Debate Deletes

South Carolina Republican Debate

Moderator 

For our first off the camera question we address all the candidates: What would you do as President of the United States to see that every tax paying American gets some reasonable amount of ass?

Jeb Bush

When I was Governor of Florida nookie was never a problem for Floridians. Half the country travels to our state just to take their pants off. We don’t build our churches on the beach and you can swing what you want on the greens.

Ted Cruz

I believe marriage is a sacred contract between a man and a woman and God. I believe that I was a master debater at Princeton because I was a masturbator. A minister guided masturbation program that respected the Second Amendment and placed no undo strain on Confederate widows or Canadian espionage.

Marco Rubio

They can make love so much cheaper in China that Americans can no longer expect to be employed as lovers. Our nookie is being outsourced to the Communists and Third World which by the way Cuba is both.

Donald Trump

I’d just like to say right now, I’ve fucked everyone on this stage.

Jed Bush

That’s outrageous.

Donald Trump

I thought you’d have a tight ass, Jeb.

Jeb Bush

You can’t just say anything you want without YouTube documentation.

Donald Trump

Humped up your piggyback on First Avenue, Hoboken surrounded by illegal aliens raping Muslims who were dancing to the fall of the WTC.  

Jeb Bush

That never happened.

Donald Trump

The towers did come down. Not as fast as your trousers, I’ll admit, Jeb, but pretty fast. And with my other Florida boy-

Marco Rubio

It was just a blow job.

Donald Trump

That’s right, Ruby, just nod and agree in my lap for ten minutes.

Chris Christie

I’m tired of you treating me like a doughnut shop.

Donald Trump

The point, CC.

Chris Christie

I’m a jelly doughnut, okay?

Donald Trump

You’re a jelly roll.

Chris Christie

That’s a hairdo.

Donald Trump

That’s my hairdo.

Jeb Bush

Let Chris be a jelly roll.

Ted Cruz

Let my people roll!

Marco Rubio

Are they serving doughnuts?

Donald Trump

To the nuts with all the dough.

South Carolina Democratic Debate

During the longest commercial break late in the debate. Hillary Clinton and Barry Sanders are bumping back and forth between their podiums in a lip and hip lock. Director’s voice over the intercom: We’re back in 3 minutes. Hillary breaks free.

Hillary Clinton

You kiss better than Dick Cheney.

Martin O'Malley

This is supposed to be a threesome.

Hillary Clinton

Looks like just you and your hand, Maryland.

Barry Sanders

Sex is socialism at its essence. You can’t have private ownership of the means of reproduction.

Hillary Clinton

Come here, Gov. Just don’t screw like you’re running for Vice President.

Don Arrup

Satire1