Article 1 Section 2 of The Constitution of the United States calls for a enumeration of the populace every ten years in each of the States to determine the amount of Congresspersons to be elected to the House of Representatives. The data is only released in a statistical form while personal information of respondents is protected by regulation, law and the integrity of the Census Bureau employees. Personal information can be released 72 years after collection but until that time it can not be viewed by anyone outside the Bureau even the FBI and Immigration authorities. The statistical information is important in the distribution of Federal and State funds for infrastructure and services and to have any idea of just what the hell is actually going on with we the people on the most basic level.
Experience the truly rare moment of equality as you are acknowledged as a human being that dwells among us within the borders of these United States. Fill out and mail without charge your Census form and remember that you are Uncle Sam or Aunt Samantha. Stand up and be counted.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Don't Care Bill
After a sweeping backroom grand compromise between Republican and Democratic leadership both houses of Congress unanimously passed the Don’t Care Bill effectively making the occurrence of illness in the uninsured a federal crime. Obama immediately held a press conference promising to sign.
“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”
“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”
“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”
“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”
“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”
“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”
“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”
“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”
“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”
“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”
“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, March 12, 2010
Investment Planning For The Terminally Ill
Okay, let’s say you have three months to live. How can you make your retirement fund stretch comfortably to summer in our imploding economic times? Here are a few simple tips to make your golden spring a lasting one.
First, no treasury bills. You will almost certainly outlive the American dollar. Forget the Euro. It’s already dropping faster than your pants. Greece and Spain are as doomed as New York and California. You’ll be glad you’re not alive when they hit the fan. So forget about anything that is issued by a government.
The Stock Market, on any exchange, is a computer game and the game is over. Gold is too heavy and you won’t be able to give away silver or precious stones except to children if there still are any.
Real Estate is generally frowned upon. Climatic changes are accelerating. By next week hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes will be considered mild weather. Buy caves. Caves will be the hot market in real estate before the end of April.
Firearms but most of all ammunition will be the currency in the coming months. So I would suggest a four to six hundred to one ratio of ammo to firearm depending on your trigger finger. Those hoping to survive six months should simply purchase, extort and steal all they can get. Though the price of grenades, bazookas and heavy machine guns has skyrocketed this winter they are still a bargain at any price. You have to have a few heavy hitters in your portfolio in order to not be exposed.
But most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, buy some ass. Ass is a good investment in any economic climate and it will help you get your mind off your investments and death.
Don Arrup
Satire1
First, no treasury bills. You will almost certainly outlive the American dollar. Forget the Euro. It’s already dropping faster than your pants. Greece and Spain are as doomed as New York and California. You’ll be glad you’re not alive when they hit the fan. So forget about anything that is issued by a government.
The Stock Market, on any exchange, is a computer game and the game is over. Gold is too heavy and you won’t be able to give away silver or precious stones except to children if there still are any.
Real Estate is generally frowned upon. Climatic changes are accelerating. By next week hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes will be considered mild weather. Buy caves. Caves will be the hot market in real estate before the end of April.
Firearms but most of all ammunition will be the currency in the coming months. So I would suggest a four to six hundred to one ratio of ammo to firearm depending on your trigger finger. Those hoping to survive six months should simply purchase, extort and steal all they can get. Though the price of grenades, bazookas and heavy machine guns has skyrocketed this winter they are still a bargain at any price. You have to have a few heavy hitters in your portfolio in order to not be exposed.
But most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, buy some ass. Ass is a good investment in any economic climate and it will help you get your mind off your investments and death.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Taliban Overruns Alaska
The combined forces of Pakistani and Afghan Taliban along with the powerful Yemenis navy have seized the ports of Juno and Fairbanks and are cleansing the state of board games and harmonicas. The Super TaliYemBan (STY) as the expeditionary force calls itself has not yet declared mission accomplished claiming that they did not come for gold or oil but to capture President Palin.
“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”
Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”
Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”
Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”
President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”
Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.
Don Arrup
Satire1
“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”
Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”
Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”
Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”
President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”
Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sick Summit
Obama addressed the Congressional audience.
“My butt hurts. This legislation has been given me an insufferable pain in my butt. The American people want to know what you are going to do about it?”
Sen. Mack
I have a doughnut but it’s going to cost you.
Rep. Henny
This recession has been a pain in everyone’s butt. If we don’t provide affordable doughnuts to all the American people more citizens will be forced to go to emergency rooms to get their doughnut time.
Rep. Poohba
That will raise the price of everyone’s doughnut. We must be honest with the American people.
Sen. Jacktaw
No, if the market forces you so religiously believe in work at all it should drive down the cost of doughnuts. The market will be more efficient with more butts for more doughnuts.
Sen. Snowball
You need a nurse to assist you in getting a properly fitting doughnut then a therapist to make sure its not cutting off your circulation. There’s a nursing shortage that is exploding in our faces and we still won’t pay experienced nurses to teach nursing students.
Obama
I’ve been sitting on a soaked phonebook taped in a garbage bag. It works pretty well but it’s not a permanent solution. Besides, I already promised the doughnut makers that we wouldn’t press them for a deal for Medicaid or Medicare.
Rep. Haley
Now my butt hurts.
Rep. Twiddle
Are you sure your butt hurts, Mr. President? Have you had your butt cat scanned? It might be a psychological problem. I vote for more tests.
Sen. Twig
Now we all know that God put us on this Earth to make doctors and lawyers millionaires but God was wrong. Only doctors should be millionaires. We must do something about Tort Reform.
Obama
I advise everyone here who was never been a lawyer to vote for Tort Reform.
Rep. Blight
Economists of every stripe agree that the needs of the American people can only be met by a combination of higher taxes and reduced doughnuts. We all know the answer to this problem.
Sen. Cane
Why is it every time we’re fighting two wars, in a near depression, the state governments default and a generational tsunami is about to crash on us you want to raise taxes?
Rep. Blob
Why should we give up anything? Or leave anything in the peoples pockets for the insurance companies and banks to pick?
Obama
Let me see that doughnut.
Don Arrup
Satire1
“My butt hurts. This legislation has been given me an insufferable pain in my butt. The American people want to know what you are going to do about it?”
Sen. Mack
I have a doughnut but it’s going to cost you.
Rep. Henny
This recession has been a pain in everyone’s butt. If we don’t provide affordable doughnuts to all the American people more citizens will be forced to go to emergency rooms to get their doughnut time.
Rep. Poohba
That will raise the price of everyone’s doughnut. We must be honest with the American people.
Sen. Jacktaw
No, if the market forces you so religiously believe in work at all it should drive down the cost of doughnuts. The market will be more efficient with more butts for more doughnuts.
Sen. Snowball
You need a nurse to assist you in getting a properly fitting doughnut then a therapist to make sure its not cutting off your circulation. There’s a nursing shortage that is exploding in our faces and we still won’t pay experienced nurses to teach nursing students.
Obama
I’ve been sitting on a soaked phonebook taped in a garbage bag. It works pretty well but it’s not a permanent solution. Besides, I already promised the doughnut makers that we wouldn’t press them for a deal for Medicaid or Medicare.
Rep. Haley
Now my butt hurts.
Rep. Twiddle
Are you sure your butt hurts, Mr. President? Have you had your butt cat scanned? It might be a psychological problem. I vote for more tests.
Sen. Twig
Now we all know that God put us on this Earth to make doctors and lawyers millionaires but God was wrong. Only doctors should be millionaires. We must do something about Tort Reform.
Obama
I advise everyone here who was never been a lawyer to vote for Tort Reform.
Rep. Blight
Economists of every stripe agree that the needs of the American people can only be met by a combination of higher taxes and reduced doughnuts. We all know the answer to this problem.
Sen. Cane
Why is it every time we’re fighting two wars, in a near depression, the state governments default and a generational tsunami is about to crash on us you want to raise taxes?
Rep. Blob
Why should we give up anything? Or leave anything in the peoples pockets for the insurance companies and banks to pick?
Obama
Let me see that doughnut.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Mad Hatter
Tea Party!
March Hare couldn’t wait through the snow. Got to go. Got to go.
Bailout. Foreclosure. Reform. Deficit. Iraq. Afghanistan.
The Lie that is too big to fail.
Bring gold to the Tea Party. Bring guns and rage. Washington is too far away. Further than London was when our pappies broke away. Richmond couldn’t divorce Washington. It was just a stone’s throw away.
Away.
I don’t disagree with the Tea Party. Rich guys run everything. There is no secret agenda. They want to be richer. Borders are only maintained by race, religion and hate (or indifference in the case of Canada). The entire planet and our Moon will be one McDonald’s franchise before the decade is through. I don’t disagree with the outlook of the Tea Party. I just don’t understand why they didn’t figure it out when they were thirteen.
Every American should read the Constitution if only to see it is not the Bible, Wall Street Journal or New York Times. The Declaration of Independence does not apply. It was a letter of resignation to an insane monarch. All men are created equal but we’re keeping slavery. Women forget it. And there’s nothing about guns in it.
No taxation without masturbation. Sarah Palin reads her hand. The millionaire she ran with didn’t win. It was the whitest guy in the Millionaires Club versus the blackest guy. History was made. A millionaire became President.
I wish Sarah Palin wrote on her thigh. Now that would be some reading.
Don Arrup
Satire1
March Hare couldn’t wait through the snow. Got to go. Got to go.
Bailout. Foreclosure. Reform. Deficit. Iraq. Afghanistan.
The Lie that is too big to fail.
Bring gold to the Tea Party. Bring guns and rage. Washington is too far away. Further than London was when our pappies broke away. Richmond couldn’t divorce Washington. It was just a stone’s throw away.
Away.
I don’t disagree with the Tea Party. Rich guys run everything. There is no secret agenda. They want to be richer. Borders are only maintained by race, religion and hate (or indifference in the case of Canada). The entire planet and our Moon will be one McDonald’s franchise before the decade is through. I don’t disagree with the outlook of the Tea Party. I just don’t understand why they didn’t figure it out when they were thirteen.
Every American should read the Constitution if only to see it is not the Bible, Wall Street Journal or New York Times. The Declaration of Independence does not apply. It was a letter of resignation to an insane monarch. All men are created equal but we’re keeping slavery. Women forget it. And there’s nothing about guns in it.
No taxation without masturbation. Sarah Palin reads her hand. The millionaire she ran with didn’t win. It was the whitest guy in the Millionaires Club versus the blackest guy. History was made. A millionaire became President.
I wish Sarah Palin wrote on her thigh. Now that would be some reading.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saint Valentine's Day Massacred
Righteous Valentine, patron saint of overpriced chocolates and extortion rate roses; of lonely eating ice cream and tear jerk movies; of the fear of forgetful husbands and despondent single women. Your birthday for many is “You’re alone and nobody loves you day.” Yet we celebrate you still.
For men Valentine’s Day is a shake down pure and simple. As children threaten havoc if not candied on Halloween, women stew an ocean of wrath and tears if they are not honored this cold holiday. Children, who adults rule most of the year, deserve the tables turned before all saints feast. Women, who men oppressed but never ruled, deserve sweets and pretties for being the inserted.
Lovers who can be together rejoice. Those who are alone choose to think themselves so. South of what used to be the border today is called Dia de Amor y la Amistad. Day of Love and Friendship.
It is also Chinese New Year. Go Tigers!
Don Arrup
Satire1
For men Valentine’s Day is a shake down pure and simple. As children threaten havoc if not candied on Halloween, women stew an ocean of wrath and tears if they are not honored this cold holiday. Children, who adults rule most of the year, deserve the tables turned before all saints feast. Women, who men oppressed but never ruled, deserve sweets and pretties for being the inserted.
Lovers who can be together rejoice. Those who are alone choose to think themselves so. South of what used to be the border today is called Dia de Amor y la Amistad. Day of Love and Friendship.
It is also Chinese New Year. Go Tigers!
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Roberts Court Reading
We the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect stranglehold, destroy Justice, insure domestic Subservience, provide for the common Enslavement, promote obscene Profit and secure the Blessing of unbridled Lobbying to ourselves and no one who actually works, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.
BILL OF WRONGS
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless it is Evangelical Christian, or prohibit the free exercise thereof including murder, child marriage and the denial of civil rights to queers; or abridging the freedom of speech if speech is understood to be money, or of the press if it is apart of a large syndicate, or the right of industries to menacingly amass and petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State is totally irrelevant to the Second Amendment which allows that anyone who is willing to surrender their vote against all reason to powers who could not give a crap about them can own, carry and threaten their neighbors with whatever weapon of individual or mass destruction they can get their hands on.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects from unreasonable searches and seizures is over and it ain’t coming back, baby.
Don Arrup
Satire1
*Satire1 celebrates its 100th post. Thank you, readers. Both of you.
BILL OF WRONGS
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless it is Evangelical Christian, or prohibit the free exercise thereof including murder, child marriage and the denial of civil rights to queers; or abridging the freedom of speech if speech is understood to be money, or of the press if it is apart of a large syndicate, or the right of industries to menacingly amass and petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State is totally irrelevant to the Second Amendment which allows that anyone who is willing to surrender their vote against all reason to powers who could not give a crap about them can own, carry and threaten their neighbors with whatever weapon of individual or mass destruction they can get their hands on.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects from unreasonable searches and seizures is over and it ain’t coming back, baby.
Don Arrup
Satire1
*Satire1 celebrates its 100th post. Thank you, readers. Both of you.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Dance Of Death
When Potomac High began to plan their Winter Dance Student Council President Oba deferred the details to the student representatives and the senior class committee. Nancy told the reps they could have anything they wanted and Harry told the seniors nothing would happen if they didn’t approve. So Nancy and her group planned an all night buffet cruise while Harry and the seniors feared the money for their Prom would be depleted.
As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.
Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.
“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”
Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.
The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.
Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.
“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”
Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.
The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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