Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Poli-Oscar

As the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences begins recounts for over twelve of their coveted golden bald men awards named after a puppet who lives in a trashcan on Sesame Street, Satire1 has procured the list of secret Oscars distributed during commercials to the real actors in the real shows of 2016.

Best Comedy
2016 United States Presidential Elections

Best Actor in a Farce 
Donald Trump

Best Actor in a Crime Drama
Hillary Clinton

Best Clown in a Liberal Comedy
Bernie Sanders

Best Clown in a Conservative Comedy
Ted Cruz

Most Hysterical over Election Results
New York Times

Best Documentary Based on Alternate Facts
Fox News coverage of new Administration’s first month

Best Original Story
Donald Trump “Midnight in American”

Best Original Song
Hillary Clinton “It’s My Party and I’ll Run If I Want To”

Best Makeup
Donald Trump’s Florida Orange skin and blond Flippity Do Da 

Worst Costume
Hillary Clinton’s Snow Cone colored pants suits

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Pubic Television

As the Grand Old Party is once again licking it chops over the defunding of NEA (Nepotism Endowment of the Arts) and PBS (Public Bullshit System) Channel 13 here in New Jersey/York and WNEA in Beantown are putting themselves through a furious make over to draw more viewers and donations. 

Satire1 secured a list of what were Public Television’s top rated shows and how they’ll be reworked before spring.

Antique Road Show will become Antique Road Whoe
Join Sassy and Pussi as they travel to our country’s longest active whoe walks from San Fransisco’s Tenderloin District to Baltimore’s Block. Interviews with streetwalkers and fur capped pimps mixed with reviews of local cuisine offered at back wagon restaurants and hot dog stands on the strips.

And to get the inside scoop watch as This Old House morphs into This Whore House where Bertha and Mooshie give tours of the country’s grandest and longest established brothels. Tips from experts in every perversion make TWH the must watch compliment to ARW for those who think fun!

For top notch investigative journalism you can’t beat Frontline as it goes undercover under the covers in Downline. You won’t have to wait for impeachment trials or Senate investigations as top reporters get the low down on who’s going down on who in D.C. 

Washington Week in Review will become Washington Week Confidential as the panel of clueless columnists and reporters are replaced with real deal sharing Madams and blackmailing ex-staff members filling in the blanks between Downline’s historic revelations. 

For the kiddies Sesame Street turns the corner to Sexame Street
Big Bird retires and is replaced by Big Boobs, a yellow haired Puerto Rican Stripper and her lovely friends the Nookie Monster and Oscar who always has his face buried in someone.

The whole family can enjoy when Nature becomes Raw Nature which puts a little more emphasis on the reproductive activities of animals and some of the unique relationships they can develop with lonely farmers and zoologists. 

Military and history buffs will be thrilled when Secrets of the Dead matures into Sex Secrets of the Dead taking us under the uniforms of famous generals and dictators while the new American Sexperience does the same with our past leaders, inventors and captains of industry.

No Sunday night would be complete without Masterpiece Porno which moves from the stuffy 19th century centric of the BBC to Danish Television’s naughty network hits. For America’s own catch updated Great Performances X featuring the most endowed and flexible copulatory artistes from the 50 states.

Just as you enjoyed the stories of the writers, musicians and visual and performing artists on American Masters who brought so much pleasure to all the world, you’ll enjoy American Masturbators who brought so much pleasure to themselves. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Only the Lonely

As it is once again rub loneliness in the face of the unattached day, Satire1 celebrates the misery of the rejected and overlooked with a review of the latest and most honest dating apps that have digitally replaced chance, romance, concerned friends and springtime nights. So for you readers who are (un)happily configured a look at the current madness that replaced the familiar madness and for you, like I, adrift alone in the sea of love push up your bras, sew that roll of quarters into your pants pocket and brave the new world.

XRITENOW.COM
Fastest growing dating app known for asking only two questions in its profile: where and how soon you can get there. Recommended for singles new to the dating app scene as it dispenses with the awkward vertical aspect of courtship.

SPANKER.EDU
Collegiate service that connects local campus dorms in a Saturday night love lottery, Friday night   pot luck hookup and Thursday night shit face. Started up by two sophomores at MIT who couldn’t quite get the hang of masturbation.

THATSNOTASALUTEBUTILIKEIT.COM
Offers military personnel safe havens where they can cross ranks for hand to hand close quarters orifice invasions and delayed defenses. Popular with the overseas deployed and the stateside encamped.

CELLMATES.COM
Allows inmates in the same big house to secure rendezvouses in cafeteria and shower corners in off hours for picking at the lock your mama gave you.

Don Arrup
Satire1