State of Grandstand

Biden squints like he forgot his glasses. Fears they make him look older? He looks like an unwrapped mummy. He’s not the white mummy. He’s the silver mummy. Everybody was there. Everybody except Golden Boy. The big Florida Orange from Queens, NYC.

The President was explaining to the American electorate what idiots they are not to see how great they have it.  “The poorest farmer in Appalachia today has a better television set than George Washington, our first president and the richest man in the country in his day. And today’s soda jerk has better health care than George Washington, our first president with wooden teeth, bled to death on his death bed to death. George Washington.”

“He was in Washington before me. In fact, I suspect, it’s called Washington because of George. If it isn’t it should be. I mean that.”

“I’m old. Old. Got that, man. And the other asshole is like ten minutes not as old as I am. I won’t say he’s younger because there’s nothing young about him- or me. Usually the American people are choosing between Daddies or a Mommy and a Daddy. This year the American people are choosing between Grandpas. 

“When I first came to this chamber there was no internet- so I got Al Gore to invent one. My Republican colleagues told me it couldn’t be done. Even some Democrats. They said we had about as much of a chance to connect computers over phone lines as there was putting a man on the moon. And in my next term I’ll put a woman on the moon- with a phone!”  

“Soon, we’ll be talking about making the Moon the 51st state!”

“Why not? This is America. You disagree with that? The Republicans think the Moon is just another federal government overreach instead of the greatest opportunity this nation has had since the Louisiana Purchase.”

“And it won’t hardly cost us a thing. Private companies and billionaires are going there. They can pay their own way and do. NASA will sherif the whole enterprise. Soon, you can promise your fiancé the Moon and then give her a piece of it. And everybody wants a piece. Come on. Who are you trying to kid?

“You don’t want a piece? Then what do you want? Oh, that’s right. You want Trump. He was a rabbit in a previous life. You know that. It’s all over his face. Especially between the eyes and nose. Father Pope Francis Catholic Priest explained the whole situation to me when I made a state visit to Disneyland. I loved the Sistine Chapel ride.”

“I’m old. Got that, guy? And the other asshole is like ten minutes. I won’t say he’s younger because there’s nothing about him and me. Choosing between Daddies or a Mommy and a Daddy. This year the American people are choosing between Grandpas. And you don’t like it. And I don’t like it and neither does the other Grandpa. Vladimir and Xi and Ayatollah what’s his beard are coming for your ass. Wake up!”

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

Nikki Haley's Town Hall History Lessons

Local Voter

Are you an Indian?

NH

I am an American, born and raised, as proscribed in the Constitution. My parents came here from Punjab, India, which, like America, used to be a British colony. 

Cow Face

How can you be a Native American if your parents are from someplace else?

Small hat big head

India broke from England because their leader was a naked guy. Why did we break away from England? Washington always wore clothes and the British spoke English. 

NH

King George and the Parliament were taxing the American Colonists exactly like President Biden and the Democrats are taxing the American people today.

Pillow Butt

Didn’t we have a war on the southern border before the Civil War?

NH

Yes, it was the Mexican American War which for over a hundred and fifty years we thought we had won. Then under the direction of President Obama and more recently President Biden that conclusion we had made turned out to be just not true anymore.

High Cheekbones

How did we get mixed up in European War War Two?

NK

Japanese tourists trashed our then protectorate now 50th state Hawaii so bad one weekend that fires broke out and a large number of buildings, docks and ships were damaged or destroyed. 

High Cheeks

Hitler won’t Japanese.

NK

No, but he was friends with the Japanese. 

High C

How come Hitler hated Jewish people?

NK

He didn’t like their hats. 

HC

Nobody does. I don’t think even Jewish people don’t like their hats neither.

NH

Just one of the reasons it was never easy to be Jewish.

Razor Eyes

How did we get hooked into Korea? 

NH

We got involved in their civil war. 

RE

Why did we do that?

NH

We were fighting an idea.

RE

What idea?

NH

Communism.

RE

Is the Korean civil war over?

NH

Civil wars are never over. Just look at our own.

RE

How bout the idea? How about Communism? Putin’s a king. China’s more capitalist than we are. Nobody gives a shit about Vietnam or Cuba.

NH

Ideas are never over. You can burn books, close libraries, politicize education but once an idea gets out there it never really goes away. Bad ideas travel the fastest. Fear and Hate have their own fuel. Good ideas have to slug it out every goddamn inch of the way. And maybe some don’t make it. Maybe because they demand immediate pain or giving up something we never earned.

Flat Face

Like the right to own human beings?

NH

Good example. 

Flat Face

What caused our civil war?

NH

The south didn’t like the Lincoln’s hat.

Don Arrup

Satire1  

  

Kissing vs Coitus

In 2015, the University of Nevada and Indiana University concluded that less than half of our species kiss. Generally, in more developed countries oral oral sex (as opposed to oral genital sex) is equated with romance and the avenue to genital sex. Many less developed cultures (and most of humanity) find it distasteful to disgusting.

This year, a wife and husband professors couple in Denmark found evidence that kissing had been portrayed in sacred literature a thousand years earlier than suspected. The kiss was not part of the approach or foreplay to coitus but its postscript. 

Imagine if kissing, our first intimate step, were to move to the other end of sexual encounters and coitus considered the least intimate and opening step.

First dates might end in a good night boink (many do anyway). Elvis Priestly would have sung of Copulating Cousins. There would be the Tap of Death and instead of kissing someone off you bang them off.

Potential problems with some phrases might cause confusion:

Blowing a bone

Do you shag your mother with that mouth?

Bang it and make it better

Sealed with a screw

Steal a score

Make Whoopie and up

What the hell? It’s Valentine’s Day. So if you want to get down to a horizontal bango tango to ride the baloney pony as you mount bonk boff lay tumble your new hook up today’s your day! 

A word from the author on the word Coitus. Coitus is the proper term but only for the sexual intercourse of married or established couples. Coit- Us. The action that defines us as a couple and makes us us. The proper term for singles, wolves and hoes doing it is Coit- Is because the act meant nothing and just is.

Happy Valentine’s Day from

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

The Middle Beast

Everybody’s got to live somewhere. My grandparents came across the Atlantic to here. I never experienced the prejudice they did. The Red Monkey Irish like Italians and other Papists and even Jews slowly faded into the mass of  Protestants from Europe referred to generally as white people. 

Not that our tribalism disappeared. I knew the ethnic background and religion of every kid in my alley in my home town of Baltimore in the land of Mary, the former Catholic colony. My parents grew up in the city of Brotherly Love a hundred miles north founded by Quakers. The line between those two states was drawn in the greatest blood letting this nation has yet to experience. Don’t let anyone bullshit you, the only state’s right at issue was the freedom to own another human being.

We survived it- so far- and we’ve an election later this year. I hope every eligible citizen casts their ballot and we’ll get exactly what we voted for.

That’s what happened half way round the world. The Pals voted in Ham Ass which is dedicated to the destruction of their enveloping neighbor Is It Real. The Realists or Unrealists, depending on your point of view, met this move by voting in more aggressive leadership who empowered their (un)settlers to further encroach on the Pals land. 

Is it God’s fault or Allah’s? Both the Pals and IsRealists were promised the area by their Maker. Both peoples have been there for centuries. The Isrealists were chased away many times but never completely. The Pals mostly came up from the big peninsula spreading their religion by the sword. They should have known better. If the Romans couldn’t get rid of Isrealists, nobody could. 

So now there is once again a Holy War. Does it look holy to you? Holy Hell. It just looks like what it is: war. To argue who are the indigenous people on that patch of sand is insanity. It is and has been the most disputed sandbox in the history of our species.

The chosen leaders on both sides need each other. Both lead through fear and hatred. Without their extremism and that of their opponents they would wither into inconsequence. Perhaps there could have already been two states by now had not both sides murdered their own most effective peacemakers years ago.

To extremists, moderation and compromise are treason and apostasy.

There is no effective middle in the Middle East. The middles of both sides handed the reins over to their extremists and the Middle East has returned to being the Middle Beast with no end in sight.

Hope that doesn’t happen here.

Don Arrup

Satire1

2023 Ain't Sparing Anybody Schedule

Fox Fright Night Lineup

8pm     Motion to Vacate

10pm   Horn of the RINO

12am    IRS

2am      Abort This Issue

4am      Her

MSNBC Monster Marathon

8pm      80

10pm     Border Crossings

12am     Everything Still Sucks

2am       Him

4am       Town Hall Massacre 

***** Halloween

Don Arrup

Satire1 

 

Riddle Me This

RIDDLE ME THIS

What millionaire takes an abandoned orphan, makes him his ward and then dresses him up in white tights, green hot pants, yellow cape and black mask to go out and look for baddies?

Answer:

“I’m sorry. It seems I can’t get it up for pussies.” 

Later that evening in another part of Gotham:

“No, thank you. I appear to already be sufficiently fucked.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

Just Admissions

With the Supreme Court about to pontificate on the fate of race based Affirmative Action college admission offices throughout the nation are scrambling to redefine their missions and recalibrate their selection processes.

Satire1 has been interviewing the admission offices of colleges and universities both public and private, prestigious and obscure, unaffordable and fuhgaddaboutit on the recent adjustments to their admission criteria. 

Harvard

“One of the reasons we have the best faculty privilege and extortion can buy is that professors want their children or grandchildren to come here. Between that and legacy applicants we pretty much keep it in the family.”

Yale

“Every prospective student who applies here has straight A’s and some aren’t even Asian. Rival Harvard is in the chic suburb of New England’s cultural center while we’re stuck in New Haven which isn’t new and was never a haven. That’s why our students walk around with a big Y on their chests.”

Johns Hopkins

“Honestly, anybody can be a doctor. Hippocrates didn’t even know how to play golf. But if we have to admit that to a Senate Sub Committee in front of the whole nation physicians aren’t going to be able to charge as much.”

New York University

“The hipsters complain that we’ve turned Greenwich Village into a colony of China but we have never discriminated against anyone whose check clears.”

Duke

“If you need financial aid we show no favoritism or prejudice. But you might consider getting your head out of a book and into the lap of one of the deans.”

U of Miami, Ohio 

“If you can find us and pay up you’re in.”

MIT

“We only show undergrads how to take things apart. If you want to know how to put something together we do have a world class doctoral program.”

Georgia Tech

“We stopped looking at grades, SATs, references and giving interviews after Covid. For matriculation we put you in a room with just your phone, a toaster and an erector set and ask you to build us a robot that can give good back rubs.”

Princeton 

“Lisa Kudrow, you know, the bubble headed masseuse on Friends went here. She can come back if she wants. We don’t want anyone else.”

University of Chicago

“We had another valedictorian march in here and declare she wanted to study linguistics. So I asked her is blow job one word or two. She didn’t know the answer but nodded long enough to get herself in and me off.”

Oberlin College

“We are a nondiscriminatory, progressive, woke, broke and toke institution. Anyone who can speak and read English at a fourth grade level and signs over half their future life earnings is welcome.

Reed College

“We object to Oberlin’s racist, sexist, ageist, classist, elitist policy. We categorically reject any prospective student who can speak or read any language as all forms of literacy are the very foundation of inequality.”

Standford

“What she said.” 

U of Las Vegas

“The only fair and equitable admission procedure is by blind lottery. Two hundred bucks and two nights paperwork. A separate lottery for scholarships and dorm assignments- but you can’t afford those.”

University of Baltimore

“Huh?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in memory of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible. 

Don Arrup

Satire1