Greenhouse Asses

Environmental scientists estimate that a little under one fifth of greenhouse gases are animal produced methane. The world’s exploding population has an even more exploding appetite for meat which has increased cattle populations by more than Mickey Mouse. Some recent studies suggest that a steer’s methane is more burped than farted but as anyone with a nose can tell you this theory just doesn’t smell right. 

Some biologists estimate that with their current numbers and the way domesticated cattle are fed and their lay about, fatten up lifestyle that they could be producing near the same amount of methane today then all the animals that have roamed the earth previously combined. 

This sounds about right to anyone exposed to a domesticated husband who in the course of a few hours each evening can turn any living room into a World War One trench horror. Given the commonality of this scourge many researches are only beginning to look into not only machine manufactured gases but human biologically manufactured gases as well. 

Satire1 goes to the hallowed halls of Harvard Community College in Stafford, Texas to speak to the nation’s future elite in the eating of meat. 

Freshman Jack Ham

“My mother won’t let one of my uncles in the house anymore. He cut a fart so bad on her couch that even the dump wouldn’t take it.”

Administrative Assistant Gia Beehive

“My husband’s friends are all welcome anytime the Dallas Cowboys are playing because we can set up the TV on our deck. But between what their beer and nachos and jerky produces that’s it for our lawn till next spring.”

Senior Jeff Vegetable

“My dad barbecues everything on his nights to cook- even the salad. I try not to eat too much meat because I think it’s bad for post secondary education but I don’t want to reject him either. So I eat it all and the rest of the night I feel like I’m sitting on a balloon.”

Continuing Student Dale Whale

“I eat too much. And I fart a lot. But nobody looks at my up side. A fly in July won’t survive an hour in my house and if I’m over your house for even just lunch you can throw your roach spray away.

Don Arrup

Satire1