Zombie Versus Vampire Banks

Bank of America is called such as it is bought and paid for by all Americans. As spent as the post honeymoon gonads of a octanagerian BA has gone from a gigantic mausoleum capable of only foreclosing homes and raising credit card fees to a black hole tax hole insatiable financial vampire too big to fail and to deep to nail.

Garlic will not protect you nor the cross. Bank of America cannot see itself in the mirror or face the sun but it knows what it needs: Your tax dollars.

“We are America. We are the Bank.”

Obama weighed in at a press conference.

“You see, the American people are so used to being sucked dry by these big banks that if we let them fail, for even a day, the shock to our system could be fatal. We could drown in our own blood so to speak. We’re like those pale women in negligees wandering inside the glass vestibules around the bank machines waiting for the bank to open- like Dracula’s coffin. Sure, it’s clean and there’s no cobwebs or bats flying around. And once in a while you see somebody actually walk out with some rather than just the chumps pinching the blood nipple machine for enough green to get a sandwich.”

“The first protection I will ask from Congress is that the Banks can’t take your pants. The American people need to have their butts covered. The Banks have already agreed to this in principle because if the American people don’t have pants they don’t have pockets and if they don’t have pockets where are the Banks and myself going to put our hands? So our Administration and the Banks have agreed to join hands while they are still in your pockets to protect your family jewels and treasure. This is the way to prosperity and a brighter future. We are Americans because we are the depositors, debtors and now guardian uncles of the Bank of America. Bank bless America and Bank bless all of you.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Promises To End Suffering Of Super Rich

President Obama in a press conference today stated that the United States would not stand by while both the country and the world’s super rich continue to suffer in this economic downturn.

“America will not stand by as zillionaires are reduced to billionaires before our very eyes. America will not watch hard working families who through sweat and sacrifice endured birth in order to make their dreams come true be reduced to almost imaginable wealth. Not only here in our country but around the world.”

“The American people are a generous and compassionate people and understand that the magnificent bounty provided us through this abundant land bestows on us an obligation to secure the massive fortunes of not only the super rich of our country but the super rich of the world as well. For one thing, few countries have the combined wealth to match their super rich citizens. Someone is going to have to pick up the slack and that someone is the American taxpayer who for generations has been the world’s guarantor of obscene legacies and amassments.”

“While we speak, the Rothschilds face foreclosure on their summer country and may soon be forced to abandon it to its native inhabitants if we do not act soon. The gross domestic product of France no where near approaches the loss the family faces if we do not step up to the plate and bail out these fabled folk. America does not forget that it was the Rothchilds who provided the credit line America needed when it and the world faced its darkest hours in the Second World War. The fact that the family also financed the Third Reich throughout its rise to power and conquest is beside the point. Hitler was never given the favorable rates America enjoyed and that was the difference that saved the world.”

“Tonight, as Americans gather in their boxes underneath their bridges sleepless with worry that the Rothchilds, Rockefellers and Hapsburgs may be facing deprivation I assure that we will identify any working American who has two nickels to rub together and that I will get one of those nickels to the Rothchilds and other needy families like them.”

Got any change?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Night Of The Living Banks

On Main Streets across the United States agents of the FDIC armed with nets and blowtorches hunt down zombie banks. Loan dead creatures whose debt and inactivity sucks the blood out of local economies and threatens wider regions and the nation. Shareholders on paper plantations have become the prey. Armies of the foreclosed gather and squat in unfinished developments called Obamavilles terrorizing the early buyers who purchased within their means.

The Environmental Protection Agency has taken over Wall Street as a toxic loan dump. Doctor Frankenbama injects capital with lighting legislation but the stats are flat or falling. Shitty Bank and Bum of America hang in the balance.

I need health care. There’s no hospital in this town. I’m due this month. Don’t worry. We’re ordering the cement now.

Infants plucked from their mother’s breasts to march into the exploded Head Start program. If people had to take porn sites out on dates the economy would get going again. Screw the infrastructure. Land planes on rivers like they do in New York.

Stimulus. Stimulus. Throw money at it. When the bear sees its greenbacks it will run away. Then we can build a bonfire to keep us warm till May.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Don't Bank On It

When I was in grade school the local bank gave us folding cardboard dime holders or bank cards in which you were encouraged to save up one hundred dimes for ten bucks, the minimum deposit at the bank. I never made it to fifty. I was no different than the government schooling me at the time. I bought the same things: guns, tanks, planes and bridges in a more modest form. Always had public works going. The bank was educating us in saving and thrift or they just couldn’t get their hands in our pockets soon enough. The government guaranteed your deposit and the FBI had killed all the bank robbers. When I got a paper route I quickly filled one up and opened an account. I would get a statement every year showing my accrued interest. I never put another dime in that bank. By the time I was paid in checks and needed an account charges had been introduced and my one hundred plus dimes were gone. My original nest egg was bank charged into oblivion.

I have since calculated that the bank has turned my ten bucks into a billion dollars. My ten dollars became the seed money on which they leveraged a hundred dollar loan for a used car. Once the car was paid off they took that hundred and leveraged a loan for a thousand dollars for new car. That paid off they leveraged the ten fold for another ten fold loan for a crummy house. Then for the good house, the big house, the mansion, the hotel culminating in a privately owned prison, the cash cow of American real estate.

Prisons will not slow down with the economy. They will thrive. Even more than they do now. All the other assets that grew out of the loans are crap now. Now the prison is the castle on the hill. Banks and prisons both have bars. We keep money prisoner but it still controls us or out of controls us which brings us to the present situation. Since no one knows what is going on we are all experts.

Almost everyone I know owes some bank-student loans, mortgages, credit cards and the quiet grip of an empty dime card. The money’s here behind our thick walls. We won’t show it to you but we have wide lapels and pinstripes and fat cigars to smoke in our big car. You can trust us. We might even be called trust. Don’t go to a savings and loan. They’re uninsured pirates posting bail for squatters and calling it homeownership. I listened to all this and watched the neighborhood bank that provided the dime card eaten by a citywide bank which was eaten by the statewide bank which was eaten by a regional bank helping it to become a national bank. I thought eventually there would be just one bank, The Bank. And I thought The Bank would own the government. Instead the government owns the banks. I guess we won.

Don Arrup
Satire1