In a galaxy not so far away
Haircut
Vice President Harass, are Americans better off today than they were when you took office?
Harass
“Thank you Haircut, for that question. I grew up in a middle class immigrant home. My father taught Marx and Hitler while my mother was a homemaker and weekend liberal terrorist. So I decided to go to law school and prosecute everything that moved in northern California until I incarcerated the city of San Francisco.
Haircut
Vice President Harass, who- if anyone- did you have to blow in order to get your opportunities?
Harass
“Practically everybody. This Heels Up Harass meme makes me sound lazy. I worked my way up to Sacramento and back to Berkley on my knees doing the same thing my opponent, Rump, did and the only difference is I was blowing millionaires while Silver Spoon was blowing billionaires.”
Haircut
Former President Rump, you have eleven seconds to respond.
Rump
“This was all before she became a black woman and I became an orange man.”
Haircut
Vice President?
Harass
“Excuse me but I attended the nation’s leading HBCU and am a lifelong sister in Gamma Gamma Whamma Bamma.
Haircut
Former President Rump?
Rump
“She went to Howard University on a minority scholarship because she is an Indian Woo Woo Woo and Haitian as in Hate Nation. I’m not going to deny the blowjobs. I’m a business man. It seals more deals than your brother whacks off, okay. I’ll need a pillow but I get the deal done.”
Haircut
Vice President Harass?
Harass
You don’t know how many orifices you have until you work in Washington.
Hairdo
Mr. Rump?
Rump
You could address me as Former President Rump or, if you were honest- as current President Rump.
Hairdo
Rump, Public Intellectual and Adult Film Entertainer Story Devils has intimately studied your crowd size and hinted that it might not be—
Rump
I do not think it is proper to talk about my crowd size in public because it is the public. It’s the people and we the people in order to create a more perfect sandwich or burger.
Hairdo
I think Ms. Devils was referring to the hot dog.
Rump
You mean frankfurter? That’s the actual name of the beast. It’s the sausage of Frankfort and we changed the name because we were fighting those people in World War One. If you say dog now the migrants- from prisons, asylums, pottery classes and outer space will come and eat you and your dog. And some of the migrants bring their pets- chickens, bird flu infected roosters raping our chickens laying demon eggs. Disease, rabies, hidden fees. No. No, you shouldn’t bring up my hot dog.
Harass
I’ll bring up your hot dog and then slap it in a bun.
Rump
If it’s your bun then the mustard’s on me.
Haircut
How about Chili, Former President?
Rump
Maybe. Maybe chili, chili with beans, vegan, Reagan. What the hell ever happened to Hormel? When did some Democrat take over the company and turn it into Horny Hell?
Haircut
That happened during your administration.
Harass
My ass itches.
Rump
You’ve had three and a half years to scratch it. Why haven’t you scratched your ass?
Harass
I was afraid that in the process I’d scratch your face.
Rump
And you scratch like a cat, lady. She’s a childless cat lady. Turn off the lights. I swear her eyes glow in the dark.
Haircut
An overwhelming majority of former election opponents described the Vice President as more of a biter than a scratcher and you yourself invited the Vice President to bite you in more than one of your small rallies.
Rump
None of my rallies are small. Even the one I held in the elevator coming up to this floor was attended by countless, adoring, loyal followers who would take a bullet for me whereas Harass’ followers only show up for as long as the pizza and kegs are still going. Cat Lady. Cat Lady don’t go to Ohio or you will be eaten by the millions of migrants you invited into our country.
Harass
A blindfolded lady holding scales and a sword let them in. They were invited by a woman holding a torch in your hometown’s harbor.
Rump
Justice is bought and Liberty takes in too many liberties.
Hairdo
Former Reality Show Star Rump, if elected, what is the first thing you’re going to do for the American people once you are through with your revenge rampage?
Rump
I’ll end the tax on tips.
Harass
So will I.
Rump
I won’t tax overtime.
Harass
If I can get it through Congress.
Rump
Okay, tough girl, you think you’ve sewn up the women’s vote. I won’t tax shoes. Let the manufacturing countries pay the duty. Its their duty.
Harass
And start a war with Paris and Italy?
Rump
We’re already at war with Paris and Italy. They spank us with tariffs-
Harass
You’re mansplaining this to me?
Rump
A lot of women get goofy about these sort of things. Like men are with guns and cars.
Harass
And crowd size. It’s not the shoes but the places we have to go and the things we have to do and still look good.
Rump
I couldn’t approach you with my hand out when we entered because you are sorta maybe Vice President of the United States of America and you’re wearing a pair of Fuck Me shoes.
Harass
Correction. These are titanium tipped four inch stiletto heeled Fuck You shoes.
Rump
My Veep Dence thought he was going to wear his Blow Me Boots once to a fundraiser.
Harass
And what did you do, oh great and unimpeachable critic?
Ramp
I spanked him with his family Bible.
Harass
Until they came to hang him?
Ramp
Until he admitted that pregnancy can enslave a woman.
Harass
And sometimes even kill her.
Ramp
So let’s kill the baby.
Haircut
Vice President Harass; Former President Rump; with all due respect, you are both dangerously close to holding a frank discussion concerning a real issue that is of great importance to the American people.
Hairdo
We are here to remind you that this is a and may be the only presidential debate and the viewing audience is praying for a back alley cat and dog fight.
Haircut
Bitch slapping , ego spanking, mud slinging, lying, cheating Saturday Night Live sketch.
Hairdo
If you want to really start talking to each other rather than at each other then you two are going to have to take it to Public television.
No End
Don Arrup
Satire1
