Hot Ball Conga

HOT BALL CONGA

Wet girls huddle under a thick spruce

Squeals and screams

Summer soaker cloud burst

Streams of mascara 

Hair washed together

Clothing sticking to every body

July

Stay wet girls

Don't let that hot bald bone

Dry you 

Fry you

Evaporate into the sky you

Emerse yourselves in 

Bodies of water

Lakes, pools

Oceans, bubble baths

Keep the boys thirsty

For your moisture

Beach the boys

Like whales

With your bikinis

Strand them in the sand

Make them understand

The wet wild nature child

Who lightning tickles

And thunder claps

With each smack

Of your lips

Don Arrup

Saitre1

SUMMER CLOCK

The serious business of fun

Pursued for its own sake

By boys who worship the Sun

And open space

In full command of agenda

Big boys propose

And hotly debate

Little boys craving inclusion

Follow arguments

And weigh their fate

They want to be big boys

Big boys want to be men

And men just want to be

Boys again

Days without hours

Only sunrise and set

Hold off September

Back to school again

Don Arrup

Satire1

Catholic Bishops Claim Abortion Funding Denies Church Molestation Candidates

The US Conference of Catholic Bishops said that the ORomney Health Insurance Bailout Bill in providing funding for abortions and birth control will deny future generations of priests and deacons potential candidates for molestation which has been a cornerstone of recruitment and bonding within the order for the past four decades. 

"Why do you think the Bishops and Cardinals would risk such scandal in covering up the marauding molestation decade after decade if it wasn't vital to the survival of the church. Studies show that despite strong abomination and threats of hell even Catholics are getting abortions or practicing birth control when it is covered by their health care insurance," said Arch Bishop Feeley of Jefferson City, Missouri. "Do you really expect young men to hear the calling when there is only a handful of widows and cleaning ladies in the pews?"

Parish school students are far and away the preferred victims due to access and fetish uniforms. Despite their reputation for academics and discipline primary and secondary Catholic school enrollment which peaked in the early 60's at over five million is less than half that and schools have been closing. The increased costs of having a lay faculty, changing demographics and a shrinking portion of the faithful willing to have their children raped has caused tuition to soar out of the reach of many Catholic households.

"The unwanted or barely wanted children that abortion and birth control claims were our best targets." explains Monseigneur Kitchtaw, who has been accused of improper relations with students since 1965. "You can't even look at a kid whose parents spent four years at fertilization clinics to produce. A hair out of place on the child's head and they're in your office questioning your ethics."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Enough Of This Shia

Seeing his slim lead over Mitt Romney in the polls disappear President Obama has contacted Russian President Vladimir Putin and proposed restarting the Cold War as a way to consolidate power and jump start the economies in both countries. The new Cold War or Cold War 2 will be limited to arming proxies in the Syrian Civil War and other Middle East countries as the Arab Spring collapses into anarchy. 

"The only way out of the Great Depression was World War 2 and the only way out of the Great Recession is Cold War 2," the president explained in his weekly radio address. "There is no better stimulus than war and this way we can override Republican spending restraints and create high paying defense industry jobs."

"Europe will be in the same economic shape it was in 1945 by the end of the summer so this is our best opportunity to regain free world dominance."

"Americans don't mind being broke if we're killing enough people." said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. "And with the wind downs in Iraq and Afghanistan I don't think we can target anywhere near the amount of terrorists we'd need to satiate the American lust for blood."

"Sure, if we hit Iran who the Russians are also backing we'd have Cold War 2 anyway," Panetta explained. "But even should we be that lucky why not get the dogs and cogs of war up to speed with a wider massacre in Syria?"

House Speaker Boehner protested.

"Russia isn't big enough since the collapse of the Soviet Union. We should war with China in Africa where there will be less disruption to our oil supplies. Beijing is our real rival and they look different from most of us which always helps."

Rep. Ron Paul has other ideas.

"I'm tired of fighting other countries by proxy or boot. Why not keep our money home and fight an American Civil War 2? We already fund our security and police forces so arming the poor and illegal immigrants will create a conflict we can't lose. It will destroy the oversupply of housing while providing valuable work experience to our kids coming out of school with no job prospects."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Handshakes Are The New Blow Jobs

Amish communities like the states before the ratification of the Constitution enjoy sovereignty and make their own rules. One rule that seems to be universal among them is a distant relationship with telephones. The Amish use pay phones but will not have one in their homes. The reason? If someone can call you they are less likely to come visit. 

How right they are. 

It amazes me that we refer to cell phoning, texting and twittering as connectedness when what they really are is distance. People did not often write letters to someone they could see face to face. Love letters were a special case. They materialized intimacy, allowed the writer time and space to find the words to express emotions intelligibly, and substituted for physical proximity in the forbidden hours of candle light. Most of all they showed effort and the commitment that putting it in writing suggests.

Now we collect "friends" on websites, share thoughts that sound like advertising jingles and flex our genitals fancying ourselves the masters of our nutshell universe. And we are right.

For all our time saving devices we no longer seem to have time to actually go and see and interact with people. We don't have time because we are slaves to our technology. I have to check my messages, read my texts, emails, tweets, catch my shows, listen to my Itunes. We do this sitting at home or in a public space like parks and Starbucks. Turning to the person next to you and saying Hi is becoming unimaginable. 

Early evenings in the park I see parents still in their business garb pushing their toddler along while their face is buried in their Blackberry. Quality time.

 So we watch human beings share a space and interact supposedly spontaneously and this we call a reality show. Of course it must be some sort of absurd contest. You can't have people together that's incestuous. We must vote or kill them off one by one. There can only be one winner while the rest are obviously losers.

We're all losers. We're losing the sense of being co-workers, neighbors and fellow citizens. We network with people rather than really getting to know them.  Perhaps our mobility assured this. Few want to live in the old neighborhood. They want better. Companies have no problem shuffling employees around the country. Children grow up with little sense of permanence and home. We don't even watch the same TV shows or read the same news. Everything is niche.

Tellingly, the vast majority of tweets and texts are where I am right now. Why? Because we are nowhere.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Obama QB

The National Football League New York Jets in their ever expanding effort to match the New England Patriots have picked up President Barack Obama as their Monday Night quarterback in the closing days of free agency.

Coach Rex Ryan:

"Obama has to be the best Monday morning quarterback in the country. He's right on top of every crisis that should have never happened in the first place. Whether it's the constitutional crisis of his health insurance bill, the continuing multi-trillion dollar crap shoot the banks are running, the doomsday deficit deadline or the rights of soccer fans to marry he really gives it his all after he drops the ball."

"We're going to try him out to see if he can bring that brilliant indecision to the Monday Night game."

"We like his spin moves, his calm in the huddle, his poise behind center and his unshakable optimism. We have two quarterbacks who are all too quick to make decisions and end up throwing way too many interceptions. Obama will either hand the ball off or hold it till he's sacked. The punter's job will never be in jeopardy."

"We're hoping he'll confuse defenses like he's confused the Republicans who keep expecting him to propose something." 

This will be Obama's second stint with the NY Jets after his disappointing tenure last season as offensive coordinator.

"Yeah, we tried handing the play calling to big O last season but he stayed up in the booth and kept asking Sanchez what he thought might work. I don't mind his deferring to the eyes on the field but a couple of times he complained that our opponent's defense might not go for it." 

Don Arrup

Satire1 

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dinosaurs Join Global Warming Debates

After Dr. David Wilkerson of John Moore University in Liverpool, UK proposed that the flatulence of the large herbivore dinosaurs produced the same greenhouse gas effects of our cows and cars a light hearted debate has been waged on the airwaves. Satire1 seeking as always to provide a more balanced and fair view of the controversy has decided to interview those who were there for the first climatic disaster. 

Godzilla

"Nobody with any real teeth could stand to be around those stinking vegetarians. Bunch of hulking green lugs chewing the cud all day and laughing at each other's thunderclap farts. I don't know if they raised the heat on the globe but you couldn't walk through their brown clouds and anything that did tasted like shit afterwards."

King Kong

"They'd burn the fur off your back if they blasted near you. Never be behind one. It was the only critter that I feared. Especially when the new grasses came in."

Barney (of Barney and Friends)

"They are the reason to this day why I beat children into a puddle if they rip on my set. They made the world unlivable before but not this time. If human children were as big as my cousins there wouldn't be a cell alive on this planet."

Dino (pet survivor of Flintstones)

"We were only eating what we were told was good for us. Ate our greens everyday, became social pariahs and still became extinct. It's like kids and broccoli today." 

Jurassic Jack

"Obviously your politicians evolved from the brontosaurus (literally thunder lizard). And now with all the super pacs and giant campaign coffers it's going to smell just like the bad old days."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Is Everybody Happy?

I do not know a single liberal who considers President Barack Obama a liberal.

I do not know a single conservative who thinks Former Governor Mitt Romney is a conservative.

I do not know a single independent who thinks that either is independent of party loyalty, special interests, big donors, lobbyists and a blind love of themselves.

Is anybody happy?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Prescription Foolish

As the Supreme Court contemplates the constitutionality of the Health Care Reform Law President Obama is negotiating a deal with the Mexican Drug cartels to smuggle prescription drugs into the United States through both our northern and southern borders in order to reduce the price of health care for Medicaid and Medicare for the fifty states and federal government. Outside the Veteran's Administration the US is the only government in the solar system that doesn't have the authority to negotiate prices with the international pharmaceutical industry.

"There are no ideal choices here," Obama said. "With our neighbors enjoying far lower prices on life saving drugs I had to choose between murderous amoral thugs and the Mexican Drug Lords."

As an army of lobbyists surround the Capital ready to pounce, Former Senator and Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, who championed the protection of the private sector during the Medicare Prescription Drug giveaway under the Bush Administration, criticized President Obama last month on the campaign trail.

"The reason the German, Swiss and French governments forced reasonable drug prices on the companies is because they are socialist. Putting the needs of elderly and vulnerable citizens before the grotesque profits of foreign corporations is a recipe for disaster. Next we will be eliminating corporate welfare and demanding our companies act in a responsible and legal fashion."

"The reason Americans pay more is very complex," said Senator Luger. "We require prescriptions for many drugs sold without a golf cart elsewhere. First world countries traditionally subsidize drugs in third world countries like China, Indonesia, Brazil and the rest that are currently beating the pants off of us. We bleed small doses which wreck the economy of scale and keep the doctor's offices overbooked- which does nothing to stop us from overdosing on a horror movie scale. Our lack of Tort Reform means that the price is swollen by insurance costs and finally we have so many drugs for every complaint that the advertising if you haven't noticed is on par with cereal, fast food and doesn't your house smell like a barn."

"Of course we also have the drugs of unintended consequences." Lugar continued. "We can control acid reflux in an individual who eats like an hippopotamus who then will require cholesterol pills so his heart will hold up long enough for him to develop diabetes and all the other ailments that go with an obesity that no one survived fifty years ago. Let alone the I can't screw like a teenager anymore pills. And I'm wondering where the breast sag, eye bag and butt drift pills are. I know we have them."

"As long as eating what your whole family used to have for dinner upsets your belly, growing older, feeling anxious in a world that is falling apart and not being able to sleep like an infant are viewed as diseases drug prices will remain high and there will never be enough. So I'm backing the President's plan to have the Mexican drug gangs provide our entitlement programs with Mexican and Canadian drugs and I'm waiting for the pill to calm people who don't have a pill for what ails them. In my day whatever bothered you you took an aspirin or a bromide."

Don Arrup

Satire1