Super Committee Makes Bold Move

The Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction or Super Committee which failed to find a compromise to save the United States from becoming Big Greece set up tents and card tables in Zucotti Park just above Wall Street in an attempt to force the Occupy Wall Street Protesters to come up with some specific demands. The lawmakers who had been appointed by their party leaders expressed frustration and outrage that the mass of recent college graduates and warmed over 60's radicals haven't shown the leadership and direction the country so desperately needs to survive the Great Recession.

"The OWS is in danger of making themselves irrelevent by not offering proposals on how to fix the nation's long term fiscal health." said one Senator who chose annominity to avoid offending lobbyists. "We members of Congress are too enslaved by endless campaigning and special interests while the protesters have the advantages of unemployment and homelessness to enjoy all the freedoms that only America can provide. It is time they grow up and point the way."

"I think the Occupiers are showing a shameless self indulgence and immaturity by refusing to compromise on their dogmas enough to keep the country going," said one Congresswoman terrified of her constituents. "If we can't get leadership from a throng of sex and drug crazed malcontents then we will be forced to turn back to Washington."

"Mayor Bloomberg can not evict us as we have Congressional immunity," said one of the Committee Chairpersons wearing a paper bag over his head. "We are being joined by Ambassadors from other dead beat nations coming over from the UN to demand that the OWS roll up its sleeves and submit something we can vote against,"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Daddy Warbucks' Eyes

I was told when I was two
That even though they had the same eyes
Warbucks was not her Daddy

Big Tuxedo, red dress, bald head, hair nappy

Annie's mom America
Her bounty shared by few
Her children orphaned
Husbands humbled
Horizon a dark blue

The Mideast rumbled
Europe stumbled
Far East rising near

People marched, dogs barked
Tea Party and Zucotti Park
Politicians try to ignite a spark
To light our fall into the dark
No candle to be found anywhere

Eyeless blind we had a ball
Bill came due we'd spent it all
A nation of hollow sockets
Divided by bulging and empty pockets
While rogue states build bombs and rockets
Once admired now they mock us

Hope that left over bird tastes good!
Happy Thanksgiving

Don Arrup
Satire1

GOP Candidates on Penn State Scandal

Satire1 interviewed the Republican Presidential Primary Candidates on the recent accusations of pedophilia by former Penn State Football Coach Jerry Sandusky that led to riots on the Happy Valley campus after the midnight firing of legendary Coach Joe Paterno.

Governor Rick Perry

“It seems this all began back in the Clinton Administration. President Bush was tied up with terrorism and starting wars but as all those problems have been winding down I think the current President could have done more to protect the behinds of our future leaders. “

“Our state gun rights assure there is no pedophilia in Texas but I routinely check the showers and locker rooms at the University of Texas just to be sure.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachman

“What I want to know is where was Mrs. Obama when all this was going down. The Obamas have been living on Pennsylvania Avenue for almost three years so this was practically in their backyard. It is traditionally the First Lady who acts as an advocate for the nation’s children and pushing vegetables on fat kids is only going to make them more attractive to these sick individuals.”

Ambassador Jon Huntsman

“Of course it was a state college. This is just another instance of how government spends your tax dollars raping our children.”

Former House Speaker and College Professor Newt Gingrich

“In academic circles it was just assumed that people become coaches because they are pedophiles.”

Governor Mitt Romney

“I know what I’m about to say is going to be controversial and I’m probably going to get a lot of flack about it from the media but as someone asking the American people for their vote to be their president I feel the public has a right to know. I always kind of liked Joe Paterno.”

Pizza Man Herman Cain

“This is another example of trial by media. Coach Sandusky was probably reviewing the Quarterback/Center exchange in that shower and if anything did happen it is Obama that should be fired not Joepa.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Federal Government Surrenders Power to Occupy Wall Street Protesters

President Obama, House Speaker Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Reid and Chief Justice Roberts formally handed the Constitution and keys to the White House, Congress and Supreme Court over to a CUNY undergraduate in Sociology behind a card table in Lacotti Park today marking the end of the Free Market Capitalist Oligarchy that has ruled the country since its founding.

A guillotine was constructed in the graveyard of Trinity Church at the top of Wall Street to accommodate everyone making over a million dollars in annual income who is not a media star or Warren Buffet. The People’s Bureau of Investigation began arresting banksters and stock robbers as part of a nationwide sweep of anyone who turned a profit since the Great Recession began.

Private property has been abolished and all marriages are voided as the period of genital monopolization ends. The family unit is dismantled and children under the new age of consent (12 years) will be redistributed by lottery to couples demonstrating truly democratic relationships.

All private homes will be demolished as they are the most divisive and unequal element in society. Tents, wigwams and igloos will be the only allowable shelters in the new United Citizens of America. Banks will become free food distribution centers and nursing homes will end their age discrimination and accommodate anyone who has just plain had it.

Schools will stop manufacturing fodder for the heartless industrial poison machine and all institutes of higher learning will become research centers for time and mind travel.

October 31st is the new Independence Day. Every Monday is Memorial Day and Malcolm X’s birthday will replace Martin Luther King’s as a national day of observance.

Barter, seduction and violence will replace Federal Reserve Notes and all other currencies while workers will toil for the satisfaction of knowing they have contributed to the general good.

Legislation pending General Assembly approval:

Everyone is to be painted blue to end racial discrimination

Distribute nuclear arsenal to Third World countries and stateless minorities

Legalize terrorism

Invade Alaska

Recognize Disney World as a sovereign state

Mandate a Star Wars channel

Invite Iraq and Afghanistan to join the Union

Make Satire1 the blog of record

Don Arrup
Satire1

New Jobama Plan

President Obama announced on the White House lawn today that he has just hired over two million people currently behind bars in America as Conviction Demonstrators as part of a sweeping overhaul of the Penal and Housing systems.

Both citizen and foreign prisoners were drafted by executive order into the new Penal Corp and are to remain stationed in their current prison, jail or detention center. Those currently being charged with a crime are considered applicants and will only be hired upon conviction.

President Obama explained:

“Penal Corp participants will be paid the Federal Minimum Wage to cover the rent of their cells and board. This way the whole program pays for itself. It adds nothing to the deficit while creating over two million new jobs. And these are not short-term infrastructure projects but jobs that will last the length of the conviction. For thousands of Americans this will be a lifelong career.”

“My new Penal Corp will not infringe on the sovereignty of state and local prisons. Local laws and work rules still apply as the investments will continue to come from local taxpayers. But all detention centers will be issued PC T-shirts that say ‘This is not my punishment. This is my job.’”

“The new Penal Corp will also address the disproportionate toll the recession has taken on the poor and minorities as most of the hires will be from this group. “

“The Republicans are always saying put more people in jail. I say put more people to work. And if Congress ever gets around to criminalizing homelessness as I have requested we could end this housing crisis before the end of this year or whenever we can build enough children’s prisons.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Phone Bone

We call people up to find out how we are doing. We ask them first so as to not seem insane but what we want to know is how we are. Not feeling well? Hell, how sick are you? I’m feeling better already. Marriage trouble? My husband’s more handsome with every detail. Your mother again? Glad mine’s dead.

We assume a zero sum world of misery. If you feel worse I must feel better. If you are out of luck mine’s just come in. If we are both down then we are a team against the world of friends who dare to enjoy these times.

Parties should be called comparison contests. Men talk vaguely about their jobs, cars and kids measuring their peckers against neighbors and kin. Women wear status and complement décor with inflection that tickles a nipple or pinches it.

Don’t read the paper when you are depressed. It will be too much fun. Celebrities’ miseries are our bounty. Envy avenged. Super models look like crap on Monday mornings. Some even get fat after having kids. Adonis actors slapped with paternity suits. Titans of industry and politics caught with working whores.

What more could you ask for?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Occupy Main Street

The nation’s wealthiest families have taken to the beaches of their private islands vowing to sit in the elements and not return to their homes until the tyrannous 99% stop oppressing them with their demonstrations in Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Braving 86 degree temperatures under bright sunshine which plunge to near 70 at night, American Plutocrats vow to stand up for “The Smallest and Most Oppressed Minority in the United States.”

Claiming to have not received any direct assistance from the federal government as they struggle through the most severe recession since the Great Depression the Plutocrats claim that the massive growth of their slice of the economy has caused them nothing but headaches and social isolation.

“The smart money was already long out of the banks and investment houses before the bubble burst. The government didn’t bail us out. We had already bailed ourselves out.”

“Nobody’s buying islands anymore and the market value of half my mansions has gone down by almost a third. I’m tired of seeing people who’ve lost their $125,000 homes complaining on TV. I’ve lost more than that on the asking price of my classic Bentley,“

“Sure we own Congress but for all the value we’ve gotten on our billions we would have done better to endow a new Monkey House at the National Zoo.”

“The way the national debt and globalization pans out now most Americans actually work for the Chinese. The beauty of it is if you move to China you could work for us.”

“How can this rabble complain about our lobbyists? Somebody has to subsidize the millionaires in Congress who are sacrificing their top robbing years to serve the nation. What do they want? Dumb thieves running this country?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

NYC Puffers Petition UN For Right Of Return

New York City Smokers have presented a petition to the United Nations General Assembly through the French Embassy asking for the right of return as the oppressive Bloomberg regime continues to restrict and harass them. The petition was considered a non-starter before smoking was banned in all city parks, beaches and public spaces in May. Now delegates of former colonial powers are seeing first hand the tyranny imposed on smokers under God’s roof.

Second hand smoke is not the issue as there are no studies to support the danger of being in sight of someone smoking outdoors. City council members claimed that littering was a concern but since there are already laws against this it is irrelevant.

The issue is class warfare and racism. In a city built on the trade of tobacco, where the average day’s air quality is more dangerous than smoking two packs of cigarettes a day anti-smoking hysterics now do not want to see anyone smoking. The question is who smokes?

Statistics show that the less money you make and the darker your skin the more likely it is you are a smoker. Smoking is the poor man’s comfort. Though the mayor’s office has claimed that smoking has decreased in the city they are going by local tobacco sales that are the highest taxed in the country. Even uneducated immigrants have figured out that those taxes can be avoided for a five dollar round trip ride on the Path train to New Jersey. (The New York City and State taxes on one pack amount to more than that,)

As the aging Yuppies who moved to New York from the suburbs found that their money and connections could override the rights of the poorer and more ethnically diverse native New Yorkers smoking laws became a weapon to shape the city to their liking.

Over a decade ago the Yuppies moved en masse to low rent party districts in Manhattan and Brooklyn then pressed to have the bars and restaurants cleared of cigarette smoke while allowing the far more toxic smoke of paraffin table candles to continue. Pushing up the rents on the artists and locals they then besieged their police precincts with complaints of noise. The noise was smokers forced outside to smoke conversing.

Why anyone would move to the East Village, Meat Packing District or Dumbo and expect suburban peace and quiet can only be explained by this group’s unreasonable sense of entitlement or just plain stupidity.

The Yuppies transportation of choice even in the most urban area of the country with the best public transportation system in the world is the SUV or Suburbanite Uber Volt (Suburbanites over the people), which is exempt from EPA standards and is estimated to produce an exhaust 10,000 times more toxic than tobacco smoke. Car exhaust, unlike tobacco smoke, does not dissipate but remains part of the air we all breath until it rains heavily.

So as children are less and less exposed to tobacco smoke they suffer more and more from asthma, bronchitis and deadly allergies. Even the most creative and manipulated scientific studies have been unable to explain this to the satisfaction of the oppressors.

Could it be that the affluent SUV and other big car drivers who live and work in climate controlled enviroments are murdering the poor minority smokers and are trying to deflect the blame by demonizing them?

The United Nations will decide.

NYC smokers are rebelling against segregation, employment and health care discrimination and demanding the right of return to bars, parks and beaches. They are taxed higher than any other American. While the health hysterics have returned to the tactics of their vegetarian and tobacco-despising hero Adolph Hitler the international community has reacted.

Pinwar Swinbowsie, delegate of Bong Congo explained:
“Americans are haters. The only reason they have not become more globally oppressive is because there are always voters whose ancestors came from wherever. In order to protect themselves from endless civil war they have created laws to protect the different groups defined by race, religion, gender and such. But they have to have a demon so they turn their insatiable prejudice on behavior groups. There are too many fat people so obesity is protected. So they pick on the smokers. Smokers are the new niggers.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

The News Don't Matter

Everywhere I go it’s the newspaper. I’ve had it. I walk out of my building into six degrees above global warming with a skin cancer index of dead in two weeks. I’m sweating. I can see my breath as a clear stream in the car exhaust. I walk closely behind a cheap cigar smoker for the fresh air. A woman with a matching hat and handbag steps on my foot with her stiletto and then threatens to sue me for checking out her behind. So I limp to the corner newsstand picking up the pace as one of the pitbullasorouses that Michael Vick didn’t murder is slobbering at my inseam. All to see Jimmy the Other Greek for some toilet literature.

Jimmy the Other Greek tries to sell me the New York Times, Post, Sun, Newsday and the Daily News, Dispatch, Tattler, Record. I tell him its summer. I hate the beach. I want a bikini magazine.

Jimmy says nobody wants to buy the papers these days and he doesn’t understand why. I tell him to just read one and the mystery will dissolve. He tries to sell me Sports Illustrated. I tell him the bikinis are too small. I want a big bikini magazine. Bikinis that actually have a whole woman inside them. I’ve looked at these models. They even live around here. They live on bottled water and makeup. They couldn’t eat if they wanted to. They have no internal organs.

Jimmy the Other Greek says there must be something he has that I want. He owes me money. I never lent him any money. I would just hand him a twenty for the two dollar Times and he wouldn’t give me any change. He put it on his tab. This has been going on for years and he owes me enough to put me through NYU Law School for a semester. I hear you can get laid there.

He tries to talk me into smoking. He says he’ll give me the cigarettes for free and all I have to pay is the tax. The entire price of cigarettes is tax. The pack costs a buck fifty and the rest of the fifteen bucks is federal, state and local tax. And they won’t let you smoke them anywhere. Not even in some co ops now.

Jimmy apologizes and said that he had some big bikini magazines last week but the Taliban came by and threatened to rip his moustache off. So he gave them away to the illegal immigrants who hang on the corner waiting for day work managing hedge funds.
Okay, forget it. I’m going to whistle while I toil this week. I need a sandwich. The counter I have the least fear of because not even a germ could survive the filth is two blocks south on Broadway. Order kosher ham on whole grain styrafoam with pomegranate mustard goddess low cal dressing and a fat Coke.

President Obama is seated three stools down sandwiched between the earplugs and dark sunglasses. I yell Hey Prez, what are you doing about getting my brother a job. Obama says he’s worried about his job. I say what about the deficit? He says look where I’m eating. I ask about the stimulus and he says he’s leaving a tip. I think Social Security will be there long enough for me to finish my sandwich so I leave the man alone.

House Speaker Boehner is at the corner getting a hot dog and negotiating the relish. Says he’s on the way to a tea party on Park Avenue. Old money and cucumber sandwiches. He needs a dog. A red hot. In Texas it would be a barbeque, big hair and boobs. Here, it’s a wrinkle post with a tiara. His socks are too thin, like hose. Black guys can pull that off but white guys just look like their wannabe sidekick.

I like Obama and Boehner. I know they really try doing what are today impossible jobs. Maybe I should say super impossible. They are not the problem. Politicians are not the problem. We are the problem. We’re just the bigger and harder working version of Greece right now and we still think we’re America.

Maybe last millennium. Before Wall Street started playing Monopoly with real real estate. We were all house happy. So the colleges and doctors figure if everyone’s a millionaire lets triple prices. I own two hundred credit cards.

My TV is not big enough. You need a screen wide enough to make you turn your head. Keep you active. My car is too small. I could never fit a NFL cheerleading squad in there. Not a polite fit. I don’t spend enough time beating my kids. They’re wild animals.

Don Arrup
Satire1