How To Pass A Health Care Bill

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Senate Majority Washroom.

“Hey, Jack, been looking all over for you. Don’t use that soap. There’s no hot water and you’ll never get it off your hands. I’ve been thinking about your concerns about leaving Medicaid intact and, believe me, I am in complete agreement with you on this but even though almost a third of my constituents are on it- mostly in nursing homes- the only ones who vote in every election- Hank, he’s the numbers guy on this bill- he says that Medicaid is such a budget buster that it will implode of its own weight in ten years before anything in this bill even really kicks in. So, can I count on your vote? Every one of us knows there isn’t a damn thing in it you agree with but I guarantee it will play out just how you want.”

“Bill, Bill, there’s no toilet paper in that stall. Oh, too late. Well, here, let me just get some from this stall. Let me see if I can get this whole roll off. Doesn’t look like it. I’m going to feed you under the separator here the end of this roll and you just pull nice and even and you’ll have as much as you need. Don’t let it go slack. I think there’s some water on the floor here. Now, about your vote on repeal and replace. Can I count on your support this time? I know you feel that we haven’t given enough funds to Medicaid but it’s only a cap on growth not a cut. Maybe we better talk about this later. My glasses are fogging up. We’ve tagged Medicaid growth to the general inflation rate but the donkeys will be back in power sometime before all this kicks in so it really is no real fuss in the real world. You know we don’t deal with reality here. This is the Senate.”

“Tom, Tom, Tom Tom. Excuse me. Well, isn’t your wife the lucky woman. I wanted to talk to you about your opposition to cutting funds to Planned Parenthood. I can understand why a man of your endowment might hesitate to- opps- unexpected dip for the big boy, heh? You made quite a splash. Let me get you some paper towels. I can see why you might want to protect funds that deal with unwanted pregnancies but PP advises on abortion as well and you know that isn’t going to fly with our base. So, we were all hoping that you would reconsider and maybe we can slip them a couple of bucks in a defense appropriations bill. No one’s read one of those in decades. Okay? So you let PP go and I’ll let you go PP.”

“Chuck, Chuck. What? The zipper’s stuck? Here, I used to work on cars when I was a teenager. While I help you with- your shirt’s caught up in the upper teeth here again- help you with this we’ve got to discuss funding for diabetes and obesity. Now, I know you don’t believe that Americans are really overweight and I agree that the liberal media is run by anorexics but being what you call well fed - can you pull your stomach in some I’ve almost got it- both stomachs- well fed for a hog state can affect the health of some of our citizens from less vigorous areas of the country. Just two more teeth and you’re a free man here, Chuck. Now, can you free me?”

Don Arrup

Satire1