In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dinosaurs Join Global Warming Debates

After Dr. David Wilkerson of John Moore University in Liverpool, UK proposed that the flatulence of the large herbivore dinosaurs produced the same greenhouse gas effects of our cows and cars a light hearted debate has been waged on the airwaves. Satire1 seeking as always to provide a more balanced and fair view of the controversy has decided to interview those who were there for the first climatic disaster. 

Godzilla

"Nobody with any real teeth could stand to be around those stinking vegetarians. Bunch of hulking green lugs chewing the cud all day and laughing at each other's thunderclap farts. I don't know if they raised the heat on the globe but you couldn't walk through their brown clouds and anything that did tasted like shit afterwards."

King Kong

"They'd burn the fur off your back if they blasted near you. Never be behind one. It was the only critter that I feared. Especially when the new grasses came in."

Barney (of Barney and Friends)

"They are the reason to this day why I beat children into a puddle if they rip on my set. They made the world unlivable before but not this time. If human children were as big as my cousins there wouldn't be a cell alive on this planet."

Dino (pet survivor of Flintstones)

"We were only eating what we were told was good for us. Ate our greens everyday, became social pariahs and still became extinct. It's like kids and broccoli today." 

Jurassic Jack

"Obviously your politicians evolved from the brontosaurus (literally thunder lizard). And now with all the super pacs and giant campaign coffers it's going to smell just like the bad old days."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Is Everybody Happy?

I do not know a single liberal who considers President Barack Obama a liberal.

I do not know a single conservative who thinks Former Governor Mitt Romney is a conservative.

I do not know a single independent who thinks that either is independent of party loyalty, special interests, big donors, lobbyists and a blind love of themselves.

Is anybody happy?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Prescription Foolish

As the Supreme Court contemplates the constitutionality of the Health Care Reform Law President Obama is negotiating a deal with the Mexican Drug cartels to smuggle prescription drugs into the United States through both our northern and southern borders in order to reduce the price of health care for Medicaid and Medicare for the fifty states and federal government. Outside the Veteran's Administration the US is the only government in the solar system that doesn't have the authority to negotiate prices with the international pharmaceutical industry.

"There are no ideal choices here," Obama said. "With our neighbors enjoying far lower prices on life saving drugs I had to choose between murderous amoral thugs and the Mexican Drug Lords."

As an army of lobbyists surround the Capital ready to pounce, Former Senator and Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, who championed the protection of the private sector during the Medicare Prescription Drug giveaway under the Bush Administration, criticized President Obama last month on the campaign trail.

"The reason the German, Swiss and French governments forced reasonable drug prices on the companies is because they are socialist. Putting the needs of elderly and vulnerable citizens before the grotesque profits of foreign corporations is a recipe for disaster. Next we will be eliminating corporate welfare and demanding our companies act in a responsible and legal fashion."

"The reason Americans pay more is very complex," said Senator Luger. "We require prescriptions for many drugs sold without a golf cart elsewhere. First world countries traditionally subsidize drugs in third world countries like China, Indonesia, Brazil and the rest that are currently beating the pants off of us. We bleed small doses which wreck the economy of scale and keep the doctor's offices overbooked- which does nothing to stop us from overdosing on a horror movie scale. Our lack of Tort Reform means that the price is swollen by insurance costs and finally we have so many drugs for every complaint that the advertising if you haven't noticed is on par with cereal, fast food and doesn't your house smell like a barn."

"Of course we also have the drugs of unintended consequences." Lugar continued. "We can control acid reflux in an individual who eats like an hippopotamus who then will require cholesterol pills so his heart will hold up long enough for him to develop diabetes and all the other ailments that go with an obesity that no one survived fifty years ago. Let alone the I can't screw like a teenager anymore pills. And I'm wondering where the breast sag, eye bag and butt drift pills are. I know we have them."

"As long as eating what your whole family used to have for dinner upsets your belly, growing older, feeling anxious in a world that is falling apart and not being able to sleep like an infant are viewed as diseases drug prices will remain high and there will never be enough. So I'm backing the President's plan to have the Mexican drug gangs provide our entitlement programs with Mexican and Canadian drugs and I'm waiting for the pill to calm people who don't have a pill for what ails them. In my day whatever bothered you you took an aspirin or a bromide."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Philly Sound

Under a full Philly moon

South Street boys started to croon

The microphone will be here soon

Bandstand

Buddy Dean had the tune machine

In Bee Bop Baltimore down

Chuck Web spells cool

Teenhop was for fools

Till Elvis came to town

He was on the air

And everywhere

Bandstand

Bandstand

The loves of girls lives

The woman I wanted to wive

Made my basement the scene

When she danced off the screen

Bandstand

Bandstand

Don Arrup

Satire1

Broccoli

The Supreme Court held two and a half days of hearing arguments last week on whether the Constitution allows Congress to mandate citizens to buy broccoli after twenty six states filed suit stating that it imposed an unnecessary burden on farmers and carnivores.

--It looks like grass, it gives you gas and it tastes like ass.

Justice Roberts

"Whose ass does it taste like?"

--My wife keeps a clean house, your Honor.

Justice Ginsberg

"Doesn't the mandate simply compel citizens to buy broccoli without any enforcement of its ingestion? Isn't the mandate then like ORomaCare which compels people to buy health insurance even though they know it is impossible for anyone with a job or a life to get an appointment with a physician?"

--Many Christian sects in the Mid and South West forbid the ingestion of anything that can't bleed or scream, your Honor. So we are suggesting that not only does Broccoli Buy prove to be an overreaching of the Commerce clause but a violation of the Freedom of Religion.

Justice Ginsberg

"ORamaCare compels even Christian Scientists and Evangelicals who don't believe in insurance to buy it but they are not compelled to use it even if it were possible to see a physician. Young people pay into Social Security and Medicare knowing full well it won't be there for them."

--The  federal government already does a very complete and thorough job of wasting the citizenry's money, your Honor. The twenty six states are satisfied and appreciative that they have been relieved of most of that governmental burden.  

Justice Scalia

"Let's assume for a moment that I or my wife already buys broccoli on the free market. A physician at a party suggested it and since we have been unable to get an appointment at another doctor's golf cart we have eaten broccoli in the belief that it might keep us out of the hospital. And then let's assume that despite eating the mandated vegetable we become ill. What in the law-should we uphold it- is there to protect us from being served broccoli in the hospital where we are compelled under the threat of starvation to eat the bushy green?"

--The law offers you no protection from that caloric tyranny, your Honor. In fact, since the hospital accepted your federal insurance it must comply with the law and buy broccoli just as you were compelled to. No reasonable person could imagine a doctor or a trained nurse eating the broccoli while the rest of the staff is protected from eating greens by their union contract. Someone has to be served the broccoli, your Honor, and if you are at the time the weakest and most vulnerable individual within the jurisdiction of the hospital kitchen I'm afraid it will almost certainly be you."

Justice Scalia

"But I don't like broccoli and it didn't protect me from the cancerous tubercular erectile dysfunction. Now I am bedridden, probably heavily drugged and delirious if only from the boredom and they're pushing a plate of over boiled green mush under my chin."

--This is precisely what the twenty six states fear, your Honor. that the most vulnerable and powerless of our population even though they are exempt from buying it will be served the broccoli that schools, hospitals, military bases and soup kitchens are compelled by law to purchase. The poor who are barely surviving in Golden Arch deserts where no McDonald's franchise is established will be left with nothing to eat but fresh fruit, vegetables and whole grains. We fear that our emergency rooms will be overwhelmed with poor and working class citizens suffering from diseases linked to thinicity which before was unique to the affluent. We are tired of the Surgeon General telling this population that their grandmothers were murdering them and that Aretha Franklin is unattractive. 

Justice Kennedy

"The question before this court is given that the federal government's reach up our rectums has expanded as the long arm of the law thickens above its elbow does the Congress now also have the power to reach down our throats by deciding what we should eat?"

--Both major political parties have been feeding us nothing but shit for the last fifty years but the electorate is not compelled to swallow it, you Honor, as is shown in our low voter turn out. The government's argument that broccoli holds a unique position in our economy and lifestyle since it is the only green vegetable that doesn't go bad before you can get it into your refrigerator is a false argument. People buy green vegetables not to eat but to relieve their conscience as they stack up their grocery carts with the infinite variety of denatured chemical crap. Compelling citizens to buy any vegetable which can survive in the refrigerator will only make them feel guilty for enjoying their meals. 

Justice Sotomayor

"But isn't it the role of government to make the citizenry feel guilty for enjoying anything they bought with wages they managed to salvage from taxation? Money is not only speech it is a narcotic. We buy ever bigger television screens even though there is nothing worth watching. Bigger cars though there is no place to go and bigger homes which we have no time to stay in."

--The twenty six states agree that the Constitution only promotes the pursuit of happiness in theory, your Honor, and upholds the criminalization of any pursuit that actually offers pleasure like beating your children or ingesting non prescription drugs. But we are proposing that Broccoli Buy imposes an unnecessary burden not only on individuals and institutions but on the entire food and beverage industry which has labored for decades to addict us to salt, sugar and fat saturated crap. For the federal government to now after years of subsidizing genetically altered corn and heavily drugged cattle to reverse course and steer the populace by mandate towards healthy and natural foods is not only hypocritical but dangerous to the economy and food supply.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Obama Go Easy

"My fellow Americans, it grieves me to inform you that as I speak the armed forces of the United

States under my orders as commander in chief are moving en masse across the borders of the city of New Orleans. I gave the order three days ago and due to months of intelligence gathering and round the clock searches on land, air and satellite we were able in to locate and positively identify the city."

"Six divisions of the Army have sealed the city line while the Navy has blockaded the Gulf, two divisions of the Marines have already stormed and taken the levies and the Air Force already enjoys air supremacy."

"This time no one will get out of New Orleans."

"Now as successful as the containment and invasion has been there will be casualties. Our troops will be exposed to poorly maintained public facilities, overpriced bars and brothels. Cajun food and in some cases even jazz. It is the price of freedom and why we honor those who visit New Orleans."

"We will be reinforced by both Canadian and British forces who will occupy the French Quarter and Ninth Ward as our Army Corps of Engineers and another army of ridiculously overpriced private firms begin the long process of nation building in this ungovernable land."

"Now in the spirit of full disclosure our intelligence agencies have estimated that this will not be the quick in and out that we enjoyed in Afghanistan but a decades long process of trying to build sound civil institutions, schools and an economic structure free enough of corruption to be able to support a democratic government."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ape Foo Foo

April Fool predicts:

Your child bringing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school in their lunchbox will be considered first degree murder of a number of their classmates.

Ammonia soaked beef byproducts also known as "pink slime" which no fast food chain will touch will be sold to public schools for their lunch programs.

Spent hens, the drug saturated burnt out eggbots of industrialized farming, will be the "healthy alternative" offered to school children.

Monsanto's genetically altered can't rot, can't reproduce, can't be digested hybrid corn will through feed, starch, oil and syrup make up over 60% of the calories Americans consume.

With Iran threatening to cut off the Middle East's major supply line candidates for political office in the United States will demand we pilfer our strategic oil reserves to bring down the price at the pumps a few pennies for summer.

Germany will allow their economic partners to collapse into chaos and depression in the name of austerity.

Rick Santorum will claim that the market forces he defended in the Medicare Prescription Drug Plan D will bring down prices to somewhere less than double what other countries pay and claim success.

The Republicans will not find an alternative to Mitt Romney.

Liberals will not find an alternative to Barack Obama.

The last major college basketball program in the country to allow non whites to play will win March Madness and portray themselves as a model for collegiate sports.

Oh shit! All this has already happened.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hit Parade

Satire1 was a safety in elementary school which meant that I was assigned to help the other students cross Loch Raven Boulevard without getting killed. Safeties in professional football on the other hand are assigned to kill any opposing player who tries to cross the first down marker or goal line. With the NFL Hall of Fame players sporting more crutches than the French Army after World War I, Commissioner Roger Goodell has rightly tried to impose rules to reduce the amount of injuries to players protected only by Robo Cop armor and Star Wars technology.

The New Orleans Saints Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams was recently found guilty of running a Big Easy Murder Incorporated racket whereby defensive players were given "bonuses" or more accurately and literally blood money to injure players on the opposing teams. With suspensions ranging from eight games to one year the wrath of the Commish has been dolled.

In light of these disclosures, not entirely unique to the Saints and the present day, it seems the height of injustice that then Giants then Jets receiver Plaxico Burress was imprisoned for carrying a handgun considering the number of big strong men who wanted him hurt.

Satire1 has more thoroughly investigated the charges regarding the Saints and found the price list of hits not published in the Sports pages of your daily paper.

Hit List

(All injuries must be confirmed by a licensed physician or coroner)

Sphinx Mush- $1,000- complete flattening of the nose. Both cheeks must appear as one.

Anonymous- $2,000- blow must knock the numbers off either the front or back of opponent's jersey while jersey remains intact.

Egg Out-$10,000- for confirmed knocking of receiver's eyes out of his head with one hit. Eyes may still be attached to head by the optic nerves but clearly and fully outside the lids. $4,000 for one eye.

Decap-$20.000- complete removal of opponent's head from one hit. Can be shared if resulting from multiple hits occurring simultaneously. Head falling off shoulders on stretcher or in locker room nets half bonus.

Oblit-$23,000- complete obliteration of opponent at the monocular level from one hit. Remnants of uniform must remain intact. Rare instances of spontaneous combustion will be investigated by trained physicists.

Dracula-$25,000- defender's helmet must pass completely through torso of opponent. $2,000 bump bonus if defender can remove his head with helmet still on. $5,000 bone bonus if defender pushes opponent's spine completely outside carcass.

Don Arrup

Satire1