Dear Uncle Samta 09

I need a new decade. I wore this one out. Got a job. Got a better job. Got no job. Maxed out my credit card. Bought a house. Bought some stock. Was rich like twice. More broke now than I’ve been since I was a kid. Lost my hair, some teeth and the ability to read anything after sundown. My toes are down here somewhere. Ate too much shit. Took too much crap. Never got laid but was screwed with great frequency. Paid taxes. Saw doctors. Watched TV. Made friends on the Internet. My ass itches; more now than in any other time in my life. I hope that’s a good sign.

I need stimulus. Young beaver. Silver dollar pancakes. Row boat. A guy with a big hat and big beard to go fishing with. A retired porn star wife who makes beer. She doesn’t have to clean the house. Leave it a mess. My life’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’ll feel at home.

Obama’s been boss for almost a year and not a phone call or an email. I don’t think he’s asking about me. Anyone who knows me would tell me if Obama was asking about me. It’d be like a big deal or something. Invites total strangers to his parties. I don’t even have a record player.

Movies suck. It’s all eye drug and haemoid ice cream. Music’s worse. I freely admit that half the music I enjoyed was noise. Now it’s all noise. An angry hobo screaming at you about shit while you’re laying on the floor of a speeding boxcar.

TV’s all mean people and assholes. I can’t tell if I’m watching a reality show or a cartoon. The only thing more ridiculous and unreal is the News. And it’s a whole different world on every network. Thank god I never sesame to cable.

Young people post photo albums of every moment of youth I’m trying to forget. I expect people under thirty to be depressed, obsessed and psychotic but most of them just look concerned. They look like they’ll be middle-aged in like ten minutes. They scare me, even more than when I was young.

Looks like we have seasons again. Missed them. A cold puddle followed by a big puddle, hot concrete and finally the trees littering. I’d go to the park but I usually step in dog shit.

Happy New Decade

Don Arrup
Satire1

Take My Vote. Please

Senate Majority Leader Reid claims to have sixty senators willing to vote in favor of ending the debate on the bill that no one has read but everyone has bled. Below are democratic senators from around the country on exactly what bribe they demanded.

“I told Harry he’s got to take my mother in law off my hands. He lives two blocks away from me. His wife doesn’t work and is known for her foot rubs. I told him you want my vote I want my life. She can visit us anytime I’m not home. I’ll pay top rent dollar but your wife’s got to feed her and pretend to listen to her sometimes. Otherwise, you’ll wish you were in the Senate.”

“The people of my state need to get laid. I don’t care what it takes: legalizing prostitution, marijuana or gay marriage. I tell them sex is green. I tell them it is the only adult activity we haven’t taxed yet. I tell them it burns calories and aids sleep. A hand job and a bowl of ice cream is Saturday night in our capital. We can’t do anything to protect farm animals. Half our National Guard is in Iraq while our wool and dairy industries are being sodomized.”

“The people of my state aren’t sick. I’ve been in every hospital in my state and everybody’s just having babies or too damn old or did something stupid.
They have pills for everything. If you’re a senior we almost cover it. If not then the pharmacist is going to step around the counter and pull your pants off. Your wallet won’t cover it. Wear a long coat. This bill mentions that problem. I’ve been promised that.”

“I want the Super Bowl in our state. At least once a decade. Hell, we have a stadium you can bang your wife in but in the Hollywood Football League if you’re not on the coast or belly of this country you don’t exist.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

All For Joe

President Obama responded to the Health Care debate:

Of course Joe is going to get his way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Joe is the way. I ran for the Office of the President of the United States in order to serve Joe. Every decision I make is ultimately weighed on a single scale: What’s good for Joe.

Now, I can’t take all the credit. The House of Representatives and the Senate have been working tirelessly to put on a show to dramatize the inevitable outcome. Way to go Joe.

Now Joe isn’t related to the plumber. They’re just both Joes. If there is any relation through family or organization I am totally unaware of it. The plumber lost anyway. Joe won. Joe always wins.

God bless Joe. Thank you.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama In Plain English

Afghanistan is f**ked up. It was before I took office and has been getting more f**ked up ever since. So we’re going to kick some ass. The Taligang has gotten bigger so I’m sending in more boots. They’re not staying forever. We’re kicking ass and then handing it over to the locals. Tell them we’ll send you some money. Keep a couple of our wise guys to talk to you. You do the bleeding and dying. Its your home not ours.

All of their neighbors are trouble. Some have nukes and some are developing nukes. And they all hate each other. The Osama gang is working the whole neighborhood and looking to trouble us. They’ve troubled us in the past and we’ve had enough of it.

Now it’s going to suck for a while. And even if we get everything out of this caper that we want it’s still going to suck. So the question is do we shrink the gun they’re pointing at us or do we keep losing over there or pull our people home and suck the big one soon.

How are we going to pay for all this? I say since we’re the biggest dog there we demand our cut of the corruption. A percentage of the heroin trade alone would pay for Afghanistan and Iraq.

And I know a lot of my critics have been complaining about my administration having our hand up our butt over this for weeks but we had to first figure which hand it was so we knew we were smelling the right fingers. I think we have a pretty good idea now. So you can all sleep better now knowing that the war, death and debt will go on.

Don Arrup
Satire1

No Thanks Giving 09

Satire1 asks all of its readers who are still employed to direct their charitable contributions to Bank of America in Charlotte, North Carolina so that they may continue their important lobbying effort to block consumer protections from becoming law. Our failure to properly fund this cause could result in a reduction of multi-million dollar bonuses so needed by the people who stole your children’s future.

I don’t know where to send the troops. The whole world terrifies me.

People are starting to pull 2010 on me. I don’t believe in 2010 yet. I can’t see the end of 2009. I haven’t survived it.

A rose by any other name would not smell as sweet. It’d smell like feet.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Lobbyists Versus Activists

I tend to fear lobbyists less than activists. Lobbyists just want to rob us. Activists want to tell us how to live. Now, it is true that the robbing lobbyists do tends to be perpetual. The hand goes in our pockets and never comes out. I consider it just another not being rich tax.

Activists, on the other hand (the one not in your pocket), want to have us by the throat. They want to tell us what we can do with our bodies, who we can marry, what we can ingest, where we can smoke and which human needs are legitimate and which are socialist.


Lobbyists bribe. Activists cry.
Lobbyists write checks. Activists write letters.
Lobbyists burn in Hell. Activists make our lives Hell.

*Readers are invited to add their comparisons through the Comment Function.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Afghan Corruption A Bargain By Wahsington Standards

Administration officials admitted yesterday that efforts to control corruption in the Afghan government of President Hamid Karzai have failed but noted that Kabul still remains a bargain when compared to Washington.

“In Washington the banking and financial industry have to spend $8000 per congressman to continue to rob the country. In Afghanistan you can own a legislator for a tenth of that.”

Obama defended President Karzai’s policies. “What our critics are calling corruption I call revenue. We can’t stop their drug trade but the bribes at least act as a tax on Afghanistan’s only thriving industry besides death. If you want to attract quality people to their government service then you do what Wall Street does to hold on to the best and the brightest. You let them steal.”

“When Halliburton and the other thieves go into a village the wash of your tax dollars acts as a economic stimulus. The American people have to accept that the only functioning economy Afghanistan has is drugs, mercenaries, terrorism and rugs. Rampant corruption assures that not all of the aid we send will end up in Karzai’s pocket as he jets out of the country the moment we pull our support and his shamocracy collapses.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Gay Couples Stealing Straight Babies

Reports are pouring in from states that recognize same sex marriage that gay couples are stealing the babies of heterosexual couples. The Federal Bigot Bureau does not keep statistics for cross sexual preference kidnapping but members of Congress are considering making the abduction of children by gay couples a federal crime.

“These gay couples are taking later born children from straight couples who they deem have more than their share and can not properly provide higher educational opportunities for,” said Matrix Opem of the FBI. “The feeling in the gay community is that children raised without a liberal arts education could grow up conservative and breed voters.”

“Sure there are some gay couples that steal babies from straight couples but most, like my partner and I, steal their babies from other gay couples. I don’t know where the lesbians got our baby but she has a very well decorated home now,” said Hiram Lebcowski, spokesperson for the Give Me Your Straight Baby Coalition. “Everyone knows sperm donation is rape and we would rather die than have our baby brought up by rapists.”

“Of course gay people steal babies from straight couples. We’re godless perverts who live to corrupt the very fabric of civilization and improve fashion sense,” said Miriam Chalk of the Lesbian Cradle Robbers Union. “We’re raising children who will not see oral sex as a favor but as a right. If the public has a problem with it let them have a plebiscite. They’re voting on whether we’re human beings or not. Let the people take up this issue as well.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Option Optional

Again Satire1 goes to the United States Senate to inquire how the so-called Public Option or the federal government’s alternative choice to private health insurance is coming along in the new health care reform bill.

“Well, as I see it, the Senate has three options. They can opt for the Public Option for all Americans, opt for the states to decide if they want to offer the option or offer no Public Option at all. I think we should opt to allow states the option whether to offer a public option but if it costs money I’m against it.”

“These bills are so complex and I have three bills in front of the Finance Committee. Thank god the lobbyists have already made up their minds.”

“Whatever the American people have been scared into believing will at the end of the day prevail.”

“I can’t bail out the big insurance companies again and face my electorate. So let the companies soak the taxpayers directly then taxes won’t seem so bad.”

Don Arrup
Satire1