The search for a female Viagra or Pink Viagra is sparking debate in the headlines again. Can a pill give the girls a thrill? Probably not. Certainly the pharmaceutical companies can increase blood flow to the pelvic area even concentrating it on the clitoris but that was never the problem.
In the pharmacopeias of Traditional Chinese Medicine male desire and performance has dozens of herbs to assist: deer horn, centipede, animal testes, horny goat weed and lamb to mention just a few. The sole female enhancer is Tibetan Saffron of which no one seems to bother to make extract vials or capsules you can buy at a convenience store. The number of Chinese alone testifies to their knowledge of sex.
So right now credit cards remain the most potent female aphrodisiac. Indeed, as a bald economist I speculate that the entire economy of the developed world would collapse if seduction could be concentrated into a pill. The only restaurants remaining would be fast food. Who would need a Porsche or a Cadillac? The gem trade would disappear. Movies would have to find real stories and most music would be patriotic. Chocolate would be for kids and fashion would conform to human comfort and functionality.
No one wants to live in a world like that. So for those with money splurge. For those with few bucks I’m afraid expenditures in consideration, patience and caring will have to continue into the fuckable future.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Dependence Day
President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio spot.
“Today, July 3rd 2010, marks another celebration of our dependence on the foreign governments and investors to keep afloat our unsustainable way of life as Americans. From the under priced goods from Asia’s sweatshops to the blind lending of the Chinese and Japanese governments our bounty is assured.”
“Tomorrow, we will celebrate Independence Day and indeed for a century or two we were independent but that is long gone now. Still, it is fitting to remember that Americans were at one time willing to buy goods made by Americans- even cars. American companies exploited our resources rather than British Petroleum. Hollywood movies weren’t made in Canada. And almost no one played soccer.”
"We should also remember that we once harvested our own food, mowed our own lawns, built our own homes and raised our own children. Now, with new immigration legislation in sight we can seal the borders, deport millions and decimate half our industries."
“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln would have been proud of us in 1966. Now we remember Chairman Mao and Tojo as our forefathers. We had won World War Two for decades and the Cold War for over ten years but we sold those victories to cover our debts. Long live the People’s Republic of America in the Greater Global Co-Prosperity Sphere.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Today, July 3rd 2010, marks another celebration of our dependence on the foreign governments and investors to keep afloat our unsustainable way of life as Americans. From the under priced goods from Asia’s sweatshops to the blind lending of the Chinese and Japanese governments our bounty is assured.”
“Tomorrow, we will celebrate Independence Day and indeed for a century or two we were independent but that is long gone now. Still, it is fitting to remember that Americans were at one time willing to buy goods made by Americans- even cars. American companies exploited our resources rather than British Petroleum. Hollywood movies weren’t made in Canada. And almost no one played soccer.”
"We should also remember that we once harvested our own food, mowed our own lawns, built our own homes and raised our own children. Now, with new immigration legislation in sight we can seal the borders, deport millions and decimate half our industries."
“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln would have been proud of us in 1966. Now we remember Chairman Mao and Tojo as our forefathers. We had won World War Two for decades and the Cold War for over ten years but we sold those victories to cover our debts. Long live the People’s Republic of America in the Greater Global Co-Prosperity Sphere.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, June 26, 2010
BP Finally Plugs CEO's Hole
After weeks of baffling statements, gaffs and unintended insults the experts at British Petroleum have finally managed to shut the mouth of the oil giant’s CEO Tony Hayward but the public relations disaster following the environmental disaster is likely to continue for decades to come.
The “very very modest” ecological impact Hayward predicted had to be based on his Fantasy Island estimates of the extent of the spill. And while midgets and dwarfs throughout the Gulf States appreciated being remembered by the executive the common folk of the region reacted sharply to his use of the term “little people.”
“I think he had the Gulf mixed up with Ireland and was referring to the Wee People or Leprechauns who often bury their pots of gold by the coasts,” said Mantrix Haben, one of the public relations execs credited with plugging Hayward’s hole. “And his statement about holding yacht races on the Gulf because the slick would make for a faster run was not well thought out.”
Vice President Joe Biden sympathized with Hayward. “No one quotes the brilliant things you say but one slip up can spread faster and stick longer than the oil slick in the Gulf.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
The “very very modest” ecological impact Hayward predicted had to be based on his Fantasy Island estimates of the extent of the spill. And while midgets and dwarfs throughout the Gulf States appreciated being remembered by the executive the common folk of the region reacted sharply to his use of the term “little people.”
“I think he had the Gulf mixed up with Ireland and was referring to the Wee People or Leprechauns who often bury their pots of gold by the coasts,” said Mantrix Haben, one of the public relations execs credited with plugging Hayward’s hole. “And his statement about holding yacht races on the Gulf because the slick would make for a faster run was not well thought out.”
Vice President Joe Biden sympathized with Hayward. “No one quotes the brilliant things you say but one slip up can spread faster and stick longer than the oil slick in the Gulf.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Border States & Drug Cartels Overthrow Mexico
In a stunning military and diplomaniac reversal US Border States succeed from the Union to help overthrow the United States of Mexico. California, Texas and Arizona join with the Drug and Oil Cartels to form a new mobacracy on the Southern Border. Mexican President Felipe Calderon signed the unconditional surrender yesterday dissolving the Mexican Revolutionary government that has ruled almost democratically since the 1917 Revolution.
Fighting continues on US Army and Navel bases across the southwest with San Diego’s navel base still holding out when last reported. Twelve US Senators and eighty-four Congressmen were summarily executed for treason and a lousy Health Care Bill at dawn as federal agencies and the Pentagon scour their ranks for rebels.
Rush Limbaugh admits that the Gulf oil spill was probably not the sabotage of Green Activists but of Texas Rangers seeking to continue the chaos in the Gulf region as the country became used to New Orleans being a f-ing mess. “It’s possible it wasn’t four eggheads with goatees who caused the Gulf disaster after all,” said Rush. “It’s just that every time I visit four miles below the floor of the ocean there is always someone there wearing a t shirt.”
Israel and Monaco joined the US in declaring war on the newly formed Grande Tio States while England, China and the European Union deliberate on alternative sources of barbeque sauce.
The new government is said to be writing a constitution that guarantees all the freedoms taken from Americans in the last century. “You can smoke anything you want anywhere and shoot anyone who looks at you,” said Popeye Fifi, who as the only major gangster who is bilingual has taken on extraordinary powers in the new hideout. “All private property is protected by superior firepower and an equitable extortion rate will replace tyrannous taxation. Anyone who gets seriously ill will be put out of their misery at little cost to the hood and since almost no one will survive to old age there is no need for a social security system. “
“Our constitution will guarantee freedom from lawyers and insurance salesmen along with a complete dissolution of all regulations. It’s not let the buyer beware but the buyer is armed. All disputes will be handled in a hail of bullets and may the best thug survive.”
Hailed as a Libertarian paradise on the Wall Street Journal’s front page until Obama’s secret army smashed the presses and liquidated the editorial staff the Grande Tio States are already petitioning the International Olympic Committee for a Tucson Games. “We’re still debating whether to introduce nude volleyball or mud wrestling to the events.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Fighting continues on US Army and Navel bases across the southwest with San Diego’s navel base still holding out when last reported. Twelve US Senators and eighty-four Congressmen were summarily executed for treason and a lousy Health Care Bill at dawn as federal agencies and the Pentagon scour their ranks for rebels.
Rush Limbaugh admits that the Gulf oil spill was probably not the sabotage of Green Activists but of Texas Rangers seeking to continue the chaos in the Gulf region as the country became used to New Orleans being a f-ing mess. “It’s possible it wasn’t four eggheads with goatees who caused the Gulf disaster after all,” said Rush. “It’s just that every time I visit four miles below the floor of the ocean there is always someone there wearing a t shirt.”
Israel and Monaco joined the US in declaring war on the newly formed Grande Tio States while England, China and the European Union deliberate on alternative sources of barbeque sauce.
The new government is said to be writing a constitution that guarantees all the freedoms taken from Americans in the last century. “You can smoke anything you want anywhere and shoot anyone who looks at you,” said Popeye Fifi, who as the only major gangster who is bilingual has taken on extraordinary powers in the new hideout. “All private property is protected by superior firepower and an equitable extortion rate will replace tyrannous taxation. Anyone who gets seriously ill will be put out of their misery at little cost to the hood and since almost no one will survive to old age there is no need for a social security system. “
“Our constitution will guarantee freedom from lawyers and insurance salesmen along with a complete dissolution of all regulations. It’s not let the buyer beware but the buyer is armed. All disputes will be handled in a hail of bullets and may the best thug survive.”
Hailed as a Libertarian paradise on the Wall Street Journal’s front page until Obama’s secret army smashed the presses and liquidated the editorial staff the Grande Tio States are already petitioning the International Olympic Committee for a Tucson Games. “We’re still debating whether to introduce nude volleyball or mud wrestling to the events.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 31, 2010
In Memoriam
Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thow The Bums Out Vote The Fools In
Turnover time.
Give me a rhyme
I know there ain’t no reason.
Rage yeah.
I’m pissed off too.
If you didn’t make millions in the last three years then you were getting screwed,
I think my dick’s getting smaller.
Recession.
Unemployment doesn’t mean there is less work.
It means less people are doing it and not getting paid more.
Bailout.
Who flooded the boat?
Who’s working the bucket and getting soaked?
Tea Party.
The Founding Fathers never agreed on what the Constitution meant.
Original intent? Of who?
Even today we are not as fractured as they were then.
But yelling’s American.
Reform.
We’re too broke to get into another war.
Two will have to do.
Loan sharks now explain how they’re screwing you.
Banks still gambol with your money.
Wall Street smiles like a skull with a cross bones tie.
So we’ve given the regulators more power to lie.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Give me a rhyme
I know there ain’t no reason.
Rage yeah.
I’m pissed off too.
If you didn’t make millions in the last three years then you were getting screwed,
I think my dick’s getting smaller.
Recession.
Unemployment doesn’t mean there is less work.
It means less people are doing it and not getting paid more.
Bailout.
Who flooded the boat?
Who’s working the bucket and getting soaked?
Tea Party.
The Founding Fathers never agreed on what the Constitution meant.
Original intent? Of who?
Even today we are not as fractured as they were then.
But yelling’s American.
Reform.
We’re too broke to get into another war.
Two will have to do.
Loan sharks now explain how they’re screwing you.
Banks still gambol with your money.
Wall Street smiles like a skull with a cross bones tie.
So we’ve given the regulators more power to lie.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, May 15, 2010
GOP Claims Kagen Didn't Put Out In High School
Among the rumors of lipstick lesbian liberalism and community activism haunting the nomination of Elena Kagan, Solicitor General of the United States, to become an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court new allegations referring back to her adolescent dating conduct have emerged.
“We went out three times in the spring of 1977 and I couldn’t get as much as a hand job,” said Hiram Pullman. “This in 1977 and on the Upper West Side of Manhattan! It’s only now that I realize that she must have been part of the early Taliban.”
“I took her to a movie and sprung for a Sumo burger at Big Nicks and never saw second base,” said Peiro Hubby, “What’s the point of going out with a liberal if you ain’t going to get some?”
“She wanted to talk is what I remember,” said Hobart Ponk. “About topics like personal values and relationships and it was the Seventies. I think she was trying to convert me to Communism.”
“Hunter College Whorehouse is what we used to call the Prep she attended,” said Makem Fish. “I went out with her one time and knew she was going to Princeton. Nobody gets laid there.”
“Death to pantsuits, “ said Noel Nuthing. “A woman’s legs are as beautiful as her face and though not nearly as expressive legs never lie.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“We went out three times in the spring of 1977 and I couldn’t get as much as a hand job,” said Hiram Pullman. “This in 1977 and on the Upper West Side of Manhattan! It’s only now that I realize that she must have been part of the early Taliban.”
“I took her to a movie and sprung for a Sumo burger at Big Nicks and never saw second base,” said Peiro Hubby, “What’s the point of going out with a liberal if you ain’t going to get some?”
“She wanted to talk is what I remember,” said Hobart Ponk. “About topics like personal values and relationships and it was the Seventies. I think she was trying to convert me to Communism.”
“Hunter College Whorehouse is what we used to call the Prep she attended,” said Makem Fish. “I went out with her one time and knew she was going to Princeton. Nobody gets laid there.”
“Death to pantsuits, “ said Noel Nuthing. “A woman’s legs are as beautiful as her face and though not nearly as expressive legs never lie.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Migration
In an emergency session Congress passed breakthrough Immigration legislation declaring oil from the Gulf of Mexico approaching our southern coastline an illegal migration. The bill President Obama immediately signed calls for the harshest punitive measures in federal criminal law. Oil crossing into our sovereign waters will be ignited and burnt into smoke. Outside our territorial coastline oil will be sucked up and brought back to explode in our engines, mold into plastic and make jelly. The rest will be dissolved by super solvents providing equal poison to three continents.
The Coast Guard, the Census Bureau and Obama’s secret shock army are rushing to the Gulf States to meet the invasion. British Petroleum in cahoots with Halliburton has sunk a concrete box the size of Brooklyn on the breach.
“We expect the Gulf to keep this shit to itself until we chose to take it,” said BP spokesman X. “When is the Earth going to realize that it is our tit to suck on as we please?” In responding to the dome’s projected eighty-five percent efficiency Mr. X said, “Sure, at least fifteen percent will leak out but that is still a hell of a lot better than the wall the U.S. put up against it’s Mexican boarder and it’s patrolled.”
Advocates for Oil Migration staged protests across the country. “This oil is what is left of the original life on this planet and if you wake it up it will spread out under the Sun.”
“I can’t eat shrimp anyway,” said X. “And in a hundred years this will all be forgotten.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
The Coast Guard, the Census Bureau and Obama’s secret shock army are rushing to the Gulf States to meet the invasion. British Petroleum in cahoots with Halliburton has sunk a concrete box the size of Brooklyn on the breach.
“We expect the Gulf to keep this shit to itself until we chose to take it,” said BP spokesman X. “When is the Earth going to realize that it is our tit to suck on as we please?” In responding to the dome’s projected eighty-five percent efficiency Mr. X said, “Sure, at least fifteen percent will leak out but that is still a hell of a lot better than the wall the U.S. put up against it’s Mexican boarder and it’s patrolled.”
Advocates for Oil Migration staged protests across the country. “This oil is what is left of the original life on this planet and if you wake it up it will spread out under the Sun.”
“I can’t eat shrimp anyway,” said X. “And in a hundred years this will all be forgotten.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Spill, Spill, Spill
On April 20th an explosion on an offshore oil rig killed 11 workers and has released an oil slick estimated to cover 3,850 square miles by the month’s end. Since British Petroleum owns the rig the problem is not seen as a concern for the United States except for the 20 million locals inconvenienced by the disaster. The well was capped by Halliburton, the giant multinational construction corporation that owns Iraq and Texas, which denies that former Vice President Dick Cheney was in any way involved.
In 2009, BP had issued an exploration and environmental impact analysis that suggested that any oil spill would have little impact to the coast and indeed the coast of England appears to be unaffected by the spillage. Still, it being an election year, Obama sent in the Coast Guard to take any and all measures deemed necessary to make sure the slick does not reach to the North Sea.
“Even though BP is not an American company I feel we should take some responsibility for oil drilled just 45 miles off our coastline.” Obama said. “As for the red states affected by this foreign disaster we’ll respect their desire to keep the federal government out of their affairs”
President Obama has issued a suspension of all off shore oil drilling until the safety of British coastlines can be assured. “If this spill destroys any of the marine life in England they won’t have their kippers and fish and chips. When I was visiting England that was the only food I could keep down.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
In 2009, BP had issued an exploration and environmental impact analysis that suggested that any oil spill would have little impact to the coast and indeed the coast of England appears to be unaffected by the spillage. Still, it being an election year, Obama sent in the Coast Guard to take any and all measures deemed necessary to make sure the slick does not reach to the North Sea.
“Even though BP is not an American company I feel we should take some responsibility for oil drilled just 45 miles off our coastline.” Obama said. “As for the red states affected by this foreign disaster we’ll respect their desire to keep the federal government out of their affairs”
President Obama has issued a suspension of all off shore oil drilling until the safety of British coastlines can be assured. “If this spill destroys any of the marine life in England they won’t have their kippers and fish and chips. When I was visiting England that was the only food I could keep down.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
