God held a rare press conference today as a raging flame that didn’t consume the floating monitor suspended above the entrance to the United Nations on First Avenue just above 42cd Street in Manhattan. She/He/Te/They spoke in what many took as a feminine voice with an accent mix of rural Louisiana, Boston street hawk and Brooklyn Jew.
Major news organizations around the world were notified by dead celebrities appearing as apparitions who unlike Holly and Bollywood depictions were naked and un-groomed. Explained one ghost: “Even if there was a ghost clothing store we don’t have any ghost money.”
Editors note that you can not honestly quote God since God’s voice is heard in the most understandable tongue to the listener; therefore quotation marks are neither accurate nor appropriate.
God:
Though your current president portrayed his election opponent as against me I am speaking to you directly since many religions have disgraced themselves of late and your president is Tweeted out. I’ve known Joseph Biden for over seventy five years and he has never been against me. He’s not always with me and I’m not always there for him but he’s never been against me. We are not enemies.
He comes to my house most Sundays with his family and neighbors and they talk to me and ask for favors like people do at all my homes. Joe’s had both great blessings and crushing losses. Like about half of your kind over the globe.
Presently, he is shamelessly teasing Democratic liberals, minorities and women with his choice of Vice President. Even I don’t know who it will be. I doubt Joe does. I wonder if the person even exists. In the same note, who is presently the Vice President? Pence? Dense? I understand he invokes my name often but I’ve no knowledge of him. From the papers he appears to have a good tailor.
The only reason I knew who Biden was when he had the VP job was his gaffs made for the funniest Youtube video ever.
And yes, I did, indeed, hear about Kamala Harris. Now can anybody tell me who she really is?
Your young people are upset because you’ve been fools for too long again. I’d appoint some prophets but the good ones don’t look good on TV so you’d never listen to them and you wouldn’t like what you hear anyway.
I do recommend that every eligible citizen vote. Both parties will find ways to trash half your ballots and no one will accept the results anyway but that is no reason not to perform your civic duty even- no! especially during a pandemic.
Wait until 2022, when all the votes the Supreme Court has validated are counted. Hopefully not too far into the summer.
And please, please, please wear masks when you go out. It looks like all of you have tape over your mouth and fulfills my fondest wish for all of you to finally shut up.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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