Go To The Bathroom

The Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina lost the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Monday when the Wildcats of Villanova drove, passed, picked and shot a three pointer in the less than five seconds remaining. The top seed had fallen and the referees were agents of the LGBTIA.

When the city of Charlotte, NC passed extended protections for transgenders to begin in April, the state’s General Assembly held a special session to pass House Bill 2 known widely as The Bathroom Bill restricting local governments from expanding any anti-discrimination laws from minimum wage to bathroom choice. The governor signed the bill that night.

State legislators, confident that the Carolina belles had seen to it that the tallest of Tar Heels were fully hetrosexualized, completely neglected the referees who control the games. Lesbians right off the covers of dime novels and transgenders from science fiction and Greek mythology flocked to the ranks of zebra stripes when they saw that their contribution to sports wasn’t respected. As soon as the first tip off the scales began to swish.

Carolina’s aggressive close style of defense was being neutralized by refs who protected the Wildcats like they were their own teenage daughters. The lightest Tar Heel touch drew the whistle and free throws from the line. UNC’s legendary coach Roy Williams protested the obvious favoritism at first but relented at half time after a visit to the locker room. 

Since Monday night Coach Williams has refused to challenge the officiating or offici-hating as many Tar Heel fans have come to refer to it. Sports writers from across the land have filled their columns on just what might have happened.

Clem Boy, Kansas Kalender 

“Coach Williams coached Kansas for years and we don’t assign gender to bathrooms here. They’re all just a bucket in a tiny shed anyway.”

Legitt Pert, Los Angeles Bugle

“If Carolinians are concerned about bathrooms wait till gender bending comes to Title IX.”

Diff Fuse, NYC Small Towner

“I think all basketball is gay. Women’s might be bisexual. Nobody’s sure. It was more obvious in the 70’s with the hot pants. Now its all about the shoes. I mean shoes, really.”

Ash Hole, Chicago Daily Planet

“NC went down to a great play by a black guy and a white guy working in a harmony that at one time only Martin Luther King could dream of. But when you get to the bathroom there is no dream. In the bathroom there is only reality. But even there, or especially there, we’re all the same.”

Don Arrup

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