A Halloween Treat From Satire1's Pre Blog Email List
Friday, March 9 2008
Last Monday Samantha Powers, a Harvard professor advising Barack Obama, told the Scotsman newspaper that Hillary Clinton was a "monster." Though the assessment came as no surprise we are disappointed that Ms. Powers declined to identify just what type of monster Mrs. Clinton is. Fortunately, Satire1 obtained an interview with Toaz Peetrie, professor of Gothic Biology at John Hopkins University and the world's leading expert on the genetics of supernatural species. We asked professor Peetrie to identify not only Hillary Clinton but also all of the recent candidates for the presidency. The following is his assessment verbatim.
Obama is the twenty-first century incarnation of Dracula or, rather, Blackula, feeding off the drippings of bleeding heart liberals. He is suave, exotic, international and hypnotic and have you checked out the widow's peak on his wife? Clinton had him dead to rights in the polls less than four months ago but since she didn't drive one through his heart all she can hope to do now is trick him out into the sunlight.
McCain is definitely the Mummy. The Vietnamese probably used black Taoist techniques and embalming methods to turn him into some sort of Hanoian candidate during his five-year imprisonment. Even Rush Limbaugh couldn't kill him. This is not a human conservative we're talking about. If elected, McCain will certainly last over a hundred years and probably still be president. He might even attempt to untangle us from Iraq at that time if that's what the Vietnamese want.
Romney is a shape shifter, a technique the Mormons might have secretly learned from Navajo Skinwalkers. Liberal yesterday, moderate today, promising to be a conservative after elected, this power should have made Romney all things to all people but he ended up being nothing to nobody.
Huckabee is the latest variation of the Frankenstein monster. When the social conservatives saw the Republican field they quickly dug up the remains of Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell to piece together the best governor they could. They would have been successful too had William F. Buckley not lived so long. They really could have used his brain.
And Hillary? Hillary was the toughest call and I consulted with other experts from around the world. At first the hair suggested werewolf but closer inspection concluded that she is the Sphinx. It was just so hard to tell with the pantsuits.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Polls Show McCain Still In The Polls
Recent questions from the most publicized polls
Which candidate are you currently supporting, Obama or the Democratic nominee?
Which candidate do you feel could best handle the economy, Obama or the Democratic nominee?
Which candidate do you feel is more likely to get us into another war, McCain or the Republican nominee?
Is Barack Obama black enough to play for the Harlem Globetrotters?
Is John McCain too old to play in the NFL?
Is Sarah Palin a woman?
Joe Biden?
If another terrorist attack devastated New York would it be more harmful to the country than Wall Street remaining intact?
If New Orleans is flooded by another hurricane who is the better swimmer, Obama or McCain?
If the Earth is attacked by bigheaded Martians with rude booties who is better qualified to negotiate with them, Obama or McCain?
Who do you think could negotiate a better trade deal with the insect world, Obama or McCain?
If China and India surpass us in technology and trade us into the Stone Age who could build the best fire, Obama or McCain?
If Russia invades Alaska and Hawaii who cares?
Which candidate most reminds you of Elvis Priestly?
Which candidate most reminds you of John McCain?
Just who the hell is Barack Obama?
When will this clown show be over?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Which candidate are you currently supporting, Obama or the Democratic nominee?
Which candidate do you feel could best handle the economy, Obama or the Democratic nominee?
Which candidate do you feel is more likely to get us into another war, McCain or the Republican nominee?
Is Barack Obama black enough to play for the Harlem Globetrotters?
Is John McCain too old to play in the NFL?
Is Sarah Palin a woman?
Joe Biden?
If another terrorist attack devastated New York would it be more harmful to the country than Wall Street remaining intact?
If New Orleans is flooded by another hurricane who is the better swimmer, Obama or McCain?
If the Earth is attacked by bigheaded Martians with rude booties who is better qualified to negotiate with them, Obama or McCain?
Who do you think could negotiate a better trade deal with the insect world, Obama or McCain?
If China and India surpass us in technology and trade us into the Stone Age who could build the best fire, Obama or McCain?
If Russia invades Alaska and Hawaii who cares?
Which candidate most reminds you of Elvis Priestly?
Which candidate most reminds you of John McCain?
Just who the hell is Barack Obama?
When will this clown show be over?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Candidates Come Out Against Straight Marriage
Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have both declared their opposition to heterosexual marriage and have similar plans to end the socio-economic institution before the end of their first terms.
“All this talk about outlawing gay marriage and changing the Constitution is a subterfuge and conspiracy of the restaurant and florist lobbies,” said McCain. “They want a amendment to the Constitution to protect marriage because marriage is unconstitutional and totally foreign to the principals this country was founded on.” McCain told reporters that God, Jesus Christ and Grover Cleveland never married while everyone in the Bible or who had signed the Declaration of Independence who did marry died. “This institution is an unchristian cancer brought over by the basest elements from the Old World along with slavery and taxes to infect and subjugate a free people. We must not allow the American people to sacrifice their God given freedom to maintain the premise of sitcoms.”
Obama concurred at a separate press conference later that day. “This is another area, along with the sellout, where Senator McCain and I are in complete agreement. I taught Constitutional Law and I can assure you that nowhere in that precious document will you find the authority of the Federal government or the States to grant one citizen genital monopolization over another. And I think it’s vital for the American people to understand that it doesn’t matter if it’s mutual and reciprocal. It’s a sexual suicide pact coerced upon people in the most vulnerable psychological state of their adult lives. I’m referring to the hormonal rage known as infatuation.”
“People don’t rise into love. They fall into it,” McCain said. “Like they fall into debt or addiction. There is no being sort of in love or kind of maybe. That’s just the confusion that follows the wild, all consuming rage of those first few years of uncontrolled copulation. Listen to the songs. I knew Johnny Cash and I am telling you he was not lying. If you could have seen him, as I have, sing Ring of Fire, live. I was there and I saw what everyone who was there saw. Johnny went down down down and the flames got higher. And let me tell you my friends it burns burns burns that ring of fire. He was talking about love. The dangerous madness of love that can lead to marriage and he was married to June Carter, a country western star of her own right who was as built as her hair. I never forgot it.”
“Adam and Eve were not married,” said Obama, “and Eve had never even seen a wedding gown magazine. They were exclusive because there wasn’t anyone else around. They did the tour of Paradise. Everything looked great the first time. But soon they’d seen it all and there was nothing else to do but talk to a snake about a fruit they weren’t supposed to eat. They had seen what all the other animals were doing. The animals weren’t married. They were just relaxed. They didn’t need some taboo food to get on down. The forbidden fruit was marriage. The snake was Satan and Satan is married. God isn’t married. If there was a Mrs. God don’t you think she’d let us know?”
“I’m married. It’s right in my book, Something of my Fathers,” McCain said. “I married twice and the only reason my sanity survived is the five years I spent as a prisoner of war. Being a prisoner of war taught me how to survive being a prisoner of love. And men usually have the better part of the deal. I know I do. Cindy is almost possible. Now, Senator Obama and I have a lot of areas of disagreement but with the current crisis in interpersonal relationships on the edge of bringing down every household in the country its time to put aside partisanship and do what is necessary for the good of the country and outlaw marriage.”
“But what about the kids? Who’s going to take care of the kids?” Obama asked the crowd. “The same ones’ who are taking care of them right now is my answer. Nobody. Nobody is taking care of the kids after they’re two years old. No one ever did. We feed them and provide for them and if we pay constant attention to them we might slow them down a bit but there is no controlling them. Why? They’re not married. They’re still free. And most of all, and this is very important, they don’t have kids. Kids don’t have kids that’s why they can be kids.”
“I am not trying to shame you. I’m married. My parents were married. That is not what this is about,” said McCain. “All the studies have shown that once marriage infects a family it perpetuates itself for generations. Your parents weren’t bad people because they were married. I honor my parents and do not blame them for what they did or what happened to me. Twice. It’s the whole system. Marriage has corrupted every institution in this country and perverted our biology. Our churches pay their heating bills with the services. Its part of the clergy and organists’ income. Florists, caterers, tailors, printers, bartenders, photographers, hairdressers, waiters, bakers, limousine drivers, department stores and that’s just for the ceremony! This money could be better spent fixing our vital infrastructure and creating energy independence. Smoke fish not cigarettes. The Japanese live longer because they have lower corporate taxes.”
“This is the change I’ve been talking about,” said Obama. “Fiddling with the tax code or getting one more doctor to stick god knows what god knows where in you after you been waiting on an examination table in a smock for two hours is not the change we need. That’s just more of the same. The change I’m talking about and Senator McCain is talking about is breaking the last chain of slavery we as a society have allowed to bind us.”
“You won’t have to get a divorce, I promise you,” McCain continued. “No one will ever again have to get a divorce because we will simply abolish marriage and banish it from our shores. The marriage lawyers with their prenups and divorce lawyers and all these gothic courts we’ve set up will dissolve. They will have to leach off of someone else’s misery. And I know what you’re thinking. If we think we have an immigration problem now wait till the billions of husbands and wives start heading to our shores seeking asylum from their vows. Well, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s going to be a real problem especially if they come from countries that don’t recognize divorce. All it takes is one liberal judge to offer asylum to one abused wife or pussy whipped husband and the floodgates open. We have to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have to write it right into the legislation that we will use our influence and our foreign policy to end the plague of matrimony in all nations but this country cannot save the entire world from itself. The burden will fall heaviest on young people just like it does in war. They will have to say no to their families, their clergy and their leaders by saying no to each other. We can’t save people from themselves. We can’t save nations from themselves. But we can save ourselves and our neighbors.”
“I see the Statue of Liberty,” said Obama, “holding up a sign. An international sign with two stick figures joined surrounded by a red circle with a line crossing diagonally through the couple. Ladies and gentlemen, that could be a reality if we all just split up and go our individual ways. It really is that easy if we all work separately as a nation. Something we’ve become very good at in the last forty years. So tell your children, your parents, your spouse and most importantly tell yourself, just say no to marriage.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“All this talk about outlawing gay marriage and changing the Constitution is a subterfuge and conspiracy of the restaurant and florist lobbies,” said McCain. “They want a amendment to the Constitution to protect marriage because marriage is unconstitutional and totally foreign to the principals this country was founded on.” McCain told reporters that God, Jesus Christ and Grover Cleveland never married while everyone in the Bible or who had signed the Declaration of Independence who did marry died. “This institution is an unchristian cancer brought over by the basest elements from the Old World along with slavery and taxes to infect and subjugate a free people. We must not allow the American people to sacrifice their God given freedom to maintain the premise of sitcoms.”
Obama concurred at a separate press conference later that day. “This is another area, along with the sellout, where Senator McCain and I are in complete agreement. I taught Constitutional Law and I can assure you that nowhere in that precious document will you find the authority of the Federal government or the States to grant one citizen genital monopolization over another. And I think it’s vital for the American people to understand that it doesn’t matter if it’s mutual and reciprocal. It’s a sexual suicide pact coerced upon people in the most vulnerable psychological state of their adult lives. I’m referring to the hormonal rage known as infatuation.”
“People don’t rise into love. They fall into it,” McCain said. “Like they fall into debt or addiction. There is no being sort of in love or kind of maybe. That’s just the confusion that follows the wild, all consuming rage of those first few years of uncontrolled copulation. Listen to the songs. I knew Johnny Cash and I am telling you he was not lying. If you could have seen him, as I have, sing Ring of Fire, live. I was there and I saw what everyone who was there saw. Johnny went down down down and the flames got higher. And let me tell you my friends it burns burns burns that ring of fire. He was talking about love. The dangerous madness of love that can lead to marriage and he was married to June Carter, a country western star of her own right who was as built as her hair. I never forgot it.”
“Adam and Eve were not married,” said Obama, “and Eve had never even seen a wedding gown magazine. They were exclusive because there wasn’t anyone else around. They did the tour of Paradise. Everything looked great the first time. But soon they’d seen it all and there was nothing else to do but talk to a snake about a fruit they weren’t supposed to eat. They had seen what all the other animals were doing. The animals weren’t married. They were just relaxed. They didn’t need some taboo food to get on down. The forbidden fruit was marriage. The snake was Satan and Satan is married. God isn’t married. If there was a Mrs. God don’t you think she’d let us know?”
“I’m married. It’s right in my book, Something of my Fathers,” McCain said. “I married twice and the only reason my sanity survived is the five years I spent as a prisoner of war. Being a prisoner of war taught me how to survive being a prisoner of love. And men usually have the better part of the deal. I know I do. Cindy is almost possible. Now, Senator Obama and I have a lot of areas of disagreement but with the current crisis in interpersonal relationships on the edge of bringing down every household in the country its time to put aside partisanship and do what is necessary for the good of the country and outlaw marriage.”
“But what about the kids? Who’s going to take care of the kids?” Obama asked the crowd. “The same ones’ who are taking care of them right now is my answer. Nobody. Nobody is taking care of the kids after they’re two years old. No one ever did. We feed them and provide for them and if we pay constant attention to them we might slow them down a bit but there is no controlling them. Why? They’re not married. They’re still free. And most of all, and this is very important, they don’t have kids. Kids don’t have kids that’s why they can be kids.”
“I am not trying to shame you. I’m married. My parents were married. That is not what this is about,” said McCain. “All the studies have shown that once marriage infects a family it perpetuates itself for generations. Your parents weren’t bad people because they were married. I honor my parents and do not blame them for what they did or what happened to me. Twice. It’s the whole system. Marriage has corrupted every institution in this country and perverted our biology. Our churches pay their heating bills with the services. Its part of the clergy and organists’ income. Florists, caterers, tailors, printers, bartenders, photographers, hairdressers, waiters, bakers, limousine drivers, department stores and that’s just for the ceremony! This money could be better spent fixing our vital infrastructure and creating energy independence. Smoke fish not cigarettes. The Japanese live longer because they have lower corporate taxes.”
“This is the change I’ve been talking about,” said Obama. “Fiddling with the tax code or getting one more doctor to stick god knows what god knows where in you after you been waiting on an examination table in a smock for two hours is not the change we need. That’s just more of the same. The change I’m talking about and Senator McCain is talking about is breaking the last chain of slavery we as a society have allowed to bind us.”
“You won’t have to get a divorce, I promise you,” McCain continued. “No one will ever again have to get a divorce because we will simply abolish marriage and banish it from our shores. The marriage lawyers with their prenups and divorce lawyers and all these gothic courts we’ve set up will dissolve. They will have to leach off of someone else’s misery. And I know what you’re thinking. If we think we have an immigration problem now wait till the billions of husbands and wives start heading to our shores seeking asylum from their vows. Well, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s going to be a real problem especially if they come from countries that don’t recognize divorce. All it takes is one liberal judge to offer asylum to one abused wife or pussy whipped husband and the floodgates open. We have to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have to write it right into the legislation that we will use our influence and our foreign policy to end the plague of matrimony in all nations but this country cannot save the entire world from itself. The burden will fall heaviest on young people just like it does in war. They will have to say no to their families, their clergy and their leaders by saying no to each other. We can’t save people from themselves. We can’t save nations from themselves. But we can save ourselves and our neighbors.”
“I see the Statue of Liberty,” said Obama, “holding up a sign. An international sign with two stick figures joined surrounded by a red circle with a line crossing diagonally through the couple. Ladies and gentlemen, that could be a reality if we all just split up and go our individual ways. It really is that easy if we all work separately as a nation. Something we’ve become very good at in the last forty years. So tell your children, your parents, your spouse and most importantly tell yourself, just say no to marriage.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Palin And Michelle Obama Dated Joe The Plumber
Neighbors and friends of Joe the Plumber confirmed rumors that the prospective Ohio businessman who spoke to Senator Obama and became a central topic of the last presidential debate had dated both Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin and Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s wife before they were married.
Confronted with the testimonies the plumber capitulated that he had always been a legman and never had a racial or political litmus test for those he dated. “I got around when I was younger and whether I was visiting Alaska or following my ball team to Chicago I always found that no matter where I went women have pipes,” said Joe. “I’m not sure how folks around here would know about my wider exploits since I’ve always been discrete about the bathrooms I’ve been in but I guess here and there I must have dropped a name to go with a Polaroid on my shop wall.”
Michelle Obama was reluctant to comment on the issue until a picture of her with Joe from 1987 where she was wearing a strapless purple dress was distributed on the Internet. “I do remember Joe. We met at a Big Boy’s on the south side. He showed up at a very special and vulnerable time in my life. He wasn’t like anyone I ever met in Chicago or Princeton. He had quite a wrench for a white boy and could tighten things I didn’t even know were loose.”
After hearing Ms. Obama’s comments Governor Palin decided to hold a press conference to address her relationship. “Of course I remember Joe. How could I forget him? He wasn’t just any old Joe. He was special and I’m sure he still is. We dated briefly since Joe was only in Anchorage for two nights. I tried to convince him to move to our fair state or at least come back after the thaw but Joe loved Ohio. Good ole Ohio Joe. He’s really the reason John and I are running for the Oval Office. To help people like Joe fulfill their dreams and clear our drains. You don’t happen to have his phone number? I’m in Ohio next week and Joe could really put some pump in my stump.”
The plumber was pleased after seeing the women’s responses. “It’s hard for me to recognize them with their clothes on but they both still look great,“ blow Joe. “There’s nothing number two about either of those ladies.”
The press asked Bob the Builder and Mr. Goodwrench if they might also share a past with either Governor Palin or Michelle Obama. “I don’t discuss the notches in my tool belt.” said Goodwrench. “Whatever I did with Paris, Britney, Oprah and Cher with my power tools is between us. No last names is my policy.”
“I’m gay,” said Bob the Builder, “but I sure wouldn’t mind erecting something with Barack and John is cute too in a Vietnam vet teddy bear sort of way.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Confronted with the testimonies the plumber capitulated that he had always been a legman and never had a racial or political litmus test for those he dated. “I got around when I was younger and whether I was visiting Alaska or following my ball team to Chicago I always found that no matter where I went women have pipes,” said Joe. “I’m not sure how folks around here would know about my wider exploits since I’ve always been discrete about the bathrooms I’ve been in but I guess here and there I must have dropped a name to go with a Polaroid on my shop wall.”
Michelle Obama was reluctant to comment on the issue until a picture of her with Joe from 1987 where she was wearing a strapless purple dress was distributed on the Internet. “I do remember Joe. We met at a Big Boy’s on the south side. He showed up at a very special and vulnerable time in my life. He wasn’t like anyone I ever met in Chicago or Princeton. He had quite a wrench for a white boy and could tighten things I didn’t even know were loose.”
After hearing Ms. Obama’s comments Governor Palin decided to hold a press conference to address her relationship. “Of course I remember Joe. How could I forget him? He wasn’t just any old Joe. He was special and I’m sure he still is. We dated briefly since Joe was only in Anchorage for two nights. I tried to convince him to move to our fair state or at least come back after the thaw but Joe loved Ohio. Good ole Ohio Joe. He’s really the reason John and I are running for the Oval Office. To help people like Joe fulfill their dreams and clear our drains. You don’t happen to have his phone number? I’m in Ohio next week and Joe could really put some pump in my stump.”
The plumber was pleased after seeing the women’s responses. “It’s hard for me to recognize them with their clothes on but they both still look great,“ blow Joe. “There’s nothing number two about either of those ladies.”
The press asked Bob the Builder and Mr. Goodwrench if they might also share a past with either Governor Palin or Michelle Obama. “I don’t discuss the notches in my tool belt.” said Goodwrench. “Whatever I did with Paris, Britney, Oprah and Cher with my power tools is between us. No last names is my policy.”
“I’m gay,” said Bob the Builder, “but I sure wouldn’t mind erecting something with Barack and John is cute too in a Vietnam vet teddy bear sort of way.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Candidates Each Pledge $20 To Help Banks
The candidates were cornered together at a hot dog stand outside the Belmont University’s debating hall and finally admitted to Satire1 how bad the financial crisis really is. “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it at other fans,” said Obama. While McCain wasn’t nearly as optimistic, “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it into jet engines.”
The McCain campaign has hit the crisis running with proposals to fix the country’s fiscal crisis.
First, in order to stop sending billions overseas to China and Saudi Arabia McCain proposes drilling tunnels to both countries so we can simply pour our hard earned bucks to the communists and terrorists. “Its more efficient and the taxpayers can visit the money holes with their children to show them where their future is going.”
Second, McCain believes government acquired houses should be auctioned on EBay so the same wolves we’ve bailed out don’t grab up peoples’ dreams at a bargain basement prices. “I’ll see to it that the American people don’t end up like the three little pigs this time.”
Third, McCain is drafting legislation to bust up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who he claimed in the debates spearheaded the sub-prime loan crisis. “I don’t even think they’re married.”
Obama, in response, acknowledges the economic situation has changed and pledges that if elected he will curtail Washington from going out to dinner as often. “And that includes a ban on take out for every government agency. All that business going to Chinese restaurants is adding to the trade imbalance. Pizza isn’t on the table as yet since we are trying to coordinate the rescue with the European Union but when it gets here I have first slice.”
The candidates are already arguing over where to waste the next 700 billion as both the war in Iraq and the Bailout/rescue just aren’t sexy anymore. McCain believes the billions would best be wasted on a war with Iran while Obama wants to rebuild New Orleans in the middle of the gulf. “We’re never going to be able to beat nature down there so I propose rebuilding the city as a series of arks much like Noah built. If a hurricane comes we’ll have the Navy on standby to tug the town to safer waters.”
Governor Palin criticized Obama’s plan on the stump, “I am offended that a Muslim homegrown community organizer is stealing ideas from our God.” Palin said that she was tempted as a governor to visit New Orleans after Katrina but feared the area couldn’t withstand another bitch. “This is what can happen to a city that embraces jazz in the midst of so much wonderful country western music.”
Senator Biden declined comment on Obama’s ark plan saying he had never actually seen Streetcar Named Desire but liked Marlon Brando in his other roles. “I don’t think the American people have anything to fear. With a democratic majority in both houses and the White House we’ll find someplace to waste the money.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
The McCain campaign has hit the crisis running with proposals to fix the country’s fiscal crisis.
First, in order to stop sending billions overseas to China and Saudi Arabia McCain proposes drilling tunnels to both countries so we can simply pour our hard earned bucks to the communists and terrorists. “Its more efficient and the taxpayers can visit the money holes with their children to show them where their future is going.”
Second, McCain believes government acquired houses should be auctioned on EBay so the same wolves we’ve bailed out don’t grab up peoples’ dreams at a bargain basement prices. “I’ll see to it that the American people don’t end up like the three little pigs this time.”
Third, McCain is drafting legislation to bust up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who he claimed in the debates spearheaded the sub-prime loan crisis. “I don’t even think they’re married.”
Obama, in response, acknowledges the economic situation has changed and pledges that if elected he will curtail Washington from going out to dinner as often. “And that includes a ban on take out for every government agency. All that business going to Chinese restaurants is adding to the trade imbalance. Pizza isn’t on the table as yet since we are trying to coordinate the rescue with the European Union but when it gets here I have first slice.”
The candidates are already arguing over where to waste the next 700 billion as both the war in Iraq and the Bailout/rescue just aren’t sexy anymore. McCain believes the billions would best be wasted on a war with Iran while Obama wants to rebuild New Orleans in the middle of the gulf. “We’re never going to be able to beat nature down there so I propose rebuilding the city as a series of arks much like Noah built. If a hurricane comes we’ll have the Navy on standby to tug the town to safer waters.”
Governor Palin criticized Obama’s plan on the stump, “I am offended that a Muslim homegrown community organizer is stealing ideas from our God.” Palin said that she was tempted as a governor to visit New Orleans after Katrina but feared the area couldn’t withstand another bitch. “This is what can happen to a city that embraces jazz in the midst of so much wonderful country western music.”
Senator Biden declined comment on Obama’s ark plan saying he had never actually seen Streetcar Named Desire but liked Marlon Brando in his other roles. “I don’t think the American people have anything to fear. With a democratic majority in both houses and the White House we’ll find someplace to waste the money.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Who Bails Out Congress?
Reasons Lawmakers Changed Their Minds On the Rescue Bill
“The President gave me a cowboy hat.”
“I’ll vote against anything on Monday but if a bill doesn’t pass on Thursday it could cost me my weekend.”
“I thought all the Democrats would vote for it and leave me room to be righteous.”
“I forgot we’re in the majority now.”
“Finally, funds to research ponies as an alternative energy source.”
“I didn’t want everyone to think I was easy.”
“Speaker Pelosi explained to me how the thousands of calls and emails from constituents were really just directed to my office and not to me personally. And she was right, none of them asked me how I felt about the bill. They were just trying to use me to vote their view. Pelosi calls it Representative abuse.”
“The bill had grown to 450 pages and the leadership was threatening to make us read it.”
“I had the wrong underwear on for the first vote. Briefs never shrink right. Barney Frank fixed me up with some silk boxers and the country can breath free again.”
“This is a historic vote, second in importance only to my vote to authorize the President to invade Iraq, This bill will change fundamentally the relationship between the public and private sector for generations. I voted my conscience Monday and went home and my wife kicked my ass.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“The President gave me a cowboy hat.”
“I’ll vote against anything on Monday but if a bill doesn’t pass on Thursday it could cost me my weekend.”
“I thought all the Democrats would vote for it and leave me room to be righteous.”
“I forgot we’re in the majority now.”
“Finally, funds to research ponies as an alternative energy source.”
“I didn’t want everyone to think I was easy.”
“Speaker Pelosi explained to me how the thousands of calls and emails from constituents were really just directed to my office and not to me personally. And she was right, none of them asked me how I felt about the bill. They were just trying to use me to vote their view. Pelosi calls it Representative abuse.”
“The bill had grown to 450 pages and the leadership was threatening to make us read it.”
“I had the wrong underwear on for the first vote. Briefs never shrink right. Barney Frank fixed me up with some silk boxers and the country can breath free again.”
“This is a historic vote, second in importance only to my vote to authorize the President to invade Iraq, This bill will change fundamentally the relationship between the public and private sector for generations. I voted my conscience Monday and went home and my wife kicked my ass.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Mr. Monopoly Goes Directly To Jail
FBI Seize Get Out Of Jail Cards
“Rich Uncle Pennybags will not pass Go this time.”
Boardwalk Falls To Under $600
The jewel of Atlantic City real estate being offered for less than $600 for the first time since Parker Brothers constructed it in 1935. “They’re practically giving away Baltic Avenue for peanuts.”
Water Works Found Polluted While Electric Company Goes Way of Enron
It’s a roll of the dice to see if investors will recoup anything on these utilities. “Tap’s dry for pension funds and lights out for retirees who thought they had a safe investment.”
Fear of the Bank’s Failure Sends Players Scrambling
No FDIC protection for the colored money. “I might as well have my savings in a Money Market account.”
Building Boom Halts
“The green houses are too small and who wants to live in a red hotel? It looks like whore house.”
Fed Blocks Investors Selling Short on Short Line
“Anyone hopping on these railroads is in for a ride.”
Forget Free Parking, Community Chest Overwhelmed, No Chance
“Nothing good in the cards this time.”
Income and Luxury Tax Survive Intact
Figures.
Scottie Dog Dons Top Hat, Old Shoe and Thimble Before Shooting Himself with Cannon
Pooch once thought tough as tin couldn’t face real world consequences.
Treasury Secretary Paulson Threatens To Take Over Game
“Guess my old Wall Street friends will have to learn to play Sorry.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“Rich Uncle Pennybags will not pass Go this time.”
Boardwalk Falls To Under $600
The jewel of Atlantic City real estate being offered for less than $600 for the first time since Parker Brothers constructed it in 1935. “They’re practically giving away Baltic Avenue for peanuts.”
Water Works Found Polluted While Electric Company Goes Way of Enron
It’s a roll of the dice to see if investors will recoup anything on these utilities. “Tap’s dry for pension funds and lights out for retirees who thought they had a safe investment.”
Fear of the Bank’s Failure Sends Players Scrambling
No FDIC protection for the colored money. “I might as well have my savings in a Money Market account.”
Building Boom Halts
“The green houses are too small and who wants to live in a red hotel? It looks like whore house.”
Fed Blocks Investors Selling Short on Short Line
“Anyone hopping on these railroads is in for a ride.”
Forget Free Parking, Community Chest Overwhelmed, No Chance
“Nothing good in the cards this time.”
Income and Luxury Tax Survive Intact
Figures.
Scottie Dog Dons Top Hat, Old Shoe and Thimble Before Shooting Himself with Cannon
Pooch once thought tough as tin couldn’t face real world consequences.
Treasury Secretary Paulson Threatens To Take Over Game
“Guess my old Wall Street friends will have to learn to play Sorry.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sesame Street Agrees to Acquire Wall Street for One Trillion Cookies
As long-standing investment firms on Wall Street collapse or disappear Treasury Secretary Paulson has worked feverishly behinds the scenes in secret to find a buyer for the whole street. “We can’t keep running to the next hole in the dyke,” said Paulson. “Its time to sell the whole lesbian.”
Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”
Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”
“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.
As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.
Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”
Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”
“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.
Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”
Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.
“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”
Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”
Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”
“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.
As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.
Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”
Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”
“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.
Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”
Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.
“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”
Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Palin's Pitbull Bites Obama's Pig For Stealing Its Lipstick
Months after McCain put lipstick on Hillary Clinton’s health care pig Obama smeared McCain and Palin’s Bush policies pig. Now sows across the nation feel pressure to put on makeup before leaving their pens to socialize with other barnyard animals.
“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”
Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”
Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.
All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.
“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”
“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”
“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”
Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”
Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.
All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.
“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”
“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”
“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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