Motor City Go Go

As the City of Detroit, Michigan files for Chapter 9 Bankruptcy and pundits decry the sins of the opposing party as the culprit, Satire1 steps in to talk to the people most affected by the failure, the citizens of Kneebox, Kansas. 

"After the breakup of the Supremes it was only a matter of time."

"Their criminals are not doing their job. It's as plain as that. The city pensioners are the only ones walking around with a check. They should be killing them and clearing up their actuarial tables."

"Detroit is Sodom and Los Angeles is Gomorrah. Now that it has fallen don't look back unless you want dogs licking you down to nothing."

"The SUVs they've been making are not deadly enough. If they would just beef up the bumpers with ramrods then even fender benders would lighten the retiree roles."

"I'm all for giving civil servants good pensions upon retirement but you can't give them health insurance too. They need to be dying off in the emergency room refugee camps like everybody else or it's just too expensive."

"We surrendered Detroit to the Canadians in 1812. The people in the streets of Detroit still speak Canadian to each other to this day. That makes it theirs."

"Detroit girls all have big behinds and I like big behinds. Congress has got to act."

"I lose a tooth in my fly every time I hear about Detroit. Push it into one of those big lakes."

"Henry Ford was a closet Jew and he had a Jewish marriage long before the Supreme Court got crazy this summer."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Florida Neighborhood Watch Guidelines

The following guidelines have been proposed by the legislature of the Florida on how neighborhood watch people should conduct themselves while on patrol.

If you see…

A white man with tattoos and facial hair but no watch

Shoot in leg

An Asian man with a bad haircut

Shoot in foot

A well built Hispanic woman with no purse

Strip search

An elderly African American man with a walker

Handcuff and alert your nearest 7Eleven

Anyone carrying an open bag of Skittles

Confront then draw

If you can't determine the stranger's race or gender

Kill then question

STAND YOUR GROUND!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Achilles Wasn't Married

Physicians, trainers, coaches and massage therapists have been reporting an alarming rise in calf muscle injuries since the Supreme Court cleared the way for Same Sex Marriage in June. Lines running out the door and sometimes down the block of Sports Injuries Clinics and emergency rooms with patients standing on one leg or on canes or crutches as lower limb trauma becomes epidemic across the lower forty eight states.

The calf muscles consist of the bi-headed, heart shaped Gastrocnemius and the pancake underlying Soleus muscle. The sexy and more visible Gastrocnemius makes for the "great gams" while the slow twitch fibered Soleus actually functions as a second heart by pumping blood back up to the heart from the lower extremity.

Both muscles are bound in fascia that knots into the Achilles tendon known since Homeric times as "the gay tendon" since it is named after the hero whose nympho mother Thetis dipped into the river Styx by the heel making him invulnerable to personal criticism and bad hair days but leaving him totally neurotic about his thick ankles. Achilles and his fellow Myrmidonean warrior Patroclus had a thing that scholars still talk about to this day.

Evangelical anatomists have been warning for years that every step in the acceptance of homosexuality will further cripple the lower limbs of our obese, barely ambulatory society. 

Class action suits are being compiled by law firms from coast to coast against Elton John and Ellen Degeneres since both their first names begin with the letter E. The suits claim damages ranging from pain and suffering to loss of employment to I just want to sue gay people who make more money than me. 

Satire1 interviewed a variety of experts in law, gayness, anatomy, classical studies and people whose legs hurt. A sample of anonymous quotes follows:

"This is a Christian nation and I'm sick and injured of being ruled by gay people and their Greek gods."

"My wife and I are getting a divorce after 42 years because we're tired of everyone treating us like we're gay just because we're married."

"If anymore states recognize gay marriage I'm going to be in a wheelchair."

"The fact that record heat has cooked the nation and the calf muscles are both the hardest working and furthest from the heart leads me to think that even very mild dehydration could lead to severe muscle pulls in the lower body but that's just what these gay radicals want you to think."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Some Brothers Waiting For You In Prison

What would you do if you were patrolling your neighborhood with only a small Kel-Tec 9mm PF-9 handgun and you see a hoodie crossing your path armed with an AriZona Watermelon Fruit Juice Cocktail Bazooka and a whole bag of mini rainbow bombs? You call 911 and the operator tells you steer clear and allow the Swat team and National Guard to arrive but the hoodie continues to penetrate deeper into the undefended core of your and your family's existence? 

Dr. Whamo, director of the Sanford Pirate House Hospital, said he had treated many casualties of juice-zookas with self inflicted wounds being about half. "AriZona makes the deadliest juice-zookas by far. Twenty four ounce tall boy. You could take out an entire kindergarten with a six pack."

Whamo went on to describe the devastation to a human body that has been skittled. "The destruction depends on what colors explode closest to the person. Sour Strawberry has the biggest bang but Banana Berry is known to be the most painful. I treated a nineteen year old who was sour skittled about a year ago. Eight hours on the operating table and he was still a rainbow."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Eye Above The Pyramid Storm

The Egyptian Army invaded Washington D.C. this morning after tens of thousands of Washingtonians had filled the streets of Capital Hill and Embassy Row demanding that some army- any army- arrest Congress, the White House and the Supreme Court.

Former President Obama is being detained at the Verizon Center Arena in a marathon town hall meeting being jointly televised by CNN and Comedy Central. The House and Senate are being kept in session without break until they can agree on anything of real consequence to the nation. The Justices of the Supreme Court are chained to their bench where they hold open first come first judged night and day court. The Pentagon is confined to quarters and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are on KP duty until they sign a pledge to stop raping their own soldiers. 

Lobbyists and political consultants are being beheaded with a scimitar at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial statue drawing the biggest crowd since the coup earlier this morning. Old ladies and children are invited from the crowd to "hack for freedom." Some of the initial blows failed to even render the offender unconscious and then it gets real pretty.

Internet and telephone polls show the American people favoring the coup by a large margin with 67% for and 22% against the Egyptian action which is now being referred to in the international press as a long overdue intervention. 

Israeli Ambassador 

"We had been thinking of overthrowing the United States government for the last few years but we feared a disruption in their foreign policy which we already controlled."

British Ambassador

"We'd been pressing the Canadians to do it for over a decade. The United States really is just South Canada and North Mexico now. Let's not pretend it is still a nation with a functioning government."

French Ambassador

"It is not like the Confederacy and Union or even Hatfields and McCoys. If Texas bordered New York there would not be a single human being alive in either state before the year was out. And they and every other state in the union hates California. In this the 49 states are united. The United Nations must find a fair and equitable way to dissolve the union and just let New Jersey and Oklahoma take over."

Chinese Ambassador

"It is time for Obama and the Congress to step down and allow the will of the people to govern. FaceBook can replace the executive, legislative and judicial branches today. If you agree please go to our FaceBook page and 'Like' us." 

Egyptian Ambassador

"You see the pyramid on the back of the one dollar bill. The United States has always been a part of Egypt. The fact that the European nations discovered America first is irrelevant. 

Danish Ambassador

"Even college students couldn't get laid. Something had to be done."

Bongo Congo Ambassador

"The three branches of the U.S. government should reflect the true character of the American people. Replace them with The National Rifle Association, McDonald's and the NFL. This is the only government the American people can trust."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Diana Ross Doesn't Sing Here Anymore

Despite major headline wins over DOMA and Myriad Genetics, the Obama Administration took a shellacking this Supreme Court session with the Solicitor General winning under 40% of the rulings when SGs usually bat seven hundred. Swinger Justice Kennedy was in bed with the winners in over three quarters of the cases while Scalia spanked his monkey on the bench after being left on the floor almost half the time.

For those unfamiliar with Constitutional law some of the highlights of the 79 rulings this session.

DOMA

New Yorker Edith Windsor went to Canada (a vast wasteland suburb of Detroit even drug dealers don't recognize as a country) and married a broad who later died then was whacked by the IRS for the estate tax. Since no one on the Supreme Court had ever heard of Canada and Justice Sotomayor warned her colleagues to never mess with an old dyke the court told the IRS to leave her alone.

Proposition Ate

Voters in California passed a plebiscite to stop lesbians from propositioning strangers for cunnilingus. The case was thrown back to a lower court because even the president can't get a blow job. 

Affirmative Action

Court ruled that a white girl who couldn't cut it in a Community College was violated by the University of Texas who enrolled some black kid who will be her boss some day.

Voting Rights Act

Court ruled in a five to four decision that slavery and Jim Crow never happened.

God's Patent 

Court ruled unanimously that corporations don't own your tits.

Class Action

More obstacles for plaintive(s) suing companies for discrimination, harassment, rape, murder or name calling. So it's like everyone in the country works for the United States Military.

Arbitration

Employees with legitimate complaints unlike the whiney crap mentioned above have the right to bring their grievances to a board paid for by their boss.

Immunity Beyond Borders

Companies can not be held responsible for what their subsidiaries and suppliers overseas do to their workers in the name of profit. So it's like everyone in the world works for the United States Military.

Big Drug Dealers Are Not Drug Dealers

Pharmaceutical companies who are responsible for the vast majority of addictions and overdoses slide due to included flyspeck tomes nobody can read without an atomic microscope.

Gabelli Vs United States

If your investment advisor hides or plans out a fraud for five years you're screwed.

Don Arrup

Satire1

This Diamond Ring

Since Massachusetts recognizes gay marriage and NFL Patriots owner Bob Kraft is a widow the stage is set for Kraft to marry Russian President Vladimir Putin in a ceremony to take place at half time during the Patriots home opener against the New York Jets on Thursday night, September 12. President Putin and former spouse Lyudmila Putina announced their divorce on June 6 of this year clearing the way for the international betrothal.

Their secret engagement dates back to 2005 just a year after Massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage but both Mr. Kraft and President Putin were married to women at the time. Myra Kraft passed away from cancer in 2011 but with Putin up for election in 2012 and gay marriage being both unpopular and illegal in Russia the couple concluded it was best to wait.

The NFL Network is promoting the Thursday night opener as the "Kremlin Kraft Bling Bling Ring Ding." President Obama congratulated the couple and offered to perform the ceremony while Ellen Degeneres said she would give Putin away should his family decline to attend.

The announced nuptials solve a controversy that has raged since 2005 when Bob Kraft was videotaped proposing to Putin in St. Petersburg. The couple devised a cover story for the press that Kraft thought he was simply showing Putin his Super Bowl ring when Putin abruptly pocketed it and walked away behind a wall of KGB bodyguards. The "misunderstanding" allowed the couple to keep their engagement secret and to pass coded love notes to each other through press statements.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Supreme Court Rules Women Own Their Breasts

As Biotech companies gobble up genes from the Human Genome Project with patents the Supreme Court has ruled that women actually own their own breasts despite lower courts having ruled that "bad boob 1&2 genes" isolated by Myriad Genetics was their property due to the unique usage clause in Copyright law. The lower federal courts had actually upheld Myriad's claim that once the gene was removed from a woman's body it belonged to them and that they alone were authorized to test for and research on the gene and its mutations responsible for a large portion of the near 40,000 annual deaths from breast cancer. 

In "God and Mother Nature vs Myriad Genetics." the justices unanimously sided with the deities after hearing fifteen minutes of argument, earthquake and thunder. In an unprecedented move Chief Justice Roberts while still seated behind the smoldering high bench just smote with lightning, called for a show of hands from his fellow justices on siding with the plaintiffs. 

The lawyers and executives of Myriad Genetics were unavailable for comment after the ruling as the District of Columbia Fire Department has yet to locate them in the chasm in the floor and earth they were standing on. Fire Chief Gabriel suggested that they might be more productively sought in China. 

Despite the disappearance of the defendants the ruling was not without critics who as usual spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"What's the use of having all this breast cancer if no one can make a buck on it? Myriad worked hard to isolate this gene and identify its mutations. This process is protected as a unique process in law and they deserve to price half the women in the country out of a life saving test."

"My wife's breasts belong to her father. That was made perfectly clear in our courtship. They're Korean and I think we have too little respect for corporations which are not individuals but the real families in this country."

"20th Century Fox owned Jayne Mansfield's and Marilyn Monroe's breasts just like Universal owned Mamie Van Doren's. I don't know where average women get off thinking their breasts are theirs. We have a constitution in this country."

"This is the only way those pathetic geeks could have ever gotten their hands on some women's breasts."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Joint Chiefs Raped In Pentagon Parking Lot

The nation's highest ranking uniformed officers were raped in the Pentagon parking lot yesterday by a mob of enlisted personnel whose petitions for justice in their own violation had been ignored or dismissed. Having no superior officer to file a complaint with the commanders of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and National Guard were reduced to whining to their respective secretaries of their service.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blamed the Joint Chiefs for parading themselves about in provocatively tailored uniforms decorated in medals and ribbons and overly shined shoes. 

"I don't know what they expected with their scrambled eggs visors, padded and starred shoulders, red striped pants and chests covered in fruit salad. There are some pretty lonely Privates in our armed services and some Seamen just back from long cruises. Bend over in front of them and they're sure to take a rise up in the ranks."

"I'm tired of these four star teases standing like erections expecting the world to freeze every time they grace us with their gaze. They allowed a culture that protects rapists and sexual terrorists and now wonder how long it will be before they can sit down comfortably. Well, they have been sitting down too long."

Don Arrup

Satire1