Joint Chiefs Raped In Pentagon Parking Lot

The nation's highest ranking uniformed officers were raped in the Pentagon parking lot yesterday by a mob of enlisted personnel whose petitions for justice in their own violation had been ignored or dismissed. Having no superior officer to file a complaint with the commanders of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and National Guard were reduced to whining to their respective secretaries of their service.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blamed the Joint Chiefs for parading themselves about in provocatively tailored uniforms decorated in medals and ribbons and overly shined shoes. 

"I don't know what they expected with their scrambled eggs visors, padded and starred shoulders, red striped pants and chests covered in fruit salad. There are some pretty lonely Privates in our armed services and some Seamen just back from long cruises. Bend over in front of them and they're sure to take a rise up in the ranks."

"I'm tired of these four star teases standing like erections expecting the world to freeze every time they grace us with their gaze. They allowed a culture that protects rapists and sexual terrorists and now wonder how long it will be before they can sit down comfortably. Well, they have been sitting down too long."

Don Arrup

Satire1

ObamaCare Repeal Attempt 200

With just hours left for the 113th Congress, leaders of the Republican controlled House of Representatives are scrambling for the last 86 votes needed to repeal the Affordable Health Care Act popularly known as ObamaCare. While the sequestration has expanded into a totally unfunded Federal government with the borders unguarded, airports shut down and the unpaid military foraging for food while trading high tech weapons for nookie and tobacco, House Speaker Boehner has pledged that the doomed on arrival bill will pass the House this time. 

"Our critics underestimate the absolute importance of this symbolic vote. We were sent here by our constituencies, some of whom may even be elements of the American people. to carry out the will of the lobbyists and the extreme fringes of our party."

"If President Obama and the Democrats thought that simply selling out to the pharmaceutical and insurance industries was enough to protect this tort lawyer enriching, nurse hugging, totalitarian coup of our freedom to chose whatever doctor and care the actuarial saints in Connecticut and New York bless us with they were mistaken."

"The American people in poll after poll have let their government know that they do not want bureaucrats in Washington forcing abortions and evolutionary based scientific procedures on them when there are better trained profit oriented accountants and financiers available in the private sector."

"The Health Care Industry is one of the few bright spots in the recession ridden Obama economy. Enjoying record growth and employment while providing second world care for only twice as much as any other country pays."

"Forcing Americans to buy health insurance assumes all Americans have enough health to care for. Now I ask you, have you actually taken a look at this country? Half of our teenagers could play on the offensive line of an NFL team while the other half look newly released from concentration camps. There is no saving these people and any investment in their care is a bad investment. Let the people decide for themselves where their dollars will go. Do I want that insulin shot or a third Big Mac?" 

Don Arrup

Satire1  

Fair Shame Game

A bipartisan effort is underway in Congress to address the nation's Swiss cheese approach to terrorism with legislators calling for truly comprehensive regulations to protect the American people. A partial list of proposals along with a sampling of their reasonings now in House and Senate committees includes:

Cuisine Terror

Background checks on buyers of pressure cookers and a ban on cookware shows. 

"Television and the internet are rife with foreigners explaining how to make explosive devises out of common kitchen equipment disguising their instruction as warnings and precautions."

Domestic Shoe Production

 In the 1960's, ninety-eight per cent of the nation's shoes were manufactured in the U.S. Now, ninety per cent are imported from overseas. The 2009 Shoe Bomber brought to light these ticking bombs literally under our feet. 

"The American people have come to rely on being shod for their personal protection and comfort. The popularity of footwear is too universal in this country for the FBI and Homeland Security to investigate. Until we control our ports and borders we must have American shoes!"

Van Damn Parking

With SUVs and vans making up close to half of the nation's household vehicles and a gallon of gasoline having the explosive power of 14 sticks of dynamite, concerns over large capacity tanks is provoking regulation to segregate their parking to forty feet away from any other vehicle, walkway or building.

"Saying that SUVs are only five times more lethal than the average automobile is downright propaganda. Their full gas tank could take out half a city block."

School Is For Fools

The amassing of a community's children in isolated buildings during the day is simply an invitation to disaster. Since "students" have long ceased learning anything of value or employment preparation we can only conclude that laws mandating their warehousing for six hours a day are to accommodate pedophiles and terrorists.

"Why are we subjecting our kids to overpaid union Communists who only propagandize them? Kids only believe what they see on TV anyway so why not keep them home in front of the tube and hand the Department of Education over to Madison Avenue where it belongs?"

Box Bombers

Experts agree that "going postal" has all but disappeared in recent years since all the U.S. Postal Service has to do to murder the population is deliver the mail. Between Unabombs, ricin, anthrax, holiday fruitcakes and the hundred other yet to be identified to the public poisons that lace our mail your mailman has no reason to waste expensive ammunition on his route. Note how many postal workers wear surgical examination gloves.

"Who needs Al Qaeda when you have the Post Office? Hamas and Hezbollah have been all but put out of business by UPS and FedX."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Late Spring Blues 2

I love winter in December

Some years even into short Feb

But by March it is old

This year

Ancient

I see young people in shorts

But they're out of their minds all year

Or have I just gotten older

Colder

No

Young people are insane

I was

And my friends

Why not

You don't own anything 

So you can afford it

Neighbors bitching like cooped hens

The park is a waiting area

Brand new dresses wilting in closets

Shoes too loud on a grey day

Hats that would only blow off

I want a chorus of flowers

Singing their colors

In defiance of the deaf winds

I want female flesh

Sans goose bumps

Parading the streets

I want sex in the air

Hell, I'd take sex anywhere

But we're all still buried

In the cold ground

Under wool and fleece

By taxes and bills

With no sign of relief

Tomorrow says the white teeth

On the dinner time tube

But he's just the Sunday guy

Who can say anything 

And disappear for a week

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ronald McDonald RIP

McDonald's Corporation owner and CEO Ronald McDonald died today after falling into the world's largest meat grinder at his original plant in San Bernardino, California. For over fifty years McDonald steered his franchise corporation from a one burger roadside shack to the world's largest fat food purveyor.

With his meat red hair, yellow overalls worn over a red and white striped union suit and impossibly endowed dogs, the Hamburger Happy Clown is the most recognizable public figure in the world, second to only Santa Claus. Not satisfied with decimating the health of North Americans McDonald morphed his image to fool countries around the world that he was a native calling himself McThai in Thailand and Donald McDonald in the letter R deprived Japan. 

As founder and President of the country's leading higher education institution, Hamburger University (est. 1961), McDonald has trained the core managerial class in the United States where it is estimated that one in eight of the nation's workers had slaved at one point in their careers under the Golden Arches. 

News of his death does not mean that the familiar figure will necessarily disappear from sight. The Federal Trade Commission and FBI have issued warnings of impostors posing as McDonald. Anyone seeing or being confronted by an excessively powdered red headed mug with widely missed lipstick gang banging with ambulatory fast food items should contact the authorities immediately.

In the event the victim is without oxygen or cell phone the Federal Bureau of Investigation asks able bodied citizens to confront the impostors and tell them:

Hey buddy, the clown is dead.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Drone

President Obama signed the Federal Aviation Administration clearance to use drones for commercial purposes in 2015 and has asked Congress to create rules for their use as if that body can get anything done. 

Drone manufacturers are considering what markets to target with their current observation/annihilation military models. 

Truancy Drone-used by high schools to locate absent students

Philandering Drone- reads license plates outside bars and motels

Teen Drone-make out spots and drug corners observed

Hit Drone-Mafia model to be sold at gun shows

Parking Spot Drone-ever bring your car to Manhattan?

Bikini Drone-beach birdwatchers search for best filled swimsuits

Hippo Drone-Ice cream vendor's positioning in park near most obese park goers

Bone Drone-archeologists and extreme necrophiliacs

Relief Drone- restroom locator on Interstate highways

Don Arrup

Satire1

Funny Cello Handbag

Maggie Thatch

Handbag trashed

Eric Von Zipper

Leader of Mice and Rats

In

Pajama Party Parliament

First donned Disney's ears

While sprouting through her sweater

Busting out for business 

And British independence

But the Mice and Rats

Couldn't have that

Get her in bed with Europe

And slip the Euro in

No, No, No

Confluence is sin

Don't let them in

To our pockets

Our pants

Our regulatory dance

If Fascists take the Falklands

Frankie is in the Naval Reserve

If Saddam takes Kuwait

Ronnie's butler has shown nerve

 So what if Annette Funicello

And Mararet Thatcher 

Were not the same woman

They died Monday

And I'll miss them

Don Arrup

Satire1

Late Spring Blues

Yeah it's warmer but that wind

That's March shit in April

And it's not as if it hasn't rained

Everyday you have to be out all day

Never misses

Even the birds are pissed off

Still marking their patch

It's all stay the hell away

No love songs

I can tell you

And half these birds are just bitching

No nest

No yard

No mate

Just hate

And I don't blame them

Half the daffodils haven't popped

Less

Maybe one in a patch looks strong

The others just look like they made a bad mistake

For two sunny days women had their legs out there

Like a hundred years ago

Before Easter

Like jackasses we were longing for the Equinox

Yeah, winter part two

Don Arrup

Satire1

Koreamerica

As the United States of America continues its remarkable decline into the Third World with seventy percent of its population continuing their four decade slide into inevitable poverty, the smart money in Washington is looking for models for how a nuclear power with a tremendous military but an economy that no longer provides social mobility or even affordable health care might proceed into the twenty-first century.

Satire1 interviewed several leading politicians and think tank analysts on the issue:

Ebert Poinzhopper, American Enterprise Institute

"North Korea definitely seems to be the way for America to go. Even with a two party system  I think America is capable of sustaining the blind fanaticism, intransigence and total disregard of reality that it has for the last two decades. And this ability of being able to change leaders and parties in power without disturbing the unsustainable status quo I'm sure has the North Koreans quite jealous."

Senator Bullright

"Though I doubt Americans will continue to accept the dollar for the exchange of goods much longer, we certainly can force other countries to eat our paper under the threat of nuclear annihilation."

Vice President Biden

"Oh, we already are North Korea. No doubt about that. And I like the fat kid's haircut."

Hornbone Potz, Brookings Institution

"I don't think Korea is as divided as the United States. Up until last week the two sides actually still had some line of communication."

Big Brain Brian, Cato Institution

"Our threats to Syria and Iran are too empty to compare to the DPRK's muscular belligerence but our total dependence on China compares well."

Lizbeth Tawk, Rand Corporation

"I don't think we're capable at this time of becoming North Korea. They have much better television than ours. And other than Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade we're terrible at public spectacle. We are catching up on their total disregard for the plight of the average citizen though. Encouraging."

Don Arrup

Satire1*

Satire1 celebrates its fifth anniversary with this post.