Taliban Overruns Alaska

The combined forces of Pakistani and Afghan Taliban along with the powerful Yemenis navy have seized the ports of Juno and Fairbanks and are cleansing the state of board games and harmonicas. The Super TaliYemBan (STY) as the expeditionary force calls itself has not yet declared mission accomplished claiming that they did not come for gold or oil but to capture President Palin.

“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”

Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”

Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”

Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”

President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”

Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sick Summit

Obama addressed the Congressional audience.

“My butt hurts. This legislation has been given me an insufferable pain in my butt. The American people want to know what you are going to do about it?”

Sen. Mack
I have a doughnut but it’s going to cost you.

Rep. Henny
This recession has been a pain in everyone’s butt. If we don’t provide affordable doughnuts to all the American people more citizens will be forced to go to emergency rooms to get their doughnut time.

Rep. Poohba
That will raise the price of everyone’s doughnut. We must be honest with the American people.

Sen. Jacktaw
No, if the market forces you so religiously believe in work at all it should drive down the cost of doughnuts. The market will be more efficient with more butts for more doughnuts.

Sen. Snowball
You need a nurse to assist you in getting a properly fitting doughnut then a therapist to make sure its not cutting off your circulation. There’s a nursing shortage that is exploding in our faces and we still won’t pay experienced nurses to teach nursing students.

Obama
I’ve been sitting on a soaked phonebook taped in a garbage bag. It works pretty well but it’s not a permanent solution. Besides, I already promised the doughnut makers that we wouldn’t press them for a deal for Medicaid or Medicare.

Rep. Haley
Now my butt hurts.

Rep. Twiddle
Are you sure your butt hurts, Mr. President? Have you had your butt cat scanned? It might be a psychological problem. I vote for more tests.

Sen. Twig
Now we all know that God put us on this Earth to make doctors and lawyers millionaires but God was wrong. Only doctors should be millionaires. We must do something about Tort Reform.

Obama
I advise everyone here who was never been a lawyer to vote for Tort Reform.

Rep. Blight
Economists of every stripe agree that the needs of the American people can only be met by a combination of higher taxes and reduced doughnuts. We all know the answer to this problem.

Sen. Cane
Why is it every time we’re fighting two wars, in a near depression, the state governments default and a generational tsunami is about to crash on us you want to raise taxes?

Rep. Blob
Why should we give up anything? Or leave anything in the peoples pockets for the insurance companies and banks to pick?

Obama
Let me see that doughnut.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Mad Hatter

Tea Party!

March Hare couldn’t wait through the snow. Got to go. Got to go.

Bailout. Foreclosure. Reform. Deficit. Iraq. Afghanistan.

The Lie that is too big to fail.

Bring gold to the Tea Party. Bring guns and rage. Washington is too far away. Further than London was when our pappies broke away. Richmond couldn’t divorce Washington. It was just a stone’s throw away.

Away.

I don’t disagree with the Tea Party. Rich guys run everything. There is no secret agenda. They want to be richer. Borders are only maintained by race, religion and hate (or indifference in the case of Canada). The entire planet and our Moon will be one McDonald’s franchise before the decade is through. I don’t disagree with the outlook of the Tea Party. I just don’t understand why they didn’t figure it out when they were thirteen.

Every American should read the Constitution if only to see it is not the Bible, Wall Street Journal or New York Times. The Declaration of Independence does not apply. It was a letter of resignation to an insane monarch. All men are created equal but we’re keeping slavery. Women forget it. And there’s nothing about guns in it.

No taxation without masturbation. Sarah Palin reads her hand. The millionaire she ran with didn’t win. It was the whitest guy in the Millionaires Club versus the blackest guy. History was made. A millionaire became President.

I wish Sarah Palin wrote on her thigh. Now that would be some reading.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saint Valentine's Day Massacred

Righteous Valentine, patron saint of overpriced chocolates and extortion rate roses; of lonely eating ice cream and tear jerk movies; of the fear of forgetful husbands and despondent single women. Your birthday for many is “You’re alone and nobody loves you day.” Yet we celebrate you still.

For men Valentine’s Day is a shake down pure and simple. As children threaten havoc if not candied on Halloween, women stew an ocean of wrath and tears if they are not honored this cold holiday. Children, who adults rule most of the year, deserve the tables turned before all saints feast. Women, who men oppressed but never ruled, deserve sweets and pretties for being the inserted.

Lovers who can be together rejoice. Those who are alone choose to think themselves so. South of what used to be the border today is called Dia de Amor y la Amistad. Day of Love and Friendship.

It is also Chinese New Year. Go Tigers!

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Roberts Court Reading

We the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect stranglehold, destroy Justice, insure domestic Subservience, provide for the common Enslavement, promote obscene Profit and secure the Blessing of unbridled Lobbying to ourselves and no one who actually works, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.

BILL OF WRONGS
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless it is Evangelical Christian, or prohibit the free exercise thereof including murder, child marriage and the denial of civil rights to queers; or abridging the freedom of speech if speech is understood to be money, or of the press if it is apart of a large syndicate, or the right of industries to menacingly amass and petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State is totally irrelevant to the Second Amendment which allows that anyone who is willing to surrender their vote against all reason to powers who could not give a crap about them can own, carry and threaten their neighbors with whatever weapon of individual or mass destruction they can get their hands on.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects from unreasonable searches and seizures is over and it ain’t coming back, baby.

Don Arrup
Satire1

*Satire1 celebrates its 100th post. Thank you, readers. Both of you.

Dance Of Death

When Potomac High began to plan their Winter Dance Student Council President Oba deferred the details to the student representatives and the senior class committee. Nancy told the reps they could have anything they wanted and Harry told the seniors nothing would happen if they didn’t approve. So Nancy and her group planned an all night buffet cruise while Harry and the seniors feared the money for their Prom would be depleted.

As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.

Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.

“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”

Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.

The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.

Don Arrup
Satire1

King

Remembered.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Health Care For Dummies

Though the trillions of dollars spent by U.S. government (U.S. reads us suckers) on two wars along with the some day stimulus package pale in comparison to the exploding cost of health care members of the House of Representatives continue to represent the whose interests?

Rep. A Hole of Old Mexico
“I believe the poor should suffer otherwise there’s no incentive to dig out of their drug infested hole to work and get drunk at a wine bar.”

Rep. B S of Cornbraska
“Keeping working people healthy will kill jobs. For years employers have had to hire five people to fill four positions due to perfectly treatable ailments which keep workers bedridden 20% of their working lives.”

Rep. C Nada of Shitagan
“What’s good for General Motors is good for the country- when there was a country.”

Rep. D Zasster of Taxes
“Cowboys only went to the doctor if they were shot.”

Rep. E Nuff of Pennsilpusha
“Our hospitals can’t handle the load now. Just make more mobile clinics where registered nurses can tell people what’s murdering them.”

Rep. F Ewe of New York
“We just gave billions to AIG and now you want us to make it harder for them to make a profit?”

Rep. G Whiz of Pillinious
“When my daughter sprained her ankle playing soccer we had to wait for almost twenty minutes in a room full of badly dressed people before my aides got us in.”

Rep. H Elle of Momtana
“I say cut taxes on alcohol and people will complain less.”

Rep. I Sorender of Horegon
“We give free health care to illegal aliens and captured terrorists and now you want Americans covered?”

Rep. J Erk of Malabama
“Any Christian can be healed by their preacher. Half the Jews in my state are doctors and the Muslims and Buddhists all dress like they’re in the hospital anyway.”

Rep. K Oh of Hennesee
“I feel fine. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Senator Claims To Have Read Health Bill

The rumor mill in the United States Senate reached fever pitch with outbreaks of “You lie” and fisticuffs on the Senate floor. A historic debate is underway as the Senate returned early from their New Year break when the blogsphere exploded with unsubstantiated accusations that an unnamed Senator from a western state read the entire 997 page Senate Health Insurance Makeover Bill. Satire1 gathered off the record statements from Senators from both parties and around the country.

“I’ve stated publicly and almost honestly that I haven’t read a single word of that mess but I was one of the five Senators in the hall who heard the Senator make the claim. I’ve known and worked with this Senator for sixteen years and quite frankly I was surprised to hear he could read.”

“If you don’t read it out loud it doesn’t count.”

“The first hundred pages are exciting because it threatens to suggest change. The second hundred pages are shameless pork and I could tell what the end was going to be before I read another twenty pages. A blowjob for the Insurers and a hand job for the insured.”

“We can’t get any concrete proposals from the medical community but it’s our own fault. If we want reform we should be recruiting medical students from reform schools.”

“You can’t tell anything about a Senate bill by reading it. It’s how it plays out in the real world that counts. Since this is a medical bill I demanded we give the text an MRI. Isn’t that the answer to everything these days.”

“Health Care makes me sick.”

Don Arrup
Satire1