Seeing Red

As the Red Planet closes in on ours, the closest it has been for fifteen years, scientists have discovered that Mars does in fact have both water and life prompting President Trump to declare a state of emergency and full alert of our armed forces.

“There is no global warming from fossil fuels. The weather is fucked because Mars has been stealing our water under the last two Democratic Administrations,” the president explained. “Martian Mexican gangs poured into our atmosphere under the Clinton and Obama Administrations and began siphoning off our fresh water to breed millions of green balloon heads which will invade and overwhelm our social safety net.”

When reporters requested photographs and other evidence of the invasion President Trump was quick to point out: “I’m from New York City and you can’t walk four blocks on Broadway without seeing people from other planets.”

Congressional Democrats stood on the steps of the Capitol with water bottles claiming that the threat was overblown and that Mars has been redirecting rivers and streams into the stratosphere under both Republican and Democratic Administrations.

“Trump is just trying to redefine the Red Menace as Russia prepares to replace Congress with KGB clones and hardware salesmen,” said Elizabeth Warren who President Trump has accused of being from Venus. “And I have sworn statements from over a dozen female and gemale Martians- they have four sexes there- that President Trump in the late 1990’s groped them though I’m still not clear what they have to grope.”

President Trump was quick to Tweet: With Mars not even 36 million miles away- practically on top of us- Pocahontas shamelessly inviting every extraterrestrial over her place- I’m telling you, just visit her Senate office, it looks like the bar in the first Star Wars movie- at least the Playmates and porn stars I screw are human- Pocahontas making her boudoir the landing pad for the all the water stealing, welfare check cashing green balloon headed Mexican Martians and she is accusing me of space rape.

A debate continues to rage in the Society of Astronomers and Star Freaks as to whether Mars originally stole water from us or we from them. The president, however, harbored no doubts. “My pal Vlad was the first to warn me that Mars was stealing our water. The Europeans wouldn’t say anything because they owe Mars money and the Chinese sell them their prisoners to be served as hors d’oeuvres.”

Don Arrup

Satire1