Open Marriage

Fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls responded to the allegations of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's ex wife that he had proposed an open marriage.

Rick Santorum

"I believe in closed marriages. I never got any except when my wife was ovulating and that includes Christmas and Valentine's Day so I know what it is like to struggle in this country. It is commonly agreed among theologians that sex is portrayed as original sin in the Bible and should be treated as a necessary evil to continue the human race and sell them cars and beer."

"My only open relationship is with God and the fat cats funding my campaign."

Ron Paul

"Excuse me but I don't think candidate's sex life or the sex life of any elected official is anyone's business but their own. If the governor or president isn't having his needs met in office or in his relationship he should be free to contract a blowjob or quickie with a professional so he or she can get on with their lives and job. The Republican Party is supposed to be about getting the government off the backs of the people and out of their pockets and here we are with both hands in Mr. Gingrich's pockets just sort of feeling around to see which of his nuts is bigger."

"Since CNN has decided that it is the Playboy news channel maybe we should just stop all this endless debating and pull up that table you reporters are sitting behind and have each of the candidates just pull it out and let the American people decide who is the bigger man."

Newt Gingrich

"You wouldn't want to do that in the general election, Congressman Paul. President Obama is from Hawaii."

Mitt Romney

"You're all missing the whole point. As the pre-ordained nominee predicted in the Book Of Mormon let me put the American people at ease. I and my six wives have always held ourselves to the strictest interpretation of monogamy. A monogamy not just of the body but of the spirit.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Food Stamp Prez

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke to Satire1 after calling President Obama "the food stamp president."

"I don't know how in a country that only grows one quarter of the world's food supply and throws away enough food everyday to feed the world people can expect there not to be hunger. Obama wants to feed them while I say that hunger is the primary motivation for people to educate and empower themselves. Hunger is even more powerful than greed. Besides, few of the hungry, especially those of color, will ever vote Republican and with their growing numbers if we want to retain the character of this country the best way is to starve them off the voting rolls."

"Obama is the food stamp president. I want to be starvation president. I won't even have to campaign. I'll let the Democrats do that for me. I'll just visit schools and veteran hospitals and offer pithy proposals for inexpensive programs. When the interviewers ask me if I am heartless I'll say I have as much compassion as any reasonable person until I have to pay my bills."

"My first act as president will be to call on Congress to move elections for federal office up to April just before taxes are due so the American people can weigh how much all this costs. November is as far away from the IRS deadline as you can get. And with all the holiday marketing brainwashing in full swing before you even start to buy things people can be deluded into thinking they care."

"My second act will be to abolish funds for homeless shelters and public housing. If you don't feed people there is no need to house them. The shelters can easily be turned into work camps where habitat challenged individuals who volunteer to rebuild our infrastructure will be provided for. And I'd let the private sector take the public housing and farm out the inhabitants to struggling businesses in need of cheap labor. The corporations who run half our nation's prison systems could do this and return a taxable profit. This way, without creating any new federal agency or entitlement we clear up the housing problem and the need for illegal immigrant labor-with no cost to the taxpayer."

"Look, its just like a cat that meows on your porch. The first time you see him he looks wet and cold and hungry so you toss him a few scraps out of kitchen wastebasket. Next thing you know you're spending half your weekend at PetCo and the vet's."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Romney Claims Firing Workers Creates Jobs

Leading Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney explained today how his love of firing people at companies that his corsair capital firm stole created jobs for Chinese and Mexican workers and helped preserve the financial security of the United States.

"Of course we outsourced every possible position at the companies we acquired. It was our duty to our shareholders and America. Without these jobs China wouldn't have the money to lend us and even more Mexicans would come over the border for work. Most of the people we did retain were cleaning staff and I made a point that they must be illegal immigrants who send at least half their wages back to Mexico."

"If more American companies would step up and do the right thing like we did no one would even think of crossing our borders because they would be leaving the very places where my fellow filthy rich are creating employment."

"President Obama continues to labor under the delusion that Americans want to work. He fails to realize that America is the economic and market laboratory for the world. We create new products and services so that other countries can steal them and sell them back to us at a lower price. This way we rich can get richer and the rest of Americans can still afford the products they used to make."

" And if there is anything that the last decade has taught us it is that the American dream is still alive. Any American, despite their financial situation, can own their own home for a least a couple of months and then get on with their lives. And to all those complainers who come up to me and tell me they can't find a job I tell them my shoes need a shine and I can't get that cheaper on line."

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Owe Ahh...

After a year of Republican Presidential Candidate Debates the people have spoken. The good people of the State of Iowa do not slip into a booth and secretly vote on their choice. The Caucuses are public and the whole idea is to debate and declare. Satire1 interviewed some of the more interesting participants on their views of the process and the candidates.

Farmer Joe (no relation to Joe the Plumber)

"Jesus Christ died on the cross to cut taxes and protect corn subsides and now this Obama fella is threatening to take religion out of farm policy. I'll vote for any white guy who can lick him."

Babs

"Obama's not even an American. He's from Hawaii. The birth certificate says."

Bud

"The Mormon looks like he spends half his waking day in front of the mirror and the other half in front of the camera. And Gingrich's pants don't fit. I'd vote for Ron Paul but he looks too much like my barber. I'm doing Michelle."

Buddy

"I thought they had beer at this thing."

Bo

"The big cities like New York and Des Moine with their big media think they own the country but today real Americans had a voice. I don't like any of them in either party. They're all politicians. They promise you they'll do everything and then they don't do it and when they do do it its even worse."

Bob

"I fought for this country and freedom and corn and I saw up close the terrorists who were trying to take our corn from us. Somebody has to break the gridlock in Washington or the automatic cuts will kick in and the Pentagon will not have enough funds to protect both our freedoms and our corn."

Bobbie

"Obama is trying to make us all marry gay people and that would be fine with me if everybody looked like Sarah Palin or George Clooney but that ain't the case."

Baby

"I voted for Rick Sanitarium. He has everything I look for in a Republican. He ain't Mitt Romney."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Super Committee Makes Bold Move

The Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction or Super Committee which failed to find a compromise to save the United States from becoming Big Greece set up tents and card tables in Zucotti Park just above Wall Street in an attempt to force the Occupy Wall Street Protesters to come up with some specific demands. The lawmakers who had been appointed by their party leaders expressed frustration and outrage that the mass of recent college graduates and warmed over 60's radicals haven't shown the leadership and direction the country so desperately needs to survive the Great Recession.

"The OWS is in danger of making themselves irrelevent by not offering proposals on how to fix the nation's long term fiscal health." said one Senator who chose annominity to avoid offending lobbyists. "We members of Congress are too enslaved by endless campaigning and special interests while the protesters have the advantages of unemployment and homelessness to enjoy all the freedoms that only America can provide. It is time they grow up and point the way."

"I think the Occupiers are showing a shameless self indulgence and immaturity by refusing to compromise on their dogmas enough to keep the country going," said one Congresswoman terrified of her constituents. "If we can't get leadership from a throng of sex and drug crazed malcontents then we will be forced to turn back to Washington."

"Mayor Bloomberg can not evict us as we have Congressional immunity," said one of the Committee Chairpersons wearing a paper bag over his head. "We are being joined by Ambassadors from other dead beat nations coming over from the UN to demand that the OWS roll up its sleeves and submit something we can vote against,"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Daddy Warbucks' Eyes

I was told when I was two
That even though they had the same eyes
Warbucks was not her Daddy

Big Tuxedo, red dress, bald head, hair nappy

Annie's mom America
Her bounty shared by few
Her children orphaned
Husbands humbled
Horizon a dark blue

The Mideast rumbled
Europe stumbled
Far East rising near

People marched, dogs barked
Tea Party and Zucotti Park
Politicians try to ignite a spark
To light our fall into the dark
No candle to be found anywhere

Eyeless blind we had a ball
Bill came due we'd spent it all
A nation of hollow sockets
Divided by bulging and empty pockets
While rogue states build bombs and rockets
Once admired now they mock us

Hope that left over bird tastes good!
Happy Thanksgiving

Don Arrup
Satire1

GOP Candidates on Penn State Scandal

Satire1 interviewed the Republican Presidential Primary Candidates on the recent accusations of pedophilia by former Penn State Football Coach Jerry Sandusky that led to riots on the Happy Valley campus after the midnight firing of legendary Coach Joe Paterno.

Governor Rick Perry

“It seems this all began back in the Clinton Administration. President Bush was tied up with terrorism and starting wars but as all those problems have been winding down I think the current President could have done more to protect the behinds of our future leaders. “

“Our state gun rights assure there is no pedophilia in Texas but I routinely check the showers and locker rooms at the University of Texas just to be sure.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachman

“What I want to know is where was Mrs. Obama when all this was going down. The Obamas have been living on Pennsylvania Avenue for almost three years so this was practically in their backyard. It is traditionally the First Lady who acts as an advocate for the nation’s children and pushing vegetables on fat kids is only going to make them more attractive to these sick individuals.”

Ambassador Jon Huntsman

“Of course it was a state college. This is just another instance of how government spends your tax dollars raping our children.”

Former House Speaker and College Professor Newt Gingrich

“In academic circles it was just assumed that people become coaches because they are pedophiles.”

Governor Mitt Romney

“I know what I’m about to say is going to be controversial and I’m probably going to get a lot of flack about it from the media but as someone asking the American people for their vote to be their president I feel the public has a right to know. I always kind of liked Joe Paterno.”

Pizza Man Herman Cain

“This is another example of trial by media. Coach Sandusky was probably reviewing the Quarterback/Center exchange in that shower and if anything did happen it is Obama that should be fired not Joepa.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Federal Government Surrenders Power to Occupy Wall Street Protesters

President Obama, House Speaker Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Reid and Chief Justice Roberts formally handed the Constitution and keys to the White House, Congress and Supreme Court over to a CUNY undergraduate in Sociology behind a card table in Lacotti Park today marking the end of the Free Market Capitalist Oligarchy that has ruled the country since its founding.

A guillotine was constructed in the graveyard of Trinity Church at the top of Wall Street to accommodate everyone making over a million dollars in annual income who is not a media star or Warren Buffet. The People’s Bureau of Investigation began arresting banksters and stock robbers as part of a nationwide sweep of anyone who turned a profit since the Great Recession began.

Private property has been abolished and all marriages are voided as the period of genital monopolization ends. The family unit is dismantled and children under the new age of consent (12 years) will be redistributed by lottery to couples demonstrating truly democratic relationships.

All private homes will be demolished as they are the most divisive and unequal element in society. Tents, wigwams and igloos will be the only allowable shelters in the new United Citizens of America. Banks will become free food distribution centers and nursing homes will end their age discrimination and accommodate anyone who has just plain had it.

Schools will stop manufacturing fodder for the heartless industrial poison machine and all institutes of higher learning will become research centers for time and mind travel.

October 31st is the new Independence Day. Every Monday is Memorial Day and Malcolm X’s birthday will replace Martin Luther King’s as a national day of observance.

Barter, seduction and violence will replace Federal Reserve Notes and all other currencies while workers will toil for the satisfaction of knowing they have contributed to the general good.

Legislation pending General Assembly approval:

Everyone is to be painted blue to end racial discrimination

Distribute nuclear arsenal to Third World countries and stateless minorities

Legalize terrorism

Invade Alaska

Recognize Disney World as a sovereign state

Mandate a Star Wars channel

Invite Iraq and Afghanistan to join the Union

Make Satire1 the blog of record

Don Arrup
Satire1

New Jobama Plan

President Obama announced on the White House lawn today that he has just hired over two million people currently behind bars in America as Conviction Demonstrators as part of a sweeping overhaul of the Penal and Housing systems.

Both citizen and foreign prisoners were drafted by executive order into the new Penal Corp and are to remain stationed in their current prison, jail or detention center. Those currently being charged with a crime are considered applicants and will only be hired upon conviction.

President Obama explained:

“Penal Corp participants will be paid the Federal Minimum Wage to cover the rent of their cells and board. This way the whole program pays for itself. It adds nothing to the deficit while creating over two million new jobs. And these are not short-term infrastructure projects but jobs that will last the length of the conviction. For thousands of Americans this will be a lifelong career.”

“My new Penal Corp will not infringe on the sovereignty of state and local prisons. Local laws and work rules still apply as the investments will continue to come from local taxpayers. But all detention centers will be issued PC T-shirts that say ‘This is not my punishment. This is my job.’”

“The new Penal Corp will also address the disproportionate toll the recession has taken on the poor and minorities as most of the hires will be from this group. “

“The Republicans are always saying put more people in jail. I say put more people to work. And if Congress ever gets around to criminalizing homelessness as I have requested we could end this housing crisis before the end of this year or whenever we can build enough children’s prisons.”

Don Arrup
Satire1