Some Brothers Waiting For You In Prison

What would you do if you were patrolling your neighborhood with only a small Kel-Tec 9mm PF-9 handgun and you see a hoodie crossing your path armed with an AriZona Watermelon Fruit Juice Cocktail Bazooka and a whole bag of mini rainbow bombs? You call 911 and the operator tells you steer clear and allow the Swat team and National Guard to arrive but the hoodie continues to penetrate deeper into the undefended core of your and your family's existence? 

Dr. Whamo, director of the Sanford Pirate House Hospital, said he had treated many casualties of juice-zookas with self inflicted wounds being about half. "AriZona makes the deadliest juice-zookas by far. Twenty four ounce tall boy. You could take out an entire kindergarten with a six pack."

Whamo went on to describe the devastation to a human body that has been skittled. "The destruction depends on what colors explode closest to the person. Sour Strawberry has the biggest bang but Banana Berry is known to be the most painful. I treated a nineteen year old who was sour skittled about a year ago. Eight hours on the operating table and he was still a rainbow."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Eye Above The Pyramid Storm

The Egyptian Army invaded Washington D.C. this morning after tens of thousands of Washingtonians had filled the streets of Capital Hill and Embassy Row demanding that some army- any army- arrest Congress, the White House and the Supreme Court.

Former President Obama is being detained at the Verizon Center Arena in a marathon town hall meeting being jointly televised by CNN and Comedy Central. The House and Senate are being kept in session without break until they can agree on anything of real consequence to the nation. The Justices of the Supreme Court are chained to their bench where they hold open first come first judged night and day court. The Pentagon is confined to quarters and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are on KP duty until they sign a pledge to stop raping their own soldiers. 

Lobbyists and political consultants are being beheaded with a scimitar at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial statue drawing the biggest crowd since the coup earlier this morning. Old ladies and children are invited from the crowd to "hack for freedom." Some of the initial blows failed to even render the offender unconscious and then it gets real pretty.

Internet and telephone polls show the American people favoring the coup by a large margin with 67% for and 22% against the Egyptian action which is now being referred to in the international press as a long overdue intervention. 

Israeli Ambassador 

"We had been thinking of overthrowing the United States government for the last few years but we feared a disruption in their foreign policy which we already controlled."

British Ambassador

"We'd been pressing the Canadians to do it for over a decade. The United States really is just South Canada and North Mexico now. Let's not pretend it is still a nation with a functioning government."

French Ambassador

"It is not like the Confederacy and Union or even Hatfields and McCoys. If Texas bordered New York there would not be a single human being alive in either state before the year was out. And they and every other state in the union hates California. In this the 49 states are united. The United Nations must find a fair and equitable way to dissolve the union and just let New Jersey and Oklahoma take over."

Chinese Ambassador

"It is time for Obama and the Congress to step down and allow the will of the people to govern. FaceBook can replace the executive, legislative and judicial branches today. If you agree please go to our FaceBook page and 'Like' us." 

Egyptian Ambassador

"You see the pyramid on the back of the one dollar bill. The United States has always been a part of Egypt. The fact that the European nations discovered America first is irrelevant. 

Danish Ambassador

"Even college students couldn't get laid. Something had to be done."

Bongo Congo Ambassador

"The three branches of the U.S. government should reflect the true character of the American people. Replace them with The National Rifle Association, McDonald's and the NFL. This is the only government the American people can trust."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Diana Ross Doesn't Sing Here Anymore

Despite major headline wins over DOMA and Myriad Genetics, the Obama Administration took a shellacking this Supreme Court session with the Solicitor General winning under 40% of the rulings when SGs usually bat seven hundred. Swinger Justice Kennedy was in bed with the winners in over three quarters of the cases while Scalia spanked his monkey on the bench after being left on the floor almost half the time.

For those unfamiliar with Constitutional law some of the highlights of the 79 rulings this session.

DOMA

New Yorker Edith Windsor went to Canada (a vast wasteland suburb of Detroit even drug dealers don't recognize as a country) and married a broad who later died then was whacked by the IRS for the estate tax. Since no one on the Supreme Court had ever heard of Canada and Justice Sotomayor warned her colleagues to never mess with an old dyke the court told the IRS to leave her alone.

Proposition Ate

Voters in California passed a plebiscite to stop lesbians from propositioning strangers for cunnilingus. The case was thrown back to a lower court because even the president can't get a blow job. 

Affirmative Action

Court ruled that a white girl who couldn't cut it in a Community College was violated by the University of Texas who enrolled some black kid who will be her boss some day.

Voting Rights Act

Court ruled in a five to four decision that slavery and Jim Crow never happened.

God's Patent 

Court ruled unanimously that corporations don't own your tits.

Class Action

More obstacles for plaintive(s) suing companies for discrimination, harassment, rape, murder or name calling. So it's like everyone in the country works for the United States Military.

Arbitration

Employees with legitimate complaints unlike the whiney crap mentioned above have the right to bring their grievances to a board paid for by their boss.

Immunity Beyond Borders

Companies can not be held responsible for what their subsidiaries and suppliers overseas do to their workers in the name of profit. So it's like everyone in the world works for the United States Military.

Big Drug Dealers Are Not Drug Dealers

Pharmaceutical companies who are responsible for the vast majority of addictions and overdoses slide due to included flyspeck tomes nobody can read without an atomic microscope.

Gabelli Vs United States

If your investment advisor hides or plans out a fraud for five years you're screwed.

Don Arrup

Satire1

This Diamond Ring

Since Massachusetts recognizes gay marriage and NFL Patriots owner Bob Kraft is a widow the stage is set for Kraft to marry Russian President Vladimir Putin in a ceremony to take place at half time during the Patriots home opener against the New York Jets on Thursday night, September 12. President Putin and former spouse Lyudmila Putina announced their divorce on June 6 of this year clearing the way for the international betrothal.

Their secret engagement dates back to 2005 just a year after Massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage but both Mr. Kraft and President Putin were married to women at the time. Myra Kraft passed away from cancer in 2011 but with Putin up for election in 2012 and gay marriage being both unpopular and illegal in Russia the couple concluded it was best to wait.

The NFL Network is promoting the Thursday night opener as the "Kremlin Kraft Bling Bling Ring Ding." President Obama congratulated the couple and offered to perform the ceremony while Ellen Degeneres said she would give Putin away should his family decline to attend.

The announced nuptials solve a controversy that has raged since 2005 when Bob Kraft was videotaped proposing to Putin in St. Petersburg. The couple devised a cover story for the press that Kraft thought he was simply showing Putin his Super Bowl ring when Putin abruptly pocketed it and walked away behind a wall of KGB bodyguards. The "misunderstanding" allowed the couple to keep their engagement secret and to pass coded love notes to each other through press statements.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Supreme Court Rules Women Own Their Breasts

As Biotech companies gobble up genes from the Human Genome Project with patents the Supreme Court has ruled that women actually own their own breasts despite lower courts having ruled that "bad boob 1&2 genes" isolated by Myriad Genetics was their property due to the unique usage clause in Copyright law. The lower federal courts had actually upheld Myriad's claim that once the gene was removed from a woman's body it belonged to them and that they alone were authorized to test for and research on the gene and its mutations responsible for a large portion of the near 40,000 annual deaths from breast cancer. 

In "God and Mother Nature vs Myriad Genetics." the justices unanimously sided with the deities after hearing fifteen minutes of argument, earthquake and thunder. In an unprecedented move Chief Justice Roberts while still seated behind the smoldering high bench just smote with lightning, called for a show of hands from his fellow justices on siding with the plaintiffs. 

The lawyers and executives of Myriad Genetics were unavailable for comment after the ruling as the District of Columbia Fire Department has yet to locate them in the chasm in the floor and earth they were standing on. Fire Chief Gabriel suggested that they might be more productively sought in China. 

Despite the disappearance of the defendants the ruling was not without critics who as usual spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"What's the use of having all this breast cancer if no one can make a buck on it? Myriad worked hard to isolate this gene and identify its mutations. This process is protected as a unique process in law and they deserve to price half the women in the country out of a life saving test."

"My wife's breasts belong to her father. That was made perfectly clear in our courtship. They're Korean and I think we have too little respect for corporations which are not individuals but the real families in this country."

"20th Century Fox owned Jayne Mansfield's and Marilyn Monroe's breasts just like Universal owned Mamie Van Doren's. I don't know where average women get off thinking their breasts are theirs. We have a constitution in this country."

"This is the only way those pathetic geeks could have ever gotten their hands on some women's breasts."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Joint Chiefs Raped In Pentagon Parking Lot

The nation's highest ranking uniformed officers were raped in the Pentagon parking lot yesterday by a mob of enlisted personnel whose petitions for justice in their own violation had been ignored or dismissed. Having no superior officer to file a complaint with the commanders of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and National Guard were reduced to whining to their respective secretaries of their service.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blamed the Joint Chiefs for parading themselves about in provocatively tailored uniforms decorated in medals and ribbons and overly shined shoes. 

"I don't know what they expected with their scrambled eggs visors, padded and starred shoulders, red striped pants and chests covered in fruit salad. There are some pretty lonely Privates in our armed services and some Seamen just back from long cruises. Bend over in front of them and they're sure to take a rise up in the ranks."

"I'm tired of these four star teases standing like erections expecting the world to freeze every time they grace us with their gaze. They allowed a culture that protects rapists and sexual terrorists and now wonder how long it will be before they can sit down comfortably. Well, they have been sitting down too long."

Don Arrup

Satire1

ObamaCare Repeal Attempt 200

With just hours left for the 113th Congress, leaders of the Republican controlled House of Representatives are scrambling for the last 86 votes needed to repeal the Affordable Health Care Act popularly known as ObamaCare. While the sequestration has expanded into a totally unfunded Federal government with the borders unguarded, airports shut down and the unpaid military foraging for food while trading high tech weapons for nookie and tobacco, House Speaker Boehner has pledged that the doomed on arrival bill will pass the House this time. 

"Our critics underestimate the absolute importance of this symbolic vote. We were sent here by our constituencies, some of whom may even be elements of the American people. to carry out the will of the lobbyists and the extreme fringes of our party."

"If President Obama and the Democrats thought that simply selling out to the pharmaceutical and insurance industries was enough to protect this tort lawyer enriching, nurse hugging, totalitarian coup of our freedom to chose whatever doctor and care the actuarial saints in Connecticut and New York bless us with they were mistaken."

"The American people in poll after poll have let their government know that they do not want bureaucrats in Washington forcing abortions and evolutionary based scientific procedures on them when there are better trained profit oriented accountants and financiers available in the private sector."

"The Health Care Industry is one of the few bright spots in the recession ridden Obama economy. Enjoying record growth and employment while providing second world care for only twice as much as any other country pays."

"Forcing Americans to buy health insurance assumes all Americans have enough health to care for. Now I ask you, have you actually taken a look at this country? Half of our teenagers could play on the offensive line of an NFL team while the other half look newly released from concentration camps. There is no saving these people and any investment in their care is a bad investment. Let the people decide for themselves where their dollars will go. Do I want that insulin shot or a third Big Mac?" 

Don Arrup

Satire1  

Fair Shame Game

A bipartisan effort is underway in Congress to address the nation's Swiss cheese approach to terrorism with legislators calling for truly comprehensive regulations to protect the American people. A partial list of proposals along with a sampling of their reasonings now in House and Senate committees includes:

Cuisine Terror

Background checks on buyers of pressure cookers and a ban on cookware shows. 

"Television and the internet are rife with foreigners explaining how to make explosive devises out of common kitchen equipment disguising their instruction as warnings and precautions."

Domestic Shoe Production

 In the 1960's, ninety-eight per cent of the nation's shoes were manufactured in the U.S. Now, ninety per cent are imported from overseas. The 2009 Shoe Bomber brought to light these ticking bombs literally under our feet. 

"The American people have come to rely on being shod for their personal protection and comfort. The popularity of footwear is too universal in this country for the FBI and Homeland Security to investigate. Until we control our ports and borders we must have American shoes!"

Van Damn Parking

With SUVs and vans making up close to half of the nation's household vehicles and a gallon of gasoline having the explosive power of 14 sticks of dynamite, concerns over large capacity tanks is provoking regulation to segregate their parking to forty feet away from any other vehicle, walkway or building.

"Saying that SUVs are only five times more lethal than the average automobile is downright propaganda. Their full gas tank could take out half a city block."

School Is For Fools

The amassing of a community's children in isolated buildings during the day is simply an invitation to disaster. Since "students" have long ceased learning anything of value or employment preparation we can only conclude that laws mandating their warehousing for six hours a day are to accommodate pedophiles and terrorists.

"Why are we subjecting our kids to overpaid union Communists who only propagandize them? Kids only believe what they see on TV anyway so why not keep them home in front of the tube and hand the Department of Education over to Madison Avenue where it belongs?"

Box Bombers

Experts agree that "going postal" has all but disappeared in recent years since all the U.S. Postal Service has to do to murder the population is deliver the mail. Between Unabombs, ricin, anthrax, holiday fruitcakes and the hundred other yet to be identified to the public poisons that lace our mail your mailman has no reason to waste expensive ammunition on his route. Note how many postal workers wear surgical examination gloves.

"Who needs Al Qaeda when you have the Post Office? Hamas and Hezbollah have been all but put out of business by UPS and FedX."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Late Spring Blues 2

I love winter in December

Some years even into short Feb

But by March it is old

This year

Ancient

I see young people in shorts

But they're out of their minds all year

Or have I just gotten older

Colder

No

Young people are insane

I was

And my friends

Why not

You don't own anything 

So you can afford it

Neighbors bitching like cooped hens

The park is a waiting area

Brand new dresses wilting in closets

Shoes too loud on a grey day

Hats that would only blow off

I want a chorus of flowers

Singing their colors

In defiance of the deaf winds

I want female flesh

Sans goose bumps

Parading the streets

I want sex in the air

Hell, I'd take sex anywhere

But we're all still buried

In the cold ground

Under wool and fleece

By taxes and bills

With no sign of relief

Tomorrow says the white teeth

On the dinner time tube

But he's just the Sunday guy

Who can say anything 

And disappear for a week

Don Arrup

Satire1