Next Up: States

“What’s with New Mexico? It’s America. It’s not Mexico new or old. That’s it. Drop the new and start calling the other Mexico Old Mexico or South Mexico. I like that. Hey, you can go back to calling the Gulf the Gulf of Mexico again. Not the Old Gulf of South Mexico. It’s going to save us billions. Now we don’t have to build a moat. 

I have no trouble with New York. They don’t vote for me but it’s hometown and the city really is new in every sense of the word. New Jersey is another story. What’s with Jersey? The state of new shirt? New cow? Someone help me out here. Some island with a pub. Sounds like a beautiful woman’s name. Maybe not beautiful but certainly a really built woman’s name. Just call it Jersey or Turnpike.

California? That’s not a name. That’s a sentence. I’d say just call it Big but we need that for Texas. I love Texas and Texas loves me but it sounds too much like Taxes. We don’t like taxes. Take away the T and we got Axes. Guns would be more accurate. Okay, then it’s settled. We’ll call California Big and Texas Guns. That’ll end all this red blue division. Get rid of the wrong names. We can all be purple again. Just like Mother Money wanted.

Utah? You tall? I’m tall. I don’t know about you. Massachusetts? Gesundheit. It’s a sneeze not a state. Leave them blue. Who wants them? They claim to be the original abolitionist state and the first four letters spell Massa. You can’t make this up.  

Arizona? Florida? California? Montana? Spanish names. Spain has no business leaving their names lying all over the Americas. No wonder we kicked them out. No wonder all these migrants invade us. These states have Spanish names. Not English names. New Hampshire, Wisconsin, nothing Spanish sounding about those states. The migrants leave them alone.

 The Dakotas? Indian names. Native Americans were the first illegal aliens. Back to the reservation, Chief. And get your thumb out of my turkey.

Arizona? Just call the state Tea. Migrants don’t drink tea. Tequila and coffee. They’ll leave Tea alone. They’ll look someplace else. We’ll get the best Asians there instead Don’t even need a wall.  Florida is some Easter flower show? I live in Florida. It’s not that gay, believe me. Cubans yeah. No LGBTQRST. Not in Lago. That’s a big No No.

Wyoming why not? Name the states that are saying something else. I’ll ask yah. Are cans ass? How why I? I’d the hoe. Ill in noise. I owe wha? Cans ass. My shit can. Oh! Hi! Oh. Rhode Island is not an island. No way they keep that lie for a name through my administration. A state cannot be a lie. And some are.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Marriage is for Monsters

Mrs. Jack Ripper

“I don’t care what he does on his nights out. He doesn’t touch a knife in my flat. He has to butter his bread with a spoon, he does. He just loves cutting meat- flesh so much. He’s never bit me. Even in the… I know that’s what you were asking yourselves. He only kills tarts. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.” 

Frankenstein Monster

“I asked the doctor to look around for a bigger pecker for me. Nothing violent. Peek around the morgue some. The stiffs aren’t using them. Hope to find some older hung guy who had a get a nut induced heart attack. Most of the stiffs are stiff everywhere but. It’d really help me with the bride. You have no idea how much bone it takes to keep that shock fro going. “

Queen Kong

“Of course I was jealous of the white girl but only at first. I mean, what could King possibly do with her? All the little bitch could do is scream for Christ’s sake. She was a toy and those little white men were going to kidnap King anyway. I’m just glad they didn’t come after me. Hope to never see those white devils on Skull Island again.”

Countess Dracula

“Of course he needs- we need- new contributors but I tell him the poor, ugly girls taste just as good. These refined debutantes he goes after always have some fiancé or Van Helsing wannabe to hassle us.  Bat Drac wants me to round up young men for us. I told him they drink cheap hooch and have butt crack breath. Seduce them and all their blood’s in their pants.  I’m not sucking down there.”

Suck down there to have a Happy Valentine’s Day 

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

How to Beat Mother and Home

P Pa Pat Rick 

Patrick Hat trick

Mother, Maw, Ma

Where?

Home

Most of us have lived in more than one

Homes

Mother Homes

Patrick Hat Trick Mother Homes

Pat Mahomes

He’s shit good

Philly D has to cover the sky

Saquon can’t just run

He’s got to fly

Eagles

Fly

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

Inauguration Day 25

Everybody’s sticking their fingers up my wife’s ass

Who do they think they are? Nuns?

These artists at the museum squatting

Trying to steal strokes from the masters

My cousin has a stroke every year

His wife went to art school

And people think guns are dangerous

I wipe my ass with a revolver

An egg’ll kill you

If you can afford one

Or know a hen

Don’t try to get an egg from a friend

Not these days

Bird Flu?

Birds were always flying 

What’s the big Yup?

If it’s bird flu how come cows get it?

Biden never explained that

Maybe Trump will

Taking the Inauguration indoors

Finally admitting the White House and Congress

Are just two big barns

A couple of crows could run the country better

If those tariffs go through

I’m back to wearing newspaper underwear

With Tic Tock gone I’m back to staring at my hand

Wasn’t there a twenty here just a minute ago?

Ducks have bills

I get paid in fly paper!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump's Cabinet Rejection List

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL 

Al Capone (unavailable)

John Dillinger (too hung)

Blackbeard the Pirate (B.O.)

DEFENSE

Vladimir Putin (too short)

Athena (too Greek)

George Washington (retired)

STATE

Marjorie Taylor Green ( half blue)

Don Rickles (too polite)

Bozo (too clown)

INTERIOR

Stormy Daniels (stool pigeon)

POSTIERIOR

Kim Kardashian (too distracting)

TRESURY

Eb Scrooge (too reformed)

Richie Rich (is a bitch)

AGRICULTURE

Old MacDonald (too e i e i o)

TRANSPORTATION

Ralf Kramden (still honeymooning)

HOMELAND SECURITY

Rip Van Winkle (too sleepy)

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Robert Kennedy (already assigned)

EDUCATION

Sue Sylvester (off key)

Yoda (way too short)

Edna Krabapple (too Simpsons)

EPA

Godzilla (bad breath)

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Don't Like Her Shoes

The Democratic Party is in the midst of their Grand Inquisition because the Grand Old Party won both houses of Congress along with the presidency. Satire1 has taken to the corner of Main Street and Popeye Place in Ann Arbor, Michigan to inquire why voters didn’t return to the donkey fold last week.

Woman with three dogs

“Harris looks too damn good for her age. At least Trump and Biden have the decency to look like shit.”

Mag Hat Matt

“The weather has been kicking our ass all year and we need a president not afraid to kick Mother Nature’s ass back.”

Woman with four dogs and a cat

“Biden should have put his wife up in his place. That’s how it works in most households and family businesses. She is a professor and doctor and blond and she has the sense and foresight to almost never address the American people who never want to hear about it anyway.”

Pudding Puss

“Harris raises chickens at the Vice President’s Brown House Mansion. All Southeast Asians do. Before she became Biden’s squeeze there was no bird flu or Chicken Covid let alone that Jamaican Jerk Virus.”

Thigh High Red Boots

“Don’t you know? Harris is really a guy- the whole Bay Area is trans. Except when she plays sports.”

Hockey Stick

“Kamala was in charge of the border and let anyone in who was open to a sex change and murdering 

a fetus.”

Too Busy Hairdo

“Kitten-less Cat Lady.

Farmer Bean

“All politicians are thieves and Trump’s the only one who’s smart enough to get away with it.

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

A Classic Post from 2016

 A Jew, a Hispanic, a Billionaire and a Woman walk into a Caucus and the bartender asks: So where's the Mormon and the black guy?

Vote

Don Arrup

Satire 1

Electionween

 

With the country so divisive- so evenly divided- what could be more frightening than Election Day. Make no mistake, monsters scare the shit out of me. Even zombies if there’s a lot of them. My fear is that a contested election could split the country and I mean split it like an atom.  Boom. Not to be confused with boom economy or boom times. I mean no economy and no time. Boom.

Russia’s at war and China’s picking fights with the rest of Asia. Dictators are huddling. Israel seeks a victory of Biblical proportions and I don’t know which continent is collapsing faster: South America or Africa.

By the way, how’s the weather?

Frankenstein and the Wolf Man aren’t looking so bad.  They’re in Transil fucking nowhere. And yet! That’s just where I want to be. 

The world is always ending.

Happy Halloween from

Satire1