(The White House barbershop. Vladimir Putin is in his white barber’s tunic sharpening his razor on a strap when his assistant Jerkhov enters with a gallon container of honey gold pomade.)
Jerkhov
Will this be enough, Fearless Leader?
Putin
He’s been in Florida.
Jerkhov
I’ll get another gallon.
Putin
Probably all that’s left of his follicles.
Jerkhov
Obama’s coming in at three but Bush senior had to cancel. I can’t figure why he still schedules here in his condition.
Putin
Can’t pass up a free haircut.
Jerkhov
DT’s in the hall.
Trump (Entering)
No, no, no. No security in the barbershop. Vlad, Jerk, how are my favorite Italians?
Putin
La Dolce Vita.
Jerkhov
Il tuo tortellini.
Trump
A little off the top. A little off the chin. Roto-Rooter the orifices. Got any big tits to do my nails?
Putin
We’re not lawyers.
Trump
How about that nympho manicurist Bill likes?
Putin
C cup if you call that big.
Trump
Stormy spoiled me but I’m only looking at the top of her head.
Putin
We must have the nuclear codes before we can put the apron on you.
Trump
Got them right here on my cell. Hope I didn’t Tweet them again.
Jerkhov
This second code isn’t responding.
Trump
Don’t worry about it. We’re in the process of changing the codes. Something about a security breech.
Putin
Impossible!
Jerkhov
Propaganda!
Trump
Fake bureaucratic crap. Try this list I keep in my wallet.
Jerkhov
This is working out.
Putin
How long do you want the sideburns and where are you sending the Seventh Fleet?
Trump
Same as last time and the China Sea near North Korea.
Jerkhov
That’s no good.
Trump
Hey, we’re going to talk eventually but you get a better ear in Un town when you have world’s largest flotilla bumping the shores.
Putin
Where are the sailors going to get laid?
Trump
It’s Korea. You can’t swing a dead diplomat without hitting a Korean massage pallor.
Jerkhov
But King Commie Un might interpret the penetration of the United States Navy into Korean vaginatory as an act of aggression.
Trump
Since when is penetration aggression?
Putin
Since you went to military school.
Trump
I was always on top at New York Academy.
Putin
Don’t stumble or the only thing longer than the fall you’ll take is the line that will form behind you when you land.
Jerkhov
Don’t stumble.
Putin
It’s practically summer. Like us to lighten up on the pomade and what’s your next move in Syria?
Trump
That’s a very serious question. I don’t expect you to make my hair bullet proof but it should be able to withstand a rock or a teapot. And I’ll threaten the Russians with a new Cold War and then do the same nothing Obama did. Speaking of which...
(Enter Obama in a light blue golf shirt and loud plaid pants.)
Obama
Donny T! Back from Florida I see.
Trump
Which I won by 11 points.
Obama
We must read different newspapers. Vlad. Jerk.
Putin
Bar rack.
Jerkhov
Big O.
Obama
And you guys were talking some Syria us shit.
Trump
Things have changed a lot in that part of town.
Obama
I’ll say. Jerk, is that manicurist Bill likes available?
(Jerkhov indicates Trump has dibs)
Putin
You were making a mistake interfering with Russia’s ally.
Obama
If I was a betting man three years ago I would have put all my money on ISIS to take the region. This year they probably won’t even make the playoffs.
Putin
Turkey will be the wild card.
Trump
The Kurds.
Obama
They aren’t going away.
Putin
Anyone think it could be Mother Russia who comes out on top?
Trump
They might get out alive.
Jerkhov
You don’t think the Russians can achieve their goal?
Obama
After you’re in the Middle East for a few years you realize getting out alive is your only goal.
(Enter Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller dressed in maintenance grey sweeping up. The others boo, spit and throw things at him.)
Obama
He looks familiar. Did I know him?
Trump
Bobby Mule. Used to be part of the handgun and sunglasses set.
Obama
Security?
Trump
Snitch. Wants to stick his head up your ass to see what’s for dinner.
Obama
Probably one of my appointments.
Jerkhov
You missed a spot, under the shampoo chair, you worthless mule.
Trump
Mule’s been around. Around and around. Sweeping up after the rest of us who get things done.
Obama
Hey Don.
Trump
Yes, Mr. Never Was Born Here.
Obama
What do think would have happened if you could have gotten rid of the Affordable Care Act on the first vote?
Trump
The party base would be happy and McConnell and the leadership would have shit their pants.
Obama
Beware of what you wish for.
Jerkhov
Like the presidency?
(Trump and Obama and Putin laugh until they hear Mueller chuckle)
Trump
I don’t like that guy.
Obama
He’s a Republican.
Trump
How can you tell?
Obama
He has a job.
Trump
What if he’s a spy?
Obama
Then he has two jobs and is probably Hispanic.
Trump
Hey, Mule. Come over here.
Mule
Yes, Mr. President.
Trump
Empty out your pockets. Let’s see what you got. Yeah, right there on the third chair.
Obama
You play marbles?
Mule
I lost my marbles. I just have this one Black Eyed Susan.
Trump
The all seeing eye.
Putin
The empty socket.
Obama
Glass balls. Vlad, how is it that you can cut black hair and white boy hair?
Putin
I cut your mother’s hair. Every president gets the same haircut from Val.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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