Is It True Blonds Have More Guns?

Now that the United States averages about one mass shooting a day matchmakers have taken note of the new trend of couples gunning down strangers en masse in order to deepen their relationships and blow off steam. As the internet replaces schools, neighborhoods and even the workplace as the place to find a date new websites are offering dating services that takes the individual’s preferences in armaments into consideration.

“If a man only has one bulge in his pants he ain’t for me.”

“You should have seen the bazookas the last gal I met on Aim For The Heart match site had.”

“All my life I’ve had a Colt between my fingers and between my legs. And now some town slicker wants me handling his Smith and Wesson on our first date?”

“Cupid ain’t taking down no Wyoming man with arrows. That red baby’s got to pack some real heat.”

“I don’t want a man with a lot of guns. I want a man with one big gun and who knows how to use it.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Secret Loves

Who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of candidates? Satire1 knows:

Hillary Clinton

I love Bernie Sanders and his pants down Socialism. Give us this day our daily bread tickets, deliver us from debt and turn banks into penny arcades. There are enough houses and apartments that are empty investment instruments to house the homeless. Who cares? Half are owned by the Chinese anyway.

Bernie Sanders

I’ve got to pull Hill down into my rumpled tweed valley and do something-anything! with her hair.  

Jeb Bush

Why doesn’t Donald love me? I’m rich. I dress well. I’m powerful. Have great eyebrows. At first I thought he was playing hard to get and I liked it but now I fear Texas Ted is cruising in on my man! Trumped of Trump by Texas Ted!

Ben Carson

I need to operate on my rivals heads. These fools think they have a chance with Donald. They’re deluded to the point of lobotomy. Donald needs a quiet man.

Ted Cruz

Don thinks he’s had me but he’s never had a Cuban Canadian Texas cigar. I’ve been rolling myself for years just to be puffed on by DT.

Marco Rubio

I’m the pretty one. I’m the young one. I look young enough to be raped by a priest. And they think that Donald is going to choose them over me. The convention is already over. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re Texas. You’re Bush. Go home now.

Donald Trump

They’re all in love with me. Why else would they run and make fools of themselves? Just to be near me. On stage with me. Just so I’ll notice them.They think that the squirming and sweating I put them through in front of the entire world somehow constitutes a sexual act. Like I defiled them or deflowered them when in reality I just spat on them and dismissed them. I’m not their dominatrix. I don’t wear hip high spike heeled black paten leather boots even though I would look great in them.

Happy Righteous Valentine’s Day

Don Arrup

Satire1 

A Jew, a Hispanic, a Billionaire and a Woman Walk into a Caucus...

And the bartender asks: So where's the Mormon and the black guy?

Vote

Don Arrup
Satire1