RIDDLE ME THIS
What millionaire takes an abandoned orphan, makes him his ward and then dresses him up in white tights, green hot pants, yellow cape and black mask to go out and look for baddies?
Answer:
“I’m sorry. It seems I can’t get it up for pussies.”
Later that evening in another part of Gotham:
“No, thank you. I appear to already be sufficiently fucked.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
With the Supreme Court about to pontificate on the fate of race based Affirmative Action college admission offices throughout the nation are scrambling to redefine their missions and recalibrate their selection processes.
Satire1 has been interviewing the admission offices of colleges and universities both public and private, prestigious and obscure, unaffordable and fuhgaddaboutit on the recent adjustments to their admission criteria.
Harvard
“One of the reasons we have the best faculty privilege and extortion can buy is that professors want their children or grandchildren to come here. Between that and legacy applicants we pretty much keep it in the family.”
Yale
“Every prospective student who applies here has straight A’s and some aren’t even Asian. Rival Harvard is in the chic suburb of New England’s cultural center while we’re stuck in New Haven which isn’t new and was never a haven. That’s why our students walk around with a big Y on their chests.”
Johns Hopkins
“Honestly, anybody can be a doctor. Hippocrates didn’t even know how to play golf. But if we have to admit that to a Senate Sub Committee in front of the whole nation physicians aren’t going to be able to charge as much.”
New York University
“The hipsters complain that we’ve turned Greenwich Village into a colony of China but we have never discriminated against anyone whose check clears.”
Duke
“If you need financial aid we show no favoritism or prejudice. But you might consider getting your head out of a book and into the lap of one of the deans.”
U of Miami, Ohio
“If you can find us and pay up you’re in.”
MIT
“We only show undergrads how to take things apart. If you want to know how to put something together we do have a world class doctoral program.”
Georgia Tech
“We stopped looking at grades, SATs, references and giving interviews after Covid. For matriculation we put you in a room with just your phone, a toaster and an erector set and ask you to build us a robot that can give good back rubs.”
Princeton
“Lisa Kudrow, you know, the bubble headed masseuse on Friends went here. She can come back if she wants. We don’t want anyone else.”
University of Chicago
“We had another valedictorian march in here and declare she wanted to study linguistics. So I asked her is blow job one word or two. She didn’t know the answer but nodded long enough to get herself in and me off.”
Oberlin College
“We are a nondiscriminatory, progressive, woke, broke and toke institution. Anyone who can speak and read English at a fourth grade level and signs over half their future life earnings is welcome.
Reed College
“We object to Oberlin’s racist, sexist, ageist, classist, elitist policy. We categorically reject any prospective student who can speak or read any language as all forms of literacy are the very foundation of inequality.”
Standford
“What she said.”
U of Las Vegas
“The only fair and equitable admission procedure is by blind lottery. Two hundred bucks and two nights paperwork. A separate lottery for scholarships and dorm assignments- but you can’t afford those.”
University of Baltimore
“Huh?”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in memory of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.
As former President Donald Trump was arrested and the indictments unsealed Satire1 interviewed New Yorkers and tourists crossing the nearby Brooklyn Bridge asking why they think he was in front of a judge.
Man carrying My Pillow
“Trump was arrested because he slept with a woman who had half of the silicone in the valley pumped into her chest. She was his pillow.”
Six Year Old Finnish Girl
“My mother says he combs his hair like he’s saying make babies you.”
Popeye, Retired Mariner
“Dis Daniels dame might not be no Olive Oil but they’s say she’s stormy.”
Woman in America Wasn’t Great 4 Everybody hat
“Clinton lied like a man to a special prosecutor about that young thing nodding yes to everything that popped up and the Democrats hollered ‘It’s just sex.’ Trump pays who to pay who to pay you know who and that’s what he do. Now? Now it’s a big deal? We don’t even know who we’re fighting in World War Three next year if Mother Nature doesn’t extinct us first.- My sister Bobone can’t lay a hand on an egg for spreading her legs. People are paying drunks to piss in their gas tanks and things haven’t gotten too much more expensive for people who live outside.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
I love you iPhone
With you I can wean
Myself off that bitch Netflix
All up in my eye ears
Stim you lie
Thru your teeth
In your bed
Sweat crack
Moon
Now even chocolate is murdering us
Heavy metals
Poisons
Coco’s not a go go
It doesn’t spread lips nor legs
It doesn’t put lead in our pencil
It puts lead in our bloodstream
(If Superman can’t see straight thru you
You’re fucked)
Every app is a slap
You’re a load of crap
Helpless, needy
Horny, greedy
We’ve got a robot
Who can fix you up
With another moron
With complementary delusions
Hatreds and confusions
Just twenty bucks a month
And you will be lonely no more
You’ll be lonely and trying
Happy Saint Valentine’s Day (belated)
Don Arrup
Satire1
Fab fibber Congressman George Santos has “excused” himself from his two committee assignments with the help of House Speaker Nobody. Nobody said Santos stepping down from the Science, Space and Mythology panel and the Small Pecker Committee was “appropriate” until he worked things out.
Satire1 returns to our favorite corner in Charm City to record the voice of the people on the issue.
Father DeSade
“How could a politician lie? None of them has a clue. They don’t see problems. They see issues. Problems, sometimes, can be solved. Politicians can’t live without issues. You fix the problem you kill their issue. To politicians it’s like you’re killing them.”
Bobo
“Politicians are not trying to convince you of anything. They don’t have any solutions to sell. They’re just trying to get you to convince them that they’re special. Like they’re all running for prom queen.”
Mack Shine, used car dealer
“Politicians don’t lie. If they could lie they’d be billionaires instead of being owned by billionaires.”
Mabel Mouth
“Never embellish”
Jack Natural
“How come we didn’t get any balloon? It balloons over Montana crosses the country and drops down to South Carolina. They don’t even have a baseball team. Either does Montana. I say, about time Baltimore got some balloon.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
The Constitution of the United States is very explicit that the Speaker of the House of Representatives need not be a member of the chamber. So the fire sale Kevin McCarthy made of his power to secure the position begs the question- why didn’t the Republican caucus consider drawing from a larger pool of talent?
Satire1 opened the question up to the public on the corner of Belvedere Avenue and Loch Raven Boulevard in Charm City: Since any citizen can be elected Speaker of the House who do you think the Republicans should have chosen?
Maga Hat
“Nancy Pelosi. The Republicans must elect Pelosi Speaker because hatred of her along with tax cuts and deregulation is really all that unites us anymore.”
Too Much Mascara
“AOC is the one for me. She could be Speaker or better yet start her own reality show, The Real Bartenders of Queens or The Real Queens of Bartending.”
Snappy Pappy
“That would be a drag show. No, we need somebody who already has a good job like Governor DeSantis. He certainly wouldn’t allow a handful of Congressional District bitches push him around.”
Hunting Boots
“Donald J. Trump. Trump can run the country from the House of Congress. Biden’s already turned the White House grey. “
Three Piece
“I’d nominate Bezos or one of the other trillionaires but they’re already looking to leave the Earth for greener planets.”
Buick Owner
“MTG. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, Insurrectionist Queen. If she and the lefties succeed in tearing America apart then everyone will see what color it bleeds.”
Red Red Shoes
Does the candidate have to be alive? We put a corpse in the White House two years ago. Didn’t like none of the living men. Abe. Abraham Lincoln. About time this country was ruled by a five dollar bill. Neither party has had a genuine new idea in five decades- six!
Happy New Year of the Water Rabbit
Don Arrup
Satire1
Don
“Of course I keep all my classified material in my garage.”
Joe
“You don’t want Vladimir and Xi’s guys going through your underwear.”
Don
“Leave it out in the garage where they can find it and be on their way.”
Joe
“Otherwise they’re using your bathroom.”
Don
“I have nothing against Asian cuisine. They’re lovely people. Asian Americans voted for me en masse but they eat some weird animals and vegetables.”
Joe
“How about those KGB guys plugging your plumbing?”
Don
“Vlad’s an okay guy but his guys eat way too many root vegetables. Nothing against potatoes and beets. I love the Irish and won the Catholic vote by a landslide.”
Joe
“Hey, I’m Catholic.”
Don
“And put baby murderers on the bench.”
Joe
“Well, at least I lost the Nazi vote.”
Don
“Some of them are real patriots.
Joe
“What about the Shaman guy with the horns?”
Don
“Opera lover. Won the Opera lovers vote by a landslide. Every Met performance is practically a Trump rally.”
Joe
“Have you ever even been to an opera?”
Don
“Seen Guys and Dolls like a hundred times.”
Joe
“Marlon Brando was miscast as Sky Masterson.”
Don
“Anybody’s going to look bad next to Sinatra.”
Joe
“Not Dean Martin.”
Don
“And practically every single Italian American voted for me.”
Joe
“My wife’s half Sicilian.”
Don
“And I thank her for her vote.”
Joe
“Jill didn’t appreciate all those gloves rummaging through her unmentionables.”
Don
“Put the stuff they want outside your house.”
Joe
“It’s like camping. You don’t sleep in your tent with your breakfast wrapped around your neck.”
Don
“Doesn’t matter if it’s a Russian bear or a panda.”
Joe
“I think pandas are vegetarians.”
Don
“And don’t wear bamboo underwear.”
Joe
“My mother always said that.”
Don
“Brilliant woman, your mother, and I appreciated her vote.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Democratic candidate for U.S. senator and recent stroke victim Lt. Governor John Fetterman has accused his Republican rival Dr. Mehmet Oz of not only having attended sporting events but of financially supporting sports clubs even after the dangers of many sports became public.
Dr. Oz categorically denies having recently participated, supported or even viewed competitive sports except in professional physician symposiums on the evils of athletics.
Fetterman went on the attack in their debate:
“Doctor Dorothy, have you or have you not stated that you watch the local news past the weather girl’s predictions? And since you have does that not leave us to assume that you are inhaling the scores and highlights of the very mob activities that pit one neighborhood against another, one school against another, one city against another- like the shameless, unAmerican battle going on right now between our City of Brotherly Love against our fellow Americans from the Lone Star State?
Doc O
“No physician who observes their sacred oath could ever condone, let alone support, athletics anymore.
Fetterman
“Authentic Brands Group which owns the pornographic rag Sports Illustrated has confirmed that you have had a subscription- not just an occasional purchase in a moment of weakness- but a yearly subscription to SI for decades.”
Doc O
“That was and is purely in response to demands from mostly my male patients many of whom suffer from sports and bikini fanaticism to have some placebo or Methadone like alternative to calm them down while staying in my waiting room.”
Fetterman
“You never read the magazine?”
Doc O
“Since I suffer no athletic addiction it makes no sense for me to indulge. Let me say here that what is taking place in Citizens Bank Park is the culmination of months of team violence that has eliminated so many young players leaving the spoils to just one athletic gang. This is exactly how other more recognized mobsters and drug gangs flourish. Going after each other with balls and bats, stealing bases, striking or throwing out each other for no other reason than their rivals wear different caps. No one is safe on the diamond of death and the only thing worse than the thugs on the field are the mindless mobs demanding their gang put in as many hits as possible and that the umpire be killed.”
Fetterman
“You’re an Eagles fan.”
Doc O
“I do respect and even venerate our national symbol, the bald eagle.”
Fetterman
“There exists un-doctored photographs of you and one Thomas Brady, the current Al Capone of the gridiron world.”
Doc O
“He had left the New England mob and I mistakenly assumed he was retiring and reforming himself. I had no way of knowing he would simply take over one of the drug ridden Florida mobs. I regret having ever spoken to the thug who obviously simply traded Sodom for Gomorrah.”
Fetterman
“Since we both have had youthful transgressions- premarital masturbation and college football- I’ll let that go.”
Doc O
“I take full responsibility for playing safety for Harvard but not for the masturbation. I had no idea what was in my pants. I hadn’t graduated medical school yet. I thought I was just scratching an itch.”
Fetterman
“Thank god you didn’t become a urologist. As a cardiothoracic surgeon can you tell us if Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has a heart?”
Doc O
“Though I personally haven’t gotten under his shirt as yet I decline to opine. I don’t see what use he would have in owning such a sentimental organ in running the Senate. Why have you changed your position on fracking?”
Fetterman
“I didn’t change my position on fracking. I thought the reporter asked me what my position was on flatulence which is another closely related natural gas issue.”
Doc O
“And what is your position on flatulence?”
Fetterman
“Pass.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
