Ronald McDonald RIP

McDonald's Corporation owner and CEO Ronald McDonald died today after falling into the world's largest meat grinder at his original plant in San Bernardino, California. For over fifty years McDonald steered his franchise corporation from a one burger roadside shack to the world's largest fat food purveyor.

With his meat red hair, yellow overalls worn over a red and white striped union suit and impossibly endowed dogs, the Hamburger Happy Clown is the most recognizable public figure in the world, second to only Santa Claus. Not satisfied with decimating the health of North Americans McDonald morphed his image to fool countries around the world that he was a native calling himself McThai in Thailand and Donald McDonald in the letter R deprived Japan. 

As founder and President of the country's leading higher education institution, Hamburger University (est. 1961), McDonald has trained the core managerial class in the United States where it is estimated that one in eight of the nation's workers had slaved at one point in their careers under the Golden Arches. 

News of his death does not mean that the familiar figure will necessarily disappear from sight. The Federal Trade Commission and FBI have issued warnings of impostors posing as McDonald. Anyone seeing or being confronted by an excessively powdered red headed mug with widely missed lipstick gang banging with ambulatory fast food items should contact the authorities immediately.

In the event the victim is without oxygen or cell phone the Federal Bureau of Investigation asks able bodied citizens to confront the impostors and tell them:

Hey buddy, the clown is dead.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Drone

President Obama signed the Federal Aviation Administration clearance to use drones for commercial purposes in 2015 and has asked Congress to create rules for their use as if that body can get anything done. 

Drone manufacturers are considering what markets to target with their current observation/annihilation military models. 

Truancy Drone-used by high schools to locate absent students

Philandering Drone- reads license plates outside bars and motels

Teen Drone-make out spots and drug corners observed

Hit Drone-Mafia model to be sold at gun shows

Parking Spot Drone-ever bring your car to Manhattan?

Bikini Drone-beach birdwatchers search for best filled swimsuits

Hippo Drone-Ice cream vendor's positioning in park near most obese park goers

Bone Drone-archeologists and extreme necrophiliacs

Relief Drone- restroom locator on Interstate highways

Don Arrup

Satire1

Funny Cello Handbag

Maggie Thatch

Handbag trashed

Eric Von Zipper

Leader of Mice and Rats

In

Pajama Party Parliament

First donned Disney's ears

While sprouting through her sweater

Busting out for business 

And British independence

But the Mice and Rats

Couldn't have that

Get her in bed with Europe

And slip the Euro in

No, No, No

Confluence is sin

Don't let them in

To our pockets

Our pants

Our regulatory dance

If Fascists take the Falklands

Frankie is in the Naval Reserve

If Saddam takes Kuwait

Ronnie's butler has shown nerve

 So what if Annette Funicello

And Mararet Thatcher 

Were not the same woman

They died Monday

And I'll miss them

Don Arrup

Satire1

Late Spring Blues

Yeah it's warmer but that wind

That's March shit in April

And it's not as if it hasn't rained

Everyday you have to be out all day

Never misses

Even the birds are pissed off

Still marking their patch

It's all stay the hell away

No love songs

I can tell you

And half these birds are just bitching

No nest

No yard

No mate

Just hate

And I don't blame them

Half the daffodils haven't popped

Less

Maybe one in a patch looks strong

The others just look like they made a bad mistake

For two sunny days women had their legs out there

Like a hundred years ago

Before Easter

Like jackasses we were longing for the Equinox

Yeah, winter part two

Don Arrup

Satire1

Koreamerica

As the United States of America continues its remarkable decline into the Third World with seventy percent of its population continuing their four decade slide into inevitable poverty, the smart money in Washington is looking for models for how a nuclear power with a tremendous military but an economy that no longer provides social mobility or even affordable health care might proceed into the twenty-first century.

Satire1 interviewed several leading politicians and think tank analysts on the issue:

Ebert Poinzhopper, American Enterprise Institute

"North Korea definitely seems to be the way for America to go. Even with a two party system  I think America is capable of sustaining the blind fanaticism, intransigence and total disregard of reality that it has for the last two decades. And this ability of being able to change leaders and parties in power without disturbing the unsustainable status quo I'm sure has the North Koreans quite jealous."

Senator Bullright

"Though I doubt Americans will continue to accept the dollar for the exchange of goods much longer, we certainly can force other countries to eat our paper under the threat of nuclear annihilation."

Vice President Biden

"Oh, we already are North Korea. No doubt about that. And I like the fat kid's haircut."

Hornbone Potz, Brookings Institution

"I don't think Korea is as divided as the United States. Up until last week the two sides actually still had some line of communication."

Big Brain Brian, Cato Institution

"Our threats to Syria and Iran are too empty to compare to the DPRK's muscular belligerence but our total dependence on China compares well."

Lizbeth Tawk, Rand Corporation

"I don't think we're capable at this time of becoming North Korea. They have much better television than ours. And other than Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade we're terrible at public spectacle. We are catching up on their total disregard for the plight of the average citizen though. Encouraging."

Don Arrup

Satire1*

Satire1 celebrates its fifth anniversary with this post.

Pope Bama

The General Assembly of the United Nations has voted to expel the Vatican from the UN and has declared the Roman Catholic Church an international terrorist organization. Citing its Gangland political structure, secret societies, history of cover ups and threats of damnation, NATO Secretary General Rasmussen declared that the alliance is in a state of immediate deployment at the first sign of any Easter celebration. 

"If you see a chocolate rabbit, fire at will."

In almost every country across the globe troops are sweeping coops for hens laying brightly colored eggs. In the U.S., the Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested the Notre Dame football team and manhandled their cheerleaders.

At the heart of the crisis was the closed election conclave and their choice of successor to Saint Peter in the office of the Bishop of Rome aka the Pope.

A number of Cardinals spoke of the selection off the record:

"I can't believe we picked another Catholic. Almost everyone was calling for change. And another old, white guy at that."

"He's just some foreign cardinal we found riding the bus. Nobody knew him so he didn't have any enemies so he won."

"We should have made Obama pope. He is certainly more qualified as pontiff than as the Nobel Peace Prize winner. Is that a drone?"

"So this Francis wears the shoes of the fisherman now. With those robes I can't see what shoes he's wearing. Besides, I think Peter wore flip flops."

Don Arrup

Satire1

End Winter Blahs

For the last two years it has been exceptionally easy to write satire. The entire election cycle starting with the Republican Debates and through the election and fallout never failed to provide. Now, it is impossible to write satire. I saw the Yahoo news headline a moment ago when checking my email:

Senate Poised To Pass Budget Deal

I laughed for five minutes. The Senate and House couldn't agree on how many stripes are on the American flag and we're to hold our breath for a 1930's bill when the House recasts legislation from 1910.

Immigration might actually be dealt with. The Congress has been remarkably successful in halting the illegal immigration of any new idea into its hollow halls for decades now. No border guard. Just an impenetrable electronic fence of media.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ode To Ed Reed

No one appreciates safeties

Except for the opposing team

They can only blow coverages

Be fooled by play action

Get looked off 

Be beat

Rick Volk

True town Colt

John Lynch

Pin of the Bad Butt Buc D

Ball Hawkin Dawkins

Terror in Emerald Green

They were the stuff

Poisoning Quarterbacks dreams

But none more terrifying 

Than Ed Reed

You may get past Lewis

You may think you run free

But you're not out of the Purple

Till you get past Ed Reed

Record picks

And scoring runbacks

Not garbage time stats

But against Steelers and Pats

Man Brothers in big games

The longest pick return

The greatest Quarterback burn

Breaking the former record

Held by Ed Reed

Polamalu

I love you

But you're not a DB

Hybrid backer supreme

You play dynamic and mean

But when the ball's in the air

No one can compare

To the man, the legend

THE SAFETY

Ed Reed

Don Arrup

Satire1

They Stole An Hour Of My Birthday

Hey, Daylight Savings Imbecile, March 10th is my birthday and you've stolen an hour of it. That Fall Back crap you do in November doesn't give me back part of my birthday. It gives some Autumn born idiot a twenty five hour birthday at my expense. 

And it was the best hour of my birthday. Hell, the best hour of my year. Right when my wife wakes me up, gives me my gift and then says Happy Birthday. This year she woke me up, noticed the clock jump and went right to saying Happy Birthday. That was my annual blow job you stole. 

Don't think this is over. It isn't even Spring and you pull this. Okay, so that's one more hour of Spring. I could give a damn. Some birthday boy or girl is getting my birthday hour and I want it back. They don't know it yet but that birthday bunny has a job. A bob job. For my Happy Birthday and a half.

Don Arrup

Satire1