Pope Bama

The General Assembly of the United Nations has voted to expel the Vatican from the UN and has declared the Roman Catholic Church an international terrorist organization. Citing its Gangland political structure, secret societies, history of cover ups and threats of damnation, NATO Secretary General Rasmussen declared that the alliance is in a state of immediate deployment at the first sign of any Easter celebration. 

"If you see a chocolate rabbit, fire at will."

In almost every country across the globe troops are sweeping coops for hens laying brightly colored eggs. In the U.S., the Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested the Notre Dame football team and manhandled their cheerleaders.

At the heart of the crisis was the closed election conclave and their choice of successor to Saint Peter in the office of the Bishop of Rome aka the Pope.

A number of Cardinals spoke of the selection off the record:

"I can't believe we picked another Catholic. Almost everyone was calling for change. And another old, white guy at that."

"He's just some foreign cardinal we found riding the bus. Nobody knew him so he didn't have any enemies so he won."

"We should have made Obama pope. He is certainly more qualified as pontiff than as the Nobel Peace Prize winner. Is that a drone?"

"So this Francis wears the shoes of the fisherman now. With those robes I can't see what shoes he's wearing. Besides, I think Peter wore flip flops."

Don Arrup

Satire1

End Winter Blahs

For the last two years it has been exceptionally easy to write satire. The entire election cycle starting with the Republican Debates and through the election and fallout never failed to provide. Now, it is impossible to write satire. I saw the Yahoo news headline a moment ago when checking my email:

Senate Poised To Pass Budget Deal

I laughed for five minutes. The Senate and House couldn't agree on how many stripes are on the American flag and we're to hold our breath for a 1930's bill when the House recasts legislation from 1910.

Immigration might actually be dealt with. The Congress has been remarkably successful in halting the illegal immigration of any new idea into its hollow halls for decades now. No border guard. Just an impenetrable electronic fence of media.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ode To Ed Reed

No one appreciates safeties

Except for the opposing team

They can only blow coverages

Be fooled by play action

Get looked off 

Be beat

Rick Volk

True town Colt

John Lynch

Pin of the Bad Butt Buc D

Ball Hawkin Dawkins

Terror in Emerald Green

They were the stuff

Poisoning Quarterbacks dreams

But none more terrifying 

Than Ed Reed

You may get past Lewis

You may think you run free

But you're not out of the Purple

Till you get past Ed Reed

Record picks

And scoring runbacks

Not garbage time stats

But against Steelers and Pats

Man Brothers in big games

The longest pick return

The greatest Quarterback burn

Breaking the former record

Held by Ed Reed

Polamalu

I love you

But you're not a DB

Hybrid backer supreme

You play dynamic and mean

But when the ball's in the air

No one can compare

To the man, the legend

THE SAFETY

Ed Reed

Don Arrup

Satire1

They Stole An Hour Of My Birthday

Hey, Daylight Savings Imbecile, March 10th is my birthday and you've stolen an hour of it. That Fall Back crap you do in November doesn't give me back part of my birthday. It gives some Autumn born idiot a twenty five hour birthday at my expense. 

And it was the best hour of my birthday. Hell, the best hour of my year. Right when my wife wakes me up, gives me my gift and then says Happy Birthday. This year she woke me up, noticed the clock jump and went right to saying Happy Birthday. That was my annual blow job you stole. 

Don't think this is over. It isn't even Spring and you pull this. Okay, so that's one more hour of Spring. I could give a damn. Some birthday boy or girl is getting my birthday hour and I want it back. They don't know it yet but that birthday bunny has a job. A bob job. For my Happy Birthday and a half.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Sequestration

As the nation stumbles to within hours of the fiscal cliff un-poised to absorb the nuclear option about to blow up in our face Satire1 has spoken to all the federal, state and municipal departments who face the draconian cuts and asks them what the consequences will be.

A partial list of the expected results from Washington's inability to raise their maturity to the level of three year olds follows:

U.S Forces in Afghanistan will surrender and hand over their weapons to the Taliban.

The State of Arizona will be converted into a Hispanic theme park called Gringo Land.

Israel will have to pay its own bills

Egypt won't be able to pay any

Washington politicians will have to find real jobs

MSNBC will become the Menopause channel

FOX will become the Viagra channel

The Moon will be laid off by NASA and spin off to join other moons to revolve with

National and local weather forecasts will decline from 5% accuracy to zero

Lines at airports will go from all day to all week long

High School Condom Awareness Dances will no longer be funded

Prisons, asylums and fraternity houses will be emptied into your neighborhood

College students will be reduced to reading books

National Parks will become overrun with wildlife and vegetation to the point of almost resembling nature.

Interstate highways and bridges will finish crumbling

Programs for the disabled will be disabled

Endangered species will be on their own

Abortion, Big Oil, Big Corn and Bank subsidies will not be touched

Don Arrup

Satire1

Club Med Olympics

The International Olympic Committee dropped its pants when it dropped wrestling from the 2020 Games. It was one of the few sports that actually evolved from the original Greek games over two millenniums ago, is the sixth most popular collegiate sport ahead of swimming and tennis and is second most universal sport with 177 countries participating with weight classes for both men and women. 

Why did they drop wrestling? It doesn't get the ratings and the Olympics has been nothing more than an unreality show for decades. Beach volleyball is to volleyball what mud wrestling is to wrestling. So why don't they just add mud wrestling? That's done in bikinis too.

And god forbid they drop pingpong, trampoline or badminton. They've brought back golf so all you need now is shuffleboard and bridge and you can hold your own Olympics every time you go on vacation. 

I won't pick on synchronized swimming since I actually like Esther Williams musicals but if we're going to make the performing arts sports why not Olympic poetry slams, polka dancing and world idol singing?

Television didn't take over the Olympics; television owns the Olympics and if any sport no matter how storied and noble isn't selling the useless crap we impoverish ourselves devouring it is ripe for the chopping block. Why doesn't the IOC just cut to the chase and make sex an Olympic Sport with freestyle copulation, mixed doubles and no hands, no hips head giving events? And if that doesn't work why don't we forget the Ancient Greek model altogether and just do the Roman Games with beheadings, lion feedings and whatever other torture and murder looks good on the small screen?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hagel Haggle

Was for it before against

Know war

Been there before

Not up for Secretary of Defense

Of Israel

Voted for war not the surge

When war isn't working 

Don't ask for more

Was an enlisted man

Ate out of a can

Smoked cigs not cigars

Marched while officers

Rode in cars

Whore house I banged

Didn't even have a bar

From boot on the ground

To top Washington clown

You got to pull your pants down

To get through one round

Better I take the flak

Than have another Iraq

Iran's in our sights

And we refuse to yak?

Count your votes

And your dollars

Point fingers

And holler

Accuse and decry

Pull down the Capital sky

But when the bullets fly

The body bag stops here

Don Arrup

Satire1

Pope Pops Off

When the Bishop of Rome Benedict announced his retirement Monday Satire 1 got on the job and interviewed leading religious figures from around the world and through the ages on what they thought of the infallible patriarch of over a billion Catholics stepping down.

Virgin Mary

"I'd like to retire my virginity. I've been a mother for over two thousand years and it's all work and no play if you aren't getting laid. My oldest boy, Jesus, is going through a mid-eternity crisis and now his lawyer on Earth resigns."

Zeus

"Hey, barbarians, civil war, bankers, everything got in the way of my worship. Soon as my flock got powerful they stopped needing me. Still, losing the high priest has got to hurt."

Satan

I'd like to retire. I'm still on the job only there is almost no job left for me. Greed and hate have won. These last two generations were just too easy. I don't even want their souls. Nobody does. Of course the Pope retired. Surrendered would be more like it.

Holy Ghost

"I got benched for what? A dove? Holy Spirit? Whatever. But I've been keeping in shape and up with the times. I'm planning a comeback. Old Bennie could have put me back in the game but he blows off leaving me on the bench and he grew up with me. You know how many prayers he CC'd to me? If his replacement puts me puts me back in Bennie better not pray to me because he does not want me thinking about him. "

Billy Graham

"I got too old too but my son had been taking over the mission for years so it wasn't even a decision. But the Pope doesn't have his own children so the gang of red huddle and hole up until they can pick their new boss. Too much wine, cigars and piety in one chapel if you ask me. And you know that they're college boys."

Dalai Lama

"Actually, I'm only semi-retired. I'm still the spiritual leader but I gave up on running a country that ain't coming back."

Moses

"Try wandering the desert for your last forty years and then talk to me about retirement."

Mother Teresa

"Retirement? I'd kill for a vacation."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Congress Moves To Ban Assault Rifle Sales To Gay Boy Scouts

President Obama has indicated that he will sign legislation now moving through the House and Senate Conference Committee banning the sale of assault rifles to gay boy scouts. Though the proposed law enjoys wide bipartisan support in both chambers sticking points remain that could derail the legislation.

As usual many legislators spoke off the record.

"We used to call the Senior Patrol Leader of our troop Caligula. I don't know what he did with his sister but you didn't want to share a tent with him." 

"Our troop usually ended our camp nights with a practice not mentioned in the handbook we called "lend a helping hand to the right" as we sat around the camp fire. I wouldn't want anyone's left hand on an assault rifle while we were doing this."

"But the Boy Scouts were started by the YMCA in New York right before they formed the Village People."

"Our Scoutmaster told us if the boy is in your troop it wasn't homosexual. And we all had rifles."

"Oh, come on, everybody knew what Cub Scouts were for."

"Boys just aren't interested in the Girl Scouts cookies at that age and nobody would tell you how you could earn an Explorer badge."

"If we just gave boys enough firepower before they reach puberty none of them would be gay."

Don Arrup

Satire1