We the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect stranglehold, destroy Justice, insure domestic Subservience, provide for the common Enslavement, promote obscene Profit and secure the Blessing of unbridled Lobbying to ourselves and no one who actually works, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.
BILL OF WRONGS
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless it is Evangelical Christian, or prohibit the free exercise thereof including murder, child marriage and the denial of civil rights to queers; or abridging the freedom of speech if speech is understood to be money, or of the press if it is apart of a large syndicate, or the right of industries to menacingly amass and petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State is totally irrelevant to the Second Amendment which allows that anyone who is willing to surrender their vote against all reason to powers who could not give a crap about them can own, carry and threaten their neighbors with whatever weapon of individual or mass destruction they can get their hands on.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects from unreasonable searches and seizures is over and it ain’t coming back, baby.
Don Arrup
Satire1
*Satire1 celebrates its 100th post. Thank you, readers. Both of you.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Dance Of Death
When Potomac High began to plan their Winter Dance Student Council President Oba deferred the details to the student representatives and the senior class committee. Nancy told the reps they could have anything they wanted and Harry told the seniors nothing would happen if they didn’t approve. So Nancy and her group planned an all night buffet cruise while Harry and the seniors feared the money for their Prom would be depleted.
As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.
Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.
“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”
Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.
The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.
Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.
“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”
Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.
The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Health Care For Dummies
Though the trillions of dollars spent by U.S. government (U.S. reads us suckers) on two wars along with the some day stimulus package pale in comparison to the exploding cost of health care members of the House of Representatives continue to represent the whose interests?
Rep. A Hole of Old Mexico
“I believe the poor should suffer otherwise there’s no incentive to dig out of their drug infested hole to work and get drunk at a wine bar.”
Rep. B S of Cornbraska
“Keeping working people healthy will kill jobs. For years employers have had to hire five people to fill four positions due to perfectly treatable ailments which keep workers bedridden 20% of their working lives.”
Rep. C Nada of Shitagan
“What’s good for General Motors is good for the country- when there was a country.”
Rep. D Zasster of Taxes
“Cowboys only went to the doctor if they were shot.”
Rep. E Nuff of Pennsilpusha
“Our hospitals can’t handle the load now. Just make more mobile clinics where registered nurses can tell people what’s murdering them.”
Rep. F Ewe of New York
“We just gave billions to AIG and now you want us to make it harder for them to make a profit?”
Rep. G Whiz of Pillinious
“When my daughter sprained her ankle playing soccer we had to wait for almost twenty minutes in a room full of badly dressed people before my aides got us in.”
Rep. H Elle of Momtana
“I say cut taxes on alcohol and people will complain less.”
Rep. I Sorender of Horegon
“We give free health care to illegal aliens and captured terrorists and now you want Americans covered?”
Rep. J Erk of Malabama
“Any Christian can be healed by their preacher. Half the Jews in my state are doctors and the Muslims and Buddhists all dress like they’re in the hospital anyway.”
Rep. K Oh of Hennesee
“I feel fine. I don’t know what the problem is.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Rep. A Hole of Old Mexico
“I believe the poor should suffer otherwise there’s no incentive to dig out of their drug infested hole to work and get drunk at a wine bar.”
Rep. B S of Cornbraska
“Keeping working people healthy will kill jobs. For years employers have had to hire five people to fill four positions due to perfectly treatable ailments which keep workers bedridden 20% of their working lives.”
Rep. C Nada of Shitagan
“What’s good for General Motors is good for the country- when there was a country.”
Rep. D Zasster of Taxes
“Cowboys only went to the doctor if they were shot.”
Rep. E Nuff of Pennsilpusha
“Our hospitals can’t handle the load now. Just make more mobile clinics where registered nurses can tell people what’s murdering them.”
Rep. F Ewe of New York
“We just gave billions to AIG and now you want us to make it harder for them to make a profit?”
Rep. G Whiz of Pillinious
“When my daughter sprained her ankle playing soccer we had to wait for almost twenty minutes in a room full of badly dressed people before my aides got us in.”
Rep. H Elle of Momtana
“I say cut taxes on alcohol and people will complain less.”
Rep. I Sorender of Horegon
“We give free health care to illegal aliens and captured terrorists and now you want Americans covered?”
Rep. J Erk of Malabama
“Any Christian can be healed by their preacher. Half the Jews in my state are doctors and the Muslims and Buddhists all dress like they’re in the hospital anyway.”
Rep. K Oh of Hennesee
“I feel fine. I don’t know what the problem is.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Senator Claims To Have Read Health Bill
The rumor mill in the United States Senate reached fever pitch with outbreaks of “You lie” and fisticuffs on the Senate floor. A historic debate is underway as the Senate returned early from their New Year break when the blogsphere exploded with unsubstantiated accusations that an unnamed Senator from a western state read the entire 997 page Senate Health Insurance Makeover Bill. Satire1 gathered off the record statements from Senators from both parties and around the country.
“I’ve stated publicly and almost honestly that I haven’t read a single word of that mess but I was one of the five Senators in the hall who heard the Senator make the claim. I’ve known and worked with this Senator for sixteen years and quite frankly I was surprised to hear he could read.”
“If you don’t read it out loud it doesn’t count.”
“The first hundred pages are exciting because it threatens to suggest change. The second hundred pages are shameless pork and I could tell what the end was going to be before I read another twenty pages. A blowjob for the Insurers and a hand job for the insured.”
“We can’t get any concrete proposals from the medical community but it’s our own fault. If we want reform we should be recruiting medical students from reform schools.”
“You can’t tell anything about a Senate bill by reading it. It’s how it plays out in the real world that counts. Since this is a medical bill I demanded we give the text an MRI. Isn’t that the answer to everything these days.”
“Health Care makes me sick.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“I’ve stated publicly and almost honestly that I haven’t read a single word of that mess but I was one of the five Senators in the hall who heard the Senator make the claim. I’ve known and worked with this Senator for sixteen years and quite frankly I was surprised to hear he could read.”
“If you don’t read it out loud it doesn’t count.”
“The first hundred pages are exciting because it threatens to suggest change. The second hundred pages are shameless pork and I could tell what the end was going to be before I read another twenty pages. A blowjob for the Insurers and a hand job for the insured.”
“We can’t get any concrete proposals from the medical community but it’s our own fault. If we want reform we should be recruiting medical students from reform schools.”
“You can’t tell anything about a Senate bill by reading it. It’s how it plays out in the real world that counts. Since this is a medical bill I demanded we give the text an MRI. Isn’t that the answer to everything these days.”
“Health Care makes me sick.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Dear Uncle Samta 09
I need a new decade. I wore this one out. Got a job. Got a better job. Got no job. Maxed out my credit card. Bought a house. Bought some stock. Was rich like twice. More broke now than I’ve been since I was a kid. Lost my hair, some teeth and the ability to read anything after sundown. My toes are down here somewhere. Ate too much shit. Took too much crap. Never got laid but was screwed with great frequency. Paid taxes. Saw doctors. Watched TV. Made friends on the Internet. My ass itches; more now than in any other time in my life. I hope that’s a good sign.
I need stimulus. Young beaver. Silver dollar pancakes. Row boat. A guy with a big hat and big beard to go fishing with. A retired porn star wife who makes beer. She doesn’t have to clean the house. Leave it a mess. My life’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’ll feel at home.
Obama’s been boss for almost a year and not a phone call or an email. I don’t think he’s asking about me. Anyone who knows me would tell me if Obama was asking about me. It’d be like a big deal or something. Invites total strangers to his parties. I don’t even have a record player.
Movies suck. It’s all eye drug and haemoid ice cream. Music’s worse. I freely admit that half the music I enjoyed was noise. Now it’s all noise. An angry hobo screaming at you about shit while you’re laying on the floor of a speeding boxcar.
TV’s all mean people and assholes. I can’t tell if I’m watching a reality show or a cartoon. The only thing more ridiculous and unreal is the News. And it’s a whole different world on every network. Thank god I never sesame to cable.
Young people post photo albums of every moment of youth I’m trying to forget. I expect people under thirty to be depressed, obsessed and psychotic but most of them just look concerned. They look like they’ll be middle-aged in like ten minutes. They scare me, even more than when I was young.
Looks like we have seasons again. Missed them. A cold puddle followed by a big puddle, hot concrete and finally the trees littering. I’d go to the park but I usually step in dog shit.
Happy New Decade
Don Arrup
Satire1
I need stimulus. Young beaver. Silver dollar pancakes. Row boat. A guy with a big hat and big beard to go fishing with. A retired porn star wife who makes beer. She doesn’t have to clean the house. Leave it a mess. My life’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’ll feel at home.
Obama’s been boss for almost a year and not a phone call or an email. I don’t think he’s asking about me. Anyone who knows me would tell me if Obama was asking about me. It’d be like a big deal or something. Invites total strangers to his parties. I don’t even have a record player.
Movies suck. It’s all eye drug and haemoid ice cream. Music’s worse. I freely admit that half the music I enjoyed was noise. Now it’s all noise. An angry hobo screaming at you about shit while you’re laying on the floor of a speeding boxcar.
TV’s all mean people and assholes. I can’t tell if I’m watching a reality show or a cartoon. The only thing more ridiculous and unreal is the News. And it’s a whole different world on every network. Thank god I never sesame to cable.
Young people post photo albums of every moment of youth I’m trying to forget. I expect people under thirty to be depressed, obsessed and psychotic but most of them just look concerned. They look like they’ll be middle-aged in like ten minutes. They scare me, even more than when I was young.
Looks like we have seasons again. Missed them. A cold puddle followed by a big puddle, hot concrete and finally the trees littering. I’d go to the park but I usually step in dog shit.
Happy New Decade
Don Arrup
Satire1
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Take My Vote. Please
Senate Majority Leader Reid claims to have sixty senators willing to vote in favor of ending the debate on the bill that no one has read but everyone has bled. Below are democratic senators from around the country on exactly what bribe they demanded.
“I told Harry he’s got to take my mother in law off my hands. He lives two blocks away from me. His wife doesn’t work and is known for her foot rubs. I told him you want my vote I want my life. She can visit us anytime I’m not home. I’ll pay top rent dollar but your wife’s got to feed her and pretend to listen to her sometimes. Otherwise, you’ll wish you were in the Senate.”
“The people of my state need to get laid. I don’t care what it takes: legalizing prostitution, marijuana or gay marriage. I tell them sex is green. I tell them it is the only adult activity we haven’t taxed yet. I tell them it burns calories and aids sleep. A hand job and a bowl of ice cream is Saturday night in our capital. We can’t do anything to protect farm animals. Half our National Guard is in Iraq while our wool and dairy industries are being sodomized.”
“The people of my state aren’t sick. I’ve been in every hospital in my state and everybody’s just having babies or too damn old or did something stupid.
They have pills for everything. If you’re a senior we almost cover it. If not then the pharmacist is going to step around the counter and pull your pants off. Your wallet won’t cover it. Wear a long coat. This bill mentions that problem. I’ve been promised that.”
“I want the Super Bowl in our state. At least once a decade. Hell, we have a stadium you can bang your wife in but in the Hollywood Football League if you’re not on the coast or belly of this country you don’t exist.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“I told Harry he’s got to take my mother in law off my hands. He lives two blocks away from me. His wife doesn’t work and is known for her foot rubs. I told him you want my vote I want my life. She can visit us anytime I’m not home. I’ll pay top rent dollar but your wife’s got to feed her and pretend to listen to her sometimes. Otherwise, you’ll wish you were in the Senate.”
“The people of my state need to get laid. I don’t care what it takes: legalizing prostitution, marijuana or gay marriage. I tell them sex is green. I tell them it is the only adult activity we haven’t taxed yet. I tell them it burns calories and aids sleep. A hand job and a bowl of ice cream is Saturday night in our capital. We can’t do anything to protect farm animals. Half our National Guard is in Iraq while our wool and dairy industries are being sodomized.”
“The people of my state aren’t sick. I’ve been in every hospital in my state and everybody’s just having babies or too damn old or did something stupid.
They have pills for everything. If you’re a senior we almost cover it. If not then the pharmacist is going to step around the counter and pull your pants off. Your wallet won’t cover it. Wear a long coat. This bill mentions that problem. I’ve been promised that.”
“I want the Super Bowl in our state. At least once a decade. Hell, we have a stadium you can bang your wife in but in the Hollywood Football League if you’re not on the coast or belly of this country you don’t exist.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
All For Joe
President Obama responded to the Health Care debate:
Of course Joe is going to get his way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Joe is the way. I ran for the Office of the President of the United States in order to serve Joe. Every decision I make is ultimately weighed on a single scale: What’s good for Joe.
Now, I can’t take all the credit. The House of Representatives and the Senate have been working tirelessly to put on a show to dramatize the inevitable outcome. Way to go Joe.
Now Joe isn’t related to the plumber. They’re just both Joes. If there is any relation through family or organization I am totally unaware of it. The plumber lost anyway. Joe won. Joe always wins.
God bless Joe. Thank you.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Of course Joe is going to get his way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Joe is the way. I ran for the Office of the President of the United States in order to serve Joe. Every decision I make is ultimately weighed on a single scale: What’s good for Joe.
Now, I can’t take all the credit. The House of Representatives and the Senate have been working tirelessly to put on a show to dramatize the inevitable outcome. Way to go Joe.
Now Joe isn’t related to the plumber. They’re just both Joes. If there is any relation through family or organization I am totally unaware of it. The plumber lost anyway. Joe won. Joe always wins.
God bless Joe. Thank you.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Obama In Plain English
Afghanistan is f**ked up. It was before I took office and has been getting more f**ked up ever since. So we’re going to kick some ass. The Taligang has gotten bigger so I’m sending in more boots. They’re not staying forever. We’re kicking ass and then handing it over to the locals. Tell them we’ll send you some money. Keep a couple of our wise guys to talk to you. You do the bleeding and dying. Its your home not ours.
All of their neighbors are trouble. Some have nukes and some are developing nukes. And they all hate each other. The Osama gang is working the whole neighborhood and looking to trouble us. They’ve troubled us in the past and we’ve had enough of it.
Now it’s going to suck for a while. And even if we get everything out of this caper that we want it’s still going to suck. So the question is do we shrink the gun they’re pointing at us or do we keep losing over there or pull our people home and suck the big one soon.
How are we going to pay for all this? I say since we’re the biggest dog there we demand our cut of the corruption. A percentage of the heroin trade alone would pay for Afghanistan and Iraq.
And I know a lot of my critics have been complaining about my administration having our hand up our butt over this for weeks but we had to first figure which hand it was so we knew we were smelling the right fingers. I think we have a pretty good idea now. So you can all sleep better now knowing that the war, death and debt will go on.
Don Arrup
Satire1
All of their neighbors are trouble. Some have nukes and some are developing nukes. And they all hate each other. The Osama gang is working the whole neighborhood and looking to trouble us. They’ve troubled us in the past and we’ve had enough of it.
Now it’s going to suck for a while. And even if we get everything out of this caper that we want it’s still going to suck. So the question is do we shrink the gun they’re pointing at us or do we keep losing over there or pull our people home and suck the big one soon.
How are we going to pay for all this? I say since we’re the biggest dog there we demand our cut of the corruption. A percentage of the heroin trade alone would pay for Afghanistan and Iraq.
And I know a lot of my critics have been complaining about my administration having our hand up our butt over this for weeks but we had to first figure which hand it was so we knew we were smelling the right fingers. I think we have a pretty good idea now. So you can all sleep better now knowing that the war, death and debt will go on.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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