Senator Barack Obama threatens to end the increasing democratization of presidential speech enjoyed under President George W. Bush by dragging the political discourse upward and over the heads of many Americans. Where as Bush stayed within an elementary school range Obama’s high school vocabulary will leave many citizens out of the debate wondering what all the fuss is about. Since his appeal in the primaries proved to be mostly among the more educated he has chosen to address them alone employing 10th grade words to describe the complexities of the problems the nation faces.
“The fact that he even has a vocabulary shows he’s not one of us,” noted Fred Flintstone of Bedrock. “He talks about our children’s futures but my kids can’t understand him. They’ve never had any trouble understanding President Bush and they’re older now”
“I hope he doesn’t plan to impress the terrorists with his fancy Harvard talk,” says Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills. “All they learn in school is how to hate Jews and Americans and make atomic bombs. They don’t even know the Bible.”
“You know why his speeches are on You Tube? Its because everyone has to listen to them five times with a dictionary beside them to have any idea what he’s talking about,” said George of the Jungle. “I don’t see why he can’t draw pictures or better yet make cartoons to explain how diplomacy works.”
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Tarzan. “Big White Yale Man I understand. We’re right. They’re wrong. We’re good. They’re bad. You’re either our slave or our enemy. Everybody in world understands him. No problem.”
“If diplomacy is going to have any chance of working you’ve got to keep the message clear and simple,” says Archie Bunker of Queens. “You can take most of George W’s speeches and act them out in a few gestures that foreigners can understand. A lot of these foreigners don’t even speak English you know. ”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Bush Calls for Eco-Sanctions on Iran
Due to the Iranian government’s continued refusal to comply with the Atomic Energy Commission’s inspections President Bush is calling on the Security Council of the United Nations to impose a sanction of the Earth’s atmosphere on Iran denying them both air and sunlight until measurable progress can be demonstrated. The sanction would in effect create a bio-dome over Persian territory for the unforeseeable future.
“Since economic sanctions haven’t worked its time we got crazy and start using ecological ones,” said President Bush in a special news conference held on the White House lawn Tuesday. “Our scientists assure me that the Sun has been producing solar power by nuclear fusion not sanctioned by the AEC so Iran has been in violation going back perhaps as much as a couple of hundred years.”
When asked how the United States and the international community planned to create this bio-dome the President smiled. “It won’t cost the American taxpayer a penny. All we have to do is allow China and India to keep doing what they’re doing and then encourage Iraq. Pakistan and Afghanistan to do the same. In a few years the pollution won’t allow a ray of sunshine or a breath of breathable air into the whole region.”
“This means more solar power will be available for our economy to harness since we won’t be sharing it with that part of the world,” the President continued. When a reporter suggested that the pollution was liable to disperse throughout the Earth’s atmosphere and poison us as well the President became annoyed. “There’s no hard evidence that that will happen. Just look at Los Angeles if you can see it; it has had no effect on the blue skies of Hawaii.”
As reporters continued to express doubt as to the safety of the proposal President Bush became belligerent. “I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any sacrifice to be made by the American people. My mother loves the rugs from that region but we’re going to have to choose between breathable air and national security. I think the last two elections proved where the American people come out on that question.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Since economic sanctions haven’t worked its time we got crazy and start using ecological ones,” said President Bush in a special news conference held on the White House lawn Tuesday. “Our scientists assure me that the Sun has been producing solar power by nuclear fusion not sanctioned by the AEC so Iran has been in violation going back perhaps as much as a couple of hundred years.”
When asked how the United States and the international community planned to create this bio-dome the President smiled. “It won’t cost the American taxpayer a penny. All we have to do is allow China and India to keep doing what they’re doing and then encourage Iraq. Pakistan and Afghanistan to do the same. In a few years the pollution won’t allow a ray of sunshine or a breath of breathable air into the whole region.”
“This means more solar power will be available for our economy to harness since we won’t be sharing it with that part of the world,” the President continued. When a reporter suggested that the pollution was liable to disperse throughout the Earth’s atmosphere and poison us as well the President became annoyed. “There’s no hard evidence that that will happen. Just look at Los Angeles if you can see it; it has had no effect on the blue skies of Hawaii.”
As reporters continued to express doubt as to the safety of the proposal President Bush became belligerent. “I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any sacrifice to be made by the American people. My mother loves the rugs from that region but we’re going to have to choose between breathable air and national security. I think the last two elections proved where the American people come out on that question.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Obama Considers General for Vice President
North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad told the Associated Press today that Sen. Obama’s VP vetting team was looking at retired generals as possible candidates to balance the ticket against war hero John McCain. Satire1 asked citizens on the street which retired general they thought might make a good running mate for Obama.
“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”
“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”
“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”
“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”
“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”
“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”
“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
China and Israel to replace Michigan and Florida Primaries
Even though it appears that Barack Obama has secured the Democratic nomination Satire1 has learned that the super agenda committee of the National Democratic Party has decided to hold secret primaries in China and Israel to replace the delegates from Michigan and Florida. We have contacted some of our friends in the two countries to see what they think of this development.
“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “
“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”
“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”
“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “
“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”
“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”
“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Meat in Space
There is no reason why Americans have to endure vegetarian courses just because their grandparents were not as affluent as we are today. Desert should be meat. The English who are envied across the world for their lively cuisine eat meat pies: Shepard’s pie, pork pie, steak and kidney pie, whatever you can find dead in the woods pie. Forget ice cream. Meat cream. Jell-O? Hello. Jiggly consume. Hot blood sundaes. Kids want something cold? Jam a stick into a frozen hamburger patty and viola a meatsicle. Coconut shrimp is desert. I don’t care how low cut her neckline is. Barbecue anything and its desert. That sauce is 80% sugar and 100% corn syrup along with some stuff you really don’t need. Sounds like desert to me. Don’t eat the apple eat the worm. He’s the winner. Just boil him in maple syrup and whatever fat that isn't attached to you. There’s more lard in a doughnut than a suckling pig so that’s covered. Cops know how to eat. If we can put meat on the Moon we can break the stranglehold that fruit and a couple of foreign beans have on our most precious confections.
“Cherries jubilee and Bananas Foster are po’ folk fare,” explains Horst Schwinehund, pastry chef of The Fountain of Meat in Chicago. “No dessert should be served that isn’t built around pork.” Horst went on to describe a drive he took with his family through the Illinois countryside.
“Mile after mile we drove past animals just hanging out on fields or in pens. It’s a scandal. How do you explain that to your children when you’re sending them to bed with only ice cream and cake in their bellies after they’ve slaved over Nintendo for hours? Those anibums should be covered in chocolate and sitting on multicolored paper plates.”
“We certainly have enough meat available to us in this country,” said Wilbert Boetog, Professor Emeritus of Butchery at the University of Meat in St. Louis, “there is no reason why our children should be exposed to vegetables until they are at least old enough to vote.”
“Just look what’s happening in Tibet right now,” he added, “those vegetarian Buddhists are getting their heads crushed in thinking they can kick out the carnivores. Never happen. They’re going to get eaten up.”
“Zoos are the worst offenders. City zoos should be a lunch counter in the park where you can get a zebra sandwich or monkey dog,” says Felicia Grott of the Meat and Drug Administration, “The happy animals in children’s books and cartoons are sending out the wrong message to our young: that animals are our friends and we should be like them and hang out all day bothering each other and acting like we’re on ecstasy. This in no way prepares children for the man eat dog world they’re going to have to compete in.”
“I think we’ve been missing out on a whole host of desert animals that are around us everyday. We could breed gerbils and guinea pigs just as fast as kids could eat them. Isn’t that better than wasting their little lives running on wheel cages all day? Just look at their eyes. They’re saying please eat me now I’m bored to death and I hate kids.”
“It’s different with dogs and cats. We get to neuter them and a lot of them have jobs. But I don’t see why we need starlings and bluebirds flapping around when we have ipods. It’ll take months of advertising on the kid’s channels but they’ll be screaming for Honey Beaks if we just do the right thing.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Cherries jubilee and Bananas Foster are po’ folk fare,” explains Horst Schwinehund, pastry chef of The Fountain of Meat in Chicago. “No dessert should be served that isn’t built around pork.” Horst went on to describe a drive he took with his family through the Illinois countryside.
“Mile after mile we drove past animals just hanging out on fields or in pens. It’s a scandal. How do you explain that to your children when you’re sending them to bed with only ice cream and cake in their bellies after they’ve slaved over Nintendo for hours? Those anibums should be covered in chocolate and sitting on multicolored paper plates.”
“We certainly have enough meat available to us in this country,” said Wilbert Boetog, Professor Emeritus of Butchery at the University of Meat in St. Louis, “there is no reason why our children should be exposed to vegetables until they are at least old enough to vote.”
“Just look what’s happening in Tibet right now,” he added, “those vegetarian Buddhists are getting their heads crushed in thinking they can kick out the carnivores. Never happen. They’re going to get eaten up.”
“Zoos are the worst offenders. City zoos should be a lunch counter in the park where you can get a zebra sandwich or monkey dog,” says Felicia Grott of the Meat and Drug Administration, “The happy animals in children’s books and cartoons are sending out the wrong message to our young: that animals are our friends and we should be like them and hang out all day bothering each other and acting like we’re on ecstasy. This in no way prepares children for the man eat dog world they’re going to have to compete in.”
“I think we’ve been missing out on a whole host of desert animals that are around us everyday. We could breed gerbils and guinea pigs just as fast as kids could eat them. Isn’t that better than wasting their little lives running on wheel cages all day? Just look at their eyes. They’re saying please eat me now I’m bored to death and I hate kids.”
“It’s different with dogs and cats. We get to neuter them and a lot of them have jobs. But I don’t see why we need starlings and bluebirds flapping around when we have ipods. It’ll take months of advertising on the kid’s channels but they’ll be screaming for Honey Beaks if we just do the right thing.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 26, 2008
In Memorial
Satire1 suspends its wit this post in memory of the individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 19, 2008
Clinton Sweeps Osama in West Virginia
Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia Democratic Presidential Primary on May 13th leading Osama Bin Laden by more than forty per cent. Senator Barack Obama was also on the ballot but no one knew who he was.
“Being a terrorist himself he should know how to deal with these guys,” said Tex Whittie of Mingo County who voted for Bin Laden, “and he’s the richest of all these millionaires running so he’s probably the smartest.” When asked if he considered Barack Obama as a choice Tex said, “I saw him once on TV and he seems like a pretty smart guy but he’s only a senator in Al-Qaeda. What this country needs is the head guy.”
“I voted for Billary Clinton the last two times and was thrilled to support him again,” said Marge Nobainer of Pocahontas County, “and he should use Monica Lewinski again as Secretary of State. She has great secretarial skills and could make some real headway with those Talibanians.” When informed that it was Bill’s wife Hillary who was running Marge seemed surprised. “That big headed stud talking on the back of the pickup truck was his wife? I’m not for gay marriage.”
“I wouldn’t consider that Obama fellow after I heard how his preacher caused 9/11 and gave truck drivers AIDS,” said Milbore Chesston of Wirt.
“I didn’t know Hillary and Ben Laden were in the Senate together till yesterday,” said Eloise Poke of Boone. “I thought she had a real job. I would have voted for John McCain but I don’t see how he could run the country from a North Korean prison cell.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Being a terrorist himself he should know how to deal with these guys,” said Tex Whittie of Mingo County who voted for Bin Laden, “and he’s the richest of all these millionaires running so he’s probably the smartest.” When asked if he considered Barack Obama as a choice Tex said, “I saw him once on TV and he seems like a pretty smart guy but he’s only a senator in Al-Qaeda. What this country needs is the head guy.”
“I voted for Billary Clinton the last two times and was thrilled to support him again,” said Marge Nobainer of Pocahontas County, “and he should use Monica Lewinski again as Secretary of State. She has great secretarial skills and could make some real headway with those Talibanians.” When informed that it was Bill’s wife Hillary who was running Marge seemed surprised. “That big headed stud talking on the back of the pickup truck was his wife? I’m not for gay marriage.”
“I wouldn’t consider that Obama fellow after I heard how his preacher caused 9/11 and gave truck drivers AIDS,” said Milbore Chesston of Wirt.
“I didn’t know Hillary and Ben Laden were in the Senate together till yesterday,” said Eloise Poke of Boone. “I thought she had a real job. I would have voted for John McCain but I don’t see how he could run the country from a North Korean prison cell.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Hell Care
We have about as much of a system of Health Care in this country as we had oversight in the housing market and disaster relief for New Orleans. We pay enough in insurance to send every eighth citizen to the Moon and that’s where they and another quarter of the population might as well be if they get sick. Satire1 asked the three presidential candidates to forget their proposals for a minute and just tell us what they want for themselves and their families from our health care chaos.
BO
I don’t see doctors anymore. They have too many opinions. Jeremiah Wright is a Doctor of Theology and he’s crazy. The guy who was giving me physicals in Chicago bought an option on tickets for the Cubs in the World Series this fall. Crazy. My wife and daughter go to an OBGYN. What does that mean? They still have their time of the month and rip me a new one in between. I don’t know what your tax dollars are paying for.
I go online to Web Sawbones and type in my symptoms and then order the drugs from Mexico. With orders over three hundred dollars they throw in a carton of Marlboros.
I have a health care plan something like Hillary’s. It won’t make much of a difference even if it gets past the lobbyists. Might get kids covered. That would be something, America caring for its kids. You know what makes me sick? Thinking about health care.
HC
Everywhere I go and speak to the American people I am always asked what’s the real difference between my health care plan and Senator Obama’s and I tell them, there’s no difference. There’s no difference between Senator Obama’s and my plan and Senator McCain’s. We’re all on the United States Senate’s millionaire club plan. We’re completely covered for whatever we want or need and you’re paying for it. You’re not going to get that. Oh, I’ll force your employer to offer you something that you’ll be forced to take which should make both of you miserable and drive more jobs overseas. You see my plan is all about choice.
JM
I won’t go to a doctor with a handicap over six. If he’s a surgeon he better not be four over par. And I try to get photographs of their golf shoes. They’ll tell you a lot more about his skill than the waste paper he’s framed over his wall. We’ll find a way to make health insurance premiums affordable to most Americans. We’ll never be able to get the insurance companies to pay up but under my administration I guarantee that you will be refused care by a licensed medical doctor or registered nurse. You don’t need layers of wasteful bureaucracy to say no. No matter what’s wrong with you you’re all right in my book. Of course, if either of my opponents has their way you’ll have a Jamaican woman waving a chicken over your head and telling you to drink more green tea.
Don Arrup
Satire1
BO
I don’t see doctors anymore. They have too many opinions. Jeremiah Wright is a Doctor of Theology and he’s crazy. The guy who was giving me physicals in Chicago bought an option on tickets for the Cubs in the World Series this fall. Crazy. My wife and daughter go to an OBGYN. What does that mean? They still have their time of the month and rip me a new one in between. I don’t know what your tax dollars are paying for.
I go online to Web Sawbones and type in my symptoms and then order the drugs from Mexico. With orders over three hundred dollars they throw in a carton of Marlboros.
I have a health care plan something like Hillary’s. It won’t make much of a difference even if it gets past the lobbyists. Might get kids covered. That would be something, America caring for its kids. You know what makes me sick? Thinking about health care.
HC
Everywhere I go and speak to the American people I am always asked what’s the real difference between my health care plan and Senator Obama’s and I tell them, there’s no difference. There’s no difference between Senator Obama’s and my plan and Senator McCain’s. We’re all on the United States Senate’s millionaire club plan. We’re completely covered for whatever we want or need and you’re paying for it. You’re not going to get that. Oh, I’ll force your employer to offer you something that you’ll be forced to take which should make both of you miserable and drive more jobs overseas. You see my plan is all about choice.
JM
I won’t go to a doctor with a handicap over six. If he’s a surgeon he better not be four over par. And I try to get photographs of their golf shoes. They’ll tell you a lot more about his skill than the waste paper he’s framed over his wall. We’ll find a way to make health insurance premiums affordable to most Americans. We’ll never be able to get the insurance companies to pay up but under my administration I guarantee that you will be refused care by a licensed medical doctor or registered nurse. You don’t need layers of wasteful bureaucracy to say no. No matter what’s wrong with you you’re all right in my book. Of course, if either of my opponents has their way you’ll have a Jamaican woman waving a chicken over your head and telling you to drink more green tea.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, May 5, 2008
Obama attends Wrong Church
Senator Barack Obama having broken ties with long time pastor and evangelator Rev. Jeremiah Wright declared, “Wright is wrong so I’m attending Rev. Wrong’s church because he is right.”
Rev. Wrong’s Middle Kingdom Not Chinese Church of Somebody Saved Some of Us in Chicago also has some controversial positions and its own Liberation Theology. Dr, Wrong’s SSSU Church holds that—
--Black Muslims created the HIV virus at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland in 1974 to kill drug addicts, gays, milkmen and barbers. The master plan proved only a partial success; there are no more milkmen.
--American Slavery was the result of a multi-generational conspiracy to get in on the New World. North Western African tribes paid the Arabs to sell them to the Dutch and Portuguese. Alex Haley and black scholars have known about this for years but fear the loss Affirmative Action.
--There are no surviving descendants of the chosen people of the Bible. Jesus was the last Jew. The Arabs are their closest relatives but they got their own guy. Still, there was a Holocaust and it took place in New Jersey.
--Ireland is not a country. Scotland is.
--No one ever migrated to America for economic opportunity or political and religious freedoms. Everyone comes here because they heard you could get laid.
--White people can dance- just not to music.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Rev. Wrong’s Middle Kingdom Not Chinese Church of Somebody Saved Some of Us in Chicago also has some controversial positions and its own Liberation Theology. Dr, Wrong’s SSSU Church holds that—
--Black Muslims created the HIV virus at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland in 1974 to kill drug addicts, gays, milkmen and barbers. The master plan proved only a partial success; there are no more milkmen.
--American Slavery was the result of a multi-generational conspiracy to get in on the New World. North Western African tribes paid the Arabs to sell them to the Dutch and Portuguese. Alex Haley and black scholars have known about this for years but fear the loss Affirmative Action.
--There are no surviving descendants of the chosen people of the Bible. Jesus was the last Jew. The Arabs are their closest relatives but they got their own guy. Still, there was a Holocaust and it took place in New Jersey.
--Ireland is not a country. Scotland is.
--No one ever migrated to America for economic opportunity or political and religious freedoms. Everyone comes here because they heard you could get laid.
--White people can dance- just not to music.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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