Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thow The Bums Out Vote The Fools In
Turnover time.
Give me a rhyme
I know there ain’t no reason.
Rage yeah.
I’m pissed off too.
If you didn’t make millions in the last three years then you were getting screwed,
I think my dick’s getting smaller.
Recession.
Unemployment doesn’t mean there is less work.
It means less people are doing it and not getting paid more.
Bailout.
Who flooded the boat?
Who’s working the bucket and getting soaked?
Tea Party.
The Founding Fathers never agreed on what the Constitution meant.
Original intent? Of who?
Even today we are not as fractured as they were then.
But yelling’s American.
Reform.
We’re too broke to get into another war.
Two will have to do.
Loan sharks now explain how they’re screwing you.
Banks still gambol with your money.
Wall Street smiles like a skull with a cross bones tie.
So we’ve given the regulators more power to lie.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Give me a rhyme
I know there ain’t no reason.
Rage yeah.
I’m pissed off too.
If you didn’t make millions in the last three years then you were getting screwed,
I think my dick’s getting smaller.
Recession.
Unemployment doesn’t mean there is less work.
It means less people are doing it and not getting paid more.
Bailout.
Who flooded the boat?
Who’s working the bucket and getting soaked?
Tea Party.
The Founding Fathers never agreed on what the Constitution meant.
Original intent? Of who?
Even today we are not as fractured as they were then.
But yelling’s American.
Reform.
We’re too broke to get into another war.
Two will have to do.
Loan sharks now explain how they’re screwing you.
Banks still gambol with your money.
Wall Street smiles like a skull with a cross bones tie.
So we’ve given the regulators more power to lie.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, May 15, 2010
GOP Claims Kagen Didn't Put Out In High School
Among the rumors of lipstick lesbian liberalism and community activism haunting the nomination of Elena Kagan, Solicitor General of the United States, to become an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court new allegations referring back to her adolescent dating conduct have emerged.
“We went out three times in the spring of 1977 and I couldn’t get as much as a hand job,” said Hiram Pullman. “This in 1977 and on the Upper West Side of Manhattan! It’s only now that I realize that she must have been part of the early Taliban.”
“I took her to a movie and sprung for a Sumo burger at Big Nicks and never saw second base,” said Peiro Hubby, “What’s the point of going out with a liberal if you ain’t going to get some?”
“She wanted to talk is what I remember,” said Hobart Ponk. “About topics like personal values and relationships and it was the Seventies. I think she was trying to convert me to Communism.”
“Hunter College Whorehouse is what we used to call the Prep she attended,” said Makem Fish. “I went out with her one time and knew she was going to Princeton. Nobody gets laid there.”
“Death to pantsuits, “ said Noel Nuthing. “A woman’s legs are as beautiful as her face and though not nearly as expressive legs never lie.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“We went out three times in the spring of 1977 and I couldn’t get as much as a hand job,” said Hiram Pullman. “This in 1977 and on the Upper West Side of Manhattan! It’s only now that I realize that she must have been part of the early Taliban.”
“I took her to a movie and sprung for a Sumo burger at Big Nicks and never saw second base,” said Peiro Hubby, “What’s the point of going out with a liberal if you ain’t going to get some?”
“She wanted to talk is what I remember,” said Hobart Ponk. “About topics like personal values and relationships and it was the Seventies. I think she was trying to convert me to Communism.”
“Hunter College Whorehouse is what we used to call the Prep she attended,” said Makem Fish. “I went out with her one time and knew she was going to Princeton. Nobody gets laid there.”
“Death to pantsuits, “ said Noel Nuthing. “A woman’s legs are as beautiful as her face and though not nearly as expressive legs never lie.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Migration
In an emergency session Congress passed breakthrough Immigration legislation declaring oil from the Gulf of Mexico approaching our southern coastline an illegal migration. The bill President Obama immediately signed calls for the harshest punitive measures in federal criminal law. Oil crossing into our sovereign waters will be ignited and burnt into smoke. Outside our territorial coastline oil will be sucked up and brought back to explode in our engines, mold into plastic and make jelly. The rest will be dissolved by super solvents providing equal poison to three continents.
The Coast Guard, the Census Bureau and Obama’s secret shock army are rushing to the Gulf States to meet the invasion. British Petroleum in cahoots with Halliburton has sunk a concrete box the size of Brooklyn on the breach.
“We expect the Gulf to keep this shit to itself until we chose to take it,” said BP spokesman X. “When is the Earth going to realize that it is our tit to suck on as we please?” In responding to the dome’s projected eighty-five percent efficiency Mr. X said, “Sure, at least fifteen percent will leak out but that is still a hell of a lot better than the wall the U.S. put up against it’s Mexican boarder and it’s patrolled.”
Advocates for Oil Migration staged protests across the country. “This oil is what is left of the original life on this planet and if you wake it up it will spread out under the Sun.”
“I can’t eat shrimp anyway,” said X. “And in a hundred years this will all be forgotten.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
The Coast Guard, the Census Bureau and Obama’s secret shock army are rushing to the Gulf States to meet the invasion. British Petroleum in cahoots with Halliburton has sunk a concrete box the size of Brooklyn on the breach.
“We expect the Gulf to keep this shit to itself until we chose to take it,” said BP spokesman X. “When is the Earth going to realize that it is our tit to suck on as we please?” In responding to the dome’s projected eighty-five percent efficiency Mr. X said, “Sure, at least fifteen percent will leak out but that is still a hell of a lot better than the wall the U.S. put up against it’s Mexican boarder and it’s patrolled.”
Advocates for Oil Migration staged protests across the country. “This oil is what is left of the original life on this planet and if you wake it up it will spread out under the Sun.”
“I can’t eat shrimp anyway,” said X. “And in a hundred years this will all be forgotten.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Spill, Spill, Spill
On April 20th an explosion on an offshore oil rig killed 11 workers and has released an oil slick estimated to cover 3,850 square miles by the month’s end. Since British Petroleum owns the rig the problem is not seen as a concern for the United States except for the 20 million locals inconvenienced by the disaster. The well was capped by Halliburton, the giant multinational construction corporation that owns Iraq and Texas, which denies that former Vice President Dick Cheney was in any way involved.
In 2009, BP had issued an exploration and environmental impact analysis that suggested that any oil spill would have little impact to the coast and indeed the coast of England appears to be unaffected by the spillage. Still, it being an election year, Obama sent in the Coast Guard to take any and all measures deemed necessary to make sure the slick does not reach to the North Sea.
“Even though BP is not an American company I feel we should take some responsibility for oil drilled just 45 miles off our coastline.” Obama said. “As for the red states affected by this foreign disaster we’ll respect their desire to keep the federal government out of their affairs”
President Obama has issued a suspension of all off shore oil drilling until the safety of British coastlines can be assured. “If this spill destroys any of the marine life in England they won’t have their kippers and fish and chips. When I was visiting England that was the only food I could keep down.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
In 2009, BP had issued an exploration and environmental impact analysis that suggested that any oil spill would have little impact to the coast and indeed the coast of England appears to be unaffected by the spillage. Still, it being an election year, Obama sent in the Coast Guard to take any and all measures deemed necessary to make sure the slick does not reach to the North Sea.
“Even though BP is not an American company I feel we should take some responsibility for oil drilled just 45 miles off our coastline.” Obama said. “As for the red states affected by this foreign disaster we’ll respect their desire to keep the federal government out of their affairs”
President Obama has issued a suspension of all off shore oil drilling until the safety of British coastlines can be assured. “If this spill destroys any of the marine life in England they won’t have their kippers and fish and chips. When I was visiting England that was the only food I could keep down.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Transparency
In compliance with the new enforcement policy of the Securities and Exchange Commission we here at Goldman Sachs wish to reword some of our recent product proposals.
CHUMP FUND
Specifically designed by John Paulson president of the Up Your Shorts Hedge Fund to implode with the popping of the Housing Bubble. A perfect tax shelter for any individual or profit seeking institution that suffers the possibility of a higher tax bracket, Chump Fund promises to throw your money away hopefully in the direction of Mr. Paulson and Goldman Sachs.
GOLDMAN GAMBOL
Buy shares in Goldman Sachs where the value of your dollar is in our pocket. Go with the richest, most over compensated pirates in three-piece suits and be assured that as we gambol recklessly with your money and the nation’s economy the price of our executive’s shares can never go down.
BONER BONUSES
Cut out the middlemen and boring prospectuses and invest your money directly in our upper management’s bonus compensation program. You will be supporting the talented creators of the Great Recession and helping to keep our analysts off the high seas where our Navy can’t find them.
And remember the Goldman Sachs motto:
Never in the history of money has so much damage been done to so many by so few.
Don Arrup
Satire1
CHUMP FUND
Specifically designed by John Paulson president of the Up Your Shorts Hedge Fund to implode with the popping of the Housing Bubble. A perfect tax shelter for any individual or profit seeking institution that suffers the possibility of a higher tax bracket, Chump Fund promises to throw your money away hopefully in the direction of Mr. Paulson and Goldman Sachs.
GOLDMAN GAMBOL
Buy shares in Goldman Sachs where the value of your dollar is in our pocket. Go with the richest, most over compensated pirates in three-piece suits and be assured that as we gambol recklessly with your money and the nation’s economy the price of our executive’s shares can never go down.
BONER BONUSES
Cut out the middlemen and boring prospectuses and invest your money directly in our upper management’s bonus compensation program. You will be supporting the talented creators of the Great Recession and helping to keep our analysts off the high seas where our Navy can’t find them.
And remember the Goldman Sachs motto:
Never in the history of money has so much damage been done to so many by so few.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Grounded
Europe is grounded by second hand smoke
As Hell prepares the barbeques for a bumper crop
Of bankers, brokers, Monsanto and health care reformers.
Got to turn up the heat.
Global warming.
Carbon emissions probably don’t help
But considering the elbowing among those rushing for the bowels of Hell
Hell must be growing.
The immoral infrastructure of our world is being upgraded.
Brimstone had to be fetched from Mars and Pluto.
I’ll be damned.
I’ll be insured. I’ll be in debt, up Shit’s Creek, in the same boat,
I’ll be a volcano.
Right now I’m just smoking.
Don Arrup
Satire1
As Hell prepares the barbeques for a bumper crop
Of bankers, brokers, Monsanto and health care reformers.
Got to turn up the heat.
Global warming.
Carbon emissions probably don’t help
But considering the elbowing among those rushing for the bowels of Hell
Hell must be growing.
The immoral infrastructure of our world is being upgraded.
Brimstone had to be fetched from Mars and Pluto.
I’ll be damned.
I’ll be insured. I’ll be in debt, up Shit’s Creek, in the same boat,
I’ll be a volcano.
Right now I’m just smoking.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Reject List For Judge Stevens Replacement
Supreme Court Justice Paul Stevens was the conservative centerist choice of President Gerald Ford. By the time he announced his retirement this week he was considered the liberal lion. After the recent bipartisan honeymoon called Health Care Reform conflict is likely to return over confirmation of his replacement.
Republicans will veto:
Moses- too Jewish. Immigrant. 2cd billing in the Koran. No beards.
Jesus Christ- too liberal. Incites class warfare and too concerned with poor and outcasts.
Abraham Lincoln- big spender. Poured half the economy into a hopeless war. Never popular in South and Anti-States Rights. Willing to extend citizenship to people who labor underpaid and without rights at shit jobs. Taxed everything that moved.
Thomas Jefferson- too gay. Speaks perfect French and was only Founding Father besides Washington who didn’t look ridiculous in knee britches.
Al Gore- too green.
Hilary Clinton- too Clinton.
John Stewart- too honest.
Democrats will veto:
Moses-Applies Death Penalty to misdemeanors. Not a lawyer.
Jesus Christ- too conservative. Spiritual leader of Pro Life Movement though views on abortion have never been recorded. Also not a lawyer.
Abraham Lincoln- too fascist. Suspended Habis Corpus and instituted first military conscription just after war lost public support.
Thomas Jefferson- too States Rights.
Al Gore- too Al Gore.
Hilary Clinton- enough Clinton!
John Stewart- too funny. They’ve got Biden for laughs.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Republicans will veto:
Moses- too Jewish. Immigrant. 2cd billing in the Koran. No beards.
Jesus Christ- too liberal. Incites class warfare and too concerned with poor and outcasts.
Abraham Lincoln- big spender. Poured half the economy into a hopeless war. Never popular in South and Anti-States Rights. Willing to extend citizenship to people who labor underpaid and without rights at shit jobs. Taxed everything that moved.
Thomas Jefferson- too gay. Speaks perfect French and was only Founding Father besides Washington who didn’t look ridiculous in knee britches.
Al Gore- too green.
Hilary Clinton- too Clinton.
John Stewart- too honest.
Democrats will veto:
Moses-Applies Death Penalty to misdemeanors. Not a lawyer.
Jesus Christ- too conservative. Spiritual leader of Pro Life Movement though views on abortion have never been recorded. Also not a lawyer.
Abraham Lincoln- too fascist. Suspended Habis Corpus and instituted first military conscription just after war lost public support.
Thomas Jefferson- too States Rights.
Al Gore- too Al Gore.
Hilary Clinton- enough Clinton!
John Stewart- too funny. They’ve got Biden for laughs.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, April 3, 2010
April Fool Ten
GM granted patent on the wheel.
Sophia Loren’s patent on cleavage reinstated.
Poland Spring and Budweiser still contesting water.
When did God go broke? When did Nature cash out? How much does it cost to go to Heaven? I won’t even ask about Hell but I know Madoff qualified.
We used to split hairs. Then we split the atom. Now we dice our chromosomes. What next?
When is somebody going to create a new color? Purple is just a bitch between red and blue. Green is a lie.
I wake up scared and go to bed screaming and my bills are paid.
If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times where the hell is he now?
Europeans To Create New Universe With Supercollider
Though it will be much smaller than the Universe we live in scientists hope to engineer their Not So Big Bang to evolve into a manageable sized universe without some of the plagues of our existence.
“Imagine a world without disease, taxes or pop up ads. And if you want a human race without lawyers, bankers and game show hosts you basically have to start over.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
*Satire1 celebrates its third year of weekly attempts to make sense of the nonsense we endure.
Sophia Loren’s patent on cleavage reinstated.
Poland Spring and Budweiser still contesting water.
When did God go broke? When did Nature cash out? How much does it cost to go to Heaven? I won’t even ask about Hell but I know Madoff qualified.
We used to split hairs. Then we split the atom. Now we dice our chromosomes. What next?
When is somebody going to create a new color? Purple is just a bitch between red and blue. Green is a lie.
I wake up scared and go to bed screaming and my bills are paid.
If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times where the hell is he now?
Europeans To Create New Universe With Supercollider
Though it will be much smaller than the Universe we live in scientists hope to engineer their Not So Big Bang to evolve into a manageable sized universe without some of the plagues of our existence.
“Imagine a world without disease, taxes or pop up ads. And if you want a human race without lawyers, bankers and game show hosts you basically have to start over.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
*Satire1 celebrates its third year of weekly attempts to make sense of the nonsense we endure.
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