Not My Hat In The Ring

From the almost daily announcements from Democratic politicians to the Starbucks billionaire everyone and their mother is running against Trump. So great the throng that Satire1 thought it easier to interview the few who have decided to leave that office to the maniacs who deserve it.

Abe Lincoln

The country was actually a lot less divisive when I was president but then the menfolk had a chance to let off a little steam by killing each other and wearing uniforms. We did finally settle the peculiar institution problem but I just don’t have another intractable generational fight left in me even if I was alive. Besides, I’m a Republican.

Popeye the Sailor Man

Trump’s just a blond Bluto. But no matters what the press do they just play right into his shoes.

Superman

I was an undocumented immigrant not only not born in the United States but not born on Earth but President Trump offered sanctuary to all the white people in the universe from planets that exploded. So, besides not being eligible, I’m not interested.

Harriet Tubman

I thought maybe I should run since they ain’t putting me on the twenty dollar bill again. I’d be the only former slave in the race. All the others- the politicians- are still slaves, body, soul and mind, to big donors, big boners and special interests. And they ain’t even trying to be free. They love their chains. Wear their shackles like jewelry! Might be interesting to see if a truly free citizen can actually be elected to high office.

Scarlet O’Hara

I could never leave Tara and the Atlanta area for that swamp in the District of Columbia. Ever since General Sherman came to call I been praying for that Yankee bastion to burn down. Besides, I think Rhett is retired in nearby Baltimore.

The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow

Everybody loses their head when they become president so I wouldn’t really be anything new and I think the American people are looking for change. 

Jack O’Lantern

About time we had a member of the squash family running (things) and we’re real big on vegetation rights and climate change but even though I have the name recognition I’m just not the gourd for the job.

Moses

I’m older than Biden and the Commandments are the only legislation I would sign. That, and though I could part the red states I don’t see further division in either party as being helpful to the country at this time. 

Wicked Witch of the Midwest

I would be the Green candidate and I’m all for women’s rights and equal protection for minorities and the undead but I can’t cook anything in my cauldron that can cast a spell stronger than Trump put on his supporters.

Scooby Doo

Rots of ruck beating Rump, Ropeye.

Pocahontas

I would like to take on Elizabeth Warren but Great White Chief Pompadour doesn’t care who he tomahawks. I’ll sit this one out.

Don Arrup

Satire1