Sonny

When the House Committee on Agriculture exposed the current Secretary of Agriculture George Erwin “Sonny” Perdue yesterday as a former veterinarian and animal ventriloquist the White House scrambled to replace the cabinet position before the fake news hounds smelled another appointment boner. Extensive documentation including admissions, tuition payments, transcripts and license prove that Sonny, a former governor of Georgia, once made a living performing nonconsensual acts on innocent pets and livestock.

“You can call it insemination or just plain old fashioned rape for all I care,” said Representative Ted Yoho (R-FL). “Few animals have cell phones or even the digits to participate in this digital age but if they could talk how many Rovers, Buffies and Elsies would #MeToo this Sonny Boy?”

“A lot of these horse doctors are going around referring to themselves as “vets” who never even served a day in the military,” said Rep. Marcia Fudge (D-OH). “At least Governor Perdue served as a captain in the Air Force which is almost like being in the military.”

“I’d rather entrust my horse and chickens health to someone who was in uniform than one of these latex gloved Lotharios,” said Rep. Don Bacon (R-NE). 

Animal husbandry goes back to the Papyrus of Kahun in Ancient Egypt but so many animal “husbands” have taken their title too literally since.  It wasn’t until 1762 that zoophiles used the cover of science and medicine to create the Veterinary School of Lyon. Claude Bourgelat, a notorious “horse lover” in decadent pre Revolution France, reasoned that farmers, soldiers and transporters would happily share their “booty” if the animals were returned well fed and groomed. By the early nineteenth century veterinary schools and hospitals (bestiality brothels) were established in London, Boston, New York and Philadelphia claiming to treat infertility and cattle maladies. 

Complicating Secretary Perdue’s original choice of profession are the multitude of allegations of discrimination to go along with the abuse. “There’s a reason why I’ve never been able to wear pants,” said Donald Duck. “Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I’ve got a prostate gland the size of a grapefruit. Mickey told me to see his guy Doc Sunny so I went to his office only to find out that he only does star-toons not cartoons.”

“I tried setting up a joint conference with my M.D. and Doctor Perdue to deal with my lycanthropy (Werewolfism),” said Lawrence Talbot. “He agreed but never contacted my internist and just tied me down before the moon came out. Things got pretty hairy after that.”

Sonny was elected to the state senate as a veterinarian Democrat throughout the 90’s but as Jimmy Cater’s fame dimmed and the Donkey’s millennium passed Sonny crossed the aisle to become Georgia’s first Republican governor since Gone With The Wind. With only the usual amount of conflict of interest maneuvers for a southern politician Sonny and his wife Mary were among the nation’s leading advocates for foster children and helped raise many along with their four offspring. 

In consideration of Sonny and his wife’s tireless advocacy for needy children, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has forgone the usual Justice Department investigation and offered Sonny a simple trial by firing squad to take place Friday morning. Open free to the public. Location to be texted to waiting list one hour before the bang.

“How long will our country tolerate rape, in the guise of medical treatment, of the animals God has entrusted to our care?” asked Darren Soto (D-FL). “Probably as long as we tolerate the rape of the planet God entrusted to us and pretend that we don’t treat many of our citizens like beasts.”

Don Arrup

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