Let The Dead Vote!

Satire1, in response to the numerous accusations that the dead are deciding the current disputed election, has concluded that both the Lying Liberal Media and the Evidence Unburdened President have both ignored the voice of the American dead and has sought to correct this obvious injustice. 

In this pursuit Satire1 has spent the last three days contacting spirits, ghosts, mediums, gypsies and owners of analog television sets and landline telephones to get a sampling of the opinions and actions of the deceased during this election week. 

Former Supreme Court Justice Scalia

“Ever since the passing of the generation of the Founding Fathers this country has been ruled by the dead. To this day we are guided solely by the unwritten intent of the writers of the Constitution. I, as a Original Intentionalist, was blessed with a gypsy maid who put me in regular contact with Al Hamilton and Jimmy Madison, the main authors of The Federalist Papers. Now that I’m also dead we all play golf together and never mention politics or law.”

Abraham Lincoln

“I voted in Illinois Tuesday where my spirit resides. I must say I gave quite a scare to the poor young poll workers who were kind and brave enough to fill in for the usual seniors leery of this new germ that’s been getting all the attention. The seniors never seemed to pay me any mind in the past. I’m just kind of a shadow that falls across their minds every time democracy gets dusted off again.”

George Washington

“I’ve voted in every presidential election in Virginia since we’ve had them. I practice every American’s right to write in my vote. I always put down NOT ME. Let some other chump have that office.”

 Carrie Nation

“I smashed more saloons in my time than probably almost anybody and in most states bars used to be closed on election days but after this week I think I need a drink.”

Hilary Clinton

“People continue to mistake me for being alive just because I’m still breathing but believe me no one is as dead as a frontrunner who loses an election.”

Mark Twain

 “Now why on earth can’t the dead vote in this election? Just take a look at the candidates. Both the Orange Bear and the Silver Fox look like they just got off of a drunk mortician’s table.”

Don Arrup

Satire1