Freak Out

As the island of Puerto Rico experiences its second black out in six months the Fake Media led by The New York Lies, Washington Poop and White Street Journal have been attributing the disaster to a “freak” accident. National television liescasts from CBS (Corporate Bull Shit) to out-Foxed News repeated the accusation until human curiosities and assorted carnies across the country began to feel guilty.

So while our half brothers and sisters on the island protectorate suffer and blame the grotesquely unique for their plight, Satire1 went sixty blocks north to the capital of Puerto Rico in Washington Heights, Manhattan to find out exactly who was to blame.

Three Legged Hombre

“I wasn’t anywhere near the island and have never been there. I’ve been in carnivals for four decades and I’ve never heard of PR as part of the circuit.”

Pinhead Jose

“What? Are people trying to blame us for everything that screws up again? What is this, the Middle Ages?”

Bearded Bianca 

“I started to use my toaster when the microwave was still on but our building was back on line before my telenovela came on.”

Francisco Fartisteo

“Hey, I’ve already apologized for the BP Gulf spill and Hurricane Maria. I’m Hispanic and I’m a freak but this last thing was not me.”

Mono Muchacha (Monkey Girl) Maria

“I sent mi madre a big air conditioner through Amazon and if that blew the island out you got to split the blame between me and Jeff Bezos who’s more geek than freak. It would have to be called a freak-geek accident.”

Lobster Hands Lorenzo

“When God made Adam and Eve they must have been babies raised by baboons and tigers. Or perhaps lovingly by cranes and snakes. Somebody got pussy. Sky purple as a black eye. Water and wind whip up and raise cane. Not sugar cane. Hurry cane. Before electricity it used to blow out the coconuts.”

Gigante Gabriela

“Maria was the ultimate blow job. Winds up to fifteen year olds an hour. Soaking rain followed by dry showers. And heat. And thirst. Slowly isolation crept to your doorstep. Without electricity nights were nude. Stars long absent proved prodigal and returned with palms out. Children dreamed of animals instead of digital phantoms. Women and men were subjugated by their own flesh in hours so dark even Eve would be lost in them. Then FEMA came with water bottles and box lunches.”

Macho Miniatura

“I’m a man and I’m to blame because women are unhappy. I’m middle aged and the state of the country and the world is my fault. I’m Hispanic and I compete with Blacks for housing, jobs and women. But most of all I am a freak- the only real minority. Every other so called minority is just in the wrong location. Freak means you’re alone everywhere. That’s why we always get the blame.”

Don Arrup

Satire1