Zombone

The reason zombies are so popular is because that is what we have become. Just look at our presidential candidates. There is not a single candidate in either party who is not talking to zombies. Deportation, Persian nukes, Cigar Island follies, Kentucky clerk, club basement internet games, fleecing billionaires. The living do not care about this shit. Only zombies get worked up over these undead issues. 

Can we deport our way out of the slightly slower Syria we’ve had on our border for decades? No. Zombie no. If we overturn ObamaCare today will half the country lose weight, start exercising and eat something that came out of the ground? No zombie way.

Can we fix other countries while in the fix we’re in? Democratize Cuba? We can’t bring democracy to Florida. Just let the greenbacks into Havana. There are forces that can withstand and even repel America’s military might but nothing on Earth can withstand American monetary might. The green zombie.

God says zombies can’t get married. Every mall would be empty. You could get a taxi in Times Square. Nobody would be here. Emergency Room waits would be shorter than the time it takes to die. Ka Ching Kung Fu to the higher power of Tiananmen Square. Oh, that’s right. That never happened. We owe China money.

The elections they’re beating our heads with are fifteen months away. That’s longer than most straight marriages last. About the average drag span of your fairly intact space zapped zombie. Zombies used to only live for 90 minutes or 32 episodes at most before they won. Now we have them for the entire election cycle.

I wish somebody- anybody- would cut a fart during the debates and prove they’re not a zombie. Flatulence to a zombie is like a massive heart attack or severe stroke. They’re just a bucket of guts. For them it’s spontaneous combustion. You don’t need a mike down there. Their whole flesh edifice would collapse and they’d still go up in the polls.

Don Arrup

Satire1