Shrimpathon

The city of Las Vegas, Nevada consumes 60,000 pounds of shrimp daily almost on par with the total shrimp consumption in the rest of the United States combined. Since the Gulf of Nevada produces few shrimp (zero to be exact as there is no Gulf of Nevada) all of the shrimp is imported from other regions of the United States and abroad. 

Asians particularly love shrimp and the Chinese refer to shrimp (and lobsters and prawns) as “Sea Dragons” while the Sioupachejo tribe of Baldwin, Maryland refers to the delicacy as “Small Hands.” As fate and television ratings would have it, C (linton) Dragon debates Small Hands Trump in Las Vegas tonight. A veritable shrimpathon.

Moderating the debate (as if moderation on any level was even a remote possibility) will be Chris Wallace, estranged son of Mike Wallace, the famous 60 Minutes milquetoast. Chris was a 1951 All American Pre School Linebacker for the Northside Chicago Crib Crushers before playing Ninja and outside executioner for the elite Hotchkiss School in Lakeville, Connecticut.

Reporting and anchoring for three of the four major networks , Wallace has maintained his technique of Tasmanian Devil interviewing seeking the interviewee’s genitals even over the truth. “Fact checking is not the moderator’s job but the opposing candidate’s. I just go for the balls and see what rolls out.”

Critics from both parties claim that since it is fall and far into the race the opposing candidate will try to hide their nuts from squirrelly journalists even in front of the entire nation. Wallace promises more action and controversy than a Kardashian pajama party and to shed more blood than light in this dark campaign.

President Obama praised Wallace’s intentions. “I’ve been in this office for almost eight years and the one thing I have learned above all else is the American people don’t want to hear the truth. And I don’t blame them. The truth sucks. And if you think things are bad from what you see and read, let me tell you.”

“The economy isn’t bad. It’s over. Done. Our schools are doing a good job of preparing our children for 1955. They can get great jobs but they will probably have to move- back in time. And as far as international affairs, Israel will survive. We won’t. This is our last election before Shari Law replaces Donald Chump or Hellary Clinton with a Caliph and the Supreme Court with a bunch of beards.”

“And you don’t even want to know what will happen to my Cubs.”

Don Arrup

Satire1