Supreme Court Rules All Marriage Unconstitutional

After upholding most of the Unaffordable Health Care Act the Supreme Court issued a far more important and sweeping verdict that the marriage between any two individuals is unconstitutional and in violation of the guarantees of liberty and due process under the law. 

In a six to three decision justices sided with the State of Delaware that only corporations had the right to marry and that churches and Justices of the Peace have been soaking the public offering illegal legitimacy to sexual relationships making us a country of "pimps and whoes."

The National Association of Divorce Lawyers whose services will no longer be required had argued for the institution of marriage and promised to find another case to protect the institution of divorce.

"The verdict is inconclusive regarding divorce. Over half of married couples chose divorce proving it is the more popular and necessary institution. The Court's ruling today denying states the power to recognize matrimony as a legal relationship does not necessarily mean that the states can not recognize divorce."

"Basically, if you were married this morning before the verdict was released you are now shacked up. The ruling doesn't prohibit you referring to yourself as married. The right to lie was upheld in a First Amendment Case verdict today protecting the right of scumbags to claim they were war heroes."

Lobbyists for caterers, florists, dressmakers, magazine vendors and Karaoke machine manufactures vowed to find another case to bring to the high bench.

Justice Scalia uncharacteristically explained his voting with the majority before getting into his sedan. "I married my whoe even though I knew it was wrong. I thought the issue of gay marriage would expose matrimony for what it was and force us to strike it down. I did it because my whoe wanted it. She needed and still needs the lie. I always knew I was wrong, my parents were wrong and their parents. Marriage is not only unconstitutional it is un-American."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is charged with disarming Justices of the Peace, clergy, Elvis imitators and boat captains who work the various now illegal "hitch houses."

Justice Kagan, the only justice on today's court to have never been entrapped, commented:

"It's all been just one multigenerational romantic Ponzi scheme. Basically a couple of copulators get together and copulate themselves a commune composed of the fruits of their degeneracy and then lord over them for a couple of decades and then send them out to expand the commune. Family is just the Madison Avenue Disney Sunday school name for communism."

Justice Sotomayor, who divorced in 1983 and voted with the majority, said:

"Though I knew at the time that my marriage couldn't possibly be legal it was the only way to obtain a divorce which had always been my ambition. Though this ruling does not necessarily protect divorce it opens the possibility for citizens to obtain a legal divorce protected by the courts without all the messy emotional and financial entanglements of marriage."

Justice Kennedy weighed in:

"It has been a supreme injustice that the rewards of divorce have been denied to citizens simply because they had the sense and the decency to avoid marriage. Religious institutions which depend on familial enslavement to populate their constituencies can recognize any relationship they want and call them whatever they wish but soon we hope to have a case that will force them and everyone to recognize divorce."

A spokesperson for Michelle Obama said that since the institution of the First Lady has become associated with being a spouse of the executive that she be referred to as Top Moll from now on. Former spouses of Governors and Mayors are considering Big Squeeze, Head Hancho, Stud Bud and Puddins as their new titles.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Don't Budge

At home with the Budgets. Bud Budget likes to make money. Money is something you accumulate. Bunny Budget likes to spend money. Dollar birds should be free and fly away after they tickle your palms. Tonight, the Budgets are ordering out. 

Bud wants to go Chinese. Bunny likes Italian. Bud says the Italians service is slow and the food too expensive because they pay a living wage. Food made by drudges is healthier and costs less. You order Chinese and you are master. Order Italian and you are a paisan. Bunny fears that the sweat kitchen workers don't have health insurance and will cough on the rice. Bud says that there is only so much health to go around and we Americans are lucky to have immigrants to be sick for us.

Both Budgets love Sushi but Bud says with the kids in college they can't afford it. Bunny says put it on the credit card. Not with our mortgage and falling assets, Bud replies. Bunny calls Bud a cold fish. 

The Budgets take a break from the discussion to snack on chips. Two bags later they're down to melba toast topped with peanut butter and it is becoming an argument. Bud suggests they compromise and order from the Korean place. Bunny says the old owner's son just died and the grandson has just taken over. Nobody in the whole restaurant looks as if they've eaten in weeks except for him.

They're down to the last of the peanut butter which they scoop with their fingers when Bunny suggests the Greek place. Bud says they've been ravaged by bill collectors and probably don't even have a pizza oven anymore. Bunny says that is all the more reason to patronize them or they will close and drug dealers and banksters will take over the mall. Bud says that Big Bank and Big Pharma have been there for years but they only rob people during the day.

Bunny suggests Mexican as a compromise. They're underpaid and exploited. Bud agrees but says the guy who delivers the food won't leave. He'll want to mow the lawn or fix the roof. He'll offer such a cheap deal we won't be able to turn him away. That's how they exploit us. 

Bud shouts Quickie Burger. Bunny says she doesn't eat factory food. Real hunger starts to set in. Bunny says they'll have to start growing their own food if they are ever going to eat again. Bud spills out his wallet and demands they eat the money. Not the Dollar Birds says Bunny. Bud says eat them before they're taxed away. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Beach Blanket Bunko

Early 60's teen idol Frankie Avalon testified under oath today in the ninth circuit court of appeals in California that he participated in what some public intellectuals are referring to as perhaps the biggest cultural Ponzi scheme perpetrated in the Twentieth Century. Avalon admitted that he accepted cash enumerations to portray himself as a teenager on spring break pursuing the late Annette Funicello though both were happily married and raising children with their spouses. 

The entire ruse was filmed at Big Sur in 1962 as part of a bogus documentary released to the American public under the title Beach Party, a study of California surfing culture. Aided by former Playboy centerfolds and sons of washed up Hollywood has beens, American International Archeological Pictures continued the series of seven propaganda films portraying California teenagers as fun loving, horny erotic dancers and athletes who might break into song at any moment. 

The Golden State Tourism Board has been under investigation for fifty years since the release of Beach Party as questions arose to Avalon's and Funicello's actual ages, the proliferation of perfect bodies and the source of the background accompaniment to the extemporaneous singing. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Bikinis has retired agents whose entire careers were spent in hunting down the still elusive Big Daddy.

So successful was the scam that other big player con men enlisted Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and James Darren to lie about their age and submit to phony home movies of their beach and surfing exploits. An entire genre of popular music took over the airwaves created by suburban kids who had never even seen the ocean and commanded the top of the charts until the Beatles (four British virgins who had never been to second base) invaded with their four part harmony love songs. 

Avalon, who had testified under immunity, afterward told the press that it was only the passing of Funicello last year that allowed him to consider going to the authorities and finally put the controversy to rest. 

"It was a heavy burden to bear for half a century but we did it for love. For love of the music, for Southern California but most of all for love of the money."

Family members of Funicello confessed that Walt Disney was treating Annette like a rented mule after she busted out of her Mickey Mouse Club sweater and that after a childhood spent on the deception and depravity of the big ears Annette needed a new lie, an even bigger lie to smother the shame of the first. 

Avalon went on to admit that he had never surfed in his life and that the scientific evidence presented to the public was done with a back screen similar to the technique used in movie making. 

This revelation comes as a god send to the descendants of Eric Von Zipper whose garden cycle club fought heroically throughout the process to expose the scam. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Call To War

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on the Top Dollars For Your Gold and Cartoon Network channels on Tuesday morning.

"Good morning. I would like to take this time to inform the American people that I have ordered the armed forces of the United States to invade the territories of Alaska and Hawaii in a pre-emptive strike against their imperial masters Russia and Japan. I want the American people to understand that this decision was not made lightly or in haste. I have had three full bowel movements since the proposal to plunge us into war with what were intended to be our forty-ninth and fiftieth states was made. 

Now, I know, some of you are asking yourselves, why declare war on two areas that we kinda think of as being a part of this country. But are they? Alaska is northern Puerto Rico, a huge welfare state and black hole for the tax dollars of the lower forty eight, politically controlled by an oil company, where the inhabitants practice rugged individualism while living off of kickbacks from the billions we invested in the pipeline. 

And Hawaii? Come on. No one is from Hawaii. No one ever was from Hawaii. They were a small group of flop islands for Pacific Islanders and Pirates since men first got in boats. The whole magilla is nothing more than a tourist rest stop between the Americas and Philippines. That's why anyone who has no idea where they were born says they're from Hawaii- including myself. 

This wasn't an easy decision to make. The White House has been in consultation with the leaders of both parties in Congress who agree that if either had an NFL or NBA team they could spared. But their continued presence within striking distance of our shores must be addressed and the American people's safety is always our top priority.

The potential benefits of an invasion, followed by an expulsion of the squatting populations, are almost too numerous to list. First, this will send a clear message to Russia that their policy of arming Syria and Iran will not be tolerated. To Japan, that the theft of factory jobs from American corporations in China must end. To the world financial community that the federal government is willing to make the necessary sacrifices by axing both a solid red and solid blue state in a spirit of true bipartisanship. And to the world that America can still actually win a war despite having history's largest and most expensive military.    

As I speak the Pacific Naval Task Force in Pearl Harbor has all but closed the noose on the ports of Hawaii as the Second Marine Division lands on the beaches of Honolulu. The Air Force's Strategic Bomber Command is leveling Fairbanks and Juno in Alaska as the Army marches up into Canada to join forces with their army to end the threat to our mutual borders. 

The full force of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization is being mobilized to supply the sunscreen and fur coats our troops will need to bring this crisis to a successful and complete conclusion. Not since the Great War of Grenada has the resolve of the American people been so tested. We can't fix any of our real problems so it is time to make up problems we can fix. 

So go to your nearest convenience store and treat yourself to a tall cool drink and a bag of candy and shoot anyone who doesn't look like you. Thank you and God bless America."

Don Arrup

Satire1

High Waisted Pants

I tend to listen better 

When I'm only half dressed

And find uncharacteristic humility

Half naked

A fact never lost on my wife

And common knowledge among doctors

The riot act read

As I sit on the examination table

Feet hanging off the edge

Feel like a kid while the Doc says I'm aged

Doc's right, of course

Right

Fried food doesn't taste good

Too much meat in the world

Salads satisfy

Cigars take too much time

And everyone everywhere

Loves to exercise

The watery decaf compliments perfectly

The bowl of crumbs

Soaking in the blue milk

Yum yum yum

Diet beer, soda water in wine

Bed before the news

Sex

Less frequent than crime

Age is all in the mind

If you don't look down

Or carry groceries up stairs

Or waste your time 

Counting hairs

Not so bad after a while

Soon you learn again to smile

But you never go back to the doctor

To feel better

Don Arrup

Satire1

Colonoscopy

(SCENE: The deepest office in Saudi Arabia's Al Mukhabarat Al A'amah (General Intelligence Presidency-GIP). BIG MO behind big desk questions X MO standing at attention in front of.)

BIG

And what did Doctor Wahzoo find there?

X

Six polyps in a configuration of four bunched closely together with one satellite on each opposing end . 

BIG

Syria, Israel, Iran and Arabia with the United States and Russia just around their respected corners. Were the polyps removed?

X

The doctor couldn't without legislation from Congress which would have to be reviewed by the Supreme Court.

BIG

And even the Japanese can't make a drone small enough to swallow.

X

If they could they couldn't let the Chinese know.

BIG

And China owns the President Obama's colon. What of Obama's former opponent Senator McCain? Do we have anything on his constitution?

X

He received a clean bill of health from the Mayonnaise Clinic in Minnesota when he ran in 2008.

BIG

When even Obama was a young man. McCain wants intervention. He even intervened across Syria's border to talk to the rebels. What did see?

X

The same as Doctor Wahzoo no doubt.

BIG

Hezbollah.

X MO

McCain wants Obama to ground Syria's air support and arm the rebels with Stinger missiles. 

BIG MO

The air. The air. What makes McCain think that even the full bore of American military might can stop what is in the air?

X MO

Or stop the seasons. Our Arab Spring is inevitably turning to hot summer. In the glare of the desert sun only Shia and Sunni will be apparent. 

BIG MO

History is as open as a book. The sand will be red.

X MO

Your orders, Big Mo?

BIG MO

Like there is anything I or Obama or Putin can do?

X MO

Our absolute control of the American Health Care chaos may be slipping with the implementation of ObamaCare. It is as unpredictable as our region. 

BIG MO

American Health Care is the Middle East. Facebook and Twitter annihilated geography. Distance and time roam with Einsteinian freedom. The only borders left are the edges of maps. National identities don't extend beyond street corners. And every man and woman hourly re-calibrates their relationship to Allah and the devil dollar. 

X MO

I have to go to the bathroom.

BIG MO

Good. Good for you. But why go to the bathroom when you could go to the United States Congress? We need an analysis of those polyps. We need an endoscopy of President Obama and what's that camera they swallow for the small intestine?

X MO

Enteroscopy.

BIG MO

We need a complete picture of the primary canal of President Obama. An analysis of his very core. Syria has gone chemical, Iran nuclear, Israel ballistic, Egypt berserk, China aggressive, Japan reactionary, Africa fundamentalist all while Canada lurks in the shadow of its Hollywood brother. 

X MO

There is nothing we can do about Canada.

BIG MO

Allah took all the sins and failings of men and made Canada. But you can get a good deal on a colonoscopy there.

X MO

That's how they make you a Canadian.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Motor City Go Go

As the City of Detroit, Michigan files for Chapter 9 Bankruptcy and pundits decry the sins of the opposing party as the culprit, Satire1 steps in to talk to the people most affected by the failure, the citizens of Kneebox, Kansas. 

"After the breakup of the Supremes it was only a matter of time."

"Their criminals are not doing their job. It's as plain as that. The city pensioners are the only ones walking around with a check. They should be killing them and clearing up their actuarial tables."

"Detroit is Sodom and Los Angeles is Gomorrah. Now that it has fallen don't look back unless you want dogs licking you down to nothing."

"The SUVs they've been making are not deadly enough. If they would just beef up the bumpers with ramrods then even fender benders would lighten the retiree roles."

"I'm all for giving civil servants good pensions upon retirement but you can't give them health insurance too. They need to be dying off in the emergency room refugee camps like everybody else or it's just too expensive."

"We surrendered Detroit to the Canadians in 1812. The people in the streets of Detroit still speak Canadian to each other to this day. That makes it theirs."

"Detroit girls all have big behinds and I like big behinds. Congress has got to act."

"I lose a tooth in my fly every time I hear about Detroit. Push it into one of those big lakes."

"Henry Ford was a closet Jew and he had a Jewish marriage long before the Supreme Court got crazy this summer."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Florida Neighborhood Watch Guidelines

The following guidelines have been proposed by the legislature of the Florida on how neighborhood watch people should conduct themselves while on patrol.

If you see…

A white man with tattoos and facial hair but no watch

Shoot in leg

An Asian man with a bad haircut

Shoot in foot

A well built Hispanic woman with no purse

Strip search

An elderly African American man with a walker

Handcuff and alert your nearest 7Eleven

Anyone carrying an open bag of Skittles

Confront then draw

If you can't determine the stranger's race or gender

Kill then question

STAND YOUR GROUND!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Achilles Wasn't Married

Physicians, trainers, coaches and massage therapists have been reporting an alarming rise in calf muscle injuries since the Supreme Court cleared the way for Same Sex Marriage in June. Lines running out the door and sometimes down the block of Sports Injuries Clinics and emergency rooms with patients standing on one leg or on canes or crutches as lower limb trauma becomes epidemic across the lower forty eight states.

The calf muscles consist of the bi-headed, heart shaped Gastrocnemius and the pancake underlying Soleus muscle. The sexy and more visible Gastrocnemius makes for the "great gams" while the slow twitch fibered Soleus actually functions as a second heart by pumping blood back up to the heart from the lower extremity.

Both muscles are bound in fascia that knots into the Achilles tendon known since Homeric times as "the gay tendon" since it is named after the hero whose nympho mother Thetis dipped into the river Styx by the heel making him invulnerable to personal criticism and bad hair days but leaving him totally neurotic about his thick ankles. Achilles and his fellow Myrmidonean warrior Patroclus had a thing that scholars still talk about to this day.

Evangelical anatomists have been warning for years that every step in the acceptance of homosexuality will further cripple the lower limbs of our obese, barely ambulatory society. 

Class action suits are being compiled by law firms from coast to coast against Elton John and Ellen Degeneres since both their first names begin with the letter E. The suits claim damages ranging from pain and suffering to loss of employment to I just want to sue gay people who make more money than me. 

Satire1 interviewed a variety of experts in law, gayness, anatomy, classical studies and people whose legs hurt. A sample of anonymous quotes follows:

"This is a Christian nation and I'm sick and injured of being ruled by gay people and their Greek gods."

"My wife and I are getting a divorce after 42 years because we're tired of everyone treating us like we're gay just because we're married."

"If anymore states recognize gay marriage I'm going to be in a wheelchair."

"The fact that record heat has cooked the nation and the calf muscles are both the hardest working and furthest from the heart leads me to think that even very mild dehydration could lead to severe muscle pulls in the lower body but that's just what these gay radicals want you to think."

Don Arrup

Satire1