. Forget the moderator. Down to it, Hellary. 

Hillary

What? I’m the devil now?

Trump

No, I’m the Devil and you’re my minion, bought and paid for. 

Hillary

I always keep you in my heart. Donald.

Trump

I’ll show you my tax returns if you show me your lost emails.

Hillary

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?

Trump

We’re in the corner of the school yard in the teacher’s one blindspot.

Hillary

Where life takes place. 

Trump

So we just continue to show what we’ve shown and consolidate our image into an even grosser cartoon?

Hillary

That won’t end in November.

Trump

I only have to make it through one term and I go into syndication.

Hillary

First thing I’m going to do is pardon myself and then maybe Bill.

Trump

I’m not building a wall.

Hillary

No shit.

Trump

I have a bigger project. This country is going to build a hotel on the Moon.

Hillary

And call it Trump Hotel?

Trump

No, Trump Moon. We’ve had that rock for over fifty years and haven’t done anything with it. 

Hillary

Well, if building a hotel on the Moon was my highest priority I would certainly vote for you.

Trump

I want you to vote for me.

Hillary

Vote for you? How much?

Trump

I have a figure written on my hand.

Hillary

Your hand is too small. No, I spoke too soon. It’s a deal.

Trump

Thought that would impress you.

Hillary

If you get in give Lewinsky an ambassadorship.

Trump

Where do you want her?

Hillary

I don’t know. Mars. Middle Earth. Out of the way.

Trump

If you become president don’t steal my moon idea.

Hillary

Not much chance of that. 

Trump

Because I’ll be running again as a Democrat or third party. Whatever.

Hillary

Well, may the best blonde win.

Don Arrup

Satire1

First Debate

(About mid way through:)

DT

I know you’re a liberated woman-

HC

Do we still use that term? American women liberated ourselves in the early 70’s.

DT

My daughter is going to be President some day.

HC

So is mine.

DT

So you won’t mind if I urinate on you from here.

HC

Excuse me?

DT

For the emails certainly. For Benghazi never.

HC

Are you going to try to urinate on me?

DT

From here. If I can piss that far.

HC

With your small hands?

DT

This is all bladder under my shirt. I’m half German.

HC

What happened to Swedish? Where did your grandparents come from this week?

DT

I’m Swedish through my daughters. The first thing I’m going to do when I get in the White House is legalize blowjobs in the White House.

HC

It is a private residence along with the seat of the executive.

DT

I’m legalizing blowjobs because I’m inviting the leader of every county we have a trade or defense deal with-

HC

If you are referring to treaties that would be over half the countries in the world.

DT

And I will receive them In State, on their knees, making America great again in their mouths.

HC

So this is your dickplomacy?

DT

Merkel will have to do something with her hair.

HC

You want the most powerful politician in Europe to change her hair for one blowjob?

DT

I put on makeup to blow your husband.

HC

What?

DT

Violet Spring eye shadow and candy apple lipstick. I was glad to. He was at the time of fellatio the nation’s president and leader of the free world.

HC

That’s not how I heard it, Lickie Loo.

DT

Merkel needs a new do. 

HC

The combined forces of United States, China and Russia couldn’t get a comb through-

DT

I’m not marching American lives through those follicles-

HC

You’re afraid of women.

DT

I love women.

HC

American dicks are too big- at least since the conclusion of the Second World War. A diet as meat-centric as nomads combined with the grains of an agrarian society. Big, fat, overinflated American phalluses have turned half the world into pussy and the other half into rectum.

DT

What are other countries for? For god’s sake, for mine, why allow other cultures if they don’t serve us? The gas stations around Israel are just that. Nobody told them to stick their religion in our face. They kicked our ass a thousand years ago and now we’re kicking theirs. What’s the problem? 

HC

Well, there are problems and we have to deal with them. You can’t just say anything you want and expect that to fix the world.

DT

Except for popping off a couple of beards with drones and Seals, you and Obama used nothing but words and the whole globe has fallen apart. There isn’t even a Europe anymore. Western Europe is just the waiting room for Third World refuges. Now every poor country thinks they’re Mexico and can just go wherever the beer is colder. 

HC

If you don’t believe in surgical strikes against terror what are you going to do? Carpet bomb the Hajj?

DT

When we have Tomahawk missiles gathering dust in the Arabian Sea?

MODERATOR

We need to take a break for-

HC & DT

Shut the f*#k up!

Don Arrup

Satire1