A Classic Post from 2016

 A Jew, a Hispanic, a Billionaire and a Woman walk into a Caucus and the bartender asks: So where's the Mormon and the black guy?

Vote

Don Arrup

Satire 1

Electionween

 

With the country so divisive- so evenly divided- what could be more frightening than Election Day. Make no mistake, monsters scare the shit out of me. Even zombies if there’s a lot of them. My fear is that a contested election could split the country and I mean split it like an atom.  Boom. Not to be confused with boom economy or boom times. I mean no economy and no time. Boom.

Russia’s at war and China’s picking fights with the rest of Asia. Dictators are huddling. Israel seeks a victory of Biblical proportions and I don’t know which continent is collapsing faster: South America or Africa.

By the way, how’s the weather?

Frankenstein and the Wolf Man aren’t looking so bad.  They’re in Transil fucking nowhere. And yet! That’s just where I want to be. 

The world is always ending.

Happy Halloween from

Satire1

My Homework Ate My Dog

In a galaxy not so far away

Haircut

Vice President Harass, are Americans better off today than they were when you took office?

Harass

“Thank you Haircut, for that question. I grew up in a middle class immigrant home. My father taught Marx and Hitler while my mother was a homemaker and weekend liberal terrorist. So I decided to go to law school and prosecute everything that moved in northern California until I incarcerated the city of San Francisco.

Haircut

Vice President Harass, who- if anyone- did you have to blow in order to get your opportunities?

Harass

“Practically everybody. This Heels Up Harass meme makes me sound lazy. I worked my way up to Sacramento and back to Berkley on my knees doing the same thing my opponent, Rump, did and the only difference is I was blowing millionaires while Silver Spoon was blowing billionaires.”

Haircut

Former President Rump, you have eleven seconds to respond.

Rump

“This was all before she became a black woman and I became an orange man.”

Haircut

Vice President?

Harass

“Excuse me but I attended the nation’s leading HBCU and am a lifelong sister in Gamma Gamma Whamma Bamma.

Haircut

Former President Rump?

Rump

“She went to Howard University on a minority scholarship because she is an Indian Woo Woo Woo and Haitian as in Hate Nation. I’m not going to deny the blowjobs. I’m a business man. It seals more deals than your brother whacks off, okay. I’ll need a pillow but I get the deal done.”

Haircut

Vice President Harass?

Harass

You don’t know how many orifices you have until you work in Washington.

Hairdo

Mr. Rump?

Rump

You could address me as Former President Rump or, if you were honest- as current President Rump.

Hairdo

Rump, Public Intellectual and Adult Film Entertainer Story Devils has intimately studied your crowd size and hinted that it might not be—

Rump

I do not think it is proper to talk about my crowd size in public because it is the public. It’s the people and we the people in order to create a more perfect sandwich or burger. 

Hairdo

I think Ms. Devils was referring to the hot dog.

Rump

You mean frankfurter? That’s the actual name of the beast. It’s the sausage of Frankfort and we changed the name because we were fighting those people in World War One. If you say dog now the migrants- from prisons, asylums, pottery classes and outer space will come and eat you and your dog. And some of the migrants bring their pets- chickens, bird flu infected roosters raping our chickens laying demon eggs. Disease, rabies, hidden fees. No. No, you shouldn’t bring up my hot dog.

Harass

I’ll bring up your hot dog and then slap it in a bun.

Rump

If it’s your bun then the mustard’s on me. 

Haircut

How about Chili, Former President?

Rump

Maybe. Maybe chili, chili with beans, vegan, Reagan. What the hell ever happened to Hormel? When did some Democrat take over the company and turn it into Horny Hell?

Haircut

That happened during your administration.

Harass

My ass itches.

Rump

You’ve had three and a half years to scratch it. Why haven’t you scratched your ass?

Harass

I was afraid that in the process I’d scratch your face.

Rump

And you scratch like a cat, lady. She’s a childless cat lady. Turn off the lights. I swear her eyes glow in the dark.

Haircut

An overwhelming majority of former election opponents described the Vice President as more of a biter than a scratcher and you yourself invited the Vice President to bite you in more than one of your small rallies.

Rump

None of my rallies are small. Even the one I held in the elevator coming up to this floor was attended by countless, adoring, loyal followers who would take a bullet for me whereas Harass’ followers only show up for as long as the pizza and kegs are still going. Cat Lady. Cat Lady don’t go to Ohio or you will be eaten by the millions of migrants you invited into our country.

Harass

 A blindfolded lady holding scales and a sword let them in. They were invited by a woman holding a torch in your hometown’s harbor.

Rump

Justice is bought and Liberty takes in too many liberties.

Hairdo

Former Reality Show Star Rump, if elected, what is the first thing you’re going to do for the American people once you are through with your revenge rampage?

Rump

I’ll end the tax on tips.

Harass

So will I.

Rump

I won’t tax overtime.

Harass

If I can get it through Congress. 

Rump

Okay, tough girl, you think you’ve sewn up the women’s vote. I won’t tax shoes. Let the manufacturing countries pay the duty. Its their duty.

Harass

And start a war with Paris and Italy?

Rump

We’re already at war with Paris and Italy. They spank us with tariffs-

Harass

You’re mansplaining this to me?

Rump

A lot of women get goofy about these sort of things. Like men are with guns and cars.

Harass

And crowd size. It’s not the shoes but the places we have to go and the things we have to do and still look good.

Rump

I couldn’t approach you with my hand out when we entered because you are sorta maybe Vice President of the United States of America and you’re wearing a pair of Fuck Me shoes.

Harass

Correction. These are titanium tipped four inch stiletto heeled Fuck You shoes.

Rump

My Veep Dence thought he was going to wear his Blow Me Boots once to a fundraiser.

Harass

And what did you do, oh great and unimpeachable critic?

Ramp

I spanked him with his family Bible.

Harass

Until they came to hang him?

Ramp

Until he admitted that pregnancy can enslave a woman.

Harass

And sometimes even kill her.

Ramp

So let’s kill the baby. 

Haircut

Vice President Harass; Former President Rump; with all due respect, you are both dangerously close to holding a frank discussion concerning a real issue that is of great importance to the American people.

Hairdo

We are here to remind you that this is a and may be the only presidential debate and the viewing audience is praying for a back alley cat and dog fight.

Haircut

Bitch slapping , ego spanking, mud slinging, lying, cheating Saturday Night Live sketch. 

Hairdo

If you want to really start talking to each other rather than at each other then you two are going to have to take it to Public television.  

No End

Don Arrup

Satire1