Heaven Can't Wait

John McCain walks over the cloud to the Seventh Gate and is about to enter when a rather imposing Muslim angel steps in his way.

Ridwan

Pardon me, can I help you?

McCain

I just wanted to look over your Jahananone or Janahun. I’m new to the afterlife and need a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t mean Jahannam, do you?

McCain

Something like that. 

Ridwan

That’s Muslim hell. This is Jannah where the righteous find their reward.

McCain

This is the place.

Ridwan

Do you know who I am?

McCain

Are you Mohamed?

Ridwan

No, but that’s a good guess since every other Islamic male shares the Prophet’s name. I am Ridwan, the angel in charge here.

McCain

Oh, so you’re the CO. Good. I’m not exactly what you would call a Muslim-

Ridwan

You’re not exactly what anyone would call a Muslim.

McCain

I believe in one god, was a warrior-

Ridwan

Did you die in battle? If you were fighting for Islam when you died I have 72 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

I was in conflict with President Trump.

Ridwan

In that case I have 720 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

That’s too many birthdays to remember and my wife’s still alive. I’m really just looking for a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t have to have lived as a Muslim to enter the gates of Jannah. You obviously lived a righteous life or you would not have been able to find us but you will have to accept Mohamed as your Prophet.

McCain

I respect the Prophet Mohamed but am more a follower of Jesus of Annapolis. 

Ridwan

Navy man.

McCain

Class of 58.

Ridwan

Beat Army.

McCain 

Last game of the regular college football season.

Ridwan

I think we can fix you up a bunk for the night. You can search for your heaven tomorrow.

McCain

I wish I voted against the second Iraq War.

Ridwan

Sure you don’t want a black eyed virgin or two? Just to keep the bunk... friendly?

McCain

My wife and my ex are both still down there. I’m walking on thin cloud here. 

Don Arrup

Satire1