Philly Sound

Under a full Philly moon

South Street boys started to croon

The microphone will be here soon

Bandstand

Buddy Dean had the tune machine

In Bee Bop Baltimore down

Chuck Web spells cool

Teenhop was for fools

Till Elvis came to town

He was on the air

And everywhere

Bandstand

Bandstand

The loves of girls lives

The woman I wanted to wive

Made my basement the scene

When she danced off the screen

Bandstand

Bandstand

Don Arrup

Satire1

Broccoli

The Supreme Court held two and a half days of hearing arguments last week on whether the Constitution allows Congress to mandate citizens to buy broccoli after twenty six states filed suit stating that it imposed an unnecessary burden on farmers and carnivores.

--It looks like grass, it gives you gas and it tastes like ass.

Justice Roberts

"Whose ass does it taste like?"

--My wife keeps a clean house, your Honor.

Justice Ginsberg

"Doesn't the mandate simply compel citizens to buy broccoli without any enforcement of its ingestion? Isn't the mandate then like ORomaCare which compels people to buy health insurance even though they know it is impossible for anyone with a job or a life to get an appointment with a physician?"

--Many Christian sects in the Mid and South West forbid the ingestion of anything that can't bleed or scream, your Honor. So we are suggesting that not only does Broccoli Buy prove to be an overreaching of the Commerce clause but a violation of the Freedom of Religion.

Justice Ginsberg

"ORamaCare compels even Christian Scientists and Evangelicals who don't believe in insurance to buy it but they are not compelled to use it even if it were possible to see a physician. Young people pay into Social Security and Medicare knowing full well it won't be there for them."

--The  federal government already does a very complete and thorough job of wasting the citizenry's money, your Honor. The twenty six states are satisfied and appreciative that they have been relieved of most of that governmental burden.  

Justice Scalia

"Let's assume for a moment that I or my wife already buys broccoli on the free market. A physician at a party suggested it and since we have been unable to get an appointment at another doctor's golf cart we have eaten broccoli in the belief that it might keep us out of the hospital. And then let's assume that despite eating the mandated vegetable we become ill. What in the law-should we uphold it- is there to protect us from being served broccoli in the hospital where we are compelled under the threat of starvation to eat the bushy green?"

--The law offers you no protection from that caloric tyranny, your Honor. In fact, since the hospital accepted your federal insurance it must comply with the law and buy broccoli just as you were compelled to. No reasonable person could imagine a doctor or a trained nurse eating the broccoli while the rest of the staff is protected from eating greens by their union contract. Someone has to be served the broccoli, your Honor, and if you are at the time the weakest and most vulnerable individual within the jurisdiction of the hospital kitchen I'm afraid it will almost certainly be you."

Justice Scalia

"But I don't like broccoli and it didn't protect me from the cancerous tubercular erectile dysfunction. Now I am bedridden, probably heavily drugged and delirious if only from the boredom and they're pushing a plate of over boiled green mush under my chin."

--This is precisely what the twenty six states fear, your Honor. that the most vulnerable and powerless of our population even though they are exempt from buying it will be served the broccoli that schools, hospitals, military bases and soup kitchens are compelled by law to purchase. The poor who are barely surviving in Golden Arch deserts where no McDonald's franchise is established will be left with nothing to eat but fresh fruit, vegetables and whole grains. We fear that our emergency rooms will be overwhelmed with poor and working class citizens suffering from diseases linked to thinicity which before was unique to the affluent. We are tired of the Surgeon General telling this population that their grandmothers were murdering them and that Aretha Franklin is unattractive. 

Justice Kennedy

"The question before this court is given that the federal government's reach up our rectums has expanded as the long arm of the law thickens above its elbow does the Congress now also have the power to reach down our throats by deciding what we should eat?"

--Both major political parties have been feeding us nothing but shit for the last fifty years but the electorate is not compelled to swallow it, you Honor, as is shown in our low voter turn out. The government's argument that broccoli holds a unique position in our economy and lifestyle since it is the only green vegetable that doesn't go bad before you can get it into your refrigerator is a false argument. People buy green vegetables not to eat but to relieve their conscience as they stack up their grocery carts with the infinite variety of denatured chemical crap. Compelling citizens to buy any vegetable which can survive in the refrigerator will only make them feel guilty for enjoying their meals. 

Justice Sotomayor

"But isn't it the role of government to make the citizenry feel guilty for enjoying anything they bought with wages they managed to salvage from taxation? Money is not only speech it is a narcotic. We buy ever bigger television screens even though there is nothing worth watching. Bigger cars though there is no place to go and bigger homes which we have no time to stay in."

--The twenty six states agree that the Constitution only promotes the pursuit of happiness in theory, your Honor, and upholds the criminalization of any pursuit that actually offers pleasure like beating your children or ingesting non prescription drugs. But we are proposing that Broccoli Buy imposes an unnecessary burden not only on individuals and institutions but on the entire food and beverage industry which has labored for decades to addict us to salt, sugar and fat saturated crap. For the federal government to now after years of subsidizing genetically altered corn and heavily drugged cattle to reverse course and steer the populace by mandate towards healthy and natural foods is not only hypocritical but dangerous to the economy and food supply.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Obama Go Easy

"My fellow Americans, it grieves me to inform you that as I speak the armed forces of the United

States under my orders as commander in chief are moving en masse across the borders of the city of New Orleans. I gave the order three days ago and due to months of intelligence gathering and round the clock searches on land, air and satellite we were able in to locate and positively identify the city."

"Six divisions of the Army have sealed the city line while the Navy has blockaded the Gulf, two divisions of the Marines have already stormed and taken the levies and the Air Force already enjoys air supremacy."

"This time no one will get out of New Orleans."

"Now as successful as the containment and invasion has been there will be casualties. Our troops will be exposed to poorly maintained public facilities, overpriced bars and brothels. Cajun food and in some cases even jazz. It is the price of freedom and why we honor those who visit New Orleans."

"We will be reinforced by both Canadian and British forces who will occupy the French Quarter and Ninth Ward as our Army Corps of Engineers and another army of ridiculously overpriced private firms begin the long process of nation building in this ungovernable land."

"Now in the spirit of full disclosure our intelligence agencies have estimated that this will not be the quick in and out that we enjoyed in Afghanistan but a decades long process of trying to build sound civil institutions, schools and an economic structure free enough of corruption to be able to support a democratic government."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ape Foo Foo

April Fool predicts:

Your child bringing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school in their lunchbox will be considered first degree murder of a number of their classmates.

Ammonia soaked beef byproducts also known as "pink slime" which no fast food chain will touch will be sold to public schools for their lunch programs.

Spent hens, the drug saturated burnt out eggbots of industrialized farming, will be the "healthy alternative" offered to school children.

Monsanto's genetically altered can't rot, can't reproduce, can't be digested hybrid corn will through feed, starch, oil and syrup make up over 60% of the calories Americans consume.

With Iran threatening to cut off the Middle East's major supply line candidates for political office in the United States will demand we pilfer our strategic oil reserves to bring down the price at the pumps a few pennies for summer.

Germany will allow their economic partners to collapse into chaos and depression in the name of austerity.

Rick Santorum will claim that the market forces he defended in the Medicare Prescription Drug Plan D will bring down prices to somewhere less than double what other countries pay and claim success.

The Republicans will not find an alternative to Mitt Romney.

Liberals will not find an alternative to Barack Obama.

The last major college basketball program in the country to allow non whites to play will win March Madness and portray themselves as a model for collegiate sports.

Oh shit! All this has already happened.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hit Parade

Satire1 was a safety in elementary school which meant that I was assigned to help the other students cross Loch Raven Boulevard without getting killed. Safeties in professional football on the other hand are assigned to kill any opposing player who tries to cross the first down marker or goal line. With the NFL Hall of Fame players sporting more crutches than the French Army after World War I, Commissioner Roger Goodell has rightly tried to impose rules to reduce the amount of injuries to players protected only by Robo Cop armor and Star Wars technology.

The New Orleans Saints Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams was recently found guilty of running a Big Easy Murder Incorporated racket whereby defensive players were given "bonuses" or more accurately and literally blood money to injure players on the opposing teams. With suspensions ranging from eight games to one year the wrath of the Commish has been dolled.

In light of these disclosures, not entirely unique to the Saints and the present day, it seems the height of injustice that then Giants then Jets receiver Plaxico Burress was imprisoned for carrying a handgun considering the number of big strong men who wanted him hurt.

Satire1 has more thoroughly investigated the charges regarding the Saints and found the price list of hits not published in the Sports pages of your daily paper.

Hit List

(All injuries must be confirmed by a licensed physician or coroner)

Sphinx Mush- $1,000- complete flattening of the nose. Both cheeks must appear as one.

Anonymous- $2,000- blow must knock the numbers off either the front or back of opponent's jersey while jersey remains intact.

Egg Out-$10,000- for confirmed knocking of receiver's eyes out of his head with one hit. Eyes may still be attached to head by the optic nerves but clearly and fully outside the lids. $4,000 for one eye.

Decap-$20.000- complete removal of opponent's head from one hit. Can be shared if resulting from multiple hits occurring simultaneously. Head falling off shoulders on stretcher or in locker room nets half bonus.

Oblit-$23,000- complete obliteration of opponent at the monocular level from one hit. Remnants of uniform must remain intact. Rare instances of spontaneous combustion will be investigated by trained physicists.

Dracula-$25,000- defender's helmet must pass completely through torso of opponent. $2,000 bump bonus if defender can remove his head with helmet still on. $5,000 bone bonus if defender pushes opponent's spine completely outside carcass.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Goldman Sached

As the ping pong champ Greg Smith jumped ship at the tip of Wall Street last week Satire1 set up shop outside 200 West Street to talk to the Goldman banksters he left behind.

"Any smalltime client with any sense knew that we never gave a shit about them but since we usually made a killing we made sure to feed the pigeons."

"You don't take your money to Greed Street and look for a nice guy. If you're looking to make money without really working then you're a thief and you want to be in with the smartest thieves."

"Sure we played both sides of the bubble but we let our clients in on the action. We blew it up and they took the pop."

"This will all blow over after Romney takes office. He was one of us and the best president right now that money can buy."

"I'm not worried about prosecution. The prisons they send us to are like Club Med and I could use a vacation. But I've heard rumors about Washington possibly taxing our loot- even invading the Cayman Islands. It just doesn't pay being a pirate anymore."

"Your kid couldn't build a sand castle on the beach without our financing. If they jail every white collar criminal in this country Americans are going to find themselves living like the Flintstones."

Don Arrup

Satire1

O'Bama

President O'Bama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on Saint Patrick's Day.

"My fellow Irish Americans. I want to extend to you from all the O'Bamas our wishes for you to have an intoxicated and embattled Saint Patrick's Day. I know that the country continues to struggle. We are still spilling American blood in distant deserts while those they left behind lose their homes while their children face ever shrinking prospects and massive student debt."

"But there is pot of oil at the end of the rainbow if only we could find the rainbow. The ornery leprechaun banker that guards it will be prosecuted and I guarantee that his wrist will be slapped for trashing our economy and destroying our future."

"Until then, let us continue to prod our dead horse economy by the spending of the green, green technology dreams, kissing the Boehner stone and furious fisticuffs over every detail of the budget as if any legislation could spare us from becoming the Ireland of Americas."

Don O'Arrup

Satire1

Daylight Spending

President Obama addressed the nation during his weekly radio address.

"My fellow Americans, you are all aware of the differences of opinion between myself and the Republicans as to how to address the deficit. Our unwillingness to compromise is endangering our immediate economic future and that for generations to come."

"Last week I proposed suspending the return to Daylight Savings Time and ushering in a new era where every American has more hours- two more hours if my full proposal is passed- every year to work, worship or spend with their families. I asked Congress to not only suspend the hour jump yesterday but to actually turn the clock back an hour again making it Spring Back, Fall Back."

"I am sorry to say that it appears my proposal was dead on arrival in the Republican controlled House of Representatives before my Director of the Four Dimensions was given a hearing on the costs and benefits of this change."

"Now I'm not going to lie to you. There will be some expenditures involved in adding a hour in both the Autumn and Spring. Since the additional hours are added early Sunday morning only federal employees working the weekend will be making an additional two hours wages. The atomic clocks controlled by our military will have to be reprogramed and prisoners will have additional hours of incarceration but they can't vote anyway so screw them."

"The Surgeon General has assured me that a large portion of the American people are suffering from sleep deprivation from working more than one job, trying to balance work and the needs of the family and the vast universe of free pornography available on the internet. Another precious hour of sleep right at the peak of our busiest times of the year could mean the difference between crashing your car and getting safely to work on time; reviewing that last chapter before midterms at the Community College you snobbed your way into or simply getting the nookie you need to think straight before facing a long week of work."

"I am sorry to say that my Republican colleagues once again were unwilling to consider another one of my brilliant ideas simply because they feared its passage would make me look good in an election year. So if at any time between now and November you find yourself short of time you know that the fault lies not with you but with Republicans controlling the House of Representatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

You're Right And I'm Righter

Satire1 hosted a round table of the top four Republican Presidential hopefuls to discover who was the real conservative. The candidates were handed a list of controversial changes and asked which ones they would repeal if given the power.

WOULD YOU REPEAL

Gay Marriage

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man marrying a lesbian.

Santi

Homosexuality is a sin but in the spirit of toleration I will accept their votes.

Newt

We're not ancient Athens.

Ronpaw

The government has no business telling you who you can and can not marry. Just don't get too hillbilly.

ORomaCare

Ronpaw

I don't want to pay anyone else's doctor. I don't even want to pay mine. And I'm a doctor.

Santi

Obama is forcing Catholic women to get abortions and inseminating urban teenagers.

Newt

What we need in this country is affordable and profitable care that you don't have to wait half the day for. What we need is McHealthCare.

Mitt

Obama and his moll Pelosi took what was a perfectly conservative local action and liberalled it all up with mandates and single payer and uhh let me rephrase that.

Roe vs Wade

RonPaw

I don't believe in health care for men. In my forty years as an obstetrician I never saw a male patient and other doctors told me that even if you do they don't listen to you anyway.

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man married to a lesbian having a baby.

Gingrich

We're not ancient Sparta where you throw babies you don't want off a cliff.

Santi

Look, when Eve bit that apple that was a contract.

Brown vs The Board of Education

Ronpaw

I'm not a lawyer or a historian but I know what we ended up with- equal and shitty.

Mitt

Every American child deserves the best education that doesn't cost money.

Gingrich

America was the first county to have public education. We invented it here. It was local and taught the skills that children needed to become good citizens. And whatever the others say on education I'm to the right of them.

Santi

The radical atheist union brainwashing establishment has been filling our children's heads with myths like evolution and gravity long enough.

Social Security

Ronpaw

The New Deal generation that created this Ponzi scheme is finally dying off. The Boomers are in for a surprise and our children know it won't be there for them.

Mitt

Anyone who is currently living off of Social Security has nothing to fear. Everyone else has nothing to expect.

Ging

The Social Security System was never designed to be the a retired individual's main source of income. And the fact that your house is worth as much as an outhouse was in 2007 complicates things.

Santi

If God wanted us to be secure in our later years he wouldn't have invented old age.

Women's Suffrage

Ging

The Declaration of Independence states that we believe that all men are created equal. Well no on in their right mind believes that but I will say this-I respect women's unique problems and needs and I buy my wife jewelry.

Ronpaw

At least half the men I know just do what their wife tells them so I don't see what difference it makes who goes in the booth.

Mitt

That was the women a hundred years ago with the big hats?

Santi

I already told you about Eve and if you're Catholic or Mormon I guess it was Pandora for you.

Emancipation

Ronpaw

If you believe this is a free country and respect the right to private property I don't know what business it is of the government's if you own another human being. Most of our Founding Fathers did.

Santi

Many of the people in the Bible were slaves at one point or another and it didn't stop them from becoming famous.

Ging

The Republican Party was founded as the party of Emancipation but now we've come full circle and believe in state's rights.

Mitt

I don't believe in reestablishing slavery in America especially when it is so much cheaper to rent them in China.

Steve Jobs proved that the outsourcing of slavery just makes better economic sense.

Second Amendment

Ronpaw

I think it is clear enough. If you are a militia you can shoot anybody you want.

Ging

When the Constitution was written pistols, rifles and cannons were all single load. Now that we have automatic weapons and nuclear arms the liberals want to regulate them.

Santi

Our Founding Fathers promoted individual gun ownership to avoid creating a large standing army to deal with the Native Americans. Now, after three decades of Invasion Immigration the Native Americans who infiltrate our borders have created drug gangs and salsa bands.

Mitt

I'm opposed to the current regulations placed on our God given and Constitutional right to bear arms. Take paranoid schizophrenics. Nobody has more enemies than they do and yet the liberals don't want to sell them a gun.

The Constitution

Ging

The Constitution was written by rich men to consolidate the power of rich men and protect the property of rich men which included human beings. It was not originally what anyone today would think of as a democratic document. The Electoral College and provision of State's Rights were included to protect slavery and were never repealed. Now there have been some changes by way of amendments that have made the Constitution a little more democratic but if I am elected president I will only appoint conservative strict constructionist judges who will intuit the reasoning of our long dead forefathers and bring America back to the plutocracy it was created to be.

Ronpaw

I don't know what all you lawyers and historians mean when you talk about the Founding Fathers intent as if they were somehow of one mind because that just wasn't the case. Most of them hated each other more than they did King George and some of them killed each other when they got a chance.

Mitt

I think America functioned much better under the original Articles of Confederation.

Santi

I don't believe any document written by human beings has the power to tell human beings to go against what my God has told them to do.

Magna Carta

Ging

Over seven centuries ago the British people demanded a recognition of their rights from their King. Okay, it was the British barons but it was the first step.

Ronpaw

I think the Magna Carter was exactly the wrong thing for the common people of England to do at that time or any time. Instead of asking somebody to recognize their rights they should have just stopped recognizing their oppressor's authority.

Mitt

Being a Mormon I don't drink very often but I do like the big bottles of champagne.

Santi

Is this Jimmy Cater's wife we're talking about?

Creation

Mitt

If I'm elected God I will clean away this mess and recreate the heavens and the Earth in less time then my predecessor. Four days tops.

Ging

Three!

Santi

I thought Carter's wife was named Rose Ann. After he left office she got her own sitcom.

Ronpaw

We're in full agreement that creation has long run out its course. The drug epidemic we won't survive is the cell phone. Its a microwave antenna people are pressing against their face to listen to little electronic chatter that sounds like people they think they know. Its a brain virus. So I'd wipe the slate clean and then get rid of the slate. I go. Everything goes. I'd only leave gold behind.

Don Arrup

Satire1