Ayatollah Condemns Violence In Minnesota's Senate Election

As the boarders close between Minneapolis and St. Paul and the Minnesota National Guard is called out by Gov. Tim Pawlenty to disarm the State Police, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, called on the international fantasy community to condemn the violence in the Gopher State. At the heart of the civil war are the disputed election returns from last November’s U.S. Senate race between incumbent Neanderthal Norm Coleman and challenger Hippie Al Franken.

“The city of St. Paul is appalled by the Governor’s suppression of the demonstrations calling for the seating of Al Franken to give the Democrats the filibuster busting 60th seat,” said Mayor Mary Richards.

“The election results are a farce,” said Mayor Ted Baxter of Minneapolis, “in a state with 4 million voters how could anyone win by as many as 300 votes in a recount that only took seven months?”

Violence escalated when Minneapolis’ most famous resident Minerva (Minnie) Mouse was shot down in the streets while protesting the protests. A camera crew from WJM-TV’s Six O’clock News was on hand to ask Ms. Mouse whom she had voted for. With her dying breath she confessed she could not remember the election having been so long ago. “Since breaking up with Mickey I’ve learned to live in the here and now.”

President Obama threatened grave repercussions if the Iranian meddling continues. “Though I along with former President Reagan owe our elections to the Iranian leadership, the people of Minnesota will decide for themselves who will be Mickey Mouse’s next girlfriend.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Wins Recount in Iranian Election

In a surprising development in the Iranian Presidential elections, George Walker Bush is declared the winner in a recount conducted by the Revolutionary Death to All Jews and Americans Council, a non-partisan group. The Supreme Court in Tehran and the Ayatollah Big Meanie publicly sanctioned the results and pledge full cooperation. Former United States President Bush responded to his victory on his ranch in Texas.

“The people of Iran have spoken and what they want is change. As the Iranian Supreme Leader I will ratchet up the nuclear program and prepare the country to meet its greatest threat: the aggression of the United States Military in its backyard. I will demand from the legislature unlimited powers to take back the Straits of Vermouth immediately and double funding to Hamas and Hezbollah in order to kick start a middle east peace process.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidate Wins Election

Someone was elected to the Office of the Presidency of the United States today as a record number of voters voted for him or his opponent. It will probably take years to decide the outcome. Dozens of challenges in every state, Puerto Rico and Guam along with national challenges already being petitioned to the Supreme Court are being scheduled as militias form in front of strip joints, opera houses and via the Internet.

The FBI attacked CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia while the Air Force sank the majority of the Navy’s home fleet in Norfolk, Sand Diego and Hawaii. Marines are holding against the Army and managed to destroy the Pentagon. The National Forestry Service is holding twenty-two agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hostage while the Coast Guard is massacring the Border Patrol. Every free gun is hunting IRS investigators while some Post Office employees are being spared- but not many. Stock and commodity exchanges turned into roadhouses. Congress a kung fu movie. Cities riot, countrysides revolt, hermits having no one else to kill commit suicide.

Households across the country are experiencing a level of violence unseen before even during the holidays. “People just shouldn’t be within eyesight of each other. Its just asking for trouble,” said Hiram Gonatz, proprietor of a used adult books store. “Its just one of those situations where anyone with an opinion is the mortal enemy of anyone else with an opinion. Even if they agree.”

President Bush, having just emerged from murdering the late Vice President Dick Chaney in an ultimate fighting challenge, declared that it was everyone for them selves.

Ain’t democracy great?

Vote.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Primary Of Horrors

A Halloween Treat From Satire1's Pre Blog Email List


Friday, March 9 2008

Last Monday Samantha Powers, a Harvard professor advising Barack Obama, told the Scotsman newspaper that Hillary Clinton was a "monster." Though the assessment came as no surprise we are disappointed that Ms. Powers declined to identify just what type of monster Mrs. Clinton is. Fortunately, Satire1 obtained an interview with Toaz Peetrie, professor of Gothic Biology at John Hopkins University and the world's leading expert on the genetics of supernatural species. We asked professor Peetrie to identify not only Hillary Clinton but also all of the recent candidates for the presidency. The following is his assessment verbatim.

Obama is the twenty-first century incarnation of Dracula or, rather, Blackula, feeding off the drippings of bleeding heart liberals. He is suave, exotic, international and hypnotic and have you checked out the widow's peak on his wife? Clinton had him dead to rights in the polls less than four months ago but since she didn't drive one through his heart all she can hope to do now is trick him out into the sunlight.

McCain is definitely the Mummy. The Vietnamese probably used black Taoist techniques and embalming methods to turn him into some sort of Hanoian candidate during his five-year imprisonment. Even Rush Limbaugh couldn't kill him. This is not a human conservative we're talking about. If elected, McCain will certainly last over a hundred years and probably still be president. He might even attempt to untangle us from Iraq at that time if that's what the Vietnamese want.

Romney is a shape shifter, a technique the Mormons might have secretly learned from Navajo Skinwalkers. Liberal yesterday, moderate today, promising to be a conservative after elected, this power should have made Romney all things to all people but he ended up being nothing to nobody.

Huckabee is the latest variation of the Frankenstein monster. When the social conservatives saw the Republican field they quickly dug up the remains of Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell to piece together the best governor they could. They would have been successful too had William F. Buckley not lived so long. They really could have used his brain.

And Hillary? Hillary was the toughest call and I consulted with other experts from around the world. At first the hair suggested werewolf but closer inspection concluded that she is the Sphinx. It was just so hard to tell with the pantsuits.



Don Arrup
Satire1

Polls Show McCain Still In The Polls

Recent questions from the most publicized polls

Which candidate are you currently supporting, Obama or the Democratic nominee?

Which candidate do you feel could best handle the economy, Obama or the Democratic nominee?

Which candidate do you feel is more likely to get us into another war, McCain or the Republican nominee?

Is Barack Obama black enough to play for the Harlem Globetrotters?

Is John McCain too old to play in the NFL?

Is Sarah Palin a woman?

Joe Biden?

If another terrorist attack devastated New York would it be more harmful to the country than Wall Street remaining intact?

If New Orleans is flooded by another hurricane who is the better swimmer, Obama or McCain?

If the Earth is attacked by bigheaded Martians with rude booties who is better qualified to negotiate with them, Obama or McCain?

Who do you think could negotiate a better trade deal with the insect world, Obama or McCain?

If China and India surpass us in technology and trade us into the Stone Age who could build the best fire, Obama or McCain?

If Russia invades Alaska and Hawaii who cares?

Which candidate most reminds you of Elvis Priestly?

Which candidate most reminds you of John McCain?

Just who the hell is Barack Obama?

When will this clown show be over?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidates Come Out Against Straight Marriage

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have both declared their opposition to heterosexual marriage and have similar plans to end the socio-economic institution before the end of their first terms.

“All this talk about outlawing gay marriage and changing the Constitution is a subterfuge and conspiracy of the restaurant and florist lobbies,” said McCain. “They want a amendment to the Constitution to protect marriage because marriage is unconstitutional and totally foreign to the principals this country was founded on.” McCain told reporters that God, Jesus Christ and Grover Cleveland never married while everyone in the Bible or who had signed the Declaration of Independence who did marry died. “This institution is an unchristian cancer brought over by the basest elements from the Old World along with slavery and taxes to infect and subjugate a free people. We must not allow the American people to sacrifice their God given freedom to maintain the premise of sitcoms.”

Obama concurred at a separate press conference later that day. “This is another area, along with the sellout, where Senator McCain and I are in complete agreement. I taught Constitutional Law and I can assure you that nowhere in that precious document will you find the authority of the Federal government or the States to grant one citizen genital monopolization over another. And I think it’s vital for the American people to understand that it doesn’t matter if it’s mutual and reciprocal. It’s a sexual suicide pact coerced upon people in the most vulnerable psychological state of their adult lives. I’m referring to the hormonal rage known as infatuation.”

“People don’t rise into love. They fall into it,” McCain said. “Like they fall into debt or addiction. There is no being sort of in love or kind of maybe. That’s just the confusion that follows the wild, all consuming rage of those first few years of uncontrolled copulation. Listen to the songs. I knew Johnny Cash and I am telling you he was not lying. If you could have seen him, as I have, sing Ring of Fire, live. I was there and I saw what everyone who was there saw. Johnny went down down down and the flames got higher. And let me tell you my friends it burns burns burns that ring of fire. He was talking about love. The dangerous madness of love that can lead to marriage and he was married to June Carter, a country western star of her own right who was as built as her hair. I never forgot it.”

“Adam and Eve were not married,” said Obama, “and Eve had never even seen a wedding gown magazine. They were exclusive because there wasn’t anyone else around. They did the tour of Paradise. Everything looked great the first time. But soon they’d seen it all and there was nothing else to do but talk to a snake about a fruit they weren’t supposed to eat. They had seen what all the other animals were doing. The animals weren’t married. They were just relaxed. They didn’t need some taboo food to get on down. The forbidden fruit was marriage. The snake was Satan and Satan is married. God isn’t married. If there was a Mrs. God don’t you think she’d let us know?”

“I’m married. It’s right in my book, Something of my Fathers,” McCain said. “I married twice and the only reason my sanity survived is the five years I spent as a prisoner of war. Being a prisoner of war taught me how to survive being a prisoner of love. And men usually have the better part of the deal. I know I do. Cindy is almost possible. Now, Senator Obama and I have a lot of areas of disagreement but with the current crisis in interpersonal relationships on the edge of bringing down every household in the country its time to put aside partisanship and do what is necessary for the good of the country and outlaw marriage.”

“But what about the kids? Who’s going to take care of the kids?” Obama asked the crowd. “The same ones’ who are taking care of them right now is my answer. Nobody. Nobody is taking care of the kids after they’re two years old. No one ever did. We feed them and provide for them and if we pay constant attention to them we might slow them down a bit but there is no controlling them. Why? They’re not married. They’re still free. And most of all, and this is very important, they don’t have kids. Kids don’t have kids that’s why they can be kids.”

“I am not trying to shame you. I’m married. My parents were married. That is not what this is about,” said McCain. “All the studies have shown that once marriage infects a family it perpetuates itself for generations. Your parents weren’t bad people because they were married. I honor my parents and do not blame them for what they did or what happened to me. Twice. It’s the whole system. Marriage has corrupted every institution in this country and perverted our biology. Our churches pay their heating bills with the services. Its part of the clergy and organists’ income. Florists, caterers, tailors, printers, bartenders, photographers, hairdressers, waiters, bakers, limousine drivers, department stores and that’s just for the ceremony! This money could be better spent fixing our vital infrastructure and creating energy independence. Smoke fish not cigarettes. The Japanese live longer because they have lower corporate taxes.”

“This is the change I’ve been talking about,” said Obama. “Fiddling with the tax code or getting one more doctor to stick god knows what god knows where in you after you been waiting on an examination table in a smock for two hours is not the change we need. That’s just more of the same. The change I’m talking about and Senator McCain is talking about is breaking the last chain of slavery we as a society have allowed to bind us.”

“You won’t have to get a divorce, I promise you,” McCain continued. “No one will ever again have to get a divorce because we will simply abolish marriage and banish it from our shores. The marriage lawyers with their prenups and divorce lawyers and all these gothic courts we’ve set up will dissolve. They will have to leach off of someone else’s misery. And I know what you’re thinking. If we think we have an immigration problem now wait till the billions of husbands and wives start heading to our shores seeking asylum from their vows. Well, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s going to be a real problem especially if they come from countries that don’t recognize divorce. All it takes is one liberal judge to offer asylum to one abused wife or pussy whipped husband and the floodgates open. We have to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have to write it right into the legislation that we will use our influence and our foreign policy to end the plague of matrimony in all nations but this country cannot save the entire world from itself. The burden will fall heaviest on young people just like it does in war. They will have to say no to their families, their clergy and their leaders by saying no to each other. We can’t save people from themselves. We can’t save nations from themselves. But we can save ourselves and our neighbors.”

“I see the Statue of Liberty,” said Obama, “holding up a sign. An international sign with two stick figures joined surrounded by a red circle with a line crossing diagonally through the couple. Ladies and gentlemen, that could be a reality if we all just split up and go our individual ways. It really is that easy if we all work separately as a nation. Something we’ve become very good at in the last forty years. So tell your children, your parents, your spouse and most importantly tell yourself, just say no to marriage.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin And Michelle Obama Dated Joe The Plumber

Neighbors and friends of Joe the Plumber confirmed rumors that the prospective Ohio businessman who spoke to Senator Obama and became a central topic of the last presidential debate had dated both Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin and Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s wife before they were married.

Confronted with the testimonies the plumber capitulated that he had always been a legman and never had a racial or political litmus test for those he dated. “I got around when I was younger and whether I was visiting Alaska or following my ball team to Chicago I always found that no matter where I went women have pipes,” said Joe. “I’m not sure how folks around here would know about my wider exploits since I’ve always been discrete about the bathrooms I’ve been in but I guess here and there I must have dropped a name to go with a Polaroid on my shop wall.”

Michelle Obama was reluctant to comment on the issue until a picture of her with Joe from 1987 where she was wearing a strapless purple dress was distributed on the Internet. “I do remember Joe. We met at a Big Boy’s on the south side. He showed up at a very special and vulnerable time in my life. He wasn’t like anyone I ever met in Chicago or Princeton. He had quite a wrench for a white boy and could tighten things I didn’t even know were loose.”

After hearing Ms. Obama’s comments Governor Palin decided to hold a press conference to address her relationship. “Of course I remember Joe. How could I forget him? He wasn’t just any old Joe. He was special and I’m sure he still is. We dated briefly since Joe was only in Anchorage for two nights. I tried to convince him to move to our fair state or at least come back after the thaw but Joe loved Ohio. Good ole Ohio Joe. He’s really the reason John and I are running for the Oval Office. To help people like Joe fulfill their dreams and clear our drains. You don’t happen to have his phone number? I’m in Ohio next week and Joe could really put some pump in my stump.”

The plumber was pleased after seeing the women’s responses. “It’s hard for me to recognize them with their clothes on but they both still look great,“ blow Joe. “There’s nothing number two about either of those ladies.”

The press asked Bob the Builder and Mr. Goodwrench if they might also share a past with either Governor Palin or Michelle Obama. “I don’t discuss the notches in my tool belt.” said Goodwrench. “Whatever I did with Paris, Britney, Oprah and Cher with my power tools is between us. No last names is my policy.”

“I’m gay,” said Bob the Builder, “but I sure wouldn’t mind erecting something with Barack and John is cute too in a Vietnam vet teddy bear sort of way.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidates Each Pledge $20 To Help Banks

The candidates were cornered together at a hot dog stand outside the Belmont University’s debating hall and finally admitted to Satire1 how bad the financial crisis really is. “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it at other fans,” said Obama. While McCain wasn’t nearly as optimistic, “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it into jet engines.”

The McCain campaign has hit the crisis running with proposals to fix the country’s fiscal crisis.
First, in order to stop sending billions overseas to China and Saudi Arabia McCain proposes drilling tunnels to both countries so we can simply pour our hard earned bucks to the communists and terrorists. “Its more efficient and the taxpayers can visit the money holes with their children to show them where their future is going.”
Second, McCain believes government acquired houses should be auctioned on EBay so the same wolves we’ve bailed out don’t grab up peoples’ dreams at a bargain basement prices. “I’ll see to it that the American people don’t end up like the three little pigs this time.”
Third, McCain is drafting legislation to bust up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who he claimed in the debates spearheaded the sub-prime loan crisis. “I don’t even think they’re married.”

Obama, in response, acknowledges the economic situation has changed and pledges that if elected he will curtail Washington from going out to dinner as often. “And that includes a ban on take out for every government agency. All that business going to Chinese restaurants is adding to the trade imbalance. Pizza isn’t on the table as yet since we are trying to coordinate the rescue with the European Union but when it gets here I have first slice.”

The candidates are already arguing over where to waste the next 700 billion as both the war in Iraq and the Bailout/rescue just aren’t sexy anymore. McCain believes the billions would best be wasted on a war with Iran while Obama wants to rebuild New Orleans in the middle of the gulf. “We’re never going to be able to beat nature down there so I propose rebuilding the city as a series of arks much like Noah built. If a hurricane comes we’ll have the Navy on standby to tug the town to safer waters.”

Governor Palin criticized Obama’s plan on the stump, “I am offended that a Muslim homegrown community organizer is stealing ideas from our God.” Palin said that she was tempted as a governor to visit New Orleans after Katrina but feared the area couldn’t withstand another bitch. “This is what can happen to a city that embraces jazz in the midst of so much wonderful country western music.”

Senator Biden declined comment on Obama’s ark plan saying he had never actually seen Streetcar Named Desire but liked Marlon Brando in his other roles. “I don’t think the American people have anything to fear. With a democratic majority in both houses and the White House we’ll find someplace to waste the money.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin's Pitbull Bites Obama's Pig For Stealing Its Lipstick

Months after McCain put lipstick on Hillary Clinton’s health care pig Obama smeared McCain and Palin’s Bush policies pig. Now sows across the nation feel pressure to put on makeup before leaving their pens to socialize with other barnyard animals.

“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”

Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”

Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.

All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.

“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”

“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”

“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin Faked Daughter's Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers

TOP PICKS FROM THE RNC RUMOR MILL

Palin Faked Daughter’s Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers
McCain declined comment saying he didn’t know much about biology.

Fiorina Says Calling Palin a Mother is Sexist
“All we hear about is her executive experience as a mayor and a governor but do you have any idea what it takes to place in a beauty contest?”

Poll Shows 61% of Voters Won’t Vote for Ex-Con McCain
“To the North Vietnamese McCain was a terrorist.”

McCain Accused of Fathering Palin’s Grandchild
“I’m telling you it wasn’t me. It was some liberal community organizer.”

Palin Finally Declined Bridge to Nowhere but Thanks the American People for her New Sun Room
“It faces North by North West and that’s exactly where Putin will come for us.”

Palin Says US ABMs in Poland Will Protect Russia From Invasion from Mars
“Everyone knows that the Red Planet is Communist and aggressive. We had been sending them diplomatic feelers for decades but they’re just the North Korea of Space.”

McCain is Obama’s Father, Biden Sired Palin
This should break the partisan gridlock.

Palin Doesn’t Believe in Evolution
Understandable since there is no sign of it among Alaskans.

Palin Says Community Organizers Caused All of Country’s Woes
Understandable since community organizers in Alaska are referred to in the lower 48 as heads of lynch mobs.

Pairs Hilton Has Never Met Palin
Makes all the other rumors sound plausible.

Palin Denies Putting Lipstick on her Pit-bull
“I’m the bitch in my house, thank you.

Biden Has Offered No Opinion on Palin
Yeah, right.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Headlines Overlooked During DNC

Obama Admits He Doesn't Know How Many Houses John McCain Owns
"I've never had to take John home after chambers and I've only been to Arizona a couple of times. Wonderful state though. May even still be in play. Needs more cities. Michelle's not a desert person."

McCain Hospitalized After Bad Hair Day
A spokesperson for the McCain campaign assured reporters that the Senator's hair was never in danger and that a group of top cosmetic surgeons were being flown in from Los Angeles as he spoke. "Senator McCain is totally in command of the crisis. We can't put America at risk. This could happen on the last day of our convention. John McCain and his campaign are fully focused on finding someone who can comb the Senator's hair."

Fourteen Way Tie For Worst Speech Ever Uttered At Democratic National Convention
"My husband thought I was great and I don't even give head."
"They laughed at the wrong parts."
"No one's afraid of hamburgers anymore."
"Cows have to stop farting. They're melting the polar caps."
"I lost my house."
"I lost my job."
"I lost my health coverage."
"I lost my mind."
"I lost my virginity."
About time.

Don Arrup
Satire1

McCain's the White Guy

On the campaign trail:
I’m sorry, McCain, I’m not voting for an ex-con for Big Man.
>I was a prisoner of war in Hanoi, North Vietnam.
What were you doing there?
>I was bombing their logistical lines.
And how was that making things better?
>I loved attacking the enemy.
Now you seem like a reasonable man.
>Yes, I’d say I am a reasonably reasonable man.
So, you do everything for a reason.
>Navy man.
So North Vietnam must have really messed with you.
>They weren’t always gracious hosts for the five years I stayed.
Well, you did bomb them first.
>Because they attacked South Vietnam.
And your cousins lived there.
>No, my honor lived there where my country had made a commitment. I was part of the flesh and blood of that commitment. It was an honor and I always strove to think about it and treat it as such.

On the street in Baltimore:
Yeah, I’m voting for McCain. Why shouldn’t we have a brother in the White Man’s House?
--No, no, McCain’s the white guy.
McCain’s done time and he got his college from being in the service.
--He wasn’t in the service he was in the Navy. He went to that Admirals’ College in Annapolis.
McCain’s got college and prison. He knows war and street.
--What’s his first name?
John.
--That’s the name of a guy who has to buy his ass.
It’s not all that white.
--Pimp’s meat.
What about John Henry—with the hammers?
--I’m telling you McCain’s the white guy. Even his hair is white.
What color’s his wife?
--Rich.
Who doesn’t like that color? Didn’t he grow up in Chicago?
--No, he was born in Coco Solo.
I thought he was from Africa.
--No, Coco Solo is in Panama.
He’s not from Chicago?
--That’s Obama.
No, Obama is Fred Flintstone’s kid.
--No, Bam Bam is Barney Rubble’s kid.
McCain is not a cartoon. I’m telling you he is a brother.
--I’m telling you he’s the white guy.
I know he’s got a white mama.
--They both do.
But I’ve seen pictures of him in the paper. He’s shade, man, just like you and me.
--Obama.
No, no, McCain, the brother.

Don Arrup
Satire1

McCain Accused of Sitting Out War in Hotel in Hanoi

Recent remarks made by retired general and former commander of NATO Wesley Clark expressing doubt that Senator John McCain’s military experience in any way prepared him to be president has stirred unexpected controversy:

“I’ve read in a number of sources over the years that John McCain stayed in the Hanoi Hilton for over five years while other members of his squadron had to fly dangerous missions over North Vietnam.” Said 42x. “I bet he was having tea with Jane Fonda and Ho Chi Min while his family was collecting his combat pay.”

“The North Vietnamese had to use the French luxury hotel because they couldn’t afford a proper prison,” said 6itch6, “It must have been humiliating for McCain to be forced to eat croissants and soufflés and drink champagne when he was used to the Academy diet. He probably had to wear a striped shirt and a beret like a French pimp. They were trying to take away his identity.”

“I think being in prison is the best preparation for being president,” said 5ma5. “In the White House he won’t be able to pull down his fly without a congressional hearing, the press watches your every move and you can’t get anything done except start a war. Its practically the same job.”

“So McCain lost the Vietnam war. We’re going to lose Iraq to Iran anyway,” said Ydumpme. “Winning wars is too expensive. McCain knows that if you lose you can go home. If we win like we did against the Germans and the Japanese we have to stay for half a century. There’s just no stomach for that.”

“I think General Clark is nuts,” said NbarN. “If Vietnam invades us again McCain will know just how to handle them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Considers General for Vice President

North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad told the Associated Press today that Sen. Obama’s VP vetting team was looking at retired generals as possible candidates to balance the ticket against war hero John McCain. Satire1 asked citizens on the street which retired general they thought might make a good running mate for Obama.

“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”

“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”

“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”

“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Clinton Sweeps Osama in West Virginia

Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia Democratic Presidential Primary on May 13th leading Osama Bin Laden by more than forty per cent. Senator Barack Obama was also on the ballot but no one knew who he was.

“Being a terrorist himself he should know how to deal with these guys,” said Tex Whittie of Mingo County who voted for Bin Laden, “and he’s the richest of all these millionaires running so he’s probably the smartest.” When asked if he considered Barack Obama as a choice Tex said, “I saw him once on TV and he seems like a pretty smart guy but he’s only a senator in Al-Qaeda. What this country needs is the head guy.”

“I voted for Billary Clinton the last two times and was thrilled to support him again,” said Marge Nobainer of Pocahontas County, “and he should use Monica Lewinski again as Secretary of State. She has great secretarial skills and could make some real headway with those Talibanians.” When informed that it was Bill’s wife Hillary who was running Marge seemed surprised. “That big headed stud talking on the back of the pickup truck was his wife? I’m not for gay marriage.”

“I wouldn’t consider that Obama fellow after I heard how his preacher caused 9/11 and gave truck drivers AIDS,” said Milbore Chesston of Wirt.

“I didn’t know Hillary and Ben Laden were in the Senate together till yesterday,” said Eloise Poke of Boone. “I thought she had a real job. I would have voted for John McCain but I don’t see how he could run the country from a North Korean prison cell.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama attends Wrong Church

Senator Barack Obama having broken ties with long time pastor and evangelator Rev. Jeremiah Wright declared, “Wright is wrong so I’m attending Rev. Wrong’s church because he is right.”

Rev. Wrong’s Middle Kingdom Not Chinese Church of Somebody Saved Some of Us in Chicago also has some controversial positions and its own Liberation Theology. Dr, Wrong’s SSSU Church holds that—

--Black Muslims created the HIV virus at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland in 1974 to kill drug addicts, gays, milkmen and barbers. The master plan proved only a partial success; there are no more milkmen.

--American Slavery was the result of a multi-generational conspiracy to get in on the New World. North Western African tribes paid the Arabs to sell them to the Dutch and Portuguese. Alex Haley and black scholars have known about this for years but fear the loss Affirmative Action.

--There are no surviving descendants of the chosen people of the Bible. Jesus was the last Jew. The Arabs are their closest relatives but they got their own guy. Still, there was a Holocaust and it took place in New Jersey.

--Ireland is not a country. Scotland is.

--No one ever migrated to America for economic opportunity or political and religious freedoms. Everyone comes here because they heard you could get laid.

--White people can dance- just not to music.



Don Arrup
Satire1