O'Bama

President O'Bama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on Saint Patrick's Day.

"My fellow Irish Americans. I want to extend to you from all the O'Bamas our wishes for you to have an intoxicated and embattled Saint Patrick's Day. I know that the country continues to struggle. We are still spilling American blood in distant deserts while those they left behind lose their homes while their children face ever shrinking prospects and massive student debt."

"But there is pot of oil at the end of the rainbow if only we could find the rainbow. The ornery leprechaun banker that guards it will be prosecuted and I guarantee that his wrist will be slapped for trashing our economy and destroying our future."

"Until then, let us continue to prod our dead horse economy by the spending of the green, green technology dreams, kissing the Boehner stone and furious fisticuffs over every detail of the budget as if any legislation could spare us from becoming the Ireland of Americas."

Don O'Arrup

Satire1

Daylight Spending

President Obama addressed the nation during his weekly radio address.

"My fellow Americans, you are all aware of the differences of opinion between myself and the Republicans as to how to address the deficit. Our unwillingness to compromise is endangering our immediate economic future and that for generations to come."

"Last week I proposed suspending the return to Daylight Savings Time and ushering in a new era where every American has more hours- two more hours if my full proposal is passed- every year to work, worship or spend with their families. I asked Congress to not only suspend the hour jump yesterday but to actually turn the clock back an hour again making it Spring Back, Fall Back."

"I am sorry to say that it appears my proposal was dead on arrival in the Republican controlled House of Representatives before my Director of the Four Dimensions was given a hearing on the costs and benefits of this change."

"Now I'm not going to lie to you. There will be some expenditures involved in adding a hour in both the Autumn and Spring. Since the additional hours are added early Sunday morning only federal employees working the weekend will be making an additional two hours wages. The atomic clocks controlled by our military will have to be reprogramed and prisoners will have additional hours of incarceration but they can't vote anyway so screw them."

"The Surgeon General has assured me that a large portion of the American people are suffering from sleep deprivation from working more than one job, trying to balance work and the needs of the family and the vast universe of free pornography available on the internet. Another precious hour of sleep right at the peak of our busiest times of the year could mean the difference between crashing your car and getting safely to work on time; reviewing that last chapter before midterms at the Community College you snobbed your way into or simply getting the nookie you need to think straight before facing a long week of work."

"I am sorry to say that my Republican colleagues once again were unwilling to consider another one of my brilliant ideas simply because they feared its passage would make me look good in an election year. So if at any time between now and November you find yourself short of time you know that the fault lies not with you but with Republicans controlling the House of Representatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

You're Right And I'm Righter

Satire1 hosted a round table of the top four Republican Presidential hopefuls to discover who was the real conservative. The candidates were handed a list of controversial changes and asked which ones they would repeal if given the power.

WOULD YOU REPEAL

Gay Marriage

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man marrying a lesbian.

Santi

Homosexuality is a sin but in the spirit of toleration I will accept their votes.

Newt

We're not ancient Athens.

Ronpaw

The government has no business telling you who you can and can not marry. Just don't get too hillbilly.

ORomaCare

Ronpaw

I don't want to pay anyone else's doctor. I don't even want to pay mine. And I'm a doctor.

Santi

Obama is forcing Catholic women to get abortions and inseminating urban teenagers.

Newt

What we need in this country is affordable and profitable care that you don't have to wait half the day for. What we need is McHealthCare.

Mitt

Obama and his moll Pelosi took what was a perfectly conservative local action and liberalled it all up with mandates and single payer and uhh let me rephrase that.

Roe vs Wade

RonPaw

I don't believe in health care for men. In my forty years as an obstetrician I never saw a male patient and other doctors told me that even if you do they don't listen to you anyway.

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man married to a lesbian having a baby.

Gingrich

We're not ancient Sparta where you throw babies you don't want off a cliff.

Santi

Look, when Eve bit that apple that was a contract.

Brown vs The Board of Education

Ronpaw

I'm not a lawyer or a historian but I know what we ended up with- equal and shitty.

Mitt

Every American child deserves the best education that doesn't cost money.

Gingrich

America was the first county to have public education. We invented it here. It was local and taught the skills that children needed to become good citizens. And whatever the others say on education I'm to the right of them.

Santi

The radical atheist union brainwashing establishment has been filling our children's heads with myths like evolution and gravity long enough.

Social Security

Ronpaw

The New Deal generation that created this Ponzi scheme is finally dying off. The Boomers are in for a surprise and our children know it won't be there for them.

Mitt

Anyone who is currently living off of Social Security has nothing to fear. Everyone else has nothing to expect.

Ging

The Social Security System was never designed to be the a retired individual's main source of income. And the fact that your house is worth as much as an outhouse was in 2007 complicates things.

Santi

If God wanted us to be secure in our later years he wouldn't have invented old age.

Women's Suffrage

Ging

The Declaration of Independence states that we believe that all men are created equal. Well no on in their right mind believes that but I will say this-I respect women's unique problems and needs and I buy my wife jewelry.

Ronpaw

At least half the men I know just do what their wife tells them so I don't see what difference it makes who goes in the booth.

Mitt

That was the women a hundred years ago with the big hats?

Santi

I already told you about Eve and if you're Catholic or Mormon I guess it was Pandora for you.

Emancipation

Ronpaw

If you believe this is a free country and respect the right to private property I don't know what business it is of the government's if you own another human being. Most of our Founding Fathers did.

Santi

Many of the people in the Bible were slaves at one point or another and it didn't stop them from becoming famous.

Ging

The Republican Party was founded as the party of Emancipation but now we've come full circle and believe in state's rights.

Mitt

I don't believe in reestablishing slavery in America especially when it is so much cheaper to rent them in China.

Steve Jobs proved that the outsourcing of slavery just makes better economic sense.

Second Amendment

Ronpaw

I think it is clear enough. If you are a militia you can shoot anybody you want.

Ging

When the Constitution was written pistols, rifles and cannons were all single load. Now that we have automatic weapons and nuclear arms the liberals want to regulate them.

Santi

Our Founding Fathers promoted individual gun ownership to avoid creating a large standing army to deal with the Native Americans. Now, after three decades of Invasion Immigration the Native Americans who infiltrate our borders have created drug gangs and salsa bands.

Mitt

I'm opposed to the current regulations placed on our God given and Constitutional right to bear arms. Take paranoid schizophrenics. Nobody has more enemies than they do and yet the liberals don't want to sell them a gun.

The Constitution

Ging

The Constitution was written by rich men to consolidate the power of rich men and protect the property of rich men which included human beings. It was not originally what anyone today would think of as a democratic document. The Electoral College and provision of State's Rights were included to protect slavery and were never repealed. Now there have been some changes by way of amendments that have made the Constitution a little more democratic but if I am elected president I will only appoint conservative strict constructionist judges who will intuit the reasoning of our long dead forefathers and bring America back to the plutocracy it was created to be.

Ronpaw

I don't know what all you lawyers and historians mean when you talk about the Founding Fathers intent as if they were somehow of one mind because that just wasn't the case. Most of them hated each other more than they did King George and some of them killed each other when they got a chance.

Mitt

I think America functioned much better under the original Articles of Confederation.

Santi

I don't believe any document written by human beings has the power to tell human beings to go against what my God has told them to do.

Magna Carta

Ging

Over seven centuries ago the British people demanded a recognition of their rights from their King. Okay, it was the British barons but it was the first step.

Ronpaw

I think the Magna Carter was exactly the wrong thing for the common people of England to do at that time or any time. Instead of asking somebody to recognize their rights they should have just stopped recognizing their oppressor's authority.

Mitt

Being a Mormon I don't drink very often but I do like the big bottles of champagne.

Santi

Is this Jimmy Cater's wife we're talking about?

Creation

Mitt

If I'm elected God I will clean away this mess and recreate the heavens and the Earth in less time then my predecessor. Four days tops.

Ging

Three!

Santi

I thought Carter's wife was named Rose Ann. After he left office she got her own sitcom.

Ronpaw

We're in full agreement that creation has long run out its course. The drug epidemic we won't survive is the cell phone. Its a microwave antenna people are pressing against their face to listen to little electronic chatter that sounds like people they think they know. Its a brain virus. So I'd wipe the slate clean and then get rid of the slate. I go. Everything goes. I'd only leave gold behind.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Anybody But Mitt

Former Governor Mitt Romney on the campaign trail

"I think if there is one word that describes me it would have to be conservative. I am a true conservative, have conservative values, governed the Commonwealth of Massachusetts conservatively, have lots of kids, same wife. religious and filthy rich. Now if that doesn't spell conservative I don't know what does. Almost everyone thinks I'm conservative. Very conservative. The only people who don't think I'm a conservative are the conservatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Belated Valentines

To Newt Gingrich from Mitt Romney

I love your big pants and reporter spanking charm

Your sordid marriages and spiteful ex

You really did no harm

And though we fought and spat

On our debate dates

Throughout the year

Soon we'll be dancing together

Kicking Obama's rear

To Mitt Romney from the poor

It wasn't news to us

That we had lost your love

You've fallen for the Mad Hatters

And their libertarian lust

But your heart is not so free

No matter what you say

And on your knees you'll beg

Come next Election Day

To Dictator Assad from "his people"

You murdered us outside our Mosques

Each Friday since the Spring

You bully us just like your father

As to your throne you cling

And though your tanks still trample

And your helicopters spray

There are not enough bullets in all the world

To make us go away

To President Obama from the American Catholic Church

A sticky fight

When it comes to rights

And for each act we must pay

You sided with women

Against our boss

November is Judgement Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

Poor

In response to Republican Primary frontrunner Mitt Romney's statement that he doesn't care about the poor Satire1 spoke to the other candidates in this year's presidential election circus on their thoughts on the subject.

Mitt Romney

"First of all let me get the record straight as to what I said that caused so much controversy. The liberal media has misquoted me by snatching a sound bite and editing it to embarrass me and try and keep my nomination competitive. What I actually said was I don't give a shit about the poor because they don't vote, there is a safety net called prison to catch them and then they can never vote and I'll build enough prisons to make sure that there is a roof over every Americans head and a hot meal to nourish them."

Newt Gingrich

"I let my record as Speaker of the House speak for me concerning the plight of impoverished Americans. I have never and will never care about America's poor. That is why I ended welfare. As a candidate I called Obama the food stamps president and assured the American people that those down on their luck will starve when I become president. There will be plenty of positions open in our armed forces once I get us into war with Iran and the Moon for those who will grasp the opportunity and I know for a fact that at least some of the millions former governor Romney pays in extortion to the Mormon Church is going towards the poor. "

Rick Santorum

"I don't think it is the government's role to interfere with God's plan. Jesus said the least among us belonged to him and that they will inherit the earth after the rich have stripped it of every mineral and nutrient. The federal government's anti-poverty programs are anti-christian and inviting the undereducated masses to damnation through material comfort."

Congressman Ron Paul (the only one with a job)

"I don't know who Mitt Romney is talking about when he talks about the poor because that is just about everybody except for the handful of suits he belongs to who have been erecting this giant ponzi scheme and calling it an economy. If you're an American you are broke because the country is broke, the currency is worthless, dollar bills are just IOUs to the Chinese and if you think you own a house you better think again because that house owns you and hopefully it provides some privacy and protection from the elements because the only thing increasing faster than property taxes will be the interest rate on its mortgage and the decline in its value."

President Obama

"I'm tired of listening to my critics accuse me of caring for the poor and I challenge them to point to one thing I've done as president to ease their plight. Everything I've done since taking office has been to preserve the middle class and try and keep them from joining the poor. My expansion of the food stamps program is welfare but it is corporate welfare preserving the profits of General Mills and the American Meat Association. Just as my health care bill is designed to protect not the health of the American people but the health insurance industry. The extension of unemployment benefits rescued breweries and distilleries both local and national in danger of losing customers."

"Even back in my community organizing days I was caroling bodies to the voting booths to keep the same ham handed politicians who scream and holler for the conservative media while collecting their envelopes in office. I don't see how any reasonable citizen could mistake such shameless manipulation as caring."

"The American people are a generous and caring people as long as it doesn't cost us anything. In good times and bubbles we believe that anyone who works hard at school and isn't killed by drug gangs has a chance to make something of themselves. In hard times we believe that anyone who is poor is stupid and lazy and might as well join a drug gang."

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Devil And Bill Parcells

Bill. Coached the Black Nights till offered the throne of the fly boys who he flew to national prominence. Pros beckoned. Made the Giants giant again and again then went to hell to the Was Boston Patriots owned by Kraft. Always Bill took Billy with him. Even after he got the beantown boys to the big time and blew back to the Apple to fuel the lowly Jets. Jersey Boy Bill found comfort in Gang Green and retired to an office trusting Billy to keep the Jets soaring. But Billy blew back to Bosstown and has been nothing but trouble since.

Bill went Cowboy for a while while Billy embraced Bad Boy Brady. Bill finally retired for good to his Jersey hood but Billy is back and up to no good.

Purple Birds. Our hope lied in them. The ravenous Ravens had the Pats down pat but for a toe of a sky snatcher and the guy who foots pigskins. The ray of light and Lewis that reached the field from the angry heavens was gone. He's off to Hawaii with the other fallen.

So now only the Giants stand in the way. Can Big Blue save the day?

Grabbing Gronkowski has a bit of a gimp but flanker spanker Wes still rides the wind like Mercury through defenses puzzled and muzzled by Billy and Brady's flying circus. Let the blitz begin.

Not since 1940 when England stood alone against the onslaught of evil has the fate of so many fans fallen into the hands of so few. What is G coach Coughlin to do?

Pound the rock. Even as B&B rack up the score. Hit and block. Make their shoulders sore. Brad Jack and Shaw must carry the day and ball till late in the first half they begin to crack the New England oyster. Let the play action begin. Then Cruz will cruise, Manningham will be the man and ole Saint Nicks will move the sticks. The thin Blue line of Osi, Canty, Tuck and lucky Pierre must allow no time for Brady to air.

Eli's coming. Top tier or no the score will show. In the final minutes it will fall into his hand. Strike up the band.

Duane Charles Parcells and Billy Belichick created this mess. Their coaching promiscuity, broken contracts and exchanged draft picks allowed an evil dynasty to fester in the far northeast. Now New York must kill the beast once and for all so that heavens light might once again fall on America's beloved game of football.

Go Giants.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Open Marriage

Fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls responded to the allegations of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's ex wife that he had proposed an open marriage.

Rick Santorum

"I believe in closed marriages. I never got any except when my wife was ovulating and that includes Christmas and Valentine's Day so I know what it is like to struggle in this country. It is commonly agreed among theologians that sex is portrayed as original sin in the Bible and should be treated as a necessary evil to continue the human race and sell them cars and beer."

"My only open relationship is with God and the fat cats funding my campaign."

Ron Paul

"Excuse me but I don't think candidate's sex life or the sex life of any elected official is anyone's business but their own. If the governor or president isn't having his needs met in office or in his relationship he should be free to contract a blowjob or quickie with a professional so he or she can get on with their lives and job. The Republican Party is supposed to be about getting the government off the backs of the people and out of their pockets and here we are with both hands in Mr. Gingrich's pockets just sort of feeling around to see which of his nuts is bigger."

"Since CNN has decided that it is the Playboy news channel maybe we should just stop all this endless debating and pull up that table you reporters are sitting behind and have each of the candidates just pull it out and let the American people decide who is the bigger man."

Newt Gingrich

"You wouldn't want to do that in the general election, Congressman Paul. President Obama is from Hawaii."

Mitt Romney

"You're all missing the whole point. As the pre-ordained nominee predicted in the Book Of Mormon let me put the American people at ease. I and my six wives have always held ourselves to the strictest interpretation of monogamy. A monogamy not just of the body but of the spirit.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Food Stamp Prez

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke to Satire1 after calling President Obama "the food stamp president."

"I don't know how in a country that only grows one quarter of the world's food supply and throws away enough food everyday to feed the world people can expect there not to be hunger. Obama wants to feed them while I say that hunger is the primary motivation for people to educate and empower themselves. Hunger is even more powerful than greed. Besides, few of the hungry, especially those of color, will ever vote Republican and with their growing numbers if we want to retain the character of this country the best way is to starve them off the voting rolls."

"Obama is the food stamp president. I want to be starvation president. I won't even have to campaign. I'll let the Democrats do that for me. I'll just visit schools and veteran hospitals and offer pithy proposals for inexpensive programs. When the interviewers ask me if I am heartless I'll say I have as much compassion as any reasonable person until I have to pay my bills."

"My first act as president will be to call on Congress to move elections for federal office up to April just before taxes are due so the American people can weigh how much all this costs. November is as far away from the IRS deadline as you can get. And with all the holiday marketing brainwashing in full swing before you even start to buy things people can be deluded into thinking they care."

"My second act will be to abolish funds for homeless shelters and public housing. If you don't feed people there is no need to house them. The shelters can easily be turned into work camps where habitat challenged individuals who volunteer to rebuild our infrastructure will be provided for. And I'd let the private sector take the public housing and farm out the inhabitants to struggling businesses in need of cheap labor. The corporations who run half our nation's prison systems could do this and return a taxable profit. This way, without creating any new federal agency or entitlement we clear up the housing problem and the need for illegal immigrant labor-with no cost to the taxpayer."

"Look, its just like a cat that meows on your porch. The first time you see him he looks wet and cold and hungry so you toss him a few scraps out of kitchen wastebasket. Next thing you know you're spending half your weekend at PetCo and the vet's."

Don Arrup

Satire1