Recent accusations on the internet and social media suggested that some of the Stony Douglas High School protestors are paid actors. An army of top notch investigative reporters, some who had actually attended high school, working furiously from their basements and attics in the remote western plains have uncovered proof that all of the so called “student” protestors were being wholly supported by their hysterically bereaved liberal parents.
“You can call it an allowance, use of the car, room and board but all of these actors are being supported- in effect paid- by their progenitors to perform like circus monkeys in front of our incorruptible, selfless legislators,” said Harmon Charmin of the Evidence is for Pussies news blog.
“The only thing anyone learns in high school is how to get laid or that you are never going to get laid,” expounded chef Priscilla Popeye on her cable access cooking show, If You Can’t Shoot It, Don’t Eat It.
“This fantasy people entertain that teenagers are somehow capable of rational thought is a kind of necessary fiction in order to have teen shows and movies but just talk to a teen- if you can pry their eyes off their phone for a minute- I think you’ll find that they can navigate the whole world wide web better than they can find the bathrooms in their own homes.”
“All this talk about how dangerous guns are overlooks their very real healthy side,” said Cyrus Mumphs, promoter of gun shows across the southeast. “Every gun sold at our shows is totally organic, has no chemical additives, are GMO and Gluten Free and was manufactured without cruelty to animals. But I’m not saying animals are going to like what customers do with the guns they buy from us.”
“Adolescence is a time of life when young people are trying to forge an identity for themselves. All this technology, the crushing costs of higher education, slim prospects for future employment and the mountainous mortgage we’ve dumped on them raises only one question,” posed teen psychologist Libia Schlobhobknockers. “When are these sick boys going to wise up and start shooting their elected officials?”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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