Halloween Horror Schedule 2013

FOX NEWS SCREAM FEST

4pm   Cruz To Nowhere

6pm   Tea Party Challenger

8pm   Rush To Limbaugh

10pm  Tomb Of The Entitlements

12am  The Severed Elephant

MSNBC HORRORWEEN

4pm   You Can Keep Your Health Care Plan

6pm   Syria Don't Dare

8pm   Sequestration

10pm  Baron Boehner's Blood Bath

12am  Return Of The Grizzly Mom

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sequestration Forecast

Hello, I'm Pooh Clark with today's weather forecast. The National Weather Service though heavily defunded and downsized reports that there still will be weather today with chances of sun, clouds and precipitation. Precipitation could come in the form of rain, freezing rain, snow, hail or sleet. Winds are expected to come from somewhere with a grandmother's advisory of possible winter storms, hurricanes, tornados, floods, lightning and wildfires. So be sure to wear clothing before leaving your home.

A travel advisory is still in effect for anyone going anywhere as traffic lights, toll booths, railroads and air ports are being operated on the honor system. Arriving planes at municipal airports will be given clearance in alphabetical order using the first letter of the pilot's middle name. 

Sunrise should take place sometime this morning in the East and linger over the Northern Hemisphere for twelve hours before setting in the West this evening. The Moon may or may not be visible tonight. No large meteors or comets are expected to arrive in the next twenty-four hours. 

Temperatures could range between minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit (Absolute zero) and 10 million (Sun surface). But most meteorologists are confident that we will experience fluctuations in the comfortable middle recorded range of minus 128 F and 134. So go out in a bikini but bring along that parka just in case it gets chilly.

With Fall just around the corner the precise moment of the Autumnal Equinox in your area can be calculated by standing a chicken egg on its head. The same method the country's leaders in Washington are using to balance the federal budget.

So before we go to commercial break let's talk briefly about yesterday's weather and when we come back we'll go over the entire weather picture for last week and we even have the temperatures.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fall Movies 2013

Bears Eating Babies 2

Bless Me Father But Don't Touch Me

There Will Be Cum

Violence, The Movie

I Lost My Cellphone!

Tweet Story

That's Not My Leg

Super Something

Gay Marriage- The Rehearsal Dinner

Teenage Girl Saves World Not Worth Saving

Gestapo Nights

Satan Has A Facebook Page

Sorority Slaughter

High School Football Assholes

Cute Cartoon In Trouble

Cute Cartoon In More Trouble

Life On Earth Is Over (Documentary)

Big Car

To Mock A Killing Bird

Don Arrup

Satire1

Paw And Maw Santo

Satire1 visited Squeezebox, Nebiowadaho to talk to America's farmers Paw and Maw Santo who subsist by selling only 85-93% of the corn, soybean, cotton and canola seeds in the country about the legal persecution they've been suffering at the hands of family and organic farmers who use the wind to steal their patented seeds. 

Maw

"Paw and I have spent years using the Bible and the Constitution of the United States to change the genes of our crops to resist communism, atheism, vermin and the poison we sell for pin money and here all these hippies and families with their few hundred acres think they can just steal our seeds and not pay us."

Paw

"There's over 3,000 of these thieves organized by some lawyers into a mafia to stop us from claiming what is rightfully ours forcing us to get by on just eleven billion a year and what with inflation and cable costs going up-"

Maw

"-if you want to see the good shows on TV."

Paw

"You tell him, Maw."

Maw

"And we only have about 40 Senators and a couple of hundred Congressmen at our troth and what with Jews and Puerto Ricans and other radicals on the Supreme Court I don't see how a little family corporation like ours is to have a chance.

Paw

"This is the same court telling women they own their own breasts."

Maw

"This is why girls in Los Angeles are going around without bras."

Paw

"Spreading their breast cancer like influenza among the unsuspecting population."

Maw

"That's why even nuns and widows are getting it now."

Paw

"They think those pink ribbons are going to protect them."

Maw

"The color pink is a carcinogen."

Paw

"And it turns people gay."

Maw

"Even if they're married. And all these gay couples getting married and having gay babies who won't eat our corn."

Paw

"Pink is really just communist red whitewashed to seduce teenage girls into spreading their legs for FaceBook and these other meat market white slavery sites on the internet."

Maw

"It's anti-corn is what it is."

Paw

"We sell white corn, blue corn, yellow and Indian corn seeds but we won't make no pink corn seeds."

Maw

"Like those Castro people did down in Florida with the god fearing yellow grapefruit."

Paw

"And our pesticide only poisons the socialists and illegal immigrants that steal work from struggling Americans."

Maw

"Those Hispanics ought to go back to Spain where they belong."

Paw

"Those lawyers and hippies want to use their grandfather's seeds when God gave the grain seeds to Maw and me to improve and be fruitful with."

Maw

"They're saying the wind put our seeds in their fields. Well, we don't have no contract with the wind."

Paw

"All part of their Global Warming scam to rob struggling multinationals out of the meager living they eke out of the world's resources."

Maw

"The bunch of bullies."

Paw

"So you go on down to your local farmers market and ask them if they use our seeds."

Maw

"And if they don't you tell them to stop stealing from Paw and me."

Paw

"And stop giving us breast cancer and making our babies gay."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Date Night

As the United Nations General Assembly Circus continues President Obama missed his hand job with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani but did give him a call when he was on his way home from the prom.

Ob

"Hey Hass, whassup."

Ro

"Just chillin, Bammy."

Ob

"How'd you like world jam?"

Ro

"Chow was good but there's never enough chicks at these things."

Ob

"Your translator looked fine."

Ro

"Yeah, stacked too but I can get a translator back home. You know, in New York a guy wants some strange."

Ob

"Why do you think I finished out my undergrad at Columbia."

Ro

"What did you major in at Columbia?"

Ob

"Alcohol."

Ro

"You and Bushy. I know that is the most popular major in your country but in Persia we don't drink alcohol. But we have hookie."

Ob

"I majored in hookie in high school."

Ro

"Hookie is very nice. Only thing better than hookie is nookie."

Ob

"Well, you've got that right. Look, Hass, I would have invited you to my crib for some interns but since Bill-"

Ro

"I know all about it. Jewish girl on her knees five times a day and not praying to Allah."

Ob

"The good old days."

Ro

"You should have been in Tehran for the revolution."

Ob

"The Americans there didn't feel very welcome."

Ro

"But that was a long time ago. Like a blow job. When it's over it's over. Nothing happened."

Ob

"Yeah, but Hezbollah-"

Ro

"There's a lot of angry people. I can't do anything about that. My government has a lot of angry people.  Just like your government. You want to be president you need crazy people's vote. I need. You need."

Ob

"True enough. But the nuclear thing."

Ro

"Ah, the nuclear thing. I knew you were going to bring that up."

Ob

"Like a boner on a honeymoon-"

Ro

"Once it comes up it ain't going away. We all understand this."

Ob

"Any ideas?"

Ro

"So you, Bammy, have thousands of nuclear weapons, on missiles, in planes, submarines and artillery shells and you're afraid we're going to make a couple of fat boys."

Ob

"We have them so we don't have to use them,"

Ro

"Right. You explain to people of Japan. So we need same. We need them so we won't use them."

Ob

"You have Russia to cover your ass."

Ro

"We have Pooty. Pooty is our umbrella. Soon as Pooty goes anything goes. And Israel still has."

Ob

"We need you to follow the treaty."

Ro

"First you make Israel follow treaty. When Israel follows and inspectors find all their nukes then we agree."

Ob

"Ain't gunna happen."

Ro

"Ancient Israel was around for maybe four grandfathers, five at most. And this was before Mohamed. Then they come back after Hitler's killed and want it back. This is like a postman who knocked on your door and asked to use the bathroom. You let him. Forty years later he's retired. No bag. No uniform. He knocks on your door again and claims your bathroom is his because he took a dump there forty years ago."

Ob

"But JC was born there."

Ro

"JC was a very great prophet, the Koran gives him much praise, but he was a Roman Jew not an Israeli Jew."

Ob

"They ain't going away, Haas."

Ro

"This is why we need nuclear bomb. Pooty comes. Pooty goes. Even if Israel gives up all its nukes they still have you. Who Iran got?"

Ob

"Iran has Israel coming for them. Believe it or not, I'm the best friend you've got."

Ro

"I have Revolutionary Guard. You have Tea Party. I can't control Revolutionary Guard. Can you control Tea Party? And then you have Benji. Benji says Iran threatens Israel and all he does is threaten Iran."

Ob

"Well, your predecessor Afterdinnerjacket said something about wiping Israel out."

Ro

"He was Revolutionary Guard. I'm liberal. Do I hold you to what Bushy said?"

Ob

"This is all a tease, Hass, which is fine since I'm outside your neighborhood but pretty soon Benji is going to demand you put out or he'll put you out."

Ro

"What's your point, Bammy?"

Ob

"Even the American people realize that there is nothing I or anyone in our gang can do to control this. Things are crazy right now-"

Ro

"You don't have to tell me."

Ob

"I'm glad we're talking but there is nothing I can do if there isn't some action soon."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Green Eggs And Cruz

In a 21 hour filibuster speech Senator Cruz of Texas held up the chamber's vote on the House Budget Bill without ever really explaining why he doesn't like green eggs and ham. In the guise of reading to his daughters via CNN, Senator Cruz read Dr. Seuss's entire manifesto on intellectualism and demagoguery creating a new homosexual communist world order. 

Senator A

"I knew Senator Cruz was a communist but I didn't know he was gay."

Senator B

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay but I had no idea he was a communist."

Senator C

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay and a communist but I never suspected he could read."

Senator D

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay, communist and literate but I didn't know he was Jewish."

Senator E

"I wanted to hear The Cat in the Hat."

Senator F

"I'm a little wary of the eggs they serve in the Senate Dining Hall."

Senator G

"I don't eat anything green. Period."

Senator H

"I don't eat anything green and anything that can't scream."

Senator I

"Sam I am is one of my constituents and what a lot of people don't realize is that he raises pigs and chickens."

Senator J

"The green eggs are intellectuals and academics (eggheads) without any real world experience and the hams are the politicians and talking heads spouting their ignorance in the media. The box Sam I am won't eat them on is television and the fox he refuses as a dining companion is Fox News.  Since most people read their papers or listen to the radio in the morning they're pretty much our national breakfast."

Senator 

"Cruz said something about health care but it only distracted from egg story."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Emancipation

Dear Friends,

Some of you are familiar with my views on prostitution. I have never viewed it as amoral and believe it should be legal. Many marriages and relationships are prostitution and given an empty respectability for their real or portrayed monogamy. Like Prohibition and the War on Drugs, this situation has simply empowered the worst elements of national and international criminality. Our legal system has only facilitated sex trafficking and "white" slavery by punishing the victims while letting go the customers who in some instances are shamed by having their names published for needing sex. It wasn't until the end of the Clinton Administration that the Justice Department began to look into the enslavement and rape for profit that has ruined the lives of tens of thousands of young people every year. The JD under the Bush Administration admirably began addressing this horror movie reality as a priority.

But the FBI are not the ones who bust whore houses. Local authorities in the vast majority of states follow local laws and end up arresting and imprisoning kidnapped boys, girls and women, treating them as criminals rather than victims. They do not rescue them.

This has been of special concern to me as an American. I love the writing and sentiment of the Declaration of Independence but feel that it was a crock of shit. I would have never signed the Constitution of the United States. We did not even begin to drag toward anything anyone could call freedom and liberty until the most important battle of our Civil War, the fight for the Thirteenth Amendment (beautifully portrayed in the recent film "Lincoln").

Not only in my country but in my hometown and adopted city slavery has been allowed to continue. Locking up and deporting rape victims, many of whom are not welcomed back to their former homes, has done nothing to hurt the business model of the sex slave trade which discards their victims after a few years as their market value (youth and beauty) are quickly consumed. 

Finally, New York state, the immigrant state to this day, is addressing this injustice. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/26/nyregion/special-courts-for-human-trafficking-and-prostitution-cases-are-planned-in-new-york.html?hp&_r=0

Hopefully this initiative will prove successful and a model for the rest of the country.

I apologize for this piece's lack of humor, which though perfectly valid and often more effective in communicating the essence of an issue, but I wanted you all to be aware of a little noted change in a part of our society that could prove to be a small but very real turning point in this country's unending struggle to manifest its highest ideals.    

Don Arrup

Author of Satire1

Rice Putin

President Obama in his primetime address to the nation last Tuesday used the phrase "American Exceptionalism" to explain why his speech clarified nothing about his plans to address the Syrian government's use of chemical weapons on their own population. The consensus among talking heads and louder asses was that he was using AE to denote the country's unique origin and circumstances rather than the neo-conservative notion of United States superiority. 

"American Exceptionalism" was originally coined by Joey Steel (Joseph Stalin) in a letter chastising American communists for excusing our country from the greater historical forces that plague the rest of the world. He sent the letter in 1928, one year before the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression that followed proved he was right. 

Before the inspection/destruction joke was offered, Russia's president Vladimir Putin wrote an Op Ed piece in the New York Times taking issue with Obama's vague utterances. Putin, a former KGB agent, probably had the speech decoded into something intelligible enough to argue with. As Obama's speech and Putin's rebuttal stole the front pages through the weekend, Satire1 took to the streets and corridors of power to find out if anyone anywhere has any idea what they are talking about besides just bombing Syria into the Stone Age.

Senator Zee

"I think ole Joe is still running Russia. Don't they have his brain in some bowl all wired up to a gabbaphone?"

Tex Mexas

"Obama said he was going to bomb Syria because the evidence is clear that the children and old people we kill with our bombs don't suffer."

Kelly Cockroach

"This government and its citizens have been using chemical weapons against my species for over a hundred years and nobody says nothing."

Governor Heep

"Rootin Tootin Putin is just trying to confuse the American people with his clear argument and prose. It's a dirty communist trick."

Tori Pone

"You have Hezbollah on the government's side fighting Al Qaeda on the rebel's side. Doesn't that mean they're both our allies now?"

Senator John McCain

"I told the president we should have armed the rebels before we found out who they were. Now we look stupid."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who's Driving The Bus?

As unseasonal heat returns to the streets of ole New York, elections, like adolescent erections, have popped up, primaries for the parties, liar's poker on a billion dollar scale. The whole damn Apple is up for sale. Who wants to take the blame for the next four years?

At the United Nations, Russia plays roulette with chemical weapons. Obama tap dances on Republican faces. The public doesn't want war. Washington will give them more. Arab Spring, Rebel's Summer and Washington's Fall.

As China goes on hacking, Big Oil continues fracking, Americans drive cars made by Welfare corporations like our adopted industrial farms all financed by banks using Uncle Sam's credit card.

Damn it's hot. The city's an August parking lot. I want beer, bikini'd women and a beach to park my rear. But Labor's weekend's come and gone. The end of summer's song. And it's back to work if you have it again.

Don Arrup

Satire1