The City of Baltimore, Maryland broke out in massive demonstrations as students and taxi drivers faced off with police in the streets of the downtown area over a host of issues that has had commentators referring to Charm City as the “Tunisia of the West.”
As the port city to the Old Line State of Maryland whose northern border with Pennsylvania constitutes the Mason Dixon Line or division of North and South going back to colonial times Baltimore is literally the Middle East of the United States.
A long failing public school system, increasing unemployment, extreme weather, a disappointing Ravens playoff run and the near impossibility of singles to get laid has the population near the breaking point.
“This city was as hot as Iraq last summer and now we’re living on the North Pole and the Governor has refused to act.”
Complaints that politicians allowed HBO to abandon “The Wire” in favor of a New Orleans based series is interpreted by many as the final straw in the decline of the city.
“New Orleans isn’t even America. Only Europeans listen to jazz and where the hell are the guns?”
“The Steelers stole that Division playoff game. We were whipping their butt until the local officials pumped stupid gas into the Visitors locker room at halftime and the mayor didn’t even protest.”
“I’ve heard rumors they’re putting celery in crab cakes in New York and calling them Maryland Crab Cakes.”
Editor’s Note: This rumor has been confirmed.
Drug dealers complain that they can’t find high school graduates with enough proficiency in division and subtraction to carry out proper drug deals and many recent graduates haven’t had enough science education to even use a book of matches.
Maryland State law gives tenure to public school teachers after only two years and parents feeling their children’s futures are being wasted by an intractable education bureaucracy are calling on local drug kingpins to stand up for the community and have bad teachers murdered.
“Good teachers don’t need tenure. The teachers that need tenure need a bullet.”
When the kingpins declined to get involved experts reminded them that soon no graduates would be educated enough to be able to afford drugs.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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