Democratic candidate for U.S. senator and recent stroke victim Lt. Governor John Fetterman has accused his Republican rival Dr. Mehmet Oz of not only having attended sporting events but of financially supporting sports clubs even after the dangers of many sports became public.
Dr. Oz categorically denies having recently participated, supported or even viewed competitive sports except in professional physician symposiums on the evils of athletics.
Fetterman went on the attack in their debate:
“Doctor Dorothy, have you or have you not stated that you watch the local news past the weather girl’s predictions? And since you have does that not leave us to assume that you are inhaling the scores and highlights of the very mob activities that pit one neighborhood against another, one school against another, one city against another- like the shameless, unAmerican battle going on right now between our City of Brotherly Love against our fellow Americans from the Lone Star State?
Doc O
“No physician who observes their sacred oath could ever condone, let alone support, athletics anymore.
Fetterman
“Authentic Brands Group which owns the pornographic rag Sports Illustrated has confirmed that you have had a subscription- not just an occasional purchase in a moment of weakness- but a yearly subscription to SI for decades.”
Doc O
“That was and is purely in response to demands from mostly my male patients many of whom suffer from sports and bikini fanaticism to have some placebo or Methadone like alternative to calm them down while staying in my waiting room.”
Fetterman
“You never read the magazine?”
Doc O
“Since I suffer no athletic addiction it makes no sense for me to indulge. Let me say here that what is taking place in Citizens Bank Park is the culmination of months of team violence that has eliminated so many young players leaving the spoils to just one athletic gang. This is exactly how other more recognized mobsters and drug gangs flourish. Going after each other with balls and bats, stealing bases, striking or throwing out each other for no other reason than their rivals wear different caps. No one is safe on the diamond of death and the only thing worse than the thugs on the field are the mindless mobs demanding their gang put in as many hits as possible and that the umpire be killed.”
Fetterman
“You’re an Eagles fan.”
Doc O
“I do respect and even venerate our national symbol, the bald eagle.”
Fetterman
“There exists un-doctored photographs of you and one Thomas Brady, the current Al Capone of the gridiron world.”
Doc O
“He had left the New England mob and I mistakenly assumed he was retiring and reforming himself. I had no way of knowing he would simply take over one of the drug ridden Florida mobs. I regret having ever spoken to the thug who obviously simply traded Sodom for Gomorrah.”
Fetterman
“Since we both have had youthful transgressions- premarital masturbation and college football- I’ll let that go.”
Doc O
“I take full responsibility for playing safety for Harvard but not for the masturbation. I had no idea what was in my pants. I hadn’t graduated medical school yet. I thought I was just scratching an itch.”
Fetterman
“Thank god you didn’t become a urologist. As a cardiothoracic surgeon can you tell us if Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has a heart?”
Doc O
“Though I personally haven’t gotten under his shirt as yet I decline to opine. I don’t see what use he would have in owning such a sentimental organ in running the Senate. Why have you changed your position on fracking?”
Fetterman
“I didn’t change my position on fracking. I thought the reporter asked me what my position was on flatulence which is another closely related natural gas issue.”
Doc O
“And what is your position on flatulence?”
Fetterman
“Pass.”
Don Arrup
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