Purple

Researchers at Whatsamatta University released long awaited findings today of a decade long study with over twelve million participants that promises to provoke legislation and litigation. After billions of dollars have been wasted on studying smoking, diet, genetics, sedentary life styles and pollution Whatsamatta U’s study offers conclusive evidence that cancer, asthma, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, obesity and numb nuts can be traced to a single unsuspected carcinogen; the color purple.

“The prevalence of the color purple is a late twentieth century phenomenon,” said Professor Lavender who ran the study. “In Roman times it was restricted to the Emperors and Senators few of whom realized it was actually a form of slow assassination. The pigment could only be gotten from one source in Asia Minor where the dye workers had a life expectancy of barely twenty years.”

“Breakthroughs in industrial chemical engineering were thought to have produced a harmless hue that could be used to color clothing and children’s toys but the recent findings prove that all purples are toxic to humans.”

“Sacred texts of all religions and some suppressed books of the Bible strictly forbade any mixing of the colors red and blue whether in ornament, garment or food. In ancient Sanskrit and Egyptian the same character is used for both poison and purple. We have ignored these warnings at our peril. Almost all of the breakthroughs in science and medicine have been nullified by our daily exposure to purple.”

The findings have left some questions necessitating further studies.
Are Royal Blue and Violet also lethal?
Are Purple Cabbage and Japanese Eggplant as poisonous as they appear?
Does Purple Rain constitute a holocaust?
Is the purple Teletubby just gay or is he a murdering demon?
Does anybody really look good in purple?
Why am I reading this shit?

Don Arrup
Satire1